It’s been a tough week. Yesterday, I scurried the house looking for my old book for Alateen. My heart is broken again. Never would I think my children could go. Life did not work out as planned. The event of last week. brought a string of mini crisises. An $100 bill unexpectedly came. I have to decide weather to fight this or let it go. Money in a saving account was meant for bigger emergencies. Times are tight right now because child care is expensive, we are working on the house, vacation is coming and the girls have a birthday party. I locked myself out of car. I was late to work. I am down and disconnected. So this is “happily ever after.” Can I have a refund? Another special day ruined. Our family is the first documented case in the world to loosing my daughters to a rare disease due to a dominant carrier. I am a young breast survivor and an infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss survivor. Now we can add alcoholism to the list. He is getting help. I thought I was detached from this person. Obviously, I am not. I am hurt. I hoping for better days. I hope to find peace with the relationship. My heart is sad. I keep staring into space. I am not paying attention, which is costing me a lot personally. The oldest has 2 appointments tomorrow, which are a dental cleaning and a specialist appointment. Hopefull, it is for a routine simple matter. After loosing two children, I can’t handle more. Summer is flying by and I am putting all that I am into the house. I hope the girls birthdays are different this year.
A friend of the family gave us a generous offer. The birthday bash for the girls is almost a little less than a month away. He told me that his wife and him are coming over to help so I can paint the kitchen cabinets within a weekend. I am so happy. It’s been a struggle over 17 months of remodeling for one person to take the kids and the other one to work on the house.
My daughter right after my unpaid maternity leave asked for a mini I-pad for Christmas one year. Literally, we were putting gifts on credit cards because I just went back to work. Daycare expects their tuition. Co-workers/friends got together and gave us enough money to basically pay the first week. My oldest got her I-pad mini for Christmas. Thanks to credit cards. Shortly after she got it, the screen got cracked because she dropped it. For a long time, it worked. She left it on the floor and I stepped on it by accident.
Last year, I brought a cheap tablet to get some work done at home. Well, our work operating system would not work on a tablet. The operating system requires either old widows program or an Apple device for security reasons. Here I am with this cheap tablet that wouldn’t work and I couldn’t return. The deal was, my oldest would share the I-pad with me and use the cheap tablet, when I needed it. It began to ghost type. It was freaky. For weeks, I promised I would try to fix it. Well, every week I tried. It looked like according to Google that my child’s Ipad was hacked. It got so bad, that I am saying to customer service I can’t get it to do what you want because it’s so busy opening a mess of programs that I didn’t ask it too. I took to it to a repair shop. It ended up the screen needed to be replaced. I got the bill. Here goes all the money I worked so hard on the 4th of July for. We have so many bills upcoming. August is both the girl’s birthdays. This year, we decided to do one party. My oldest is getting too old. Joy doesn’t have any outside friends. It made sense to show off all the hard work on the house.
Well, our relationship has been disconnected for years now. He won’t hire a babysitter. His mother will not help. My mother died years ago. The tradition was… I would start in June to beg his mother for one annual night of babysitting. One year after multiple prompts, she forgot anyways. We were told we were only getting an hour that year. So, I had it with him and her. Finally, I stopped talking about going out for our anniversary. Why brother? Two years later, he panicked. Why weren’t we going out anymore for anniversary? This year to afford a babysitter, I need to work a shift and a half. This year, I figured to say nothing about our anniversary. Maybe he will forget. I said nothing. Damn on June 30th, he says so what are we doing on our anniversary.
Please don’t think I am cold. We haven’t been close in years. Forget it! It caused a string of arguments Last summer, we were totally drained financially by summer camp, infant daycare and two individual birthday parties. I think I have mentioned, we are trying to move and the youngest conception bill is still not paid for. Plus, I had to hire a babysitter to cover my oldest for the days summer camp was not in session.
Friday, the Ipad was all fixed and home. We picked it up. $140 gone. Another words, all the money from the extra shifts. I wasn’t with my girls for the 4th of July. The ipad is back and it’s how I am trying to catch up at job one. I spent the day working around the house. Not much got done due to a bad toddler day on Saturday, which is why our friends are helping us. Saturday night, I decided to go to a Reiki Share. I find it refocuses me. It’s tough work working substance abuse. He said he didn’t mind me going. I left at 6PM. The second, I came through the door, something was wrong. His cell phone is laying on the ground. He put the package of dog treats in the freezer again. We don’t sleep in the same room, so I freaked out. I shook him until he stirred and I knew he was okay.
I left for work on Sunday. I texted the oldest call me. Well, the oldest calls me in tears. I trying to put out a bunch of crisis’s at work. Now what is going on. Well, she is crying because the Ipad’s tempered glass is broken now. $140! I wanted to scream. Something told me not too. I’ll figure this out later. Working was a good excuse not to see the in-laws. I drove to the restaurant and met him there. He had this pretty speech all prepared. So, I fell for it and both of us ended up crying in the car. Well if it is a screen protector just get her a new one. I order it. We ran out of time. Today, the dentist calls we forgot the appointment, but they schedule it for later. It rearranged my day. We ran errands. So, I told her this is her last chance with the Ipad. She told me the truth of how it was broken. Poor kid took the responsibility for a day now. I got so mad that I went into confrontation mode with who broke it, which ended with an ultimatum. My oldest begging for me to for finding her at fault. I took pics of it because it may have lead to me taking the person to court.
My oldest is crying. I am so upset. The toddler drops a shoe in the car. I didn’t bring the stroller. My breast cancer arm is aching a short trip to the store ended up me walking the mall because the whole screen needed to be repaired again. When the temped glass shattered, it took the screen out again. The toddler is persistent about walking. You can’t let toddler walk around bare foot at a mall. She missed a nap. She is a mess. One melt down after another. I am trying to call friends and figure this out. Basically, with all my friends, I develop a plan. I am getting breaks here and there. Finally, you know what. It is the problem of the person who caused this. Not my problem, let him fix it. I had to call out. All because I wanted a few hours to myself. Heartbroken… Supposedly, there are more promises. Follow through this time! Really, I deserve a social life. A few hours to rejuvenate a few days per month…
Promises are nice words of setting intentions. After so many broken promises, I am hoping for reality! Show me you will follow through. Reality is more picture perfect than those words that never lead to following through!
After my first daughter died & my oldest daughter Hope was born, I chose the wrong doctors for her care. I picked the same doctor I had growing up, because his wife was involved in Avery’s care. We got a doctor with a past with my brother that I did not understand. I did not know that my brother had been hiding his son was diagnosis with autism. During the diagnosis process, my brother was belligerent. I guess it got so bad that police had to be called.
When Hope was born, the doctors had an agenda not her or our family. At this one hospital cruel statements were made about my choice to carry my first daughter to term and about my family. Never with witnesses. I told my husband and his family. My gut told me don’t go back. My husband and his family persisted I was over reacting and over sensitive. My daughter was not well cared for. I learned a hard lesson that day. I learned my gut instinct is always correct. I learned to trust my internal voice and not act on public opinion. There was a cycle of abuse in my family. The doctors knew it and used it to their advantage for their own agenda. Thankfully, neither Hope or I were physically harmed in the process. Hope was too young to remember.For months afterwards, I was in emotional pain. The message that I got as a child was driven in that I did not matter. I took it as a time to strengthen my connection with my internal voice and increase feelings of self worth.
I got mad, when she needed a specialist because her liver enzymes were off. The referring doctor’s office chose another doctor near that hospital. Last weekend, I was behind in remodeling the kitchen. My second job inpatient was busy due to the holiday and I worked 6 days straight between the two jobs. Monday, I rushed around, but we never got back on the remodeling schedule. I took the family to see my Aunt, who’s birthday is coming. We surprised her with pizza for lunch after rushing around running errands. I ran into my brother-in-law and youngest niece, while getting the pizza. My brother and sister will have nothing to do with my kids or me. They got to see Joy, our youngest, the first time ever. We had 20 minutes at the mall. I thought that day, we were getting the answer. My husband met me.
The receptionist looks at me and says, “this appointment was canceled. I called and told you. You need to go to Boston for a liver specialist.” I was so angry. I told her that she never spoke to me at all. I went to the bathroom and told her I will call the referring doctor and handle it on my end. I swear stream was coming from my head. We checked all cell phones and answering machines. No message.
On the way out the door, Hope my oldest said, “I really wanted know what was wrong with me.” The mother alarm system went off in my head. So we went home finishing the cookies for a bake sale and I painted at a billion miles an hour before work. Our 4th of July holiday stunk. I spoke with my husband what to do. Another medical problem. Sorry everyone is on holiday situation. July 5th, I called and spoke to the referring doctor’s office and waited.
On July 6th, I knew what I needed to do. I called the patient relations person and told them I was not happy. It may just be a mistake. I heard enough about my birth family for one life time. For years, I teach people to stand up for themselves. It was time, I reached out for my daughter and my myself. For years, I was taught to make no waves. Let them kick you and punch you, but make no waves. I should have reported them all in, when Hope was a baby! Hopefully, I taught Hope to stand up for herself. I said nothing mean. Just the facts. I have made it my life goal to reject the messages, I was taught as a child. I am standing up for my children and myself! Don’t care what you think of my brother or sister. Talk to me! Now we have another appointment on our vacation week, which I hate. Just for one vacation, I want no doctors or house remodeling projects. Hopefully the painting we be done before we go for a few days in the mountains. It is growing on me. It has been 17 months since we decided to fix the house. I am hoping the kitchen is done before the end of July. We have two other rooms to paint. We talked about going into Boston and having fun after the appoitment. Now time to stop writing and start painting again!
I already completed middle school. I feel just handling the childcare issue was a challenge for this family. It is illegal in my state to let a child under 13 years old stay home alone. My daughter had difficulty in the city school system with bullying. Some of the surrounding towns will allow your child into their school system. Your resident city or town will be billed for your child’s tuition to attend a different town’s school. We couldn’t afford private school due to medical bills from my breast cancer and infertility treatment. We put our oldest’s name in the lottery. She was turned down during first grade. Second grade, her name was chosen. For years now, I have had the responsibility to transport her to and from school, which was not a big deal since it was on the way to my old job. I have had two jobs now for 5 years. After the youngest was born, I switched jobs. The main job is closer to Boston. It makes my commute an hour and half to two hours every work day.
I was fearing if my main job could accommodate next year’s school schedule. Child care for preteens really lacks. Summer camp and infant daycare swallowed my checks whole last year. She refused to go back to back to the art camp. Since my oldest is going to middle school, there is no afterschool program. My oldest can go to the library about an hour with friends and a cell phone. That’s not childcare! Which librarian signed up to be a childcare worker? I am also not thrilled to learn most of the middle schoolers and high schoolers hang out at the local corner store after school. If you read my last blog, I stood to loose income etc… My children are always first. I have been the one historical to take the blows at time to my vacation time. My husband does too.
Thursday morning, my stomach was so anxious, it was eating itself! I was overwhelmed about leaving a job that I didn’t want to leave. We can’t afford to move. Without the right wages, we can’t afford a house in that town. We owe some serious money for my youngest child’s conception. I sat down with a manager and had a conversation about look I need to know. My other job was willing to accommodate me and possible hire me to work with children. Instead of threatening to quit, I started the conversation with how I respected my place of work. Then, I asked I need those hours accommodated. I cringed like any second I would be asked to leave. Oh my! It worked out very much in my favor. I was offered to slowly transferred to the nursing home program. My heart beamed with such relief! Thank God! I don’t need to quit! I began to call my oldest and my husband. I hadn’t slept in nights! All that stress was for nothing! I was going to sleep tonight.
Then, a message came from the babysitter, who I thought I had made it clear my hours were changing, when she accepted the job. “I can only watch them on Wednesday and Thursday.” The text message said. I started to sob. I just told my boss a date. Now it looked like I had to back track. I ended up on my lunch break calling a mess of people for coverage for 3 weeks on Mondays & Tuesdays. All the stress came right back! I finally ended up hiring the teen, who does the church care for our church. She is going to come over my house. I just have to give her a lift home. This has been my week.
The family daycare was getting mad about me not giving her a deposit. She was telling me that she may be fully enrolled in shortly. That was a whole scramble to pay for a spot for my youngest, but she is enrolled now. She is not returning to the daycare center with multiple lead teachers. Her behavior has been extremely frustrating at times. I think the kids learned some bad behaviors while the toddlers had musical teachers, who never returned. Extremely small children require attachment to their caregivers. She wasn’t getting it there. I hope with regular caregivers she will calm down.
I understand we can’t afford to move. I should be painting the kitchen now. Every day, I take care of the kids and do something to move this house forward to our ultimate goal of moving, so Hope can walk home from school. Hopeful, now no more bumps in the childcare road. What makes me so mad is, she knew this volunteering for babysitting. She knew I was so in fear of loosing my job. It was like she waited to drop a bomb on me not knowing it. Mom is ready for middle school! Hopeful, we are not scrambling next year. I hope next year the blog reads. Yay! We are moving!
The good news is the job is going to be an opportunity to learn new skills with a population that I have had some interaction with. I think everyone won! August 14th, I will start my new schedule. Right after vacation!