Tag Archives: regrets

Talk About Your Anniversary Gifts

A friend of the family gave us a generous offer.  The birthday bash for the girls is almost a little less than a month away.  He told me that his wife and him are coming over to help so I can paint the kitchen cabinets within a weekend.  I am so happy.  It’s been a struggle over 17 months of remodeling for one person to take the kids and the other one to work on the house.

My daughter right after my unpaid maternity leave asked for a mini I-pad for Christmas one year.  Literally, we were putting gifts on credit cards because I just went back to work.  Daycare expects their tuition.  Co-workers/friends got together and gave us enough money to basically pay the first week.  My oldest got her I-pad mini for Christmas.  Thanks to credit cards.   Shortly after she got it, the screen got cracked because she dropped it.  For a long time, it worked.  She left it on the floor and I stepped on it by accident.

Last year, I brought a cheap tablet to get some work done at home.  Well, our work operating system would not work on a tablet.  The operating system requires either old widows program or an Apple device for security reasons.  Here I am with this cheap tablet that wouldn’t work and I couldn’t return.  The deal was, my oldest would share the I-pad with me and use the cheap tablet, when I needed it.  It began to ghost type.  It was freaky.  For weeks, I promised I would try to fix it.  Well, every week I tried.  It looked like according to Google that my child’s Ipad was hacked.  It got so bad, that I am saying to customer service I can’t get it to do what you want because it’s so busy opening a mess of programs that I didn’t ask it too.  I took to it to a repair shop.  It ended up the screen needed to be replaced.  I got the bill.  Here goes all the money I worked so hard on the 4th of July for.  We have so many bills upcoming.  August is both the girl’s birthdays.  This year, we decided to do one party.  My oldest is getting too old.  Joy doesn’t have any outside friends.  It made sense to show off all the hard work on the house.

Well, our relationship has been disconnected for years now.  He won’t hire a babysitter.  His mother will not help.  My mother died years ago.  The tradition was…  I would start in June to beg his mother for one annual night of babysitting.  One year after multiple prompts, she forgot anyways.  We were told we were only getting an hour that year.  So, I had it with him and her.  Finally, I stopped talking about going out for our anniversary.  Why brother?  Two years later, he panicked.  Why weren’t we going out anymore for anniversary?  This year to afford a babysitter, I need to work a shift and a half.  This year, I figured to say nothing about our anniversary.  Maybe he will forget.  I said nothing.  Damn on June 30th, he says so what are we doing on our anniversary.

Please don’t think I am cold. We haven’t been close in years.  Forget it!  It caused a string of arguments Last summer, we were totally drained financially by summer camp, infant daycare and two individual birthday parties. I think I have mentioned, we are trying to move and the youngest conception bill is still not paid for. Plus, I had to hire a babysitter to cover my oldest for the days summer camp was not in session.

Friday, the Ipad was all fixed and home. We picked it up.  $140 gone.  Another words, all the money from the extra shifts.  I wasn’t with my girls for the 4th of July.  The ipad is back and it’s how I am trying to catch up at job one.  I spent the day working around the house.  Not much got done due to a bad toddler day on Saturday, which is why our friends are helping us.   Saturday night, I decided to go to a Reiki Share.  I find it refocuses me.  It’s tough work working substance abuse.  He said he didn’t mind me going. I left at 6PM.  The second, I came through the door, something was wrong.  His cell phone is laying on the ground.  He put the package of dog treats in the freezer again.  We don’t sleep in the same room, so I freaked out.  I shook him until he stirred and I knew he was okay.

I left for work on Sunday.  I texted the oldest call me.  Well, the oldest calls me in tears.  I trying to put out a bunch of crisis’s at work.  Now what is going on.  Well, she is crying because the Ipad’s tempered glass is broken now.  $140!  I wanted to scream.  Something told me not too.  I’ll figure this out later.  Working was a good excuse not to see the in-laws.  I drove to the restaurant and met him there.  He had this pretty speech all prepared.  So, I fell for it and both of us ended up crying in the car.  Well if it is a screen protector just get her a new one.  I order it.  We ran out of time.  Today, the dentist calls we forgot the appointment, but they schedule it for later.  It rearranged my day.  We ran errands. So, I told her this is her last chance with the Ipad.  She told me the truth of how it was broken.  Poor kid took the responsibility for a day now.  I got so mad that I went into confrontation mode with who broke it, which ended with an ultimatum.  My oldest begging for me to for finding her at fault.  I took pics of it because it may have lead to me taking the person to court.

My oldest is crying.  I am so upset.  The toddler drops a shoe in the car.  I didn’t bring the stroller.  My breast cancer arm is aching a short trip to the store ended up me walking the mall because the whole screen needed to be repaired again.  When the temped glass shattered, it took the screen out  again.  The toddler is persistent about walking.  You can’t let toddler walk around bare foot at a mall.  She missed a nap.  She is a mess.  One melt down after another.  I am trying to call friends and figure this out.  Basically, with all my friends, I develop a plan.  I am getting breaks here and there.  Finally, you know what.  It is the problem of the person who caused this.   Not my problem, let him fix it.   I had to call out.  All because I wanted a few hours to myself.  Heartbroken…  Supposedly, there are more promises.   Follow through this time!   Really, I deserve a social life.  A few hours to rejuvenate a few days per month…

Promises are nice words of setting intentions.  After so many broken promises, I am hoping for reality!  Show me you will follow through.  Reality is more picture perfect than those words that never lead to following through!

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Briers For My 7th Breast Cancer Anniversary

Our family has been facing some medical issues recently.  I took a break from remodeling.  Sadly, my schedule on days off have been very booked.  The family ferret has insulinoma (caner of the pancreas).  She has required multiple trips to the vet to check her sugar levels.  My oldest daughter has been having dizzy spells.  I feel like a cab.

Since the family vacation in April, I found a lump on the top of my ear near the skin connecting to my head.  It has seriously hurt, when I wear glasses.  I thought this is a cyst.  For weeks now, I have been trying a number of home remedies to get rid of it.

I had surgery to remove a number of polyps from my uterus in February.  I was having heavy bleeding and 21 day cycles.  Last week, the heavy bleeding returned.  I got up and left stains everywhere.  So, I called the OB GYN.  They made an appointment for this week.

On the same afternoon, my phone rings again. My daughter’s doctor office called with a neurology appointment for Tuesday, which is the same day as my OB GYN appointment.  This neurology appointment is in the morning.  The OB GYN appointment is in the afternoon.  Both are hour drives in the opposite direction.  I thought no problem.

Monday was my physical.  I had been suffering with the bump on my ear for awhile.  I had to take the youngest with me, since my husband took Tuesday morning to go to my oldest daughter’s appointment.  I showed him my ear.  He felt a Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist should look at it.  He was concerned about skin cancer and if it should be biopsy.  Cancer again?

My toddler fell asleep on the drive home.  I sat in the driveway in disbelief.  My phone rings again.  The specialist can see me mid morning on Tuesday.  I felt so emotional drained.  Yes, I do have my girls and my husband.  There is just no family involved in our lives.  There isn’t an aunt or a grandmother to call for help with the kids.  It’s in these situations, I feel very isolated and alone.  (My last C-section erupted with an argument with my in-laws about who was going to take care of my oldest.  I actually mentally prepared to go into a C-section by myself with no support.) I couldn’t ask them for help.  I spoke to a few friends about the lump on my ear.  It made me feel slightly better.

Worst of all, I have been working Monday and Tuesday nights at my other job.   The neurology appointment for my daughter made me anxious.  I buried two babies due to a rare disease.  There was another part of me that knew this was routine.  My recent surgery on the polyps reminded me how alone I am.  I am running all over the place.  I got my glasses tighten.  Hope, my oldest, was anxious about the state exams and the neurologist appointment.  I promise to take her to one of her activity stores.  I spoke to my medical oncologist, who said I couldn’t have a hormonal IUD for cycle control due to my previous history of breast cancer.  Some of the IUD’s can thin and make a cycle quicker.  We also talked about my ear.

Tuesday morning at the neurologist appointment, it was a bit of a rough start.  I am staring at this genetic history form and I am tired, drained and overwhelmed.  I am telling her it’s not a good day to ask me if I am in good physical health.  Another cancer diagnosis my happen again.  Finally, I said, “I am struggling with this form.  Our family is the first documented genetic carriers of a rare disease.”  The person, we met with softened.  All sudden, I felt she got it.  Basically, Hope was diagnosis with Vertigo.  They want us to see a Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist to rule out allergies.  One appointment down. My husband asked to work from home to cover all these doctor appointments.  My toddler is very active.  He takes Hope to school.

I call my aunt, who is 80 something.  She sounds horrible and wheezy due to a cold.  I go to check on her.  I meet the Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist and explain all the appointments I am going through.  She was very understanding.  She told me that the lump looks like a cyst, but it should be biopsy.  She explained if it is cancer or not cancer, it needs to be removed only.  More good news.

I decide to drive home and drop by to see the toddler after eating lunch at my favorite bakery from my childhood memories.  I am wiped out.  I figure I better update the school nurse.  She says to me, “your daughter landed wrong on stage. She is here now.” Now, I know I have to take this kid to the walk in clinic after school.  My ear starts throbbing bad from the biopsy.

The OB GYN appointment was okay.  There is little they can do to control this bleeding.  I leave and I go to check out.  There is a couple sitting down talking with check out.  I go up to the other window a few times.  No one comes.  So, I give them their space.  All of sudden, a medical receptionist screams at me, “is someone hiding in the hall.”

So, I corrected her.  I told her, ” I am not hiding.  I have been at the window twice and no one is paying attention.” It’s been a miserable day.  I hate doctors.  I am at the end of my rope.  My ear is really throbbing.  No painkiller is touching it. When the receptionist is checking me out, I am telling her to retell me the information.   I called my boss and asked to go in to complete my work and leave early.  She agrees.  I can’t miss work since I have no vacation or sick time.

I can’t go to another doctor.  I just can’t.  So, I called my husband and told him to take the oldest to the doctor’s.  I got good news mostly.  I felt so emotionally drained today.  My oldest has a groin injury and she can not walk.  I spent half the night finding other things for our family to do this Memorial Day Weekend that require no walking.

I have come a long way since starting this blog.  I stopped complaining and I am doing things to improve my life.  I am making friends.  I am aware I can’t discuss my baby loss issues with them either.  I tried to get out once a month with my friends to take care of myself.

It was the Friday before Memorial Day that I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  It brought new meaning to LONG WEEKEND.  Today, I finally told my oldest what is going on with the ear.  It was so hard this morning because she was in so much pain and I work during the days Wednesdays through Fridays.  Even if I could stay home, she would have missed the state exams.  She had to go to school.  My ear just throbbed today due to the biopsy.  I am hoping for better days.  I am also taking this as a warning sign to take better care of myself such as count my steps, quit smoking and sleep right.

The Rekindling Of An Old Pain: Syrian Murders

I don’t speak much in the real world.  Shortly after my first daughter died, I learned a few people have no tolerance for the bereaved mother.  So, I completely shut down.  I only greeted people and learned how to avoid conversations.  My first born was born with a rare disease.  We only had one choice a do not resuscitate order.  For months, I struggled with her death.  She died in her parents arms.  Some people do not allow us to openly grieve her.  Infant loss is taboo.  A baby with birth defects is more taboo.  My body and mind knows different.

Unfortunately, when I shut down for years, my oldest absorbed these social skills.  I am going to apply this story about my daughter to the murders.  One day at church, the kids were asked by the Reverend, “does anyone know what the golden rule is?”  All of a sudden only one hand went up, my daughter who never talks.

She said, “It’s a rule that you should treat others the way, you want to be treated.” The church was silent.  My daughter like me as a way of provoking deep thoughts because we barely speak, so when we speak, it can be profound.  I was giving her an applause in my mind.

I barely watch or read the newspapers.  Since my first daughter died, I understand what it means to be a bereaved parent.  I find the news overwhelming for me.

When I first saw the story about Syria, I thought this isn’t real.  On social media, I have been exposed to others following the story.  I see the images and I am close to be flooded with memories of my own loss.  To get a person to kill another, the person has to see others as objects.  I am broken we have people who can see people as objects without feelings.  I should be painting the house.  Here I am in emotional disbelief about kids as young as 4 walking to another country.  Don’t they matter?  We need to teach the golden rule more.  We need less movies about murder and more about compassion for one another.  I was emotional neglected growing up by my father.  It’s only recently we acknowledge the impact of verbal abuse.  I hope I clear my energy this morning, because I am being flooded with memories.  More compassion world!

Everything I Learned About Life: Rare Disease Day

I wanted to honor today as Rare Disease Day.  I do not proclaim to be perfect but learning.  My husband cut his thumb, while painting our daughter’s bedroom.  In that moment everything was happening according to plan.  Then disaster struck.  My perfect day with my oldest daughter got twisted.  He could not continue to work.  He needed 5 stitches.  Yesterday, I did not feel well.  I tried to fix this.  The room was suppose to be done on her last day of school vacation.  We set up a temporary sleeping situation.  My oldest struggle to sleep or get her clothing.  I did what I could.

I thought over the film project.  I stayed late at work, while a co-worker helped.  At midnight last night, I started to paint.  The ceiling roller broke in half.  Paint spilled on the floor.  At 4AM it was done.   Our family is the first document case known of passing this awful disease, which took 2 of our children’s lives.  I miscarried multiple times, who know how many were really effected.  I am not going to tell you that we didn’t feel angry or shut down.  Somehow, we had to make a choice.  It was hope or despair.  Life is not perfect.  This morning I was so over tired and sick that Joy missed her first gymnastics class.  This has been a journey of learning to “roll with the punches” and learning when to punch back.  Hopefully, I am developing wisdom on choices of the 2.

My hope is someday to hear someone say, “Ms. C., if Avery and Addison were born today, their lives would be different.  They may have been alive.  Families now can get genetic counseling and mental health services to deal with the genetic information.  Families now don’t have to wait for a loss.  They can seek services before conception and make choices.”

Genes are not all we are made of.  Everyone deserves medical care!  Today, I am make through the day, because we are relatively healthy, except for the cold.  This a lot to be thankful for.

On Becoming

A few weeks ago, I missed an OB GYN appointment due to being locked of my car. I had waited months for that appointment. Since having Joy, 14 months ago today, I had symptoms. Yesterday, I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner. I was anxious just getting there. I am thinking this is menopause. She listen to me and asked me to log my symptoms for a few months because I may need a uterine biopsy. I am like most cancer survivors. I thought this is cancer. Of course, I didn’t ask those questions.

Joy, our baby daughter, had a follow up for her recent coughing spell. All my thoughts were there. I stopped to the house in between appointments. I see black helicopters in the sky so I knew they were looking for someone. Just another day in US 100 most violent cities, I thought. They were looking for two men. I thought to myself, thanks for the reminder of the address change. There was a bigger storm that happened and I didn’t know it. It had nothing to do with Joy’s appointment because she was cleared. They said babies can have reactive asthma, which babies can grow out of. It’s a question mark if Joy has asthma. One more time, they will send me to a specialist. She is good for now. I was told to stop using the nebulizer.

All weekend long, I had this sense of dread. It’s been a long road to rebuild my relationship with my husband. I fell asleep early Friday. I have a lot of stuff to be done. It seems like one week to another, I never catch up. I was feeling very productive Saturday. I was up at early time. The dog was walked. The kids were asleep. Yes, I was going to do it today. My cell phone died. Five hours of holding buttons and hoping it would just turn on. Nothing, but finger cramps. I had to get a new one because the repairs cost more than the phone. The old one had several technical difficulties.

Since I had cancer treatment, I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I have these plans to fix it and all intentions. Something happens and I don’t get there.

We went to the type of phone store. I had promised my old phone to my oldest daughter, when she starts middle school next year. The plan was to get a new one at the right time. Now wasn’t it. I was highly stressed because things weren’t getting done. The phone store was not interested in the least to help me because I was trying to buy an new older model. For an hour, I heard “your next.” Worst of all, I called my cell phone provider and they referred me to a store in the mall that no longer existed. I was angry at this point. Our day was ruined by a cell phone. So, I called the one down the street from my house. They had the model I wanted. Free at last! All fixed.

I see these parents being very harsh on their toddler son and I said something to them. It almost caused a fight at the mall. I had no cell phone so I had to run into a store to alert security. We took the kids last second to a Halloween event. We rushed off to drop something at my aunts. I had an answer.

I got to the store and they had a model that I thought about getting. Last second, I told them that I wanted that phone instead. Well, unknown to me the only left was the floor model at full price. Then, they couldn’t sell me that model because they couldn’t get it off demo. So, I brought another version of my now old cell phone. After months of telling my husband to get a new one, because he got a cheap one, he got one too. We get home at 7PM with the kids unfeed. Now, I am really judging myself. Bad mother! I was brunt out about the day. On top it, I had cupcakes to make for the daycare party. So, I had Hope make them and just baked them. After the first batch, she tells me, “I used canola oil.” What a day. Sunday was no better. No one at the party ate the cupcakes after all that work. All these intentions and nothing happened the way, I planned. My neighbor had all family over I thought nothing of it.

Yesterday, I was obsessing about the needle biopsy of my uterus. Dr. Google found a way to comfort me of non-cancerous reasons. Yesterday, I see my neighbor in her driveway. I am going on and on about the black helicopters and telling her she shouldn’t hang outside. She asks me, “how come I never responded to her text.” She told me her husband died Friday and she texted me Saturday. It ends up, he hide he had bowel cancer for 2 years. He died from an infection. There is no text on my phone. I am without words. All weekend, I was in a grump of a mood over a cell phone and avoiding them, when the people I cared about were grieving and I avoided them. I stood there in tears and shock. Why didn’t this man tell us? Who gives a damn about a cell phone? Two teen boys lost their father. I sat up late last night without words. At the end of the day, who cares about what type of cell phone is in your pocket, where you live or what car you drive. I have had an odd relationship with my neighbors for years. Damn in the second when I needed something, they surprised me at times. Last Christmas Eve, we had to have the fire department at the house due to carbon detector and the fire place. She texted me, “do you need me to take the kids?” I am here at my house remembering the early moments of when someone dies… I don’t have the words for her. I can’t stop crying. I am going to try again to reach those goals. The new phone is acting up. Let’s put life in perspective, these are just things… Our real compassion should be for one another. Maybe if we had compassion for one another, we wouldn’t need the black helicopters. Maybe there wouldn’t be a list of the 100 most violent cities to live in

Father’s Day: A Different Perspective

(Secondary Infertility Story) I have said this a billion times. My mother was my saving grace in my life. She had a dream for her daughters called college. Sadly, she had a husband who was abusive to her. He was my biological father.

My husband and I are infertile. Many times, I would turn to my husband and tell him, “I wish it was my father who was infertile.”

I was born the youngest of three children. There are 6 to 7 years between me and my brother and sister. He was entrusted with the lives of three beautiful children. In his angry moments, we were told repeatedly in so many words why our lives were a mistake. Part of the reason, I hated my birthday. I could never understand this, I was an A and B student in middle school and until junior year in high school. Since I was the “last” he made my mother make a choice. It was either him or me. My mother choose me. I was 18 years old and I had a year left to high school. (Due to a serious life threatening illness at 18 months of age, the school system and my mother decided I should start first grade not second. This one is a different post for another day. I didn’t stay back.)

When my first daughter died Avery, I so wanted to look him up and tell him what he missed. She only lived for a day. I didn’t. I found myself grieving her death and a father that I never had. How I would have given my life for my children! God, where is justice? Infertility has been a double edge sword for me. I couldn’t have the father that I wanted. I can’t have the children I want either.

I followed my mother’s and my dream and went to college. I liked it so much I went to grad school too! My mother wanted us so bad to become teachers. She was heart broken, when that wasn’t my dream. My sister was the first to graduate from college in our family. I am the first to graduate grad school. Father’s Day hurt, when I was younger. There was no father. He took off in the middle of the night in my junior year of high school. My mother loved the three of us without end. So, last December on my husband’s birthday, I got the call that I knew would come someday. My Aunt told me that he had died around my second daughter Addison’s anniversary of her death in November. I couldn’t stop crying for an hour.

I can’t confirm any of the information that my sister and brother are saying. My husband’s aunt is trying to prove it. Instead, we learned he illegal married in 2006. My parents remained married. My mother sadly died in 2010 in the middle of my breast cancer treatment. Maybe I am in denial. It took some serious time for me to accept I needed an embryo donation to become a parent again. I don’t feel a need to dug up records and prove it. I am busy trying to make embryo donation work right now. I am sorry if he is dead and we never found peace. I have put this on hold, when I ready I will look up the death certificate. My mother never dated or found someone else. She was faithful until the end. She taught me as a young child family first. She worked so hard at the flower shop making ends meet. I love going into a flower shop and the smell. It reminds me of my mother. My father couldn’t be trusted to be there for afterschool care.

I love my cookie jar. I have had the same one for almost 15 years. When my father got angry, the cookie jar was broken repeatedly.

So this year, I am choosing to celebrate my mother’s life on Father’s Day. I made my husband wait 5 years until I finally married him. In July, it will be 20 years I have known my husband. I celebrate my husband, who has survived two of his children dying from rare disease, a string of miscarriages, another failed IUI/IVF, trips to the geneticist and his wife’s breast cancer treatment. I love to tell my daughter that there was only one Prince Charming and her mother married him. Every day, I tell my daughter how beautiful her birthday is. Her life is different thanks to the hard work of all of us. I also tell her how lucky she is to have a father. Sadly, many children do not have a father on father’s day. Someday, hopefully, my dream comes true and I will have another child to tell how special he or she is.