Since my breast cancer diagnosis, my soul craves spiritual level thinking. I find myself often in deep philosophical thoughts about the world and the universe. Sadly, I find a lot of people are not on this level. I am trying to say I am better than anyone or I do not have respect for anyone. For a few years now, I have pulled inward. I have tried to keep it polite. It’s not that I think I am better… The journey of infertility and the universe is constantly in my thoughts. Due to my life experiences, I do have days where I grieve it all. I feel different than others. This has been going on since birth. What is it I am really looking for? Yes, I want a baby. Yes, I want a dog too. Yes, I want to obtain my career goals. My living daughter sings this song, “tell me what you really want.” (With my daughter, I don’t know if it is real or something she wrote. She is her own spirit to say it nicely.) There is something deeper on a spiritual level I am trying to get at. What it is. I have no idea. Other than, something is missing.
I stopped talking to others about this level that. Well today, I gave it one more shot to express my needs and feelings. I found myself drowning in another person’s river of denial. There was a time that I was like others living on the surface only. I have no answers. I only have pretty profound questions that lead to other questions.
Lately, I have been working on my trusting my gut instinct about life. The more a certain person protests, the more certain I know I am on the right path. I am really glad that I went back to meditation class and Reiki Circle. When the conversation was over, I felt myself even more frustrated. I remember what my meditation teacher said, “it’s not about if others are unplugged, it’s about you remaining unplugged.”
This is a deeper level. So, I have spent the day in my grief and reaching out, when I know that I shouldn’t. This person is not this level. Not trying to judge myself better… We are at different places. Nor do I feel this person should be completely removed from my life. The person is good. Feelings have changed over the years and there is a respect between us. I can’t tell this person to go have some horrible life changing events and come back to me. There are days where I am close to saying that. We are where we are at.
Anyways, enough about the person. I am a physical, mental and spiritual person. So, today, I looked into safe way to lower that cholesterol, maintain enough fat to grow a healthy baby and prevent blood clots in pregnancy. Mentally and spiritually, I looked into a different type of meditation.
I have spent so much time grieving everything else that I never allowed the real grief to surface. I guess I am capable of my own denial too. Remember, I got diagnosis with breast cancer when I was just given the okay to try to get pregnant again. My anxiety has been very high this week. I finally am going for embryo donation with a good success rate for having that baby I always wanted. I keep thinking of the tech yesterday looking over the pictures. Hopefully, it was to just check the charity. I am scared of the c word returning. It would ruin a lot of plans. I am going to bed, because I haven’t slept well. I am also not getting my usual six hours to myself since my daughter is not at school yet. She is home with me a few days a week. As much as I love my job. I need one day of six hours of silence to clear out the negative energy of the week. Tomorrow, Reiki first thing and work.
The doctors told me they would call Tuesday or Wednesday so I don’t have to wait the whole week for a report to show up in my mailbox. I am trying to think of a way of protesting this I have to wait now since I am 40. I want it to be respectful, because I have gratitude for my cancer treatment twice at this hospital. Maybe I should just be grateful not to be a priority case because that would mean I was really fighting for my life. I don’t want to come across as ungrateful cancer patient, but my worst nightmare would be for cancer to return. I get the idea. They don’t want to overwhelm the staff, but it’s a nightmare for me to leave without knowing was it normal. Until then, I will try to journal these thoughts.