I am liking my new job. Last week it was really tough, my old job let me leave without acknowledging my work without a card even. I gave them extra to put things in order. Today, I was thinking of the women fighting infertility, fighting chronic illness, those with the first Mother’s Day without mom, those facing the first mother’s day after infant loss. I am working hard to remodel the house. After a flooring contractor strung us along and wasted our time, a friend is going to do our floors. I guess the contractors have been putting us on the bottom of the list because we are a “small job.” I am working this Sunday. Next week, I am going out with the family to watch a dance. It was on my bucket list. I am also doing a Reiki workshop as a Breast Cancer Survivor gift to myself. I have had some tough times with a relationship lately and I need this gift to myself. Last year, I tried to go to eat and it didn’t go so well. So I am doing something else! I wrote my gratitude list.
My meditation teacher gave me good advice since I was getting so upset that about my breast cancer anniversary not being recognized. My birth family is great at making me feel small. So instead of being mad, I made my own plans to celebrate in a nice family restaurant. Last Wednesday, I started to get a cold. Thursday, I received a phone call from the OB GYN telling me I had gestational diabetes. I am trying to learn to use the electronic glucose machine. I got a number on the first try. I had no guidelines at all. By Friday, the cold intensified even more. I was diagnosis with adult asthma after breast cancer treatment. I hadn’t needed the rescue inhaler for close to a year and a half. I was trying to make it, but finally the asthma attack was too great.
I felt like I was drowning all last Friday. I left the test stripes home to run the glucose machine. The OB GYN office finally called. I finally understood how often to test and what to look for. Honestly, I would have called out sick, but I have no benefits with either job. It felt like I was holding my breath to speak. Finally, I get to go out to eat with my family. I am already not feeling well. Neither my husband or child was particular empathic that night. We began to argue. All I wanted was to have diner with my family. It was feeling just like the way it I was treated when I went through cancer treatment. I ended up crying in the bathroom. We went home and I couldn’t get the glucose meter work for 13 test stripes. It was one error message after another. Finally, I got the thing to work. Saturday, I was home because the office closes on holidays. I decided on self care and send them both on errands.
The next day, I get slightly high sugar readings. I page the doctor. I was told to just continue to monitor the levels. That night, I thought I heard teens on the street playing with fireworks. I couldn’t sleep afterwards. The weekend is starting to get better and the cold is getting better. Monday afternoon, I hear my husband talking to who I thought was a higher up with in the police department. So, I go to the door and ask about the noise last night. I was told they put someone into custody for fooling around with a gun. So, I started asking a lot of questions. When the door closed, I learned it was the mayor of our city who came to the door. I was embarrassed. The house is a mess because we are cleaning things in the basement. I just gave the third degree to the mayor of our city.
My living daughter could not sleep since learning what happened on the street. I could not sleep either. She had this headache all week that wouldn’t go away. It ends up the shootings over Memorial Day Weekend wasn’t the only disaster for our city. There was a boil water order before drinking it due to a water main break, it has since been lifted. I decided to go out and get a haircut. I took my daughter to the doctor’s Thursday. It’s her allergies. The headaches continue so I need take her to the doctor’s again. As a bereaved mother my child being sick is a high stressor for me. Over the years, I have a way of secretly being anxious. We are going to talk to the dentist today to make sure it is not the new retainer.
Every day, we take for granted clean drinking water, when so many people in world don’t have any. My family drinks only Spring water anyways. We didn’t want to do the dishes if there was a question about bacteria in the water. Every time, I went out to eat. I got slightly high glucose readings. I do not eat like other people to start with. I asked to be apart of this nutritional study as a volunteer. Today, I saw people eating large subs for lunch. I don’t eat like that. It gets to me, I try and try hard. I am the one with the cholesterol problem and now gestational diabetes because one blood level was too high by 5 points. Most of this blog was written last Friday night. I stopped typing around here and my glucose level was very high 260. I paged the doctor. I was panicking due to worrying about the baby. I must have dropped my wallet and my pill case, while looking for my cell phone. When the doctor called he was not the nicest person, so I gave it back.
Saturday was a mess, I discovered my wallet missing driving to work. I had to turn around and go home. I got information about a personal wellness seminar over this weekend. I decided this was my gift to myself. So, I have decided that could help me in my guidance in my spiritual journey. So I decided to sign up for it. Later, I realized my pill case with my thyroid pills and baby aspirin was missing. This frightens me because one of the late miscarriage had blood clots. My husband had to drive my pills to me. So, I missed a bunch of work. I had to stay to get stuff done, because Tuesday, I am with the OB GYN all day with appointments to address this gestational diabetes. I missed the first conference I sign up for. I did sign up for a parenting conference, but I was so upset about missing the meditation conference. I decided to go to something else on energy and healing. This woman talks about being and working with cancer patients. I spoke with her. She is Stage 4 cancer patient with a teen age son. I was talking about my infertility. She told me her son was embryo donation. It was like the entire day and all the frustrations made sense. Because I was late, I met this woman. Both of our children, my baby I am carrying was conceived through embryo donation.
My energy is stuck in the anger for the death of my last daughter, the treatment of having breast cancer and the death of my mother. I keep asking myself why this energy is blocked. I felt like I needed to keep marching on no matter what. Lately, I am working on not holding in my sense of isolation but expressing it. This baby is coming. I don’t want my daughter taken care of. Because of the environment, I grew up in, I am very cautious to see no one is forgotten. I am going to be honest with you. I lash out sometimes. I think the meaning of the anger is for me to tell people my truth. I need to be careful because when the gates open, they open.
Today was a bit of a mess, but my labs got done. My husband called me to tell me that he fell at work. Last year, he fell at the Christmas Parade and fractured his elbow. Now, he broke the opposite elbow in the fall from today.
In the middle of my husband being at the doctors, I got confirmation of the embryo transfer date. I am feeling like.. didn’t I just go? In the middle of this all, I needed plane tickets. The application failed on my phone and I needed to call them. My daughter and I were out for her dentist appointment and we needed to go birthday shopping for my husband. I kept thinking about canceling meditation class. I can tell I needed it. Thankfully, I didn’t. Our family’s traditions are a mess… Here is what I am going to say. Yes… this year, I may not have time for the Christmas lights. Yes… I may not have time for holiday cards… Right now, I need to stay focus on my infertility treatment.
This week will be about getting enough rest. I am still tired from last week. Hopefully, I will Reiki myself a lot. I got rid of the Whey protein and I am moving on to smoothie with Avocado in them. Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday. It should be about him.
I was at work at the hospital Sunday night. My favorite Aunt called. Her son had emergency surgery to remove a blood clot last night in Florida.
The doctor’s office called about my lab results too. I know not to personalize medical tests, but I couldn’t stop crying. I put so much of my energy into lowering the cholesterol. It’s even higher. I gave up muffins and doughnuts for nothing. I have been drinking the horrible drinks for nothing. The stress of everything is getting to me.
In these circumstances other things go wrong like the car won’t start for 5 minutes yesterday. I put my glasses down and I couldn’t find them. I did find them, when I went home. I never put them on my face yesterday. They were on the nightstand. Laughing! Thankfully there are two other pairs. One pair of glasses broke. My daughter was late for school yesterday. Neither of us are morning people. I plan to call my Aunt to see how my cousin is doing. I worry about leaving the house to start with. Somehow it is strange. This is home. After watching so many people in my life die, I am not afraid of my own death. I am afraid someone I love will die more.
I don’t work Mondays for a reason. Sundays and Mondays are my weekends. The family schedule has been changed due to the holidays and now the trips. So far, I am not working next Monday, but remember they plan to tell me when the embryo transfer is and my schedule for next week. I spend most of my time in Reiki meditation. It was good to see old friends that I have worked with for years at the hospital. I need the time in meditation to recharge. Yes, I can be very negative. Last night, I didn’t go to meditation or the gym. Last night, I just got stuff done. My daughter’s Junior’s sash is ready to go. Tonight, we say goodbye to our favorite frozen yogurt place. (They say they are closing for two months. I think they may go out.) I drop my daughter off at dance school. She has Girl’s Scouts tonight. I plan to mediate. My husband and I are going out to eat. Then I heading to the gym. Reiki can be done on the plane. I don’t like leaving under these circumstances. Hopeful, my cousin is okay. In the day of social media, I don’t see anything about the outcome of his surgery last night. I will call my aunt. My bag is packed. I put everything in order for my daughter for the next few days.
Thursday, I plan to have breakfast with my daughter. I go to work for half a day then I am on a plane. If it doesn’t work this time, I am considering taking time off. I want a uterine biopsy now. I had an infection before and I don’t like that I am not getting pregnant. Maybe, they can put me on cholesterol pills for awhile too. I can tell that I have lost some weight. I don’t like the cholesterol being that high. My cousin was adopted, but our family has a history of blood clots. I promised to make sure I would sleep, since I will be operating with little to no sleep to see my daughter in the Christmas parade. I haven’t slept well the past few days with the news about my cousin. I can’t imagine being my aunt now… Please pray for him!
It’s on days like this… I really wished we could have afford the egg donation program down South. So, I did connect with the West Coast program about the next embryo donation cycle. They are talking about a possible transfer date at the end of November. I wanted to have a phone consult with the doctor about the last cycle. It concerns me that the last time, I was pregnant was before breast cancer treatment. There is always that bump or lump cancer survivors emotional feel anxious about. We are always waiting for something to go wrong in our bodies. We weren’t expecting it in the first place. The coordinator tells me a bunch of doctors reviewed the cycle. Was I in the room at the time? What about my questions? Sometimes, I feel like they are treating me as if I live in a behavioral residential program. If I push for a phone consult with a doctor, they add three months for the next cycle because I am going to wait for a profile until I can speak to the doctor. If I just type the questions and email them as I am told it will be a month… Has anyone heard of patient rights please? Okay, so I will email the questions if I am not happy with the answers than I pushing for the phone consult. They are trying for a fresh cycle, which will be harder for me, because it is like a fresh egg donor cycle.
We are going to NY/NJ this weekend. I don’t like driving through New York City. My husband points out your grandparents had pilot licenses and your father was a truck driver. First if it was Boston or Providence, I know my home. My husband is a back seat driver. He won’t drive it, but he will tell you how to drive it. Then there is always that NY cab driver behind you to tail gate you because you are from another state. Add the stress of your only living child is trying to tell you something. Plus her life is in your hands. Plus, as a part of my job, I drive a lot. The summary is all this is the key ingredients to undoing all the hard work of meditations that I have done lately to prepare for that cycle. I do love the family. I do notice after talking five days a week and helping children to problem solve that I need 4 hours of straight meditation to sustain my own mental sanity. 4 hours sounds a bit much, but there is nothing like a Reiki session afterwards. It’s my reset button. I have been working towards teaching my 9 year old daughter to meditate. I am trying to give her some wisdom so she doesn’t wake up in her 30’s or 40’s with the stress and problems that I have endure over the years. So, public transportation is what we are doing. My husband and I first joked about this… At 40 something we get it, there was some serious wisdom in the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies about family vacations and weekend getaways.