Monthly Archives: May 2016

Reflections Of This Memorial Day: Today

We are behind quite a bit in the schedule of the spring/cleaning and renovations of the house. It’s been weeks now and I am ready to go out of my head. It all started Sunday morning. A friend was suppose to come and help me, but he couldn’t do to being sick. It’s tough doing this work because it’s stressful to began with. Joy is so young. I try to wake up early or stay up late. It hasn’t work. Sunday morning, I woke up very early after going to bed around Cinderella hour. I was on a mission to get things done. So, I had a major argument with someone about responsibilities and chores. Just arguing. It’s one of those dumb fights that happen over something stupid. I was late to meet with the women about grieving your mom. Later, I could not reach him by cell phone and panic that the worst had happened. It’s an old thought connected to many losses.

I was 13 years old when my mother was hit by a car and missing for 3 1/2 hours. I had been left alone and I didn’t know what to do. Late in the night, I was told. She suffered multiple disabilities due to that accident. My mom and I had a Friday night ritual, when my bio father worked. We didn’t have a car. We would go out to eat, then food shop. She was hit crossing the street for the grocery store. For years, I had guilt that I should have been there. I was at a Halloween party that night. For years, I thought if I was there I could have pushed her out of the way of the car. My mother also fell multiple times. I was the one to find her dead. Also remember I am a bereaved parent. You don’t answer your phone or I can’t contact you, I am panicking. Both girls were with this person too. So I text the activity leader and I was relieved to learn everyone left okay. Five minutes later, I reached the person.

I am actually now as an adult realizing I was thirteen years old and I was a kid at a Halloween Party. It was an accident. The disabilities contributed to my mother’s death. I love meeting the group of bereaved daughters. I am struggling to quit smoking, so many lost their mom to cancer. I can control what I can control and quitting smoking is one of them.

Memorial Day was a gift in a way. I had a very tight schedule planned for myself. It poured. I wasn’t going to the children’s graves or mom’s grave. Joy was sick. So the Memorial Service for Vets was rain or shine. Hope was going to participate. We went with umbrellas’. I left Joy with my husband. Then, I attempted to paint until I worked. I volunteered for an extra shift. I left for work. I almost cried that day because I couldn’t go to the cemeteries. We also had a set back that the drapes were too big for the cellar. We are dividing the room using drapes. It ends up a shower curtain was the right size for the project. I found the perfect one at the right price today. Mom’s cemetery is a good hour’s drive. The children are buried about a half hour from my house. I spent a lot good time talking with the girls and the flowers were planted at both cemeteries. Mom’s grave is so well decorated. My sister has been there. Hope, my daughter found a plant named Nana, so that’s the one we left. At the children’s cemetery. Again no else planted anything. I have been thinking of saying something. This anger has been building for years. The problem is I stuff my anger and blow up. I am not sure if it should continue to go unspoken. Today was a mixed bag. Joy, the baby, had her physical. 20 1/2 ounces and 28 inches. I am tired of being the “invisible” child. I also had my power cord to my phone die. I was planning to get some work from home done and the computer program won’t run on my computer. I also had a wonderful day of running errands with the girls. We had fun. When is school out again? That person and I are having good conversations tonight. It was a reflecting point for us.

It bothers me we are the only ones to visit. My children are not invisible. They deserve more. I do too! I am thinking of saying something, but carefully. Why alienate people?


Venting Abit: Mental Health Break: 6th Anniversary of Cancer Did not Go As Planned

I loved this person so much. I waited for a number of years for our big day. About 3 years ago, something happened. I realized he was loosing his hearing. I reached out and reached out. I was called every evil name in the book. Worst of all, I learned he was complaining openly about me to others. That’s when the mistrust began. I was already shut off to the wall due to infertility. So, I shut him off too. I stop asking to go out to diner, because he refused to confront his mother about helping out more. We started just exchanging money on our all our important dates.

I grew tired of arguing, I stopped cleaning the house. This wonderful relationship turned into us becoming room mates. I reached out to an old therapist, who told me she thought he was autistic and not loosing his hearing. I was told you don’t meet his needs. He doesn’t meet yours. I held that secret for years that conversation. Last year, he has hearing tested. Oh my… I was right. He had to have a head MRI. I was ready to no show. In the 11th hour, it bother me not to be there. So I went. The MRI was fine. He lost his hearing and He went a few times to cancer appointments with me. I was strong and I held up.

My head was filled with happiness on Thursday nigh! It’s been 6 years you have been out of cancer treatment. Every year, we do something to reaffirm our family around the anniversaries of the deaths of our daughters. Thursday night, I was so happy. Tomorrow is that big anniversary! I thought. I went back to smoking last March after quitting for a year and half due to my birthday. I develop a plan to quit again. Today is day 2 and I am smoke free. I didn’t want to cook diner on my anniversary of my diagnosis. This month, I have treated myself to a Reiki class and brought a new trampoline to jog on. The cats used the last one as a scratch pad. Slowly, we have been trying to repair the damage to our relationship.

I kept the thoughts of my anniversary to myself. Thursday night, I was so happy. I crying as I type this. I said to him and my daughter tomorrow is the anniversary of my diagnosis, I will take you out to eat. He did not respond the same, “why do you feel we should celebrate this?” My happy little cloud crashed. My feelings were hurt. Are you serious? After an hour of arguing, I realized it was a mistake to tell them. So I made a excuse about the dog and told him to just get take out food. We had a cupcake and take out. My feelings were really crashed. When I was 25, I got my first house. I was extremely house proud. Then, the miscarriages and cancer came. I got so tired about fighting about chores. My day off was always about chores. I stopped. I put my meditation tape on and said screw it after chemo. Then Joy was about to be born and I saw the house for what it was. Poor child cost a million dollars to be born into a shack. Really Ellen is this what you want? I kept saying I will fix this. I feel the house proud piece of me coming back. Last weekend, I got ill because I hadn’t slept in days. I am worried that I married into an emotional neglectful relationship. Years ago, I went to a support group. It’s clear to me now, I need to go back. I would die if my girls grew up and found someone to repeat this pattern. As for him, I hope for the best. We made this mess out of our relationship, it is slowly getting better. I gave up on the in-laws years ago. I finally talked him into hiring a babysitter. Sunday, I am joining a different support group for daughters who lost their moms. Next year, I will asked them to go out to eat no explanations. I quit smoking yesterday, when it is a few weeks, I will tell them. He has a habit if we argue to tell me to go back to smoking. Right now, I am on a good path to quitting. As for my trampoline, it’s been months since I jogged. He forgot to place the order, so I took care it. I need to depend on me more. Note to self.

Six Years As A Breast Cancer Survivor: Life Filled With Happy Craziness

In the course of a year, multiple disasters hit the family in 2009 to 2010.  We have spent years trying to get back on course.  It’s all happy craziness this year.  Finally this year, I had to reschedule my mammogram because I had just given birth.  Joy, our rainbow daughter  has finally came into our lives after 8 years of infertility treatment.  Another accomplishment is we welcomed our family dog Buddy Brian into our lives, we always wanted a dog.  I kept putting it off due to infertility/ cancer treatment and bills.

At points it has been crazy, to was not a smooth transition back to work.  We have been putting off projects around the house due to medical bills from cancer treatment and infertility treatment.  We ran out of room in the house just setting up the nursery.  The constant tripping over stuff is getting to me.  Life keeps happening the wash machine broke, our old oven died at 69 years old and the plywood on the bathroom floor needed to be replaced.  In two months, we have been working hard to replace the floors by dealing with contactors, reorganized the basement for the family room, I started a new job and I  worked a lot of extra hours to leave my old job.  There has been multiple delays on the replacement of the kitchen and bathroom floors.  We started this in February.  I am hoping it is done this week.  It’s a small house.  The kitchen furniture in the living room is driving me nuts.  Plywood is on both floors.  I want the floors already.   Finally, it is happening, I am reaching my goals.  So, I am physically and mentally tired.  I have been not sleeping to get stuff done.   I have gratitude for what I have today.  Next weekend, we are going to a show that was on my bucket list for a delayed Mother’s Day getaway.  I am also treating myself to a Reiki workshop to celebrate being a 6 years breast cancer survivor.

Our vacation in April was spent on the house.  I am hoping to get the house done by the first week of July.  There was slight mold on the old plywood in the bathroom.  I plan to wipe down every room as a precaution.  Multiple floods in the basement means I need to repaint the floor.  Little by little, we will get there.  I am a bit drained by all this hard work.  I am looking forward to a weekend off next weekend

The effects of mom having breast cancer is still here, but we are getting there.  Hope, my oldest daughter is in puberty.  She refuses to let me buy her a bra or to discuss the matter.  She was only 5 years old when I had breast cancer, so I am wondering if there is a connection.

Hope is growing and growing.  I spoke to my husband.  She goes to a public school in another town.  She is outgrowing after school care.  There is not public transportation to our city.  Our city is on the top 100 violent city list.  Last Memorial Day weekend, shoots were fired on our street.  No one was injured or killed but I don’t want to live here anymore.  All kids deserve to be safe.  I feel like I worry about my kids a lot more here.  We are going to hopefully try to sell the house and move.  Sixth grade is elementary school for Hope, but the following year is middle school.  I am hoping we reach all our goals.


After Infertility Treatment: Mother’s Day Gratitude List

I am liking my new job.  Last week it was really tough, my old job let me leave without acknowledging my work without a card even.  I gave them extra to put things in order.  Today, I was thinking of the women fighting infertility, fighting chronic illness, those with the first Mother’s Day without mom, those facing the first mother’s day after infant loss.  I am working hard to remodel the house.  After a flooring contractor strung us along and wasted our time, a friend is going to do our floors.  I guess the contractors have been putting us on the bottom of the list because we are a “small job.” I am working this Sunday.  Next week, I am going out with the family to watch a dance.  It was on my bucket list.  I am also doing a Reiki workshop as a Breast Cancer Survivor gift to myself.  I have had some tough times with a relationship lately and I need this gift to myself.  Last year, I tried to go to eat and it didn’t go so well.  So I am doing something else! I wrote my gratitude list.

My Mother’s Day Gratitude List:
1. I am grateful to have learned how to be strong and what courage is from my mother.
2. Thank you for the love, the guidance and grace of my mother. When I was a teen, I thought she was a pain always needing to know where I am going. Thank you for saying no to me, when I didn’t want to hear it. She inspired me to go to college and get a career. I am 40ish going on 16 and boy do I get it now!
3. I feel thankful for each one of my babies, who called me mom. No matter how long I had them. Each of them left a print of their souls forever on mine. Those who can not see their beauty of their lives are blinded to not see mine as well.  My babies are apart of me.  I am a part of them.   I am who I am forever because of all of you.  My broken parts are where our family prevailed. It is the strongest places.  
4. I am grateful to have finally been able to end my infertility battle with a happy ending. Not everyone has the chance.
5. I am free from a 1/2 hour of meds in the AM and PM. I am free from the constraints of constant cycles and testing. I am done with coordinating treatment out of state.  Always wondering when do I fly out.  Will it work?  What to tell the boss!  Gone are tears in the dark, because I wasn’t always allow to express my grief or disappointment. The only traffic I am fighting is to get to my new job.
6. I am grateful to not need to fly out anywhere!
7. My heart is grateful for the sleepless nights of finding missing items or a baby that needs to be feed. For many years, I woke up with tears of emptiness and despair of another failed cycle or another loss. I love watching Hope dance and grow. I love watching Joy try hard because she wants to crawl. I love the wonder they have in their eyes.
8. I am grateful to have two healthy beautiful girls at home named Hope and Joy.
9. Thank you for being able to celebrate 6 years as a young breast cancer surivivor.
10. After all those degrees and letters after my name, being an M,O,M is the hardest I ever earned. It’s the best piece of me.