We are behind quite a bit in the schedule of the spring/cleaning and renovations of the house. It’s been weeks now and I am ready to go out of my head. It all started Sunday morning. A friend was suppose to come and help me, but he couldn’t do to being sick. It’s tough doing this work because it’s stressful to began with. Joy is so young. I try to wake up early or stay up late. It hasn’t work. Sunday morning, I woke up very early after going to bed around Cinderella hour. I was on a mission to get things done. So, I had a major argument with someone about responsibilities and chores. Just arguing. It’s one of those dumb fights that happen over something stupid. I was late to meet with the women about grieving your mom. Later, I could not reach him by cell phone and panic that the worst had happened. It’s an old thought connected to many losses.
I was 13 years old when my mother was hit by a car and missing for 3 1/2 hours. I had been left alone and I didn’t know what to do. Late in the night, I was told. She suffered multiple disabilities due to that accident. My mom and I had a Friday night ritual, when my bio father worked. We didn’t have a car. We would go out to eat, then food shop. She was hit crossing the street for the grocery store. For years, I had guilt that I should have been there. I was at a Halloween party that night. For years, I thought if I was there I could have pushed her out of the way of the car. My mother also fell multiple times. I was the one to find her dead. Also remember I am a bereaved parent. You don’t answer your phone or I can’t contact you, I am panicking. Both girls were with this person too. So I text the activity leader and I was relieved to learn everyone left okay. Five minutes later, I reached the person.
I am actually now as an adult realizing I was thirteen years old and I was a kid at a Halloween Party. It was an accident. The disabilities contributed to my mother’s death. I love meeting the group of bereaved daughters. I am struggling to quit smoking, so many lost their mom to cancer. I can control what I can control and quitting smoking is one of them.
Memorial Day was a gift in a way. I had a very tight schedule planned for myself. It poured. I wasn’t going to the children’s graves or mom’s grave. Joy was sick. So the Memorial Service for Vets was rain or shine. Hope was going to participate. We went with umbrellas’. I left Joy with my husband. Then, I attempted to paint until I worked. I volunteered for an extra shift. I left for work. I almost cried that day because I couldn’t go to the cemeteries. We also had a set back that the drapes were too big for the cellar. We are dividing the room using drapes. It ends up a shower curtain was the right size for the project. I found the perfect one at the right price today. Mom’s cemetery is a good hour’s drive. The children are buried about a half hour from my house. I spent a lot good time talking with the girls and the flowers were planted at both cemeteries. Mom’s grave is so well decorated. My sister has been there. Hope, my daughter found a plant named Nana, so that’s the one we left. At the children’s cemetery. Again no else planted anything. I have been thinking of saying something. This anger has been building for years. The problem is I stuff my anger and blow up. I am not sure if it should continue to go unspoken. Today was a mixed bag. Joy, the baby, had her physical. 20 1/2 ounces and 28 inches. I am tired of being the “invisible” child. I also had my power cord to my phone die. I was planning to get some work from home done and the computer program won’t run on my computer. I also had a wonderful day of running errands with the girls. We had fun. When is school out again? That person and I are having good conversations tonight. It was a reflecting point for us.
It bothers me we are the only ones to visit. My children are not invisible. They deserve more. I do too! I am thinking of saying something, but carefully. Why alienate people?