Monthly Archives: June 2015

This Weekend Was The Worst:

As a mother, I know each stageof your child’s development has a particular theme.  Even through my living child has cried about the death our daughter Addison who was born still, she is adjusting to another baby is coming.  Some days, she is the sweetest girl to this baby.  Other days, you see the jealously brewing.  When you tell her that, she denies it up and down.  The past few years, we have been struggling with organization.  Hope, is a straight A student in 4th grade.   The teachers tell me organization is not a problem at school.   She will tell you her plans of attending Harvard as a commuter.  Seriously, I miss it when she use to tell me how she is going to a state university a few towns over.  Now she is Harvard bound.  Considering she is 9 years old, we just encourage whatever the dream school is.

Anyways, this year, she has repeatedly lost a lot of items for the comp teams and dance school in general.  The most expensive losses are her shoes.  She did this last year, but we found them.  This year, the shoes were never found.  First it was the tap shoes.  A month later a Jazz shoe went missing.  Since she saves her allowance, I told her.  She would need to pay for the replacement Jazz shoes.  We don’t know if I am carrying a boy or girl baby.  The C-Section is a week before school starts.  So, I have been putting items for her to start school away.  The shoe store had this great sale so I stock up on all the shoes.  Problem was someone was not happy that she needed to repay for her shoes.  It’s recital weekend.  She can’t go on stage without shoes.

Last week was tough, I worked six days the week before.  I worked an odd schedule to just stay home with Hope for the few days between school and summer camp.  My asthma kicked in last week.  I was having coughing asthma attacks at 1 or 3 something early in the morning.  Every time you use the rescue inhaler, it speeds up your system.  It makes it so hard to sleep.  The doctors did decide to put me back on daily medicine per my request.  This pregnancy is different.  I need the 8 hours every night even through I am third trimester.  It takes time for the daily meds to be effective.  Finally, I was catching up on sleep.  Hope and I were running errands for past two days.  The second day, she started with her temper tantrums.  Friday night, I fell asleep without getting her rehearsal stuff together.  Hope was able to get me up.  My husband and I have been arguing over the car insurance and his decision to keep the insurance agent even through they mistreated me.   The issue is for the past 5 years since I had breast cancer and the carrier test was read that he does not back me up at all.  Before this, we were in therapy etc…In the past few years, I was fighting with him to get his hearing tested.  It is the constant disregard for me why we are not close.  His parents decided to choose his sister over me years ago because I was suffering with recurrent pregnancy losses.  His sister gave birth no issue to 3 children.  My mother was dying and I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  I was told by them that they would not help.  It was a scary time in my life.  We made it through.  The kicker of the disagreement between us was when his sister gave birth while I was in cancer treatment to a baby named Madison, our daughter Addison had died the year before.  That’s when we did not speak on a weekly basis anymore.  Gradually, my husband and I became distant.  For a pregnant woman it has been over 2 years since we have touched each other.

Lately, I have been feeling bad for the baby who is coming.  When Hope was born, my mother was right there.  My husband and I were close.  My in-laws and I were talking daily.  So, I was half awake Friday night and said something to him.  My daughter hates cleaning her room so she is complaining the entire time.  Then the whole bag of last year’s art at camp is falling from her closet.  Again, I begging him to let’s get on a deeper level. It’s tough talking to him because he has lost his hearing.   We use to have a physical, mental and spiritual connection.  Communication is only about parenting and house work.  Every time I tell him, he accuses me of just being hurtful.  I do not have a lot of family, so I have been going to meditation classes an hour’s drive to increase my contact with the spiritual side.

I am crying writing this.  You ready because this is going to hurt.  I think I fell out of love with him at some point.  It’s like sharing your last name with a housemate.  It feels like a legal arrangement more than a genuine marriage.  In July, it will be 16 years we have been married.  In the past 2 years, I started to check his cell phone to see if he is cheating.  I see myself 5 years ago in active cancer treatment.  It is so hard because I am so lonely.  I didn’t sleep well Friday night.  I woke up and he brought me a coffee.  I refused to drink it.  I got dress and went to the gym, which is strange for me.  Hope starts texting me about rehearsal.  I come home.  At rehearsal, I am showing her how to put her belongings away so things do not get lost.  I was scheduled to work at the hospital Saturday because the kid job is drying up.  Hope is not really following what I am showing her.  I am running late for work and I still have to feed her.  Hope tells me something because she doesn’t know better.  She told me her father called grandmother (my mother in law) to complain about me.  She is 9 years old so trust me that she doesn’t know better.  I want to cry hard.  It was a tough weekend to see my in-laws.  I was already stressed.  Then she tells me that dad said something about me being moody due to pregnancy.  I have a poker face on.  I tell her I will keep these things a secret.  After I dropped her off, I am crying very hard.  I went out of my way for this man to have a good Father’s Day.  Things were very busy, so I volunteered to stay late.  I didn’t want to see him.  He tells me that  everything is ready for recital.  I don’t want to sit near my in-laws or him at recital.  I am over tired and very upset.  I have been reading about getting a divorce at times, because that is where I think we are headed.  I am sorry I waited so long to tell people.  I honestly thought this was a phase and we would get over it.  My mother-in-law is a germ phobic person, so I start to fake I am sick to my stomach.  I called my Aunt crying.

I get home very late.  So, I decided to double check her stuff for recital.  Those new jazz shoes gone.  Accessories gone.  He gives me a one liner and goes to bed.  Hope is crying, because she didn’t pick it up.  I am emailing the dance school owner late Saturday night.  Here I am listening to him sleep and all I want to do is sleep.  I am trying to figure out how to make these accessories.  I thought this through and this was her life lesson not mine.  Hope was at a pool party and I am finding Girl Scout badges all over the floor, because she just put them on the futon.  I think I got her to sleep at 2AM.  At 6AM, she wakes me up because she is so anxious.  The card I brought for her was plastic wrapped and in the wrong selection under congrats.  It was a birthday card.  I got dress and headed out to the gym.  I told my husband that someone needed to be with my daughter the whole recital to make sure she didn’t loose anymore shoes.  Then, I told him that I was so tired that I needed to sleep and I wasn’t going out to eat.

I am driving her to recital and she is crying.  I am telling her sometimes in life we don’t have everything we need but we need to do the best we can with what we have.   Lucky for Hope, I had put her shoes and accessories in a baggie with her name on it.  She left it behind on the table and a parent returned it to us.   I totally sat somewhere else during recital by myself.  I was so tired, I couldn’t get up to watch her change.  I didn’t care.  Once again she is throwing everything in a huge pile not putting stuff away.  I went to the changing area and got her to make sure she saw her grandparents during intermission.  My in-laws said nothing to me.  Finally, they all left for diner and I went home.  I couldn’t sleep.  Hope comes into the house screaming, I was awake anyways.  Later that night is like I never said anything to him.

So, my wedding anniversary is coming.  As a cancer survivor, I am not sure I want to live like this.  I know my kids, friends and pets love me, but I want to have romantic love in my life too.  I am trying to reach him but he just says I am being mean all the time.  He doesn’t appear to have the same desire as me.  He is not getting the message at all.  Why should I buy him a card or a gift?  Housemates don’t celebrate the day they move in!  Why celebrate the legal arrangement day?   My aunt calls me, when I was half asleep last night to tell me not to divorce him and the reasons.  I didn’t answer her too much because everyone was home.


Remodeling My Life:

Someone has hurt my feelings so deeply, but this isn’t the first time.  The lines keeping getting crossed.  At one point it was tough, I was the twinkle in someone’s eye.  The flame died between us.  I am tired of the process of trying to rekindle it.  I accept what is.  It’s been years and the magic is gone.  It’s a daily process of routine.  As selfish as it seems, I wanted a baby more than anything, because I didn’t want my life to end with “she was trying to have a baby and she got breast cancer instead.” So, I was crying pretty hard this week.  The person I spoke with had one excuse after another.

The dangerous part of my life wasn’t I got cancer and no one supported me.  The dangerous part of my life was I got cancer, no one supported me and I learned to respect myself better.

This weekend is a big weekend.  My daughter works so hard all year in dance school for recital weekend.  My in-laws show up as if they are the king and queen of England.  They are here for ceremonial purposes only.   In the event of a major life crisis, they won’t be there.   So, I need to make small talk with them for 6 hours of my life.   I continually asked for help over and over during the hardest times of my life.   I use to cry but I stopped because I accept what is.   The answer was “no.”  These war wounds can be seen in our daughter’s face.  Once we were connected on a spiritual level.  Now we live as house mates forever united by the same last name.  My own unborn child, I cry for.  I had so much more when my daughter was born.   This child is going to born into a divided family.  If you are loved by one, you can be saved.  I plan to be that one.  Although, we hate each other’s guts, we love the children.

I have put so much of my own life on hold.  I see the holes now.  I see what needs to be done to make myself whole.  I deserve a job with a decent wage and benefits.  I deserve to feel loved.  I know my children and pets love me.  I also deserve to have my own adult friends.  I will watch my tongue this weekend after all that child worked so hard.  On the same token, I am so tired of hearing how happy my mother-in-law is.  She told me to only have one child.  She turned her back on me, I was left to cry about my own losses.  Now everything is working out, so she wants to be apart of it.  Skip them all, I worked so hard for me.  Eight years later, I gave up a lot.  I am a hard worker I will work through these other areas of my life.

Pregnancy Update & An Adult’s Perspective Of Living Without A Father.

I did go to see the OB GYN yesterday.  Remind me not to work and train for 6 days straight.  My brain is fried.  Monday, I caught another cold.  This time, it was a chest cold.  Monday and Tuesday were very intense with the training on a tough subject.  It was also a challenge to be at the training to navigate food and have gestational diabetes.  My co-workers brought doughnuts as a sweet gesture forgetting I am a gestational diabetic.  None of the bathroom stalls had locks.  I went 5 minutes earlier before the break to check my blood.  Someone just opened the door on me as I dabbing blood on the test stripe.  I struggled every morning this week to wake up.  A bunch of doctor appointments so even with extra work, I will be earning a lower paying pay check.  I only get paid, when services are provided.  There is no sick time.  When I cough, I have an accident.  It’s embarrassing.  My daughter Hope was official diagnosis with walking pneumonia.  My diagnosis was chest cold.  This is the 5th cold since April, but everyone insists that I am on enough calories.  I did talk about the preterm labor fear.   Since Hope was born full term, there are no tests to run.  I just need to watch.  It’s hard when you feel you have dropped the ball once.  I finally remembered why this was uncomfortable.  My mother-in-law is very old fashion.  I remember someone taught me how to change a tire.  My mother-in-law said that wasn’t woman’s work.  My grandmother was one of the first small airplane pilots in New England.  So, when we returned from New York City and Avery died in Boston a few days later.  She was angry with me.  Considering that I barely talk to her now… this baby will be born into a different family then the one Hope was born into.

There is no closeness.  The family operates on a co-parenting level like a divorced family without the divorce.  Next weekend, I will spend the entire dance recital with my in-laws and husband.  Something was lost since our last daughter died.  The connection within the family is surface level.  The spiritual component disappeared.  The family is united by a child.  My heart has never forgiven them for choosing their Thanksgiving plans during the death of my daughter, when I asked them to take my husband and Hope.  My heart has never forgiven them for when I asked for help during the breast cancer.  I respect they are his and her relatives.  That’s it.  I am not an evil woman.  So next week will be tough.  They show up for special events and not much more.  I will keep the peace, because I love my daughter.

So tomorrow is Father’s Day, we are not close nor have we been in years.  Tomorrow there is a massive rain storm coming.  NH was CANCELED!  Strangely, Hope and I woke up together today.  An hour later, a new plan was developed.  Hope will have time with her father.   My own father is a mystery in my life.   I was born a “surprise” 6 to 7 years after my brother and sister.  I was not allowed to get sick or to feel.  My mother silently encouraged us to go to “college and get a career.”  When I was 18 years old, I was the subject of one of his sick and twisted choices from my father to my mother.  Leave with me now and we will remain married.  Choose your daughter and your marriage is over.  My mother had true bravery after years of domestic violence.  She told him to leave.  In my struggles with infertility and family who abandon me, it felt like a double edge sword.  I was never loved by my father.  I couldn’t have the children that I wanted.  I spent my childhood life swearing things were going to be different.  Sadly, my daughter was born with a rare disease.  We had to make the choice of worst nightmares.  We had to choose to end life support.  So many times, I wanted to break my own restraining order to throw in his face that he missed the one day my daughter had lived.  So many times, I want to tell him how I would given my life to save hers.  The isolation of infertility and fighting a little known rare disease reminded me of my fight to make a future for myself as a child.  I saw the waiting rooms filled with people who wanted to be a parent so bad, but couldn’t.  This man had three beautiful children.  I was college bound, when he left.  For awhile, a piece of me was at peace.  Another piece wanted to scream no that’s my father.  My grades fell.  I was accepted to college as on academic probation standing.  I turned it around in a year even after being diagnosis with thyroid cancer.  I graduated with academic honors and I was accepted to grad school.  My daughter is so lucky to have my husband as a father.  He is lucky to have her.  There is a question that remains.  Everyone reports to me my father has died.  I felt I could not fight infertility and found out he died at the same time.  No matter what he has done, he will always be my dad.  Perhaps, after the baby is born, I will go to NH and look up his death record.  I am still not ready.

Third Trimester Hurdles: Someone Else’s Life Touched By Raredisease: Father’s Day: My Perspective

I have this unmarried person that I spoke to in passing about the weather and topics in our career path etc.   Our conversations never went pass surface level.  I did not globally announce my pregnancy in all circles, because fighting infertility for 8 years, I know these things hurt.  She recently picked up that I am growing.  I am have about 8 weeks before I go on leave.  She found out that I was pregnant.  All a sudden this person that I spoke to on a surface level shared she has had several family members fight rare disease, recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility.   We have been having some good conversations.  However, the rare disease both my children died from has extremely lower statistically survivor statistics from still birth until age one.

I think someday, we are going to learn our rare disease is more common.  Testing just moved to the US. It’s a lonely place sometimes for us.  We lost friends and family.  No one visits our children’s graves.  For ten years now, my in-laws do not even mention the anniversaries at all.  We are the only ones that plant flowers.  When I attempt to address these issues, I am labeled a “hostile person” by my in-laws.  Over the passing years, it feels safer to say nothing at all.  I was cried hard this week.  It’s been years we have sat down and really talked like we had a spiritual connection to one another.  They chose to get close the winners.  Her daughter and wife needed fertility treatment.  Three beautiful children.  They were in the middle of the worst divorce in history because someone cheated on someone.  Meanwhile, the other daughter-in-law  (me) did nothing but loose the babies repeated.  Of many of the issues and differences that I have with my siblings, I always stood by my spouse.  My siblings are gone from my life due to other reasons.

This is where I get caught.  The anger can build in me.  At this point in my life, I don’t think things are going to change at all.  So, I have my own rope and my plan is to save myself.  Last night, I was at another meditation/yoga class working on developing my spiritual self.  Somehow, when all them come in to see the baby, I have to cope.  Honestly, I was told by my in-laws to have one child, because after my living daughter was born there was a huge argument between my brother and sister.  There were a lot of immature behaviors between certain staff and my family.  I got rid of everyone of them.  Sadly, I lost a lot in the process including my nieces and nephew.  One of my nieces had a birthday.  The emptiness in my heart was opened.  I loved those kids.  My brother and sister always threatened me with them.  I am hoping someday, they will find me.  My sister allows me to send gifts.  My brother has been known to return things with nasty notes.  My sister sends gifts to my daughter about a month to two months late through our living aunt, which I have to drive to get.  I send gifts directly to the house.  My emotions are going this weekend, because it’s my niece’s birthday and I can’t see her.  I haven’t seen her since she was 5 years old.

My job is commission style with the kids and the pay gets lower and lower in the summer.  So, this year, I enrolled my daughter in summer camp for 6 weeks.  The cost of sending her to camp is not covered by my pay check.  I usually end up working a weekend day at my other job that I have had since my daughter was 5 months old.  The problem with a hospital style job was child care ends at 6PM.  It was a struggle to get out the door.

I met with the nutritionist a last time.  This time, I had all normal readings, because now I know what I am looking for.  The amount of doctor appointments are interfering with my work.  I am earning really low wages because they is no benefits at all.  The one weekday I have off the doctor is not available.  I am going to a training, which I loose a day off and a possible work day.  I need to fix this.  The flexibility has been great to get fertility treatment on the other side of the country, but it’s effecting my sense of self to be earning a low wage.

In difference to our problems, my husband is a great father to our daughter.   Technically we are married.  Although the family relationships with the in-laws function as if we are divorced.  My daughter’s dance recital is coming up and I need to make small conversations.  I keep trying to get him to work with me.  We are just not as close anymore.  I have allowed the relationship to into a functional housemate one.  This I honor he is a good father outside our differences.  My own biological father could not be left alone with any of us three kids due to violent outbursts.  My brother and sister cared for me while my mother worked.  I think it is the underlining fighting between us.  We plan to take my husband to NH next week, which is a tough place for me because it brings back memories of own father.

People see my living other daughter is turning 10 years old.  They remark how she is going to “take care of the baby.”  If you study sibling abuse, it is when a older sibling is repeatedly overwhelmed by caring for a younger sibling.  It’s not her job.  I wanted this baby.   I REFUSE TO ALLOW THE CYCLE OF SIBLING ABUSE TO HURT MY CHILDREN!  I have worked very hard to give them a different future.

It’s getting easier to adjust to the gestational diabetes.  I get it now.  I did have one day where I was so hungry that I screwed up.  I am not always the cook, so I thought he checked.  I ate corn on the cob without looking.  There is enough carbs in corn on the cob for an entire meal.  I didn’t know and just ate.  You have to look up everything.  You have to wait two hours to see your blood levels.  I had two high glucose level readings.  One of my diabetic friends went off on me for the mistake.  Potatoes I get.  Honestly, I didn’t know about corn and carbs.  I was overtired and hungry.  The night before was I was at my daughter’s concert.  The day afterwards all of us had to get up early for this appointment.  Every piece of food has an earning process.  Either do to a blood test or I have to look it up.  I think that’s why I resent this.  For years, I lived on fertility diet.  It feels like I am earning my food, which I get is a part of the process to controlling the gestational diabetes.  It’s been 3 weeks so I am going to make mistakes.  I am still very fearful of preterm labor, so far so good.  I think I want to talk about this more with my OB GYN.  At 31 weeks, my daughter was born and died a day after birth.  That anniversary is going be the same week the family go to PA for my daughter’s dance competition.  My daughter loves New York City.  I have had to sit her down and say, no to an overnight.  My first daughter’s last pregnancy trip was to New York.  It’s hard enough for me to go on this trip because I want to stay home in New England now that I am in the third trimester.  I know she loves the comp team at dance school and it is a few days.  I am willing to try it, because the cause  preterm labor was connected to my first daughter’s rare disease.

My Fear Of Preterm Labor and Visiting PA

Last year, my daughter Hope missed Disney World  with her summer camp so we could go to the West Coast for embryo donation.  Thankfully, the second embryo donation try worked.  Her dance competition team is going out to Pennsylvania for a few days to perform at an amusement park this summer.  It is right at that mark 31 weeks.  I have experienced multiple loss in pregnancy.  My first daughter was born with this horrible rare disease and due to her condition at 31 weeks, I went into preterm labor.  The year was 2004, my husband and I decided let’s go to New York City for a Valentine’s Day weekend get away.  Our daughter was not due until late April.  First problem, no one let me use the bathroom.  (Not even the hotel, we had because we arrived earlier. ) We arrived home and a few days later, I went into preterm labor in the early morning hours of Saturday.  My water broke.  Because we knew this could happen, my bags were always packed.  I had information and the ultra sound diagnosis.  My oldest sister had difficulty with preterm labor, which is not connected to the reason I went into labor.   I knew enough to go to the local hospital instead of trying to drive to Boston.   All my doctors were in Boston.  We only live a few blocks from the local hospital.  Even with preterm labor treatment from the local hospital, I arrived to Boston hospital ready to give birth.  After our first daughter passed on, I blamed myself for not catching the warning signs of her preterm labor.

My living daughter Hope ironically was a full term, beautiful and healthy baby.  I had all these precautions put into place for her to watch out  for preterm labor.  Well, Hope showed no interest in coming out.  We scheduled another C-section.  She was born at 39 weeks 5 days.  I will never forget the delivery nurse telling me as we were getting ready to go to the OR that I had my first contraction.  My other sadness is I am a brunette and my husband is a dirty blonde.  Our first daughter was born a brunette.  Hope was such a blonde, she looked bald.  She looked bald at age one.

My husband and I were talking about stopping over in New York City during the travel days.  I am anxious to not stay over night there, because almost 12 years later, it’s a painful memory of her death.   We may visit but not stay over night, when we go to PA this summer.   As a matter of fact, I was so anxious about losing Hope during pregnancy.  Our big trip was an overnight to Boston during our anniversary.

I still get anxious this pregnancy.  I am so delighted to be done with the second trimester.  One day the baby is vigorous and kicking me (my ribs.) Friday, I turned fearfully because the baby was quiet.  Hope had those days as well.  I would make myself a glass of sugar water for those days.  Yesterday, I cried a little.  I began to push on the uterus a little.  Thankfully, someone kicked back. (We still don’t know if it is a boy or a girl at this point.)  Last week, my anxiety was sky high.  I kept getting these very high readings.  Now, I know after meeting with the nutritionist about the carbs and gestational diabetes.  My numbers have been lower and within the normal range.  The other day, I put the pool at our gym on reservation for Hope’s birthday.   I am still cautious about her birthday due to knowing preterm labor can come at any point.   (She is an August baby.  My other baby is due in August.)  I miss the old way I ate, but I know many would love to be in my shoes and pregnant.  We are adjusting the diet still.  There are aspects of summer, I am going to miss like the ice cream shop and eating birthday cake with Hope.  My mind remembers preterm labor and loosing my other babies.  I hope this one arrives safely.

It Never Quite Goes Away…

Not all of us, who experience recurrent pregnancy loss get an answer.  Many times, I thought our family would never have an answer.  My husband and I reflected that at our moment of death perhaps God would whisper the answer to us.  The testing for the rare disease our children died was available in the US.  When our first daughter died, her blood needed to be flown to another country to be tested.  Lately, I am following people somewhere in the cycle of donor conception either through considering it or waiting after acceptance into a program.  I wanted to write a blog about the reasons we choose embryo donation.  Sadly, yesterday one of the few with the information that our baby was conceived embryo donation made an immature comment that wasn’t even funny.  It was crude about sperm donation and it should not have been said.

I have been extremely anxious about watching the numbers of my sugars.  After five different losses, I worry about the health of our baby anyways.    It is not usual for me to face having a gun going off in my neighborhood.  Usually, my daughter Hope is very healthy.  For three weeks, she has had a loud cough and a headache.  The doctors think it is allergies, but allergy medications aren’t touching it.  After watching my first daughter die a day after birth, my anxiety spikes with Hope, when illness goes on and on.  My anxiety appears to double around my cancer anniversary too.  The combination of the crisis of our city facing shootings and illegal gun procession, the water crisis and everything else just got to me.

The baby is doing well.  It goes after kicking my rib cage every now and then.    So, I went to all the doctor appointments Tuesday.  All the stress came out.  I am not by any means a trained nutritionist.  I have been fighting high cholesterol for years.  I have been pregnant seven times.  Three losses in the second trimester.  I only had the glucose test for gestational diabetes only once.  I had to come back and I was screened out for having gestational diabetes.  So, I volunteered for this pregnancy in nutrition study of my own free will.  This is the first time, I was diagnosis with gestational diabetes.  I knew how to use the machine, but for weeks, I waited to see a nutritionist due to the holiday.  I had spikes and I took guesses how to treat them.  After loosing 5 pregnancies, I was upset at times the way my concerns were address.  I am really considering quitting the nutrition study.  It is getting to be too much.  As much I am grateful for this pregnancy….  I had plans for the summer.  There are things I enjoy with my daughter such as going out for ice cream/yogurt, making breakfast every Sunday morning and baking cupcakes.  I see now the world is not designed for the diabetics.

People on Tuesday made comments to me.  First, they have no idea how I have fought infertility, rare disease, breast cancer and pregnancy loss for years.  Telling me that I made bad uneducated food choices is one thing.  When  someone joking about it that I was trying to throw my baby out in a way, it was not funny.  There was a huge lack of flexibility at times dealing with me.   All you have followed me know, we had to save and plan for the embryo donation on the West Coast.  This little one represents years of struggles.  I was so angry and hurt.  I locked myself out at the mall and forgot where I parked.  I cried a lot on Tuesday.  Tuesday, I woke up at 3AM due to being over heated because I wore my jacket to bed.  My daughter had a growing pain.  I struggled to sleep, because I was hungry.  My first test in morning is fasting.  At 4 something, I just took the test.  It wasn’t a true test.  The number was high for a fasting test, but I got to eat.  I peeled my eyes open and went to work.  Last night, I feel asleep right after diner.  No one is trying to “throw this baby out.”  I am going forward now.  I am not tolerating being spoken to like that anymore.  Last night, I should have taken Hope back to the walk-in clinic.  I hate the glucose spikes.  If I did, we would have had to eat out, I just brought her new meds.  We got to eat home.  The heavy cold rain, knocked the pollen off.  Her headache is gone.  The cough remains.

The Fifth Anniversary of Cancer Surivivorship: Did Not Go Well: Rechanneling The Engery

My meditation teacher gave me good advice since I was getting so upset that about my breast cancer anniversary not being recognized.  My birth family is great at making me feel small.  So instead of being mad, I made my own plans to celebrate in a nice family restaurant.  Last Wednesday, I started to get a cold.  Thursday, I received a phone call from the OB GYN telling me I had gestational diabetes.  I am trying to learn to use the electronic glucose machine.  I got a number on the first try.  I had no guidelines at all.  By Friday, the cold intensified even more.  I was diagnosis with adult asthma after breast cancer treatment.  I hadn’t needed the rescue inhaler for close to a year and a half.  I was trying to make it, but finally the asthma attack was too great.

I felt like I was drowning all last Friday.   I left the test stripes home to run the glucose machine.  The OB GYN office finally called.  I finally understood how often to test and what to look for.  Honestly, I would have called out sick, but I have no benefits with either job.  It felt like I was holding my breath to speak.  Finally, I get to go out to eat with my family.  I am already not feeling well.  Neither my husband or child was particular empathic that night.  We began to argue.  All I wanted was to have diner with my family.  It was feeling  just like the way it  I was treated when I went through cancer treatment.  I ended up crying in the bathroom.  We went home and I couldn’t get the glucose meter work for 13 test stripes.  It was one error message after another.  Finally, I got the thing to work.  Saturday, I was home because the office closes on holidays.  I decided on self care and send them both on errands.

The next day, I get slightly high sugar readings.  I page the doctor.  I was told to just continue to monitor the levels.   That night, I thought I heard teens on the street playing with fireworks.  I couldn’t sleep afterwards.  The weekend is starting to get better and the cold is getting better.  Monday afternoon, I hear my husband talking to who I thought was a higher up with in the police department.  So, I go to the door and ask about the noise last night.  I was told they put someone into custody for fooling around with a gun.  So, I started asking a lot of questions.  When the door closed, I learned it was the mayor of our city who came to the door.  I was embarrassed.  The house is a mess because we are cleaning things in the basement.  I just gave the third degree to the mayor of our city.

My living daughter could not sleep since learning what happened on the street.  I could not sleep either.  She had this headache all week that wouldn’t go away.  It ends up the shootings over Memorial Day Weekend wasn’t the only disaster for our city.  There was a boil water order before drinking it due to a water main break, it has since been lifted.  I decided to go out and get a haircut. I took my daughter to the doctor’s Thursday.  It’s her allergies. The headaches continue so I need take her to the doctor’s again.  As a bereaved mother my child being sick is a high stressor for me.  Over the years, I have a way of secretly being anxious.  We are going to talk to the dentist today to make sure it is not the new retainer.

Every day, we take for granted clean drinking water, when so many people in world don’t have any.  My family drinks only Spring water anyways.  We didn’t want to do the dishes if there was a question about bacteria in the water.  Every time, I went out to eat.  I got slightly high glucose readings.  I do not eat like other people to start with. I asked to be apart of this nutritional study as a volunteer.   Today, I saw people eating large subs for lunch.  I don’t eat like that.  It gets to me, I try and try hard.  I am the one with the cholesterol problem and now gestational diabetes because one blood  level  was too high by 5 points.  Most of this blog was written last Friday night.  I stopped typing around here and my glucose level was very high 260.  I paged the doctor.  I was panicking due to worrying about the baby.  I must have dropped my wallet and my pill case, while looking for my cell phone.  When the doctor called he was not the nicest person, so I gave it back.

Saturday was a mess, I discovered my wallet missing driving to work.   I had to turn around and go home.  I got information about a personal wellness seminar over this weekend.  I decided this was my gift to myself.   So, I have decided that could help me in my guidance in my spiritual journey.  So I decided to sign up for it.  Later, I realized my pill case with my thyroid pills and baby aspirin was missing.  This frightens me because one of the late miscarriage had blood clots.  My husband had to drive my pills  to me.  So, I missed a bunch of work.  I had to stay to get stuff done, because Tuesday, I am with the OB GYN all day with appointments to address this gestational diabetes.   I missed the first conference I sign up for.  I did sign up for a parenting conference, but I was so upset about missing the meditation conference.  I decided to go to something else on energy and healing.  This woman talks about being and working with cancer patients.   I spoke with her.  She is Stage 4 cancer patient with a teen age son.  I was talking about my infertility.  She told me her son was embryo donation.  It was like the entire day and all the frustrations made sense.  Because I was late, I met this woman.  Both of our children, my baby I am carrying was conceived through embryo donation.

My energy is stuck in the anger for the death of my last daughter, the treatment of having breast cancer and the death of my mother.  I keep asking myself why this energy is blocked.  I felt like I needed to keep marching on no matter what.  Lately, I am working on not holding in my sense of isolation but expressing it.  This baby is coming. I don’t want my daughter taken care of.  Because of the environment, I grew up in, I am very cautious to see no one is forgotten.  I am going to be honest with you.  I lash out sometimes.  I think the meaning of the anger is for me to tell people my truth. I need to be careful because when the gates open, they open.