As a mother, I know each stageof your child’s development has a particular theme. Even through my living child has cried about the death our daughter Addison who was born still, she is adjusting to another baby is coming. Some days, she is the sweetest girl to this baby. Other days, you see the jealously brewing. When you tell her that, she denies it up and down. The past few years, we have been struggling with organization. Hope, is a straight A student in 4th grade. The teachers tell me organization is not a problem at school. She will tell you her plans of attending Harvard as a commuter. Seriously, I miss it when she use to tell me how she is going to a state university a few towns over. Now she is Harvard bound. Considering she is 9 years old, we just encourage whatever the dream school is.
Anyways, this year, she has repeatedly lost a lot of items for the comp teams and dance school in general. The most expensive losses are her shoes. She did this last year, but we found them. This year, the shoes were never found. First it was the tap shoes. A month later a Jazz shoe went missing. Since she saves her allowance, I told her. She would need to pay for the replacement Jazz shoes. We don’t know if I am carrying a boy or girl baby. The C-Section is a week before school starts. So, I have been putting items for her to start school away. The shoe store had this great sale so I stock up on all the shoes. Problem was someone was not happy that she needed to repay for her shoes. It’s recital weekend. She can’t go on stage without shoes.
Last week was tough, I worked six days the week before. I worked an odd schedule to just stay home with Hope for the few days between school and summer camp. My asthma kicked in last week. I was having coughing asthma attacks at 1 or 3 something early in the morning. Every time you use the rescue inhaler, it speeds up your system. It makes it so hard to sleep. The doctors did decide to put me back on daily medicine per my request. This pregnancy is different. I need the 8 hours every night even through I am third trimester. It takes time for the daily meds to be effective. Finally, I was catching up on sleep. Hope and I were running errands for past two days. The second day, she started with her temper tantrums. Friday night, I fell asleep without getting her rehearsal stuff together. Hope was able to get me up. My husband and I have been arguing over the car insurance and his decision to keep the insurance agent even through they mistreated me. The issue is for the past 5 years since I had breast cancer and the carrier test was read that he does not back me up at all. Before this, we were in therapy etc…In the past few years, I was fighting with him to get his hearing tested. It is the constant disregard for me why we are not close. His parents decided to choose his sister over me years ago because I was suffering with recurrent pregnancy losses. His sister gave birth no issue to 3 children. My mother was dying and I was diagnosis with breast cancer. I was told by them that they would not help. It was a scary time in my life. We made it through. The kicker of the disagreement between us was when his sister gave birth while I was in cancer treatment to a baby named Madison, our daughter Addison had died the year before. That’s when we did not speak on a weekly basis anymore. Gradually, my husband and I became distant. For a pregnant woman it has been over 2 years since we have touched each other.
Lately, I have been feeling bad for the baby who is coming. When Hope was born, my mother was right there. My husband and I were close. My in-laws and I were talking daily. So, I was half awake Friday night and said something to him. My daughter hates cleaning her room so she is complaining the entire time. Then the whole bag of last year’s art at camp is falling from her closet. Again, I begging him to let’s get on a deeper level. It’s tough talking to him because he has lost his hearing. We use to have a physical, mental and spiritual connection. Communication is only about parenting and house work. Every time I tell him, he accuses me of just being hurtful. I do not have a lot of family, so I have been going to meditation classes an hour’s drive to increase my contact with the spiritual side.
I am crying writing this. You ready because this is going to hurt. I think I fell out of love with him at some point. It’s like sharing your last name with a housemate. It feels like a legal arrangement more than a genuine marriage. In July, it will be 16 years we have been married. In the past 2 years, I started to check his cell phone to see if he is cheating. I see myself 5 years ago in active cancer treatment. It is so hard because I am so lonely. I didn’t sleep well Friday night. I woke up and he brought me a coffee. I refused to drink it. I got dress and went to the gym, which is strange for me. Hope starts texting me about rehearsal. I come home. At rehearsal, I am showing her how to put her belongings away so things do not get lost. I was scheduled to work at the hospital Saturday because the kid job is drying up. Hope is not really following what I am showing her. I am running late for work and I still have to feed her. Hope tells me something because she doesn’t know better. She told me her father called grandmother (my mother in law) to complain about me. She is 9 years old so trust me that she doesn’t know better. I want to cry hard. It was a tough weekend to see my in-laws. I was already stressed. Then she tells me that dad said something about me being moody due to pregnancy. I have a poker face on. I tell her I will keep these things a secret. After I dropped her off, I am crying very hard. I went out of my way for this man to have a good Father’s Day. Things were very busy, so I volunteered to stay late. I didn’t want to see him. He tells me that everything is ready for recital. I don’t want to sit near my in-laws or him at recital. I am over tired and very upset. I have been reading about getting a divorce at times, because that is where I think we are headed. I am sorry I waited so long to tell people. I honestly thought this was a phase and we would get over it. My mother-in-law is a germ phobic person, so I start to fake I am sick to my stomach. I called my Aunt crying.
I get home very late. So, I decided to double check her stuff for recital. Those new jazz shoes gone. Accessories gone. He gives me a one liner and goes to bed. Hope is crying, because she didn’t pick it up. I am emailing the dance school owner late Saturday night. Here I am listening to him sleep and all I want to do is sleep. I am trying to figure out how to make these accessories. I thought this through and this was her life lesson not mine. Hope was at a pool party and I am finding Girl Scout badges all over the floor, because she just put them on the futon. I think I got her to sleep at 2AM. At 6AM, she wakes me up because she is so anxious. The card I brought for her was plastic wrapped and in the wrong selection under congrats. It was a birthday card. I got dress and headed out to the gym. I told my husband that someone needed to be with my daughter the whole recital to make sure she didn’t loose anymore shoes. Then, I told him that I was so tired that I needed to sleep and I wasn’t going out to eat.
I am driving her to recital and she is crying. I am telling her sometimes in life we don’t have everything we need but we need to do the best we can with what we have. Lucky for Hope, I had put her shoes and accessories in a baggie with her name on it. She left it behind on the table and a parent returned it to us. I totally sat somewhere else during recital by myself. I was so tired, I couldn’t get up to watch her change. I didn’t care. Once again she is throwing everything in a huge pile not putting stuff away. I went to the changing area and got her to make sure she saw her grandparents during intermission. My in-laws said nothing to me. Finally, they all left for diner and I went home. I couldn’t sleep. Hope comes into the house screaming, I was awake anyways. Later that night is like I never said anything to him.
So, my wedding anniversary is coming. As a cancer survivor, I am not sure I want to live like this. I know my kids, friends and pets love me, but I want to have romantic love in my life too. I am trying to reach him but he just says I am being mean all the time. He doesn’t appear to have the same desire as me. He is not getting the message at all. Why should I buy him a card or a gift? Housemates don’t celebrate the day they move in! Why celebrate the legal arrangement day? My aunt calls me, when I was half asleep last night to tell me not to divorce him and the reasons. I didn’t answer her too much because everyone was home.