It’s been a crazy month of me working 6 days a week sometimes around my oldest daughter Hope’s activity schedule. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. The last Christmas light went up and I uttered a judgmental thought to myself, “like wait until Christmas Eve.” Last week, I worked 6 days to get Christmas Eve and Christmas off. I was profoundly mentally drained and I couldn’t get out of my own way. I am married, but my inlaws went their own way a few years ago. It was strange there for a long time. They felt I should…. just be happy with this one child. They uttered to me that I seemed “overwhelmed at one.” This occurred when I hired a bunch of inappropriate people to care for Hope, who had an axe to grind with my brother. I did not know what my brother or my sister had done, but the people I hired took it out on me. Yes, damn it I was overwhelmed. I thought I hired people, who would care for my precious Hope, who was born after our first Avery died. I had no idea what a mess of revenge I got myself caught into. I had really hard time trusting anyone anymore. It took years to fix it. Anyways, we failed at delivering a another baby. My sister-in-law was having one every year. My mother had dementia. I was told that I could have one day a week. When his sister had kids, they gave her 7 days per week. All this is old news.
I began to separate. Years past, it became apparent Hope was being hurt by the division as if I divorced. So this year, I past the olive branch again. I invited them over for lunch on Christmas Eve. It’s not that I am hoping to get close again. My mother-in-law has a non-cancerous tumor in her brain. I am pretty sure it effects her personality now. I came home after working 6 days straight to find the house trashed. I was brunt already. Saying something does nothing. Lately, I have been working towards removing personal responsibility. Example: Why is it always the woman’s problem? Example, I no longer become this fire breathing monster. I simply say now this is a reflection of you and not me. After all, you didn’t know we were having guests? Last year, when the mold was discovered in my house we had a health issue. For months, I took care of the baby during the day and worked all night cleaning. I slept for a few hours to drive the oldest to school. We are talking about painting the interior. I am clear with someone. Look mold one thing, but don’t expect this all the time. I have struggle with insomnia. My OB GYN told me the length of my cycles are being influence by stress and sleep deprivation. We didn’t have money for a cleaning company. It was done room by room by me. All I learned was never again.
Friday, I got the stomach flu with chills. I barely made it through work. My husband got let out early so he got the kids. It was a struggle to walk the dog. My body wanted to sleep so bad. I slept from 5PM to 4AM on Christmas Eve. The fever was still there. I took an Advil and I did the best I could. At the end not everything got done. We didn’t tell my inlaws because they are germphobic. We did not tell them that I was sick. Financial I said look, you know these are hard times during the year for us. Let’s be proactive instead of spending it up and going dry. Time to save for the holidays all year long. Every August our daughters will have birthdays. Put money aside instead playing catch up.
It was a nice time. Hope went into high gear to help no fights. We put the dog in the cellar. The dog barks a lot, except when in the cellar. My mother-in-law lost a portion of her hearing due to that non-cancerous tumor. My father-in-law asks about the dog where about and walks into the cellar without asking. He didn’t say it to me, but he says to my husband, “you need a dumpster to get rid of the stuff down there. My husband tells me this. I say to him that I think it is odd to go into someone’s cellar without asking. I pointed out I wouldn’t do that to my mother.
Maybe, I sound cold. I am tired of having a major stroke about this house, when visitors come. Surely, I solely responsible? I don’t drink beer so I am to be responsible for the beer cans all over the floor. It’s a new way of thinking. Don’t want to listen to me. Let it be a reflection on you. We have a relator coming Friday to assess the value of the house. It’s not clear if we can afford to move. I am not breaking into a sweat for the house to look perfect. I am not the only one living here.
I drove home one night writing this beautiful letter in my head about why to come home to someone. I was going to write it. Buy a special gift and give it to him on Christmas. I thought it over. How many times do you need to beg? The division amongst us was like a slow leaking damn. No one gave a damn until the damn broke. Everyone saw it coming, but decided not to stop it. It happened slowly until the damn broke. Where to go now?
Remember previous holidays, one Christmas, I had a miscarriage and a D&E two days before Christmas. Another one, our daughter had just been born still a week before Thanksgiving. One Christmas in cancer treatment. It was the first one without mom. Years pasting, where are you baby? Will I never get pregnant again? Will it always be the would’ve(s) and could’ve(s). It been stressful watching the damn break. It stressful because of what I want doesn’t quite match the right way and needs of the children. The aftermath is good and bad days. I am no longer taking sole responsibility because I am female. I am spending this vacation with my girls. I am not saying I am healed completely. I would not give anything to return to those previous holidays. I will continue with my meditation classes and seeking outside friendships. May I say the biggest improvement of the year is the house is no longer a shack. I hope we continue to grow and heal as a family. I am going to work on going to be on time. My OB GYN is having tests. Hopefully, things go back to normal.