Monthly Archives: December 2016

Drawing Boundaries: Happy Holidays

It’s been a crazy month of me working 6 days a week sometimes around my oldest daughter Hope’s activity schedule.  Yesterday was Christmas Eve.  The last Christmas light went up and I uttered a judgmental thought to myself, “like wait until Christmas Eve.” Last week, I worked 6 days to get Christmas Eve and Christmas off.  I was profoundly mentally drained and I couldn’t get out of my own way.   I am married, but my inlaws went their own way a few years ago.  It was strange there for a long time.  They felt I should….  just be happy with this one child.  They uttered to me that I seemed “overwhelmed at one.”  This occurred when I hired a bunch of inappropriate people to care for Hope, who had an axe to grind with my brother.  I did not know what my brother or my sister had done, but the people I hired took it out on me.  Yes, damn it I was overwhelmed.  I thought I hired people, who would care for my precious Hope, who was born after our first Avery died.  I had no idea what a mess of revenge I got myself caught into.  I had really hard time trusting anyone anymore.   It took years to fix it.  Anyways, we failed at delivering a another baby.  My sister-in-law was having one every year.  My mother had dementia.  I was told that I could have one day a week.  When his sister had kids, they gave her 7 days per week.  All this is old news.

I began to separate.  Years past, it became apparent Hope was being hurt by the division as if I divorced.  So this year, I past the olive branch again.  I invited them over for lunch on Christmas Eve. It’s not that I am hoping to get close again.  My mother-in-law has a non-cancerous tumor in her brain.  I am pretty sure it effects her personality now.    I came home after working 6 days straight to find the house trashed.  I was brunt already.  Saying something does nothing.  Lately, I have been working towards removing personal responsibility.  Example: Why is it always the woman’s problem?  Example, I no longer become this fire breathing monster.  I simply say now this is a reflection of you and not me.  After all, you didn’t know we were having guests?  Last year, when the mold was discovered in my house we had a health issue.  For months, I took care of the baby during the day and worked all night cleaning.  I slept for a few hours to drive the oldest to school.  We are talking about painting the interior.  I am clear with someone.  Look mold one thing, but don’t expect this all the time.  I have struggle with insomnia.  My OB GYN told me the length of my cycles are being influence by stress and sleep deprivation.  We didn’t have money for a cleaning company.  It was done room by room by me.  All I learned was never again.

Friday, I got the stomach flu with chills.  I barely made it through work.  My husband got let out early so he got the kids.  It was a struggle to walk the dog.  My body wanted to sleep so bad.  I slept from 5PM to 4AM on Christmas Eve.  The fever was still there.  I took an Advil and I did the best I could.  At the end not everything got done.  We didn’t tell my inlaws because they are germphobic. We did not tell them that I was sick.  Financial I said look, you know these are hard times during the year for us.  Let’s be proactive instead of spending it up and going dry.  Time to save for the holidays all year long.  Every August our daughters will have birthdays.  Put money aside instead playing catch up.

It was a nice time.  Hope went into high gear to help no fights.  We put the dog in the cellar.    The dog barks a lot, except when in the cellar.  My mother-in-law lost a portion of her hearing due to that non-cancerous tumor.  My father-in-law asks about the dog where about and walks into the cellar without asking.  He didn’t say it to me, but he says to my husband, “you need a dumpster to get rid of the stuff down there.  My husband tells me this.  I say to him that I think it is odd to go into someone’s cellar without asking.  I pointed out I wouldn’t do that to my mother.

Maybe, I sound cold.  I am tired of having a major stroke about this house, when visitors come.  Surely, I solely responsible?  I don’t drink beer so I am to be responsible for the beer cans all over the floor.  It’s a new way of thinking.  Don’t want to listen to me.  Let it be a reflection on you.  We have a relator coming Friday to assess the value of the house.  It’s not clear if we can afford to move.  I am not breaking into a sweat for the house to look perfect.  I am not the only one living here.

I drove home one night writing this beautiful letter in my head about why to come home to someone.  I was going to write it.  Buy a special gift and give it to him on Christmas.  I thought it over.  How many times do you need to beg?  The division amongst us was like a slow leaking damn.  No one gave a damn until the damn broke.  Everyone saw it coming, but decided not to stop it.  It happened slowly until the damn broke.  Where to go now?

Remember previous holidays, one Christmas, I had a miscarriage and a D&E two days before Christmas.  Another one, our daughter had just been born still a week before Thanksgiving.  One Christmas in cancer treatment.  It was the first one without mom.  Years pasting, where are you baby?  Will I never get pregnant again?  Will it always be the would’ve(s) and could’ve(s).  It been stressful watching the damn break.  It stressful because of what I want doesn’t quite match the right way and needs of the children.  The aftermath is good and bad days.  I am no longer taking sole responsibility because I am female.  I am spending this vacation with my girls.  I am not saying I am healed completely.  I would not give anything to return to those previous holidays.  I will continue with my meditation classes and seeking outside friendships.  May I say the biggest improvement of the year is the house is no longer a shack.  I hope we continue to grow and heal as a family.  I am going to work on going to be on time.  My OB GYN is having tests.  Hopefully, things go back to normal.

 

 

When Your Christmas Train Only Works In Reverse!

Last weekend was a bit of emotional roller coaster.  My oldest had her Christmas performance and she was marching in the parade.  I had to work odd hours again to get the weekend off for her activities.  My daughter has belonged to an organization that I did as a child and my mother as well.  She has just gone further than us.  There were some issues with the other girls, who choose not to talk to her.  I was behind in Christmas decorations etc…  My daughter Hope doesn’t like much sports.  They decided to have a Christmas party at an ice skating rink.  I even volunteered to help this organization.  The other girls would not talk to her.  Here I am freaking out about Christmas decorations.  Hope told me, “I don’t want to go there anymore.”

My first response was a screaming match with her.  You know when you are wrong.  I texted the leader.  She doesn’t want to belong with the organization anymore.  Hopeful, Hope would be happy with this message, but she cried for a while.  I remind her with that organization you can just have a membership and earn awards at home.  You do not need to belong to the local units.  She dried her eyes.  She is just not athletic.  I wasn’t either.  The girls are very heavy into sports.  Problem resolved right?

Welcome to Puberty 101.  Mom, that was too easy.  So she starts with, “I don’t like Sunday School.” At this point, I am thinking life is easy dealing with a toddler instead.  Forget this puberty stuff.  Where’s my magic wand? Hope become a toddler again. We are massively late for church.  The director is running an activity.  I let the director know Hope was having a bit of a morning.  I drop Joy off at the nursery at church and there is a lot of little ones.  It hits during church that Hope belongs to a community volunteer club at the school.  She has barely done any volunteer work.  So, I decide to talk to the director and Hope.  Guess who will be helping in the nursery.

I start blaming myself.  It was when Hope was so young, I decided to disconnect from the world.  I hid the miscarriages and infertility treatment.  I rarely talk with anyone in the face to face world about what it is like for this family to find out you are the first documented ones carrying a rare disease that causes your children to die shortly after birth.  I am not going to say we are all fixed.  I wouldn’t quite say we are still at complete devastation.  We are healing.  I am struggling to find a path honoring my bereavement and still feel connection with society.  I decided after Joy was born that I need people.  Some are not coming back.  I have noticed telling people that I am sorry for being distant in my quest for another child does work for some.  I was so overwhelmed that I never intended to teach Hope to disconnect.

This brings me to the title of the blog. I spent numerous hours trying to make one of the two train sets work.  One only won’t derail in reverse.  The story of my life…  Well, we are going somewhere in reverse.  The house was a real shack when Joy was born.  I lived and breathed to be pregnant.  It’s not completed.  Does a house ever get completed?  The contactor has to come back for shutters and the awning.  I am trying to keep up.  The relator was suppose to come this week.  Unfortunately the stomach bug struck us.  Hope needed to go to the doctor, because it was 16 hours later and I was concerned about dehydration with her.  She was out of school a few days.  One was my day off.  My husband worked from home.  He threw up too.  I crossed my fingers and put myself and my toddler daughter on probiotics.  So far so good… Either of us have been sick.

I was sitting in reflection of the sadness, isolation and despair we have felt.  I think of it like this.  I can never undo the wrong that was done to me.  I have a choice.  I can choose to be the healing lite for others.  I can choose to treat others with the compassion that I deserved in my pain.  Hopefully, we can continue to heal and become who are intended to be.  I am the light for rare disease and breast cancer.  I can become the complete opposite of what those who do not care for me say…  That is my path.  Honor the memory of the babies I carried.  Honor my battles.  Raise our daughters into beautiful young women with wisdom.    Hopeful if there is a heaven, our angels will smile on our lives and decisions.