Monthly Archives: March 2015

My Reason For The Rule: No Followers in Social Media That Are Family or Known In The Face To Face World

The pregnancy announcement did go well.  Midway into the morning of the announcement, I found myself tagged by my cousin in the strangest wall post ever.  It went from a leaking ceiling to her “pumpkin pie having a temperature.” I looked this over and said, “oh my, someone has hacked her account.”  So, I sent her a message.  I got a return message she will never congratulate me until the baby is in my hands.  Basically the rest of the message was to confirm she did this crazy message to just show me a day in her life.  Another words to make me feel bad.  For eight years, I have buried three babies and I undergone how many fertility treatments.  I had to leave my home and go all the way to the West Coast for embryo donation.  I really want to just close the account now.  It was my one day to shine in my life.  My daughter fights me because it is all the mothers of her friends are on there.  She is right.  They are not the problem.   I wear a mask every day.  I hide the pain of loosing two children due to rare disease and the scars of fertility treatments.   Yet, we have talked about this before here.  I am a conquering heroine for having survived breast cancer.  I always swear the grief, isolation and stress of loosing two children to rare disease caused the breast cancer.  It was ironically over my heart.

This week is a big pregnancy milestone for me.  This is that Level 2 ultra sound.  I am terrified of the test.   I had 4 of these ultra sounds.  Three, I left with bad news.   I get through every mammogram so hopefully I will make through this.  Today, I cried a lot, because my nerves are on edge.  I learned the doctor has to read the report for me.  So again that is sitting through this medical tests and hoping everything is normal.  I am using self care here.  I am shutting people off as I need to.

As for that account, I feel like I am repeatedly put down to where I was as a small child.  It was bad emotional abuse growing up.  Just one day cousin, I wanted to shine.  So, last night I said my good byes.  I posted an email address.  I am considering closing it completely down.

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Pregnancy Announcement & Hurdles

Overall, the pregnancy announcement on social media to family and friends went well.  Something amazing happened on that social media posting.   I usually get one or two comments.  That posting had twenty-five comments.  All of sudden, all you show up?  I don’t mean to be cynical, but where were you?  It’s been a tough five years.  Only one person is messaging me and there is a tone of an attitude brewing in the messages.  This was big for me.  I was told by many relatives after my first daughter died from a rare disease with multiple birth defects that I was not allowed to cry. I am not seeing any of that.  Sometimes, I get asked so are you finding out if it is a boy or a girl?  The other question is, are you going back to work.

I am not annoyed with them.  These are normal questions for women without my experiences.  If I get to the point of maternity leave and considering going back to work, I will kiss the ground.  My brain works 24 hours a day at staying positive in this pregnancy.

Recently, my husband and I started a conversation about what needs to happen in the house for the nursery to be completed.  Many years ago, we started a nursery for our daughter Addison, who was born still.  All these years like my uterus the room sat waiting quietly.   The room is decorated in clouds, moons and stars for a growing baby.  Our daughter never came home.  It became the play room/computer room.  The room has been waiting for our next move in our family.   I struggle wondering if I should take it all down.

The next question was about are we learning if the baby was a boy or a girl. I feel divided about by that.  There was an error about them telling us the gender of our first daughter.  For weeks, we were told it was a “boy.” I can’t stand the question.  Honestly, it brings back the memory.  Later, I reflected that I wished the baby was healthy.  After 12 years of being a parent of a baby, who died from rare disease, I only want to know the baby is healthy.  It feels like a luxury to me to go into an ultra sound wondering about what gender.  Please be healthy…

Recently, I can see advantages of knowing before birth as my cellar is filled with girl clothing and toys.  All this stuff was waiting for a little one.   I am not sure if we will change our minds.  The next hurdle for this pregnancy is happening next Friday.  Next Friday is the level 2 anatomy scan ultra sound at 18 weeks.  Out of seven pregnancies, I only got to go to a level two ultra soun four times.  Two showed the babies had multiple birth defects due to a rare disease.  One showed a normal child, my daughter Hope.  Another showed baby had died without me knowing.  The baby had died two weeks earlier.  This was my son Haven.  We have many theories for the reason he died.  No exact reasons.  I swore up and down to the doctors that I felt the baby moving yesterday.  They suspected he had really died a week and half earlier than the ultra sound.  Everything was going so right.  Quietly he died.  Years later, I had to gather medical records to go to a new fertility clinic.  When I read the report, I wanted to scream.  It concluded there may have been a twin at some point in that pregnancy.   I had not known that at all.   I found myself grieving this beautiful son that I could not hold.  Silently he left and I swore to the doctors, I felt the baby yesterday.  It was also the turning point.  My sister-in-law was due at the same time.  I think my family grew tired of all the losses.  I was left.

People don’t understand why I am anxious about this Level 2 ultra sound.  All these experiences with recurrent pregnancy loss awoken me to the possibility of birth defects and death.  How do you shut off something you are awoken to?  My husband says he is going.  All the ultra sounds  at my current doctor seem to be read days later.  So, I hope the results are read quickly to me.  Also, I made an error.  It’s just my daughter, husband and me.  I made brunch arrangements for next week for Easter.  Later, I realized we hadn’t been there since my daughter died.  I hope I am not jinxing myself. Hopefully these are all just fears without reality.

The Second Trimester and Promises

When do you graduate from being infertile after recurrent pregnancy loss?  Most of my losses occurred in the second trimester.  My brain has struggled a little lately.  One baby died 13 weeks and another at 16 weeks.   My last daughter died at 21 weeks of pregnancy.   I want to rent a droppler, but my husband read something about them and he doesn’t want to.  The babies silently died without me knowing.  Wednesday, I will be 17 weeks.  Even through I lost a baby a day after birth, I am going to celebrate being “DONE” with the second trimester, when it happens.

A friend told me something about the other social media account without me saying it.  She said to me yesterday, your family seems very cold and without a clue of what you have been through.  After hearing that I feel okay about closing that account.   My family is big and extensive on my mother’s side.  They are not all bad.  Some are more pursuant than others.  Some believe it is their way or the highway.  My brother and sister never call or email.  We have a strange form of communication.  An extended family member relays the message.  You can’t call them directly.  They will swear at me and slam the phone on my ear.  I continue to pray that one day we will see one another before our deaths.  My father refused to work.  My mother had to work.  There were no afterschool programs in the eighties like today.  I was left in the care of my older brother and sister.  Both are 6 to 7 years older.  My mother said I was a surprise baby.

Here we are almost 41 years later.  They were suppose to meet me during my cancer treatment.  They did not show.  It had been 2 years at that point since I saw them.  Unexpectantly my mother died from natural causes.  I found her dead, I had the police go and tell them.  I had lost all my hair at the point.  The three of us were in a car, I said nothing.  Not one of them offered me a hug.  They were talking about what to do with her stuff.  I finally just left.  The police originally were going to make me wait.  I went to an officer and said, ” I feel I can drive myself home.”   I drove home speaking to friends on my cell phone’s speaker phone.

I look at my daughter.  I was saved by a lot of kind people and Alateen.  I have been reflecting on this eight years journey to have a baby.  When my daughter was one year old, I wanted another child.  I kept loosing the pregnancies.  At one point, we couldn’t get pregnant for 18 months.  The other day, she was running around making the baby a book .  People have said to me, “she will be old enough to help you!”  This is not what I have in mind.  Hope, my daughter’s job, is to be a kid.

Even Hope some days says, “I could watch the baby.”  All I hear is NO, NO and NO!  I am promising both children the freedom to be children.  I don’t know the reason, my brother and sister hate me.  I keep praying someday we will be together.  I feel they resent me, because they were told to take care of me growing up.  I tried so hard to have my children close in age.  Infertility didn’t allow it.

We were talking about vacations.  The snow is still here in New England.  When my daughter was younger, we never left the New England border.  As I have said in other blogs, my father is supposedly died, but I have no hard evidence he is dead.  I choose not to peruse this because it takes a lot out of all of us to go through infertility treatment.  At the time of the announcement, I had one cycle left with my own eggs.  I was working with the program out on the West Coast to be accepted.  He lived in NH.  It was hard on me, when Hope was young to vacation down the street from him.

We originally were talking about VT for vacation, but the temptation to go see if he was okay would have been too great.  That was part of the reason, I decided to go down the East Coast more.  Plus, I have seen enough of the snow banks.  Hopefully, the baby arrives safely.  I am not ready to hear he died after all he did to me.  Maybe afterwards, I will go to NH and see if I can obtain a death certificate.  My cousins have told me that my siblings know I am pregnant.  My 80 years old Aunt told the family to pray for me during the threaten miscarriage.  She is 80.  I am not correcting her.  My siblings showed up at the hospital uninvited when my daughter Hope was born.  They pulled aside doctors at the hospital telling them that I was mentally ill because I wouldn’t stop talking about my daughter, who died a year before.  I going to arrange a tour of the new hospital I  choose.  I don’t want them there.  It hurts already, why make it worst?  I can’t change where I am from for my children.  I can only promise and do better for them!

The Pregnancy Announcement Wake Up Call: I Needed That

Friday night, I had a wonderful time.  It came to my attention how negative I feel about pregnancy.  As a teen, my mother was always fearing that I would get pregnant like my cousins and quit school.  When I was pregnant with my first daughter and married, I began to feel guilty because I felt like I failed her and got pregnant.  Some of my family members held me personally responsible, when our first daughter died.  When I was pregnant with my daughter Hope, my sister said to me, “now I don’t want to hear you crying if you miscarry.  After all, we don’t want genetically inferior babies in the world.”  For months I would not speak to my sister, who was also pregnant at the time.  Years later, her daughter has multiple learning disabilities both of them.  I am not happy about this at all.  As a child, we taught not to jinx ourselves.  I had a lot of learning disabilities myself growing up.  A few relatives confused my learning disabilities with mental retardation.  In difference to these challenges, I went to college and grad school.  I work with children, people in recovery and I love what I do.  In their moment of harsh judgments about me, they inspired me to a new level.

Friday night, I saw a problem area.  I am due in September.   Goals and dreams for the summer were mentioned.  All of sudden, I don’t know how tell people, I am pregnant.  All these mix feelings about pregnancy came out in the following message, “I am due in September.”  It was unclear.  What’s due in September?  I think what message I got the most out of is, we are adults now.  I do know how to get my needs met.

I have been so angry about the way I was treated by my family during the cancer.  They are who they are.  I started one of my social media accounts on this thought.  No matter how much I want a cactus to become a cute fluffy teddy bear, it won’t.  So, if I keep hugging a cactus and complaining because I am getting pricked than I am the one who needs her head exam.

Let’s apply this to the birth announcement next Saturday.  It was eight years of losses.  There were 5 different pregnancy losses.  There were so many failed IUI’s, I loose count.  There were 5 failed IVF cycles with my own eggs.  One failed embryo donation cycle.  I worked so hard.   I will be damned if anyone is going to turn my pregnancy into a cheap talk show.   I have grown a lot since my daughter’s Hope’s birth.  People were treating me disrespectfully and openly since the maternity ward when my living daughter was born.  My gut told me to stand up for yourself and the baby.  Come on Ellen, stand up!  Because I wanted the love and approval of everyone, I didn’t.  My soul was crying and begging for me to do something.  When my daughter was 6 months old, I stood up for us.  Now, it is 10 years later, I am 10 years wiser.  I know right from wrong.  I am not going to care what anyone says.  I am standing up for my children and myself.  My first daughter’s death had nothing to do with any of them.  In their sick twisted minds, it was about them and their agendas.  If there are a lot of problems with relatives on a particular account after the baby announcement, than I am closing the account.  These are people with a serious drama addiction, who can’t see it.  I was saved as a teen ager thanks to Alateen.  I deserve the happy maternity ward experience.  Years of hard work went into this.

Those are my thoughts after the seminar on Friday night.  I think new people are going to come into my life.  I am just waiting for them to come.  I did see something last night that reminded me of my life before my first daughter died.  I was the “life of the party.”  After her death, I changed.  Hiding my truth is wrong because I am the only one injured.  Taking a deep breath, I am not scared to tell my bosses.  I was frightened on how other people will react.  Today, I am ready to kick them all out.  I am opening door of my life to who wants to come back or meet me for the first time.  I am done begging for someone’s affections.  Next Saturday is my birthday, I will celebrate it in a way that seems right to me.   I took the day off.  The day afterwards, I will work at the hospital, which is always fun.

Speaking My Truth

(Note: This was originally written at 3AM.  I woke up at 1AM and I couldn’t sleep.  Our internet is down at the house for unknown reasons.  I struggled to find a way to save this. I am trying to retype it on my cell phone. ) First time in my adult life, I am covering for myself.  I told someone that I am going out with friends, but I am going out to a seminar on speaking my truth in relationships.  Some thing happened the year I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  I was waiting for people to show up.  A few did, but not my “family”.  Five years later almost, the anger remains.  Pieces of who I was died.  Horrible truths were revealed.  I discovered that I was alone.  I pleaded with people for help.  I went to the two ministers of my church.  Please help me, I think there is no God.  They never called.  My brother and sister divided up my mother’s belongings soon after her death.  Instead of our family becoming stronger, we went our separate ways.    Her burial was so sad.  My brother would not burry her in an urn.   I felt her ashes were thrown about.  Her wishes were made under her dementia condition.  She would not have wanted her burial like that in the right frame of mind.  My brother screamed at me that I was “medically incompetent” a few days after her death.  I had just started a new round of chemotherapy .  I was sick with the side effects.  I was in shock about finding her dead from natural causes.  I had to return to work. Every place that I went seeking help, I wanted a hug and to be swaddled like a small child.  Lucky for me, I have the love of my daughter and my pets.  In my isolation and loneliness, I decided to shut down to the world.  More than anything, I wanted a baby. I am pregnant and I keep myself positive.  I know my family thinks this is my problem.  My pregnancy  is like walking a plank without safe guards.  There are no safety nets to catch me if I fall.  There is no back up.  If I lose this pregnancy no one will show up.  If I deliver a heathy baby than everyone will show up.  I finally achieved my goal to get pregnant. I am terrified of the announcement and telling my family.  Someone is going to say something DUMB.  I am worried these people are going to just show up at the hospital and destroy my birth experience with their agendas.  So, I barely talk to people in my life anymore in the face to face world.  People got tired of hearing about it 8 years of trying to have a baby.

I am up at 3AM filled with guilt.  I am going to a seminar on speaking my truth.  Ironically, I lied about going out with friends.  So much of my energy went into getting fertility treatment.   It’s time to rebuild all of my life.   It feels like the offical relationships are for ceremonial purposes.  I want real relationshis.  Maybe, I should not feel guilty, because I trying to rebuild.  I am looking for help.  It’s about creation not destruction!

The Second Type of Pregnancy Announcement

Neither my husband or child like the format of the last pregnancy announcement.  This was the original one, which is based off the gratitude list style on Facebook.  I guess I should ever be so glad for social media that weeks in advance we type these things up and ponder them.  I miss the old days in so many ways even through I struggle with the announcement in front of church.

I do plan to tell my friend Mary earlier than the rest.  I called her Friday and friends were over.  Today, I am fighting a cold.  She has cancer and they are not treating it due to her age.  I told her from a safe distance to give me a call.

My gratitude list:

1. After 12+ IUIs, 7 IVF cycles, multiple types of pregnancy losses & Breast Cancer treatments (8 years total) I am pregnant again.
2. I am grateful to all the doctors in 3 different states for working with our family to help us reached our dreams.
3. I started this quest to have children since age 28 years old. Finally, I am grateful at 41 years old, they need to schedule a C-section for a happy reason.
4. Grateful for everyone who prayed or listened especially due to the during threatened miscarriage in past January.
5. Grateful to Hope, who gave up a trip to Disney World last summer so we could travel to get the help we needed.
6. Grateful for Ken for switching jobs so we could afford this as well as other things.
7. Grateful to have good ultra sound reports.

These pictures were taken on Feb. 19th. I was twelve weeks pregnant at the time of this ultra sound. The baby is due 9/1/15. The C section will be scheduled within a week of the actual due date. This one loves to play with a leg in the ultra sounds. Please note whatever the comment is on this post here goes in the baby book.

State Exams: The OB GYN Appointment and Anxiety About The Pregnancy Announcement

I had a good doctor’s appointment.  We reviewed the ultra sound results of the ovarian cyst.  Slowly, it is disappearing.  The doctor got the baby’s heart beat the second the dropper was placed.  I began to cry.  We are almost there.  So many times in my life, they could not find a heart beat. Later, I would be told that the baby had died and I was having a late miscarriage.  I have been pregnant 7 times, three losses ended in the second trimester 13 weeks, 18 weeks and 21 weeks.  We talked about me renting a dropper.  It’s like a safety blanket for me.  I am not going to use it every day and every second.  Some days those negative thoughts come out and it feels like the baby quietly died again.   I will be renting one this week.  My retroverted  uterus has corrected itself without causing any problem with the bladder.

As for my living daughter Hope, the sun was shinning all over New England.  Time to complete those summer camp applications.  I do not make enough money to have two children in childcare.  It is looking like I may have to find a new job, find a way to work the weekends or think of something.  Some days, we were almost 60 degrees.  The family has lived with a driveway that floods for 15 years.  We kept putting it off due to fertility expenses.  I am so tired of climbing over to the passenger side to hopeful not get my feet wet because it hadn’t flooded on the other side.  We are getting our taxes back and that is priority on the list for repairs.

Next week is the start of the state exams.  Our state had it’s own test on paper.  It was recently decided the students should take a test approved by several other states instead.  The schools had to buy tablets for the kids to take the test on line.  Not every child in our state has access to a computer at home.  Some kids are not as computer efficient.  Then, there is just technology problems. I am hoping her anxiety about the state exams is not this bad very year.  Last year, it was her first time.  This year, they are switching to a new test.  My daughter Hope is aware she is very lucky to have been chosen to go to school in the next town over by lottery instead of the city’s schools.  Some days, that 9 years old goes out of her way to make sure doing her academic best for that town.    Her anxiety is decreasing.

Our new goal is to pay off the fertility bills.  We are hoping to move to that the town before the baby enters kindergarten.  If we had to stay in the city, this baby would have a higher priority in the lottery system since sister Hope already attends the school system.For years, we kept the house in the city to have the money for fertility treatment.  It was meant as a starter home, not for life.

We also decided to go to Washington DC again for the family vacation in April.  We learned a tough lesson last year about driving.  This year, we are not driving there.  I made the reservations yesterday.

We are two weeks before my birthday, when it was decided we should announce the pregnancy.  It was not plan that way, when I announced my daughter.  It happened the ultra sound was on Good Friday that year.  My birthday was on Easter Sunday.  We didn’t use social media much in 2005.  My idea of announcing the pregnancy was lighting a candle at church and saying it quickly.  I don’t like standing in front of the church.

Here is a sneak preview of the announcement for social media. Some of my relatives are harsh, I am worried about them saying something to embarrass me.   I plan to tell my bosses first.

My Good morning! On March 28th 2005, I announced at age 31 years old that I was pregnant with Hope. Today, we are connecting the rainbows, children born after loss. It is a great honor and pleasure this morning to tell you with tears of joy that age 41, I am 17 weeks pregnant again after 8 long years of my life. I am ever grateful to all the doctors who work so hard with us in 3 different states to bring this little one into our lives! The baby is due on September 1, 2015. The C-section will be scheduled sometime within a week before the due date, which means sometime late August. This is a picture of Joy or Will. The names were chosen 8 years ago, when we decided to have another child around Hope’s first birthday. Unfortunately, the following happened to our family in one year 2009 to 2010 to our family our daughter Addison died from a rare disease, I was diagnosis with breast cancer and my mother died. We are so happy to celebrate the birth of this little one five years after everything went wrong to our family! These are ultra sound was taken on Feb 19th, when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I am grateful for those of you who prayed or reached out to me especially in January, when I was being treated for a threatened miscarriage. The doctors are monitoring an ovarian cyst on the right side, which does not seem to present a problem right now. Please be mindful all comments will be put in a baby book from this wall status. Let’s focus on welcoming the new little one home!

Thought Provoking Day At Church/Life In General

A few times in the past few, I had that thought, “something went wrong with the pregnancy.” Since I have been pregnant 7 times, 5 pregnancies ended in loss, these thoughts come from my fears.  February/March is a hard time of year for me.  Our first daughter died in February.  My own birthday has become a hard time of year for me.  I feel the anger and the sadness of my brother and sister not being here for me.  We live 20 minutes away from one another.  (One year in my life, my daughter was born still. I lost my job.  I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  Beloved pets died and my mother died about 5 years ago.)  I feel anger and sadness that more people did not come and help.  My co-workers from the hospital became a surrogate extended family during this hard time of my life.

One of my friends suffered from infertility.  He had no living children just miscarriages.  He always stopped by to see how I was doing during my cancer treatment.  Last year, he was unemployed. Another fertility cycle failed.  He relapsed after being in recover for years.  Under the influence, he decided to end his life in March just 14 days before my birthday.  Prior to learning of his death, I tried to contact him to tell him about the embryo donation program.  Last year, I learned my last cycle with my own eggs failed in early March.  I had spent a year looking into egg donation programs, when I discovered the embryo donation program on the West Coast.  We need the embryo donation program more.  Neither my husband or I could genetically parent another baby.

I have met many people in my day.  I know people from 30 to 84 years old, who have been touched by infertility.  Today at church having a lot of thought provoking moments with others.  First, since my mother died, I feel my heart and my soul is mourning my relationship with my birth/in-laws family every birthday.  There are many reasons we are close, which I have touched on during various times.  I celebrate my birthday with my husband and child, but please I am done with this.  My church posts every birthday.  Every March, they celebrate something called, “Everyone’s Birthday.”  This year, I requested the date to be removed from the directory.  Of course, my daughter’s Sunday School Teacher asks is my daughter and my family coming.  It just so happens to be the anniversary my friend got drunk and decided to kill himself.  I pulled her aside and said I wasn’t going and here is the reason.  She tells me that I need to make new memories of the day.  I don’t feel I am there yet.

Here is thought provoking conversation number 2.  My friend at church, who is 84 years old has had multiple pregnancy losses.  She told me in those days if they saw the baby was going to die, you were not allowed to touch or hold the baby.  The baby died in another room without family.  She divorced and remarried.  She had one baby was born alive and healthy.  The doctors did not see there was a family history of Penicillin Allergy.  The baby was given Penicillin and died due to an allergic reaction.  She was diagnosis with cancer numerous times in her life and she made it.  Sadly, two of her stepdaughters died of cancer when I was in treatment.  About two years ago, they discovered she had cancer again, but they decided not to treat it.  The way it worked a long time ago was if you couldn’t get pregnant the option was to adopt.  Donor conception is a rather newer treatment option  that wasn’t available to her.    I decided to keep it quiet.  She asked about my trips to the West Coast.  I am not sure if when we do choose to announce my pregnancy if we will ever tell people about the exact nature of the trips.  Mary told me she is having a hard time coming to terms that she will not get better.  This is from a woman with many losses.   I finally just told her I had some health issues and the doctors on the West Coast helped me out.  I don’t want her to worry about me.  She is going to die at some point.

I left church in tears between the two conversations.  I have a doctor’s appointment this week, I am anxious to know if the baby is okay.  My daughter is a ball of anxiety about the upcoming state exams.  Someday, I feel that math award for the perfect score last year was a curse.  I am adjusting to my husband’s hearing loss.  In a way of enjoying the silence of not everyone knowing I am pregnant.  I do have my negative thoughts or intense moments of anxiety.  I haven’t told my boss yet, we are going on 15 weeks now.  I am enjoying the quietness.  My daughter seems to be struggling about keeping it quiet.  My relative did her no favors to tell her.  I wasn’t ready.  When I ask her, she tells me that she doesn’t think about the baby much.  She says she is scared about the state exams and doing well.  Somedays, I see warning signs of puberty approaching in her behavior.

Meditative Monday To Refill The Soul

The past two weeks have been packed with doctor appointments between my follow up ultra sound and my husband’s MRI.  Another birthday/death anniversary of my first daughter has passed.  Did I mention Girl Scout Cookies needed to be delivered?  My last box is being delivered today.    Thankfully both my ultra sound and my husband’s MRI were okay.

I decided to participate in a nutrition and pregnancy study.  Today, I had an appointment.  My emotional gas tank is running empty so I canceled until next week.  This morning I did my meditation and Reiki.  All of sudden, I look at the study guide for that test that I have been meaning to take for years.  I am second trimester now.  One week down, 12 more weeks left in second trimester.  Three of my losses occurred in the second trimester, I am anxious.  I am looking at the study guide and thinking I need to keep busy.  How about I study and complete the test?  It will keep me busy.   I do get negative thoughts.  My 3 babies died silently without me knowing.  Sometimes, I will have those thoughts of loss.

I was born in March.  Many people were not there when I was diagnosis with cancer. Almost five years later, I feel some anger.   My sister will never call.  A card will just show up in April. I was born in March not April.  She does this to my daughter too.  The gift will show up in late September, when she was born in August.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.  It’s another way of saying you don’t count.   It’s been two months since I heard from my inlaws.  Birthday cards will show up.  I find myself saying, please just drop me a line another time.  Please tell me that I am important through the year.  Not just Christmas or my birthday.

It’s also the anniversary of some sad memories such as my last failed cycle with my eggs, anniversary the death of my friend who relapsed and the anniversary of the death of my two beloved pet cats.  Another friend looks to have relapsed recently.  I can’t reach him by phone.    I did already take that last Saturday of my birthday off.

My pregnancy of my living daughter was announced after her level 2 ultra sound on my birthday.  The two pregnancies do not exactly the same.  She was due on August 14th and this one is due September 1st.  We decided as a family to go ahead and announce this pregnancy on my birthday again.  I am worried about the reception of my pregnancy announcement.  This one’s level 2 ultra sound is the following week on Good Friday, like my daughter’s but it is different years.  My husband has promised to come to my level 2 ultra sound.  Most will ask are you going to find out if you are having a girl or boy.  First I ask do you see movement.  Then I ask how is the heart beat.  Finally, I give thanks for the baby measuring on time.  A girl or boy, I want a live healthy baby.  A girl or a boy is small details in this world, when you have lost so many pregnancies!