I dropped my daughter Hope off this morning for her first day of sixth grade. She went back with braces. Immediately, she was greeted by friends. I held my breath, when they noticed the braces. I breath again when one of them said, “Cool!” Hope is no longer in pain all the time. It was really hard on me to see this for awhile. Last year the former 6th graders freaked out the 5th graders by telling them that they will eat worms on the week long overnight trip to a camp to learn about science. They did an awesome job freaking them out. I meant to get gummy worms for her last day of 5th grade. I was too busy with the house. I had a package to give her. Unknown to me, they put the spacers in and the gummy worms are a no no with braces. I thought about it and thought about it. This morning, I gave her the gummy worms with a big hug. Welcome to 6th grade. Before she said, ” Mom I can’t have this.” I told her I was going to cut them up and see if I could melt them down in the mini crock pot as a science experiment. Maybe we can make drinks for you. She smile and giggled.
It was a long summer of fighting the mold in the house. I have been able to get the lingering odor by the cellar door to decrease. Somedays, it’s gone. The truth test will be after the winter. It was crazy of me to stay up all hours of the night to clean, I was worried about the family’s health. The house is not in sell-able shape. The outdoors need vinyl siding. I need to paint indoors to a more neutral color. What is going to really hurt is painting over the murals on Joy’s bedroom wall. Hope’s handprints made the rainbow. My husband and I used our hands to make the sun. Hope at times says to me, “I don’t want to move.” I have people I talk to. This house was 17 years of our lives. The other night, another reminder of why we need to move. I heard a helicopter over head and saw two police cars with lights. I said to Buddy, our dog. “Sorry, I don’t think we are safe outside.” I do love aspects of our city. I can’t stand looking over my shoulder and trying to figure out if that is a state police helicopter over head. With the mass shootings, I am aware moving the kids doesn’t mean it will never happen somewhere else. Just last year as school was getting out, two residents of my city were firing at each other in the gas station around the school in that beautiful town Hope was chosen for.
Joy’s birthday at the bowling alley was an irony in itself. I texted people, who said they were going. Here is what made me so angry. Eight no shows. Two additional people late canceled the night before. I was right 10 to 15 people. My cousin who needs services decided to leave shortly after being there. I was trying to reach out to him. My husband was so angry. On Joy’s birthday, I woke up at 5 AM with anger. I am the type of person, who follows through. One was the daycare owner and her family. I kind of sent an are you okay message. I was told she “forgot.” Funny, the other day, you said you were going. My husband’s god daughter and her child, no showed. My friend at work who I paid for the floor, no showed. All these people were texted a few days prior. Listen, I didn’t approach the subject with all of them. Someone started a conversation with me and I told the person, I didn’t even notice you didn’t brother to come. I am starting to hold people personally accountable a lot more for their actions or no actions with me. It was embarrassing to pay the bowling alley so much money and then ask them to pay us back. They knew and I swear whatever the excuse, it was embarrassing to hear my husband. The bowling alley refund us no questions. I have had insomnia all summer long due to screwing up my own sleep schedule.
Here is the irony. One of my friends is facing another cancer diagnosis. She was there. A friend who had turned his life around and was there. He brought the kids a video game card. A friend we made through Hope’s activities touched me. Two $25 checks, one in my honor to the cancer organization. The other check was written in honor of my children who died from rare disease. I cried when I saw their names not in my hand writing, because there is no greater honor for a bereave mother to have someone else acknowledge the life of their child.
We also have an old oatmeal can where we collect change. The change is turned into money and donated in memory of our children. We call it the Angel Fund.
I finally reached out to my OB about the insomnia. I started decreasing my caffeine intake. It worked beautifully except the fire alarm went off at 3AM the day after Joy’s birthday. Our dog has been suffering with some type of GI problems all month. He really got sick at 5AM on Saturday. We sent him to the vet’s and he is on meds and special food. W expect a full recovery. It was caused by my husband switching his diet quickly. Sunday, I got 8 1/2 hours. Then I went back to 7 hours on Monday. Last night I was up for two hours in the middle of the night. I suspect I have the warning signs menopause due to the chemo.
Joy keeps looking like today I am going to walk, but she hasn’t yet. She had a good physical. We talked about weaning her from formula and the bottles. Doctor agrees with me about her not needing toddler formula at all. They did blood work today. I didn’t want to do it yesterday with her sister there. She barely cried.
My husband and I are going to start getting involved more now. We have lost 3 friendships per year since our first daughter died. Time to move one and trying to bring old ones back to life.
I need to also go back to Co-Dependents Anonymous to get support. I keep putting it off.