I’ve actually spent most of the day writing the story of my life in third person. Very therapeutic to some extent. I’m not gonna share the entire writing. Here is what I will share:
A pandemic locked the doors. Maryellen C grew silent longer before that. She had to work. She had to educate her youngest for kindergarten. Silence of lock down became a rock concert of demands for her. The youngest became explosive and impulsive. They were locking the refrigerator and the cabinets. The motor kept driving the youngest. The oldest had med appointments because the vertigo would get worst and better. She got up the next day and did it again and again to keep that family safe.
Daycare was closed. Her mammogram was canceled. She called family. I have an appointment. Can you help and the youngest? Again, she was the dirty dishes and the laundry to be folded. Many offered to help. Was that fair to leave an impulsive and explosive 5 year old on non-family?
In November 2020, COVID got worst. She made a decision to bring her youngest home for remote school to keep the kid safe from the pandemic. The explosions and impulsiveness got worst. She couldn’t go to the bathroom fearing what that child might do. The youngest daughter started stealing and hoarding food without her knowledge. Three types of small flies had invaded the house by Christmas. We have been treating the house. She egged her room, because Maryellen wanted a shower. She had to check the refrigerator was locked and the cabinets too. She had a bladder infection for a month. No one was available. She took matters into her own hands. Was this living? What is going on with the youngest. School was canceled due to a snowstorm. The child frightened her so bad. I made several calls. The decision was made. Psychological testing was the answer after talking with several agencies.
The youngest bolted on the psychologists. She sat under the table. Maryellen C didn’t know is this autism? She read all night on female autism. She loves her youngest. She wore herself out. Maryellen C had severe headaches. Two weeks later her throat swell up. She had mono. Perhaps, drinking from another’s left out cup. She is vaccinated. She did go out with friends for her birthday after the shot.
I am going to talk in first person again. Apparently, shortly after the shot, I got infected with mono. Is this all I have? Housework that never gets done. Both families looking the other way? What was the point of an education? Both agreed the marriage was over. We will remain together for the kids. The youngest didn’t have autism. She has a moderate to severe ADHD diagnosis.
I don’t know how this end. Anyways, that is the condense version of 47 years. Marriage didn’t work for me. I keep daydreaming of that big family that loves me. I have my girls. I keep working on my co-dependence behaviors. I try to be the best mom. I am realizing how much psychological abuse and neglect is damaging. The youngest has several upcoming appointments and the oldest’s vertigo continues. I spent most of my time trying to keep the kids safe. Apparently she was eating snacks without my knowledge. She has to be sedated for cavities to be filled. I try to remain focus on myself. Things are getting better. We have her home every Friday. The mask is a hot issue. Look she had asthma until age 2. I am back to just focusing on my career. The youngest goes to a summer program 4 days a week. She is in the same school system as the oldest. They looked at the report and it was we don’t have time for this. In their defense it was the second to the last week of school. This is to be continued into first grade. The oldest is vaccinated and I try to keep the 5 year old safe. Next paragraph, I don’t know.
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