Tag Archives: grief

Talk About Your Anniversary Gifts

A friend of the family gave us a generous offer.  The birthday bash for the girls is almost a little less than a month away.  He told me that his wife and him are coming over to help so I can paint the kitchen cabinets within a weekend.  I am so happy.  It’s been a struggle over 17 months of remodeling for one person to take the kids and the other one to work on the house.

My daughter right after my unpaid maternity leave asked for a mini I-pad for Christmas one year.  Literally, we were putting gifts on credit cards because I just went back to work.  Daycare expects their tuition.  Co-workers/friends got together and gave us enough money to basically pay the first week.  My oldest got her I-pad mini for Christmas.  Thanks to credit cards.   Shortly after she got it, the screen got cracked because she dropped it.  For a long time, it worked.  She left it on the floor and I stepped on it by accident.

Last year, I brought a cheap tablet to get some work done at home.  Well, our work operating system would not work on a tablet.  The operating system requires either old widows program or an Apple device for security reasons.  Here I am with this cheap tablet that wouldn’t work and I couldn’t return.  The deal was, my oldest would share the I-pad with me and use the cheap tablet, when I needed it.  It began to ghost type.  It was freaky.  For weeks, I promised I would try to fix it.  Well, every week I tried.  It looked like according to Google that my child’s Ipad was hacked.  It got so bad, that I am saying to customer service I can’t get it to do what you want because it’s so busy opening a mess of programs that I didn’t ask it too.  I took to it to a repair shop.  It ended up the screen needed to be replaced.  I got the bill.  Here goes all the money I worked so hard on the 4th of July for.  We have so many bills upcoming.  August is both the girl’s birthdays.  This year, we decided to do one party.  My oldest is getting too old.  Joy doesn’t have any outside friends.  It made sense to show off all the hard work on the house.

Well, our relationship has been disconnected for years now.  He won’t hire a babysitter.  His mother will not help.  My mother died years ago.  The tradition was…  I would start in June to beg his mother for one annual night of babysitting.  One year after multiple prompts, she forgot anyways.  We were told we were only getting an hour that year.  So, I had it with him and her.  Finally, I stopped talking about going out for our anniversary.  Why brother?  Two years later, he panicked.  Why weren’t we going out anymore for anniversary?  This year to afford a babysitter, I need to work a shift and a half.  This year, I figured to say nothing about our anniversary.  Maybe he will forget.  I said nothing.  Damn on June 30th, he says so what are we doing on our anniversary.

Please don’t think I am cold. We haven’t been close in years.  Forget it!  It caused a string of arguments Last summer, we were totally drained financially by summer camp, infant daycare and two individual birthday parties. I think I have mentioned, we are trying to move and the youngest conception bill is still not paid for. Plus, I had to hire a babysitter to cover my oldest for the days summer camp was not in session.

Friday, the Ipad was all fixed and home. We picked it up.  $140 gone.  Another words, all the money from the extra shifts.  I wasn’t with my girls for the 4th of July.  The ipad is back and it’s how I am trying to catch up at job one.  I spent the day working around the house.  Not much got done due to a bad toddler day on Saturday, which is why our friends are helping us.   Saturday night, I decided to go to a Reiki Share.  I find it refocuses me.  It’s tough work working substance abuse.  He said he didn’t mind me going. I left at 6PM.  The second, I came through the door, something was wrong.  His cell phone is laying on the ground.  He put the package of dog treats in the freezer again.  We don’t sleep in the same room, so I freaked out.  I shook him until he stirred and I knew he was okay.

I left for work on Sunday.  I texted the oldest call me.  Well, the oldest calls me in tears.  I trying to put out a bunch of crisis’s at work.  Now what is going on.  Well, she is crying because the Ipad’s tempered glass is broken now.  $140!  I wanted to scream.  Something told me not too.  I’ll figure this out later.  Working was a good excuse not to see the in-laws.  I drove to the restaurant and met him there.  He had this pretty speech all prepared.  So, I fell for it and both of us ended up crying in the car.  Well if it is a screen protector just get her a new one.  I order it.  We ran out of time.  Today, the dentist calls we forgot the appointment, but they schedule it for later.  It rearranged my day.  We ran errands. So, I told her this is her last chance with the Ipad.  She told me the truth of how it was broken.  Poor kid took the responsibility for a day now.  I got so mad that I went into confrontation mode with who broke it, which ended with an ultimatum.  My oldest begging for me to for finding her at fault.  I took pics of it because it may have lead to me taking the person to court.

My oldest is crying.  I am so upset.  The toddler drops a shoe in the car.  I didn’t bring the stroller.  My breast cancer arm is aching a short trip to the store ended up me walking the mall because the whole screen needed to be repaired again.  When the temped glass shattered, it took the screen out  again.  The toddler is persistent about walking.  You can’t let toddler walk around bare foot at a mall.  She missed a nap.  She is a mess.  One melt down after another.  I am trying to call friends and figure this out.  Basically, with all my friends, I develop a plan.  I am getting breaks here and there.  Finally, you know what.  It is the problem of the person who caused this.   Not my problem, let him fix it.   I had to call out.  All because I wanted a few hours to myself.  Heartbroken…  Supposedly, there are more promises.   Follow through this time!   Really, I deserve a social life.  A few hours to rejuvenate a few days per month…

Promises are nice words of setting intentions.  After so many broken promises, I am hoping for reality!  Show me you will follow through.  Reality is more picture perfect than those words that never lead to following through!

How Being Infertile Saved Me From Breast Cancer & Life Today

I have been in infertility treatment since age 30. At first, our diagnosis was recurrent pregnancy loss and male infertility. Here I am 40 without another living child to come home. This journey to embryo donation has been a combination of spiritual awakening and a part of a healing process. In the course of one year the following events occurred, my daughter was born still with a form of rare disease, pets died, my mother died and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Memories of my still born daughter have been resurfacing lately. As if she is saying, I am here with you! Last Monday, I cried the entire length of meditation class, which is a good sign. Years after the lost, there are days were the pain is like it happened yesterday. Crying releases the spirit making way for the new ones, we hope!

I have had some really strange dreams about college and schools. One of my jobs, I work with a school and the school year is starting soon. My one job with kids is picking up full speed. I am starting the process of saying see you next school vacation to my hospital job.

I am cleaning the house as fast as I can before my embryo transfer in September. I am laughing, as if the embryos can see the house. I haven’t heard from the high risk OB GYN we hired in Rhode Island yet. My regular doctor has been very kind to me in assisting with the ultra sound needed here for the embryo donation cycle.

Sometimes anniversaries of sad events are hard. I had just lost a baby. I was just going to give it another try. I was checking for fertility signs/pregnancy signs, when I discovered blood in my bra from my left breast. I am expecting them to say, you have a milk duct infection. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don’t always understand everyone. Sometimes people can not connected the still birth of daughter with my grief as a breast cancer survivor. The two are always connected in my mind. To save my life, I needed chemo. My breast cancer happened in my left breast over my heart. I always said it was as if it was a symbol of my recurrent pregnancy losses. As if my tumor was my unspoken grief. Chemo may have destroyed my fertility. It’s not clear, because I am 40 now too.

I did have a living daughter at the time, who just started private kindergarten. As her mother, I felt such guilt. First the baby dies. Then, six months later, we are reading children’s book on what cancer is. We dream as parents of the first day of kindergarten. It was the first time I wore a wig the same week that kindergarten started. She hated the wig. Over time, my daughter began to understand it in her way. She began to wear my wig she hated. She would steal it off the wig stand and she would come giggling to me. By Christmas, it was a joke between mother and daughter. I held on to my dreams before cancer treatment. I am going to become a mother again!

The medications for embryo donation are causing side effects. I am not sleeping well. Today, I was feeling sick for the longest time. It’s mammogram time. I am having a hard time with keeping it positive. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have decided to talk to the hospital about trying to see if I can get the results the same day. I understand it’s a billing question, please understand my point of view. I was 36 years old, when I diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time with mammogram. I guess it’s because I wasn’t old enough for a routine mammogram. It’s only been four years. Of all the appointments, I fear the mammogram the most. I love the feeling of leaving the hospital with a normal mammogram report. Why should this year be different because of an insurance code? I am hoping they read it for me the same day.