Broken Hearted

This weekend was the most difficult. Our youngest was giving me a hard time about cleaning a room. In a rush I went to my Husband’s closet to find her pants for the Christmas parade. He has been sober for two years. An empty vodka bottle and nips fell from the closet. He admitted to it. Our daughter oldest had a dance performance. These dance performances are tough sometimes because of her vertigo. So I helped the secret of what I found most of the day. It wanted it out of me.

I felt lied to and betrayed. This past Mother’s Day I thought he was drinking again. But I couldn’t find evidence. There was a event I really wanted to go though since I was infertile. I made it to the event on my own. He denied it up and down. I was most likely right since he said he relapsed since the spring.. The girls and I were planning to take him to a restaurant this weekend for his birthday. We went and we took him. Afterwards I wanted nothing to do with him. I spent most of Monday his real birthday crying. I actually decided to take some time off to myself. I have had a lot of ruined events due to alcoholism. My codependents anonymous family carried me.

For many years I saved for potential divorce. He was sober questionably for two years. So I took my savings and I spent it on my new business,to spend more time with the girls. I feel so vulnerable right now. He’s agreed to go to treatment. My heart is just broken. I’ve got new jobs starting next week. I keep trying at this independent contractor position. I don’t know what to say other than my heart is broken.

New Beginnings: Spring has Sprung!

I AM NOT SURE WHY THIS OLD POST DIDN’T GET PUBLISH. I am posting it now:

My mammogram was normal.  It came in the mail with quite a disclaimer.  I called my doctors to discuss this.  I got a message from my primary care doctor that it was a normal message.  I hate to say this is the first year that I read the report.  Usually, it is read to me.  I usually just file the letter away.  Tomorrow, I will call back to the breast cancer surgeon office back.

It has been a frightening two months for me for my daughter to go through these dizzy spells.  I have lost two children due to a rare disease.  Somedays, she is a teenager and she knows the answer.  Part of this may be due to her not wearing her glasses.  Part of this is due to her staying up all night to perfect her homework.  I did manage to get an appointment with the ENT specialist that was like gold last week.  Her brain MRI is normal.  They took some blood and her vitamin D level is off.  Dance is Hope’s joy in life.  It’s been tough to see the glow in her face go out.  The dance school is making spin during the comp performance.  She just got all the vitamins and we are doing the exercises.  Tuesday, I was very late from work.  I was 15 minutes from her.  She says to me, “Mom, I am dizzy again.” I felt my own tears roll down my face in frustration.  All I can do is sit in traffic.  They won’t give her the medication until her vitamin levels increase.  All I can do is call my old acupuncturist and hope for the best with Hope.  This is so tough on me personally.  I can’t seem to make it go away.

To top this all off, she was playing balloon volley ball.  She collided with another kid.  She chipped her knuckle.  I am worn out behind worn out.  One doctor’s office to another.  I understand we are trying to get Hope to be better enough for the first dance comps.  I drew a boundary.  No appointments on my birthday next week.  I hate doctor appointments.

Other parts of my life are changing.  My husband’s bank is merging.  We have enough money to pay off a lot of financial whoa like the conception bill created to have embryo donation.  My youngest daughter was conceived through embryo donation.  I never want her to think she is at fault.  It was the whole situation.  It’s been extremely hard that I went without sleep and worked so hard on this house.  Moving to the next town over to where my daughter went to school is just too high of a price.

I gave my husband this 50th birthday get away.  I had accepted the state of our emotional divorce.  Valentines Day, he takes the day off and over spends a lot of money on me on stuff, I wouldn’t use.  I had to finally say.  Okay, I hear you want to come back. Listen, we lived like this for five years.  It’s going to take time.  I am anxious because I ended all these surface friendships.  I am in Codependents Anonymous continuing a relationship in that nature is not the desire for healthy relationship.

It has been really tough to not reach out to these surface people.  Right around my birthday, I do get depressed.  None of my siblings are talking with me.  I had to cut them free do to their addiction.  I came from a very abusive father, who verbalized I was not wanted.  I spoke about it.  My birthday, I don’t like it.  It’s usually a reminder of the empty places in me.  I actually broke the silence about these thoughts.  Someone minimized me.  I was so upset.  I wanted to stand up.  I couldn’t find the energy and someone else was talking.

I struggled to stop my negative thinking.  I was starting to agree with my father’s message.  Thankfully, I reached out to a friend.

My husband’s uncertainty about his bank merger is wearing on me.  Great, we found a way to financial get rid of a lot of bills.  He wants us to be a married couple again.  This means my heart is on the line as I trust him again.  I am scared that I am going to end up feeling heart broken again.  Then, I am surrounding a job to get my child help at the public preschool.  Honestly, who wouldn’t be anxious.  I have been threatened by divorce a few times.  It’s like this, the building I am in is on fire (Just a symbol not real.) I can’t see around the smoke.  I don’t know if someone is holding a safety net.  I have to trust these are the right choices and hopefully, I am not jumping to my death.

A Sleepless Summer

I AM NOT SURE WHY THIS OLD POST DIDN’T GET PUBLISH. I am posting it now:

I have been struggling with insomnia this summer. This summer has been truly a life changing event. I quit working two jobs. I will never take another job were you have to give two months notice. It was very painfully slow to leave. I took the girls to Disney World. It all started the last week of school ending. Fireworks are illegal in my state for individuals to set off. I was at the last week of my job and trying to catch up. Someone lost control of a bottle rocket. It hit my bay window. Joy, my youngest who was 3 became frighten of fireworks. What’s the Fourth of July. It’s all fireworks.

Joy began to refuse to sleep in her bed. My husband insisted on taking her to bed. I was up, working to file out of this one job. It was an argument very night. Sadly, a few nights before recital Joy fell out of the large bed. She had quite a bruise for recital. From a developmental aspect, I knew Joy was going to have a really hard time with Recital and Disney World happening all in the same week. I was the parent volunteer. She bolted from the group repeatedly.