Monthly Archives: September 2014

I Got The Sleep I Needed Last Night: My Plan

The program on the West Coast is indicating there may be a shorter wait time this next cycle.  I am already being put back on some of the meds.  Time to go back to my fertility routine.  I am done with “being bad.”   What I found interesting was I was asked for dates that I can not make an embryo transfer.

Thinking about the trip back out to the West Coast, there are a ton of things I could do.  I do have career goals.  All I need to do is to take this one test in a subject I completely hate and do not do well in.  I have the right license.  It’s an additional license in my field to work at a school.  The plane trip alone is multiple hours of studying.  I have my meditation tapes etc…  I could also hook up with the chapter of RESOLVE out on the West Coast and attend one of the support groups.

My daughter is saying, “I want to go, but I don’t want to go.” She missed a lot of school.  The family vacation turned into a power struggle at times.  Please do your make up work.  She came home and she was kept after a few times to make up work with the teacher.  I did email and thanked the teacher.  Most times, teachers are busy after school.  My daughter was given a make up math assessment.

I am living my life as if I am in cancer treatment.  No more pressure for set dates.  The cycle of a woman doesn’t stop because it is a holiday or a school event.  As much I don’t want to go by myself.    My husband has a new job and my daughter has school.  I can do this.  I will figure it out as I go mode.

Our family’s story is so complicated between the two babies, who died from rare disease and my breast cancer treatment.  A few people have reacted harshly at times to all we have been through.  Next week, I am doing a presentation on rare disease.  All the audience except two or three people will not know I lost two daughters due to a rare disease.

My daughter also attends the town school with another child from our city.  My daughter is an only child living in this home.  Her friendships aren’t just friendships.  She adopts some her friends as siblings.  I always find when I attempting to make a long term friendship that people will accept my status as a breast cancer survivor more easier than my infertility treatment or the fact I am bereaved mother.  So, I told a friend’s mother about me being a breast cancer survivor.   My daughter has a play date tonight for the movies with her friend.   I have a few people in the face to face world that I am all three to.  I get really tired of masking who I am.  I do it to survive but it drains me to no end.

There are things I am going to do to get through this waiting time.  There is a whole basement to clean because the house has flooding issues.   It won’t be done this Monday. (Sundays and Mondays are my weekend.)   There is a different type of meditation I want to learn.  There is my favorite place with Reiki Circle and my regular meditation class.  There’s the gym with the elliptical, which my previous RE told me I could use during a cycle.   Every night, I am having leg cramps because I haven’t been to the gym since mid August.  I have yoga videos for fertility.  I have a fertility diet.  There always training classes for the career goals.  I have a bunch of different training classes that I brought for the computer to get done.  My husband and I talked about taking my daughter to New Jersey/New York for a weekend.  There is a medieval fair that I enjoy going to.  New England is filled with beautiful places in the Fall.  Our hearts are grieving this…life does continue.

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Self Care Mode: Fertility Journey

This week has been hard to say the least.  Parenting and secondary infertility has a number of challenges.  My living daughter is 9 years old.  Some days, she talks like a teenager.  The other morning, I found her staring into space because her “heart felt so sad that the trip to the West Coast didn’t work out.” Mornings are tough.  Her promotion to the second elementary school in the town next door means school starts at 8AM.  Neither one of us are morning people, which adds to the stress. I am trying not to be hard on her.

My daughter was only 4 years old, when the rare disease stuck again.  My pregnancy ended with another pregnancy loss a stillbirth a week before Thanksgiving.  My living daughter wants a sister…. She tells me if it is a brother she wants a lock for her door.  Why?  Her best friend is always fighting with her brother.  She is also at that age where boys are like veggies.  (We haven’t gotten to the teen years yet!  Thankfully!) I frequently tell her pregnancy is not like drive thur.  You give thanks for the healthy baby.  I want cream and sugar.  No that’s for a coffee.   Not a baby!

I have been wearing a mask to get through the work week.  My daughter wants to go back to church for her friends.  Why I hate negative cycles!  My wounds had a thick scab on top.  The wounds are open again.  I can for professional reasons interact with others pregnant and newborns.  I think what happens on Sunday is I have dealt with this all week.  Sunday is also the only day I can sleep in.  I regular wake up before 7AM as a mother.  Monday, someone needs to drive my daughter to school.  So this week, I try not to deal with situations that are going to increase my stress levels.  I am not feeling well emotionally and physically.  I spend most of time teaching others about feelings and self care.  Please let my wounds heal in my soul.   So much planning and anticipation went into the West Coast trip.   My heart is broken.

I am going to clean the basement next as part of the waiting for the next cycle.  Our house has flooding problem in the basement and I need to clean it.  I am not starting this Monday on my day off.  (My weekends are Sunday and Monday during the school year.) Yes, I can do this and that.  Right now, please let me have a PJ day and a crying spree.  So I am starting with self care.  We went through the process of waiting for a profile match, saving and having our lives up in the air.  We are right back to where we started.  A new wound has formed.  There is only so much my heart can handle.  I am human myself.  Yes, I get it.  There are times you need to wear the mask.  I am tired right now.

More trainings are coming in for work.  The holidays are coming.  I finally decided I need to surrender again.  Not surrender in a bad sense.  During breast cancer treatment, I needed to live my life according to a treatment schedule and be flexible to survive.   If I want to give embryo donation a decent chance, I need to do the same.  My daughter has asked me a lot of hard questions about going back.  I explained this is not in my control.  We have little control over some aspects of life.  It’s my dream and my only shot.

I have my own anxiety about this because we don’t know if I may need to go by myself.  I have ideas how to stay sane if this is the case.  One is RESOLVE has always been a source of support for me.  So, there is a local chapter why not call them?  My husband has a new job.  My daughter is in school.

Meanwhile, I am enjoying being off my fertility routine.  I drank a quarter of a cup of coffee this morning.  Anything more I would have been a wild woman.

Finding Courage Through My Mother and Aunt

These days of accepting and coming to terms with my negative pregnancy test have been hard.  Everyone in my family is grieving it a different way. Now that the first trip is over, I am not in a rush anymore.  I feel I need to grieve this.  I also want to be more picky about profile matches.

My Aunt called last night during 4th grade math homework.  She is my mother’s sister.  My mother lost her mother at an early age.  She got married older.  I was a surprise baby, when my mother was 36 years old, which was not common in the 70’s.

I have a brother and sister who are six and seven years older than me.  We haven’t talked in years since my mother’s death.  They have this annoying habit of sending messages through other family members and not calling me themselves.  As we grew older, we grew further apart.  My mother had to work.  They were responsible for caring for me.  My husband said they never treat you like an adult.  It’s like they think I am still a minor.  They are very emotional abusive towards me as I grew older, I refused to take it anymore.  When my living daughter was born, I cut ties with them.  They started treating her very similar to me.  Example: They would promise to come and then last second no show, which is a symptom of an active addiction.  They were also against my decision to raise my daughter knowing she had an older sister, who died.   They took their decision to the next level.  They enlisted a bunch of health care providers to try to make me do the same.  It was no one’s choice.  Last time I checked my name is on her birth certificate.  (I felt even then that this was important information because it was a genetic disorder, which we didn’t know we were carriers of.)

It was hard for me to tell my Aunt that the pregnancy test was negative.  I started telling her my plans for the next cycle.  The embryo donation program I am in has three cycles.  My daughter goes to school and my husband has a new job.  They may not be able to come next time.  I said to my Aunt I would be okay if I needed to be alone because I would mediate the entire time.  She told me, “your mother would say she mediated to get through the tough times of her life.” My mother functioned as a single mother until my father left us, when I was a teen ager.  She had lost most of her walking mobility to a car accident, when I was 13 years old.  She never officially divorced my father or dated.  She stayed faithful to her vows until her death.  My father on the other hand may have been illegal remarried.  Last year, my siblings told me he had died at Thanksgiving time.  I can’t confirm it.  It’s also something I don’t feel I need to do right now.  It’s not the right time.

She never told me that she mediated.  So, knowing my mother, she may have been praying in a Christian sense and calling it meditation.  It was a connecting moment for me between our spirits.  I have been listening more to the guidance of my Reiki master and meditation teacher.  So this agnostic has a spiritual sense.

My Aunt said something profound between two infertile women.  My uncle was infertile and both my cousins were adopted.  She was in the process of trying to adopt.  Her father said to her, “God may not want you have a child and you will need to accept this.”

My Aunt said to me that she told him, ” God may not want me have a child and I need to accept this.  I am going to give God one hell of an argument.”

Fertility Journey: Trying To Pick Up The Pieces AGAIN

So, yesterday at 3AM, I woke up on the day of my pregnancy test.  Over the weekend, I did something that I haven’t done in years.  I brought a home pregnancy test.  Usually, my body does an excellent job of informing me that the last fertility treatment didn’t work before the day of the pregnancy test.  This time, I was so positive because something didn’t show up before the day of the pregnancy test.  During IVF, the trigger shot in your body can cause a false positive test.  Since there is no trigger shot in an embryo donation cycle, I figured I would buy a test.  The medication was doing so well that my body wasn’t going to tell me.

So much went into that trip, my husband got a new job to pay for all this.  A lot of unused vacation time from the last job went into paying for this trip.  I cleaned the house from top to bottom for a month before hand to make sure the house was clean enough.  My basement is prone to flooding.  Our driveway is prone to flooding to.   These are two projects, we have put off to pay for the fertility treatment.  Every winter, we work extra hard at ice removal.  Every winter, I say after fertility treatment.

During our tip to the West Coast, we saw how bad the drought was.  My daughter wanted to go swimming at Yosmite.  There was no waterfall or river.  My daughter and I said several times, we need to pray for rain. Ironically, we came home and we couldn’t get the suitcases because of the puddle/lake. (We affectionately call it.)  I gave up caffeine right before the transfer.  We were so excited.

Another hit to the family, I really enjoy what I do for a living.  Due to treatment and wanting to spend more time with the daughter that I have, I accepted this position.  There is no vacation time/sick time.  Last Saturday, I wanted to cry just seeing the amount of my check.

All of these things are a pieces of the sadness I feel this morning.  The home pregnancy test was negative, so I know several people were hoping the blood test was positive.  I work two jobs.  When there is a “drought” working with the kids, I work the job at the hospital.  It’s a job that I held since my living daughter was five months old.  I had several people praying for us from both work places.   So when the blood test was negative, I told them.

I am feeling for everyone right now.  My husband left the house for work depressed.  Someone asked me a really good philosophical question that I needed to hear about unanswered prayers.  Ironically, I answered it.  I can see in my mind how I ended up agnostic over the years.  One of my interests is study religion and after life beliefs.  We loved our first daughter so much.  I prayed every step of the pregnancy for a miracle for her to be the survivor.  When she died, I missed praying for her.  I started praying for another child a healthy one.  We are blessed to have one.

As I answered the question, I realized more isolation is not the answer.  I don’t usually go to church in these circumstances.  My daughter has friends there and she wants to go.  She can’t drive herself at age nine, so I go.  I have a hard time with all the birth and pregnancy announcements.  I don’t always.  It’s how high the stress is with my fertility treatment.  So last year, we went to Washington DC.  We decided to visit a church of our religion.  They had a naming ceremony for a baby.

There is a bigger question in the universe starring me right in the face.  I hate being the one, who lost her children to this terrible rare disease.  I hate being the one who had breast cancer before the age of forty.  I struggle to find some meaning for these awful events.  So when I was told my eggs were of low quality, I pulled inward into isolation.  There are a few who understand the connection between the cancer and the lost of fertility.  Instead of dealing with the statements, I became socially withdrawn. I can’t stay like this.  Maybe it is time I reach out and join society.  I know who I can and can not speak to about my bereavement/infertility issues.  My universe isn’t my fertility status.  Although this morning, you would think it was.

I surrendered to the fact my eggs weren’t good enough.  The truth is pregnancy doesn’t always happen to those without fertility issues.  Sometimes, I choose not to speak because these emotions are strong.  My daughter wants to go back to church.  My eyes are rolling.  I also don’t want my daughter to think our church is not supportive.  They do not know, because I don’t want to deal with the statements that drive me crazy.

I requested a fresh embryo cycle at this point from the clinic.  I am busy being bad off the fertility routine this morning.  My living daughter had a hard day yesterday.  My mother-in-law took this hard.  I need to stop being so hard on everyone.  If everyone had a rare loss the it would be common.  I am trying to find the balance.  The second the test was negative it was what did I do wrong.  There ‘s the negative thinking again.  My daughter had so much makeup work.  The fact that the test was negative makes me angry.  How much more God?  I have ideas.

I need to work on these relationships that I lost in the quest  for a baby.  I fight my tears as if it is infertility itself.  I am going to see  if I can go to an RESOLVE group.  Tonight, I am coming home and feeling this sadness.  I know I should be at Reiki Circle, but tonight I need to nurse my own wounds.    My brain races to fix this.  Fix what?  Why?  I spend a lot of time teaching other to feel what they feeling.  Why crying  such a  bad thing?   I plan to just let it out after work and  dropping my  daughter  at dance school.  For months we worked hard and we are disappointed right now.  It can not be sunny every day.  Look at the drought out west.  Maybe, I need to build bigger a rain stick for myself right now and I will allow my own rain to fall.

Overwhelmed! Hopefully Tomorrow Is Better!

Today was my first day back to work after the transfer.  My sleep is better after returning home.  I think the meds need the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I have not told my job that I involved in getting fertility treatment out of state.  My job thinks I have a personal matter on the West Coast due my biological father’s unconfirmed death.  I had heard some sad news about children.  Work was busy…  I left a little late to get my daughter.  All these things are stressful.  It hits me what if I have put so much of the family’s money to have infertility treatment and the pregnancy test is negative.  It’s not just the money.  There was some serious coordination and effort to getting to the West Coast for embryo donation.  I cried.

On the highway another high stressful situation for me.  There was a bad car accident on the highway.  It has been ten years since my first daughter’s death.  Sometimes, I have bad memories of her death.  It’s the same highway my ambulance went down to Boston, when she was born.  Today of all days, the memories come back.  I called the school because I am late.   They are sent my daughter to after school, because I don’t know if I can make it on time.   I am holding it together….  I took the wrong exit to my daughter’s new school, because I am so busy holding it together.

I think I have said this before.  My job situation is a catch 22.  I can design my own schedule around my daughter and infertility treatment.  The trade in is there is no benefits.  There is no sick or vacation time.  It does get me, but I love what I do.  My husband took his new job to offset my earnings.  It still brothers me that I could be earning more.

Last week while I was away for fertility treatment, I didn’t get paid.  There is a cancer walk coming up for my dance school teacher, who inspired me during my cancer treatment.  I can’t go because I may be pregnant.  My daughter wants to go.  The lowest donation minimum for a child is $100.  The lowest adult donation minimum is $300.  The coordinator is telling me that no one will supervise my daughter during the walk and my husband needs to register.   In all these fund raisers, my husband and I pay for our living daughter.  Maybe it’s just the hormones or did I really just send an email telling off the coordinator?  Yep, I did. Boy did that feel great!  So, I am laughing.  I guess assertiveness training for me consists of estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories!   I have felt the decrease in caffeine yet.  I wonder if I am just in hormonal up swing!

Home After The Transfer

I had two embryos transferred on Friday.  We got back Saturday.  An hour after the plane landed my Aunt called to see how I was doing.  My aunt and uncle adopted children due to infertility.  She is in her 70’s.  I have spoken with her twice since returning home.  She doesn’t always understand infertility treatment.  Remember the IVF procedure was experimental in her day.  She is struggling to understand it’s not a done deal.

So, the chances are maybe a little greater than 50% that I am pregnant.  After my lottery number was chosen for sad events like breast cancer before the age of 40 and watching two babies die from a rare disease, I am hoping that I am.  I am very cautious too.  There is a lot of negative thoughts in my head.  I survived my living daughter’s pregnancy with loud and happy music.  I haven’t had much time to dwell on it.  I am in the two week waiting period again.  My in-laws never bothered to call.  Last night, my husband called them.  He said they seemed extremely annoyed that he called.  I have been fighting so hard to have two children on this Earth.  I don’t get why or how two children can be treated differently.  Family secrets are common in both families.  Is she ashamed of me for keep loosing babies?  Is she ashamed of our infertility?  Is she ashamed of us for having two babies die from a rare disease?  One thing, I do remember from my living daughter’s birth is everyone has a bad habit of showing up, when it works out as if they were there all along.

My struggles with breast cancer taught me a lot.  I am going to avoid negative people, places and things.   Rely on yourself.  My plans for handling negative thoughts, loud and happy music and type it out.  It was a long trip.  It took months of planning.   Hopefully, it happened.

Can I Just Vent?

There has been a long family history between my sister-in-law and myself. We were close until her wife started banging spoons againest glasses every time I spoke. That’s when we started not being so close. The divison between us happened a year after Hope was born. I got pregnant first then the baby miscarried at 6 weeks. It ends up my sister-in-law had a negative pregnancy test on her first IUI. My mother-in-law told me that I had no right getting pregnant because it was my sister-in-law’s turn. We did get pregnant together. My son died at 18 weeks of pregnancy. Her daughter is in first grade. As we know, I have been pregnant 6 times. Five pregnancies ended in losses. Before cancer treatment, she declined to be my surogate mother. I understood. She then got pregnant and had a baby named Maddison. My daughter’s name is Addison, who died. My mother is all I had… She had dementia so bad… My mother-in-law raises all 3 of my sister-in-law’s kids. There have been times that I have gone to her for help. My mother died during my cancer treatment. I am lucky to have friends in the face to face world to watch my daughter.

My husband and I had a disagreement. So, I said, “how often does your sister get a date with her wife?” Unknown to me, the two don’t want to divorce, so that decided to have an open marriage. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything in that family is a secret too. I deannounced these secrets, when I left my family. Why does she have three children? When Addison died, I asked her to take my daughter and husband for Thanksgiving. She refused saying it wasn’t going to “ruin her plans.”

When I was diagnosis with cancer, I asked her for help with my first chemo treatments, because you don’t know what your body will do. She refused. Here I am on the other side of the country trying to have a baby.

I guess what happened to me is after I surivived cancer I began to realize a few things. First, I am brave and strong. I deserve more. So, I thought this over. I am so tired of being treated like a non-family member. I deserve to be loved in my life. So, I nicely sent her an email message that looks like I had a philosophical awakening at Yosmite park. I guess I am not suppose to know my sister-in-law is going to be married and date other people at the same time.

Second thing brothering me. I have something called MTHFR. So I am suppose to be on vitamins. We are paying for this embryo donation. First the high risk OB GYN wants me to get medical history and to call his office when I return from California. This way, I can get an appointment to meet with him or her because I will be a priority. I have asked for both a prescribiton prenatal vitamin and this medical history it’s like pulling teeth. I feel like they are reading a disclaimer every 5 minutes. Am I asking for a lot?

Finally Thoughts Before I Leave For The Embryo Transfer

It has been a crazy week.  My daughter started her new school.  She loves it so far…  The only problem area is the after school care.  She was born in August (summer baby) so she tends to make more friends in the grade behind her.  Since she is the youngest of most of the class often, it was hard for her to start a school where she is the lower grade. 

Finally thoughts, I have been recently studying a type of meditation.  One chapter was on body image.  It was talking about how the family of origin influence this.  I started thinking of my body image.  Many events have influenced my perception of body image.  The embryo transfer is next week so I am on meds causing bad break outs.  I also have experienced infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, infant loss, genetic testing to find out which parent was the carrier and breast cancer.  We aren’t even touching the family of origin tonight.  As I read the activity, I said to myself thankfully, I am not taking this in a group setting.  I would be crying.  When I was 20 years old, I needed to boost my self esteem.  I was filled with life.  I was going to save the world. 

Then, I tried to have a baby.  Overtime, I have noticed my attempts to have a baby, my losses, frequent genetic testing and breast cancer treatment has diminish my sense of most of being full of life and self image.  I am at this point at age 40.  Do I continue living faded into the background or do I stand up to develop the potential of me?  Could I be one of those people, who seem to have it all?  My husband and I faced multiple genetic tests to figure out the causes of our losses.   I came from an emotional abusive father, sister and brother.  Any time, I feel a need to know I don’t matter, I know where to find half my family.  My mother was my savior.  She wasn’t perfect by no means.  She is one of the key ingredient to the reason I made it.  I am wearing her mother’s ring out to California.  She tried so hard.  I know she wanted me to have another baby.  When I lost Addison, I stopped telling people that I was pregnant until a loss happened. 

I am a little anxious of the embryo transfer.  We know there were genetic causes connected to our losses.  I stopped talking to others, because it was like an elephant in the room.  It’s going on eleven years that our first daughter was born and died.  I remember all my babies.    I scrubbed the house.  I want everything clean.  A piece of me accepts the miscarriages, stillbirths and the lost of an infant wasn’t my fault.  There is another piece of me that desperately wants control of making sure another loss will never happen again.    So much time goes into one of these applications.   My joke with my friend is my hobby is infertility.   You spend so much time just on phone calls and appointments.  I spent so much time reading and reading for an answer.  Today, I am tired, hormonal (due to meds) and craving tons of high fat awful high calorie food.   

When I started the estrogen patch the dreams came, first it was strange dreams about college and work.  Now, I dream every night of my mother.  Some nights, I dream of my missing babies.  Last night was extremely vivid.  My father and mother were comforting me getting ready for a party.  I woke up due to the dream at 3AM.

I have been working on this since last October.  Due to work and other issues, it’s almost been a year of attempting to save money and try a cycle.  So, it’s a 50/50 chance with this embryo transfer.  If this cycle does not work, I only have 2 other attempts.  I am afraid it may not happen.  It’s been a lot of work.  I am afraid if it happens.  I have been pregnant 6 times.  Five ended in loss.  Here is what I know.  This is my dream!  For 4 years, I have heard many things, so I shut off people all together.  I am polite with one word answers.  I have heard everything from “should a breast cancer survivor be pregnant or why can’t you be grateful for the one you have.” I am tried of doctor appointments.  I eat two apples a day to avoid them.  When there is a school event, I try not to mingle with the other parents.  I have finally put my finger on it.  I talk all day and I took a job to save the world.  I think I get so overwhelmed.  On my one weekday off, it feels so good to sit in a meditative state.   I do it for hours.  I love my daughter, but I have been missing my one day of silence that seems to reenergize me.   

I hope behind hope to come home pregnant.  A woman who gave birth during my first IVF cycle is giving birth again.  She said her induction may be September 12th.  The day of my embryo transferred.  I laughed and smiled so hard.  I accidentally said that’s a special day.  She asked why and I said to her the following.  My daughter’s favorite movie with a character who has her name is coming out.  I thought to myself, please don’t connect the two in your mind. If you don’t get pregnant then she will have two babies that remind you that you didn’t.  I have some friends, who are special, who know it is an advanced fertility procedure.  So of them have text me or hugged me. It touches me so much! 

Labor Day Memories & How Proud We Are Of Our Daughter

My daughter is starting a new chapter in her academic life next week.  I am so proud of her.  When she went to preschool, her baby sister was born still due to a rare disease.  Six months later, she learned her mother had breast cancer.  Half way through my cancer treatment, my mother died.  I was recently remembering her kindergarten year of school.  I was able to start chemo therapy a week or two after her birthday, which is in August.  The effects of chemo set in during Labor Day Weekend. 

I began to loose my hair in clumps over Labor Day Weekend.  Originally, I had wanted to shave my head the day of chemo.  I felt okay with letting it go.  You tend not to be on the same page as those you love.  So many begged me not to do it.  I love control.  Damn if I would going to loose my hair, let’s shave it!  Let me take it off before chemo gets it!  I had so many pleads from the people I loved,  I decided not too.  Labor Day Weekend, it was coming out in clumps.  Back in those days, everything needed to be neat and perfect.  Now, since chemo, I have officially retired from cleaning the house.  It’s laughable!  My family went to Newport RI  for a day trip that year.  My husband wanted to go this year, I said no.  We are going to a different summer spot, where we brought the baby outfit for our living daughter.   

I had made so many promises to my daughter the year before.  When the baby comes, we are going to put you into a private kindergarten.   Sadly, my second baby daughter was born still a week before Thanksgiving.  The private kindergarten we promised closed.  We were able to find a private kindergarten with a low staff to student ratio, which she needed.  While kindergarteners learn their home address and phone number, I had to teach her about chemo.  My first chemo treatment was crushing.  She threw her arms around my waist and pleaded with me repeatedly not to go to chemo, because it “was bad medicine.”  

Labor Day weekend, I transition into a wig.  We dream in the maternity ward of the first day of kindergarten.  My daughter threw herself on the ground and refused for any pictures to be taken because of that “wig.”  She refused to go.   I put the brave mother smile on.  When she settled into kindergarten, I left.  I cried all the way to work.  My cancer treatment became a normal part of the family.  I wanted another baby so much… 

This brings us to the bear with the bib picture.  My uterus was empty.  I was recovering from a couple of breast cancer surgeries, when I brought myself this bib.  It’s a mess, because it is five years old and still waiting for a baby.  Over the years, I cried into the bib about the difficulties of  cancer and infertility treatment.  I refused to let my dream of becoming a mother to another child go.  When I thought about canceling a treatment appointment for cancer, it reminded me I had dreams waiting for me.  (It is coming to California for the embryo transfer.)

My daughter survived so much between preschool and kindergarten.  In first grade, she was transferred to the city’s public school system.  Within a month, she was student of the month.  That’s when things went wrong.  My sweet daughter, who survived the stillbirth of sister, her mother’s cancer treatment and her grandmother’s death became verbally and physically aggressive with her parents.  We had no idea what went wrong.   It took months for us to piece together that she was badly being bullied within the city school.  In our city, we can apply to outside neighboring towns.  I had done that the year before and she did not make any of the lotteries.

I applied once more to the neighboring town.  She was chosen by lottery.  Surely, you would think she would celebrate this news.  She didn’t want to leave her friends.  So I said let’s go check out, then you decide.  She knew several of the kids.  I put the acceptance letter in a envelope.  Our decision was made. She loves the neighboring town school.  Our girl is laughing and smiling again.   She cries every last day of school, except for that one year at the city school.   The way she was in 2008 before the family was struck by multiple losses in one year.    We have a deal about bullies. Tell your parents.  Listen parents can not always tell why something is wrong, so use your words!  It’s been two years since she started the school.  Last year, she graduated from third grade.  In the town school system, 4th, 5th and 6th grades are in a different school.  I always start parent surveys with, “thank you to your town for allowing our daughter to attend your school system.” 

Next week, she starts 4th grade in a new school.  She isn’t very excited about California yet.  She has the new school butterflies.  She told me, “I am going to miss school, when I am in California.”   Jokingly, my husband and I say should we just enroll in school for a week in California.  Mostly, she is a social butterfly and doesn’t like to be away from her friends. 

Last note about finally leaving for California for the embryos to be transferred.  I AM SO EXCITED!  I pushing through my list of things to do to get to vacation.  It feels good to be alive and about to take a journey.  Hopefully, this journey will give us a joyous outcome.  If not, the cost of the program is for 3 cycles total within a year. We requested two embryos to be transferred.  I am hoping to get pregnant with both.   I have a bunch of people praying for us.  Some know the reason.  Others, I have said it’s an advance fertility procedure.  Most know, we have personal business to attend to.  After months of waiting, the day is finally almost here!  If only I could get my housework and paperwork done on time!