My head is caught in two places today. I grew up in a domestic violent home that the courts had to get involved with when I was 17 years old. I had the best mom. As my teen daughter grows older, I start remembering the court proceeding and the fear of being abused by my father. My mom helped me to grow my inner resilient being.
Over the past few years, I have anxiety the entire month of March. My father called me the case for legalizing abortion. My inner critic loves his voice. Today is Hope’s birthday. My husband’s family remembered. I checked my phone. No messages! My family had their birthdays in July and June. Literally, my aunt says have a good summer. Translation: I will call you on Labor Day. I have spoken to them. The response was, “you expect us to bend over backwards for you?” That message was uttered by several family members.
I had two children who died from rare diseases. I choose to try. Today is the day that I met the care team with agenda issues. It’s been 15 years later. I could have let it destroyed me. Their issues were with my brother not me. Back then, I never heard of gaslighting! Did you? I am slowly looking at my inner voice, my inner critic. The one who whispers it’s March and you will be forgotten again. I was the invisible escape goat! I had language disabilities and written language disabilities. My two daughters could never come home. Both died from a rare disease. I had kidney failure. Their child came home. I am working on re-parenting myself. My mom inspired me to do everything with in her ability through the historical time frame of her life. My brother and sister frequently told me to “shut up!” I am coming to terms that I was abused not only by my dad. A child with language difficulties needs to be told, “keep talking.”
A group of friends took me to Alateen. Granted neither of my parents were alcoholics. I got introduced to the 12 steps. I can’t thank them enough! Thank you for rescuing me!
My grief has changed. I am reading more. I do not grieve them. I grieve the love of a brother and sister I did not have. They never saw Joy. When Hope (my oldest rainbow, child after lost) was born the day stopped being about her. Some of the doctors had a past with my brother. They should have taken it up with him. He never talked to us. These people were verbally abusive towards me. It became a platform about how I didn’t matter! I need to learn more advocating for myself and my family. I joined co-dependents anonymous. I continued my 12 step journey. Someday, I hope March becomes a happy time for me to look forward to my birthday. Today if I am feeling I am being treated right. I go to the person. If that doesn’t happen, I bump it up.
Today is a celebration of Hope. Let it not be anything else! Today is about her! Happy 15th birthday Hope! I am keeping it short! That is my a lot time! Back to Hope!
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