A few weeks ago, I missed an OB GYN appointment due to being locked of my car. I had waited months for that appointment. Since having Joy, 14 months ago today, I had symptoms. Yesterday, I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner. I was anxious just getting there. I am thinking this is menopause. She listen to me and asked me to log my symptoms for a few months because I may need a uterine biopsy. I am like most cancer survivors. I thought this is cancer. Of course, I didn’t ask those questions.
Joy, our baby daughter, had a follow up for her recent coughing spell. All my thoughts were there. I stopped to the house in between appointments. I see black helicopters in the sky so I knew they were looking for someone. Just another day in US 100 most violent cities, I thought. They were looking for two men. I thought to myself, thanks for the reminder of the address change. There was a bigger storm that happened and I didn’t know it. It had nothing to do with Joy’s appointment because she was cleared. They said babies can have reactive asthma, which babies can grow out of. It’s a question mark if Joy has asthma. One more time, they will send me to a specialist. She is good for now. I was told to stop using the nebulizer.
All weekend long, I had this sense of dread. It’s been a long road to rebuild my relationship with my husband. I fell asleep early Friday. I have a lot of stuff to be done. It seems like one week to another, I never catch up. I was feeling very productive Saturday. I was up at early time. The dog was walked. The kids were asleep. Yes, I was going to do it today. My cell phone died. Five hours of holding buttons and hoping it would just turn on. Nothing, but finger cramps. I had to get a new one because the repairs cost more than the phone. The old one had several technical difficulties.
Since I had cancer treatment, I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I have these plans to fix it and all intentions. Something happens and I don’t get there.
We went to the type of phone store. I had promised my old phone to my oldest daughter, when she starts middle school next year. The plan was to get a new one at the right time. Now wasn’t it. I was highly stressed because things weren’t getting done. The phone store was not interested in the least to help me because I was trying to buy an new older model. For an hour, I heard “your next.” Worst of all, I called my cell phone provider and they referred me to a store in the mall that no longer existed. I was angry at this point. Our day was ruined by a cell phone. So, I called the one down the street from my house. They had the model I wanted. Free at last! All fixed.
I see these parents being very harsh on their toddler son and I said something to them. It almost caused a fight at the mall. I had no cell phone so I had to run into a store to alert security. We took the kids last second to a Halloween event. We rushed off to drop something at my aunts. I had an answer.
I got to the store and they had a model that I thought about getting. Last second, I told them that I wanted that phone instead. Well, unknown to me the only left was the floor model at full price. Then, they couldn’t sell me that model because they couldn’t get it off demo. So, I brought another version of my now old cell phone. After months of telling my husband to get a new one, because he got a cheap one, he got one too. We get home at 7PM with the kids unfeed. Now, I am really judging myself. Bad mother! I was brunt out about the day. On top it, I had cupcakes to make for the daycare party. So, I had Hope make them and just baked them. After the first batch, she tells me, “I used canola oil.” What a day. Sunday was no better. No one at the party ate the cupcakes after all that work. All these intentions and nothing happened the way, I planned. My neighbor had all family over I thought nothing of it.
Yesterday, I was obsessing about the needle biopsy of my uterus. Dr. Google found a way to comfort me of non-cancerous reasons. Yesterday, I see my neighbor in her driveway. I am going on and on about the black helicopters and telling her she shouldn’t hang outside. She asks me, “how come I never responded to her text.” She told me her husband died Friday and she texted me Saturday. It ends up, he hide he had bowel cancer for 2 years. He died from an infection. There is no text on my phone. I am without words. All weekend, I was in a grump of a mood over a cell phone and avoiding them, when the people I cared about were grieving and I avoided them. I stood there in tears and shock. Why didn’t this man tell us? Who gives a damn about a cell phone? Two teen boys lost their father. I sat up late last night without words. At the end of the day, who cares about what type of cell phone is in your pocket, where you live or what car you drive. I have had an odd relationship with my neighbors for years. Damn in the second when I needed something, they surprised me at times. Last Christmas Eve, we had to have the fire department at the house due to carbon detector and the fire place. She texted me, “do you need me to take the kids?” I am here at my house remembering the early moments of when someone dies… I don’t have the words for her. I can’t stop crying. I am going to try again to reach those goals. The new phone is acting up. Let’s put life in perspective, these are just things… Our real compassion should be for one another. Maybe if we had compassion for one another, we wouldn’t need the black helicopters. Maybe there wouldn’t be a list of the 100 most violent cities to live in