Monthly Archives: July 2015

Down To The Last Week Before Leave

I still haven’t finished all I wanted to do.  Next week, a friend and a peer are taking me out to lunch.  It must be a blessing to be 9 years old.  My daughter couldn’t stop itching last Monday/Tuesday.  Wednesday, my husband stayed home.  The rash was healed by Wednesday night.  Yesterday, I had to do the super shift before staying home today.  My OB GYN appointment needed to move.  After this week, I have weekly appointments.  What I do for a living is specialized!  It will never buy me a fancy house or car.  It is something, I deeply care about, helping others to improve their lives.  There is no benefits.  I have two jobs one with a hourly wage when I work it and one I only get paid like commission.

For the past few days, I have had to deal with our family medical practice for my daughter.  Last night, we had enough of trying to call someone.  I had to work part of the morning into the evening.  My appointment at the OB GYN was in the morning.  As much as I love what I do…  I wanted to sleep by 1PM.  This pregnancy is different.  I have made it to the third trimester three times now.  I had tons of energy.  Now, I need a nap after diner.  Then, I wake up tired a lot.  I am not sure if it is the gestational diabetes or what.  My body wants to sleep.  Could it be due to the cancer treatment?  The walk-in clinic looked at my daughter again.  They decided this rash was caused by a virus because it is healing fast not chicken pox.  The lab has not come back for chicken pox yet.

Life is so full just preparing the house and taking it one step at a time in this pregnancy.  I don’t track this pregnancy week by week because it helps my anxiety not to know the exact week due to all my losses.  Yesterday, my doctor said I was 35 weeks and measuring at 36 weeks.  It’s been stressful, I am trying to keep the asthma and gestational diabetes in check.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to move furniture with my asthma in the heat.  I did not have Asthma in the last two pregnancies.  It was something discovered after my breast cancer treatment.

My mother raised us kids to be very family oriented.  I lost my brother and sister due to addiction and other mental health issues.  My in-laws are gone.  My mother-in-law never acknowledged by email my birthday invite to Hope’s party or acknowledge the email where I gracefully declined the used baby items of my sister-in-law.  I still weep for this baby and my daughter.  A really bad choice of doctor at my daughter’s maternity ward separated me forever from my brother and sister.  I learned that day is not go with the popular flow of what others tell you.  Always trust your gut instinct about someone.  I felt terrible when I first met this person.  He almost had an feeling of evil to him, but I was told to trust him.  Every gut instinct that warned me was dismissed as I was being “paranoid.” Later it came to the surface that my brother had harmed him and he was seeking revenge. I try not to think of him…

My daughter’s birthday is next week, I look forward to see some of the parents of her friends.  It will also be hard because my in-laws will be there.  Last year, they clearly ignored me.  The genetic hunt for what killed our daughters destroyed so much.  I am trying to stay focused on what I have.  My in-laws treat the children as royalty.  For the mother, nothing.  Boy do they love their daughter’s ex-spouse!  I will not have my final stay at the happy maternity ward ruined.  During the sibling class, I did see there is a family room.  So if I get overwhelmed, I can go there.  They won’t stay forever, because my mother-in-law is a germ phobic person.  She told me last year that she wouldn’t go to my mammogram appointment or come with me to the West Coast, when my husband had to get a new job because of germs at the airport and hospital.  Things have been quiet as long as I don’t try to bring my connection to the spiritual level.  As long as I leave the relationship as a “to do list,” around the house  and cooperate as a co-parent, there are no arguments.  The second I feel the hole in my soul, an argument is brewing.  I live in cooperation for the sake of the children.  There is another meditation class that I am seriously considering on the North Shore, which meets the night before the party after my last work shift before I go on leave.  I am thinking this would helpful.


Just A Hurdle

As a breast cancer survivor, I try not to complain about the colds, stomach flus and all the in-betweens.  I don’t understand what is going on at this house.  I have scrub it several times.  Since mid April, someone gets something almost weekly.  In two weeks, I am going on maternity leave from both my jobs. August 8th is my last work day.  My daughter’s birthday is August 11th.  Every week, a cold or something happened, I am somewhat ashamed the nursery is not done.   However, it is not uncommon in infant/still birth for families not to finish the nursery until the anniversary time of the lost has past.  Since most of my losses occurred in the second trimester, I felt comfortable starting at the start of the third trimester.  Finally we have a C-section date.  My heart feels for this little one, I carry.  Years of genetic testing have destroyed several relationship.

I had an awesome baby shower/brunch with my friends the other day.  There is little extended family left for this little one.  My mother died.  There is no uncle or aunt on my side of the family anymore because they choose to side with some bad people, who call themselves professionals.  Our core family and my husband’s family operate like an functional divorce family.  His sister had three beautiful babies one miscarriage.  We lost so many babies.  When the breast cancer came, it was an official nail to the coffin between me and my in-laws.  There is a lot of who knew what when it comes to the information about the rare diseases.  My own daughter needs to be genetically tested for a disease that could at any point after the age of 22 destroy the quality of her life by making a non-cancerous tumor in her central nervous system.

I understand we are mostly on our own for this baby.  Monday, I almost had a war with my mother-in-law through my husband, because I spent a birthday invite to Hope’s party.  I don’t tell them that they are not welcomed.  Immediately, she calls my husband, who must have complained because we need to rebuy several baby items due to recalls and the damage the old cats made.  Months go by and she does not interact with me. She is coming to the hospital.  I do not discourage her son or her grand daughter from visiting.  All of a sudden, she wants me to look through the baby stuff of her other three grandchildren.  She stopped calling and caring in the middle of the losses.  I felt so isolated.  It was like a trade in.  She got rid of me for her successful daughter.  After having three kids, her daughter had an affair.  They are in the process of getting a divorce.  I have a hard time dealing with her.  She wouldn’t help us, when Addison was born still.  She refused to help when I had chemo.  I think she is mad at me, because I started calling her by her first name.  She refused to have her son and granddaughter over for Thanksgiving, Addison had died a week before hand, because she told me that she had plans.  During chemo, she told me it was not needed that she stays.  I got so badly ill in the middle of the night two weeks after chemo.   Mysteriously, she knew nothing.

Monday, Hope woke up with lots of anxiety.  She began to cry about not having friends in class last year.  It hit me as odd since school is a month and a week away.  She was sobbing.  Her art camp as art shows at 12:30 by the kids.  Parents are invited.  So, I tried to go yesterday.  I missed her performance due to being a few minutes late.  When I picked her later, she complained to me about bugs biting her in the middle of the night.  I came home and put all her bedding in the wash.  We are switching furniture around to make room for the nursery.  I told her to look at some stuff before I took it to the cellar.  Time went by.  Her room was a mess.  She had the biggest melt down ever, because I said clean it up.    She was so overwhelmed and anxious.  I found her laying down and crying in the shower that her parents didn’t love her anymore.  I noticed the, “bug bites” went up and down her arm.  Today, she went to the doctor’s.  They said it looked like chicken pox.  They did a blood test for Lyme Disease and Chicken Pox.  I was told to keep her home.  So, it felt like midnight, when I left the office.  Around 3, I realized we don’t have results from the blood tests and I don’t know if she can go to camp.  The nurse was not the most polite.  I felt like saying something like you wait until 3 to tell me she needs to be home for 5 days.  In two weeks, I am on maternity leave.  No apology.  She just repeated the same information that Hope can’t go to camp for five days until the blood tests come back.  All of sudden, I am scrambling for child care.  If they had told me this morning, I could have worked on it more.  It’s in these situations, I feel there is no family to back me up.  It brings back the loneliness and emptiness of the loss of my family.

Reflections and Memories of Infertility Treatment:

I have been meaning to write this blog for a while about the day that I learned my eggs were of low quality.  Today, it was a really good day.  I am finally celebrating the being a five years cancer survivor.  Today, my radiation oncologist told me in so words, “congrats, I am discharging you!”  It was a moment of great joy and sadness, people who work in the cancer field are special.  I am ecstatic, but sad as well saying good bye.  I also got confirmation the C-section will be one day off from the hospital.  All week, I wore my Lake George T-shirt to the gym.

So, the last week of August is usually the traditional week of our family vacation.  Two years ago, we had been trying IVF after cancer treatment.  Since I had IVF before cancer treatment, I was aware of the number of eggs being retrieved were low.  The RE appeared preparing us to discuss egg donation.  He had one last idea that we knew insurance would not pay for.  Here we were in Lake George somewhere, I noticed there is a voice mail message on my cell phone.  (Our cell phone provider stinks.) The name displayed is RE.  My heart sank.  They have my answer…  I knew this wasn’t going to be good.   Of course, here we are in our swim suits, no one has a pen.    The woman is directing me to call a different number on my voice mail.  So, I wrote it in lipstick on my hand.  The insurance declined the treatment plan.  I was sobbing so hard.   It was clear.  My worst nightmare was coming true.  My eggs were no good.  Now we needed egg and sperm donors.  We came home.  I woke up crying in the middle of the night.  I was trying to clean the house.  I couldn’t sleep anymore.  Our daughter and my husband wanted to go to the Red Sox game.  I am a well known as not a sports fan.  I have friends who think this this funny.  Our daughter begged us to go to a Red Sox game.  Yeah okay, I will go was my response.  Of course this was a big year since the Red Sox was heading to the Championship.

Back then, I was in a support group for cancer survivors.  It was only 3 days prior that I learned I most likely needed an egg donation.  One of the women, who was a cancer survivor found out she was pregnant.  She was texting the group her pregnancy complaints.  Finally after the 6th text, I finally texted them you know I can’t listen to this anymore.  It’s hurting too much.  One of the other women personally texted me and called me selfish.  The emotional pain was worst.  It was like the core of being was torn out and being eaten alive.  It even gets worst.  My friend who is a bit of snoop wanted to know my weekend plans are. I failed to answer him within 2 hours so I was getting angry text messages.  I had never been to a baseball game, so I was becoming claustrophobic on the bleachers.  The only comfort I had was my friend from Facebook in Michigan.  This game is going on and I am having a panic attack.  The Red Sox were winning and the crowds are chanting and going wild.  I am asking my husband, when is it going to be over.  I had gone back to smoking at this point.  I ran into some employees of the park.  I couldn’t hide the tears anymore.  They asked me if I was okay.  I told them I was having the worst day.  I called my friend and told him why I wasn’t responding.  He apologized.  After the game was over, I was waiting for my daughter and husband outside a store.  Two drunk male college students saw me from the back and started trying to pick me up.  When they realized how old I was, it was not good, but they left finally.  I had a social media account with people from the face to face world on it.  I began to use my other social media accounts more at this point.

Someone confided in me about starting IVF today.  I told her more of my story including this.   I think a few people know this story.  My daughter Addison was born still before Thanksgiving.  I was just given the okay to try again, when I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  One of the ideas an  the RE had was using a surrogate, while I was in cancer treatment.  I asked my husband’s sister who said no.  We respected her and understood.  When I was recovering from cancer treatment, months had gone by that I hadn’t seen his family.  I learned she had a baby girl and named the baby Madison about two weeks after the fact.  We were falling a part as a family that was the final straw.  Even today, I hear my in-laws have baby stuff from Madison and I get angry.  For 5 years, I had to hear this child’s name and my heart breaks.  It’s not the child’s fault.  It was like my pain didn’t matter.  Looked what she did while I was fighting to survive against breast cancer.  It was like being stabbed in the heart.  Honestly, I think it’s over between my in-laws and I.  We function respectfully as if a divorce has occurred.  I am not blood and they have been very clear about that.

The Great Due Date Misunderstanding

They changed my due date by a day again.  I started the last embryo donation process last fall.  Part of the process is to get the donor and the receiver on the same cycle through medication.  Technically speaking, I never got my menstrual cycle before getting pregnant.  The blood was considered a withdrawal bleed from coming off birth control.  This was a fresh cycle.  The egg donor had egg retrieval and I flew back out there for the embryo transfer.  That was twice in two weeks.  The first time was a uterine lining check by ultra sound.  It was a long way to go for an ultra sound from the East Coast to the West Coast.  It felt like this whole cycle was happening like my daughter’s pregnancy.  I asked the RE about what would be the potential due date.  My daughter was born August 11th and I was right it looked like a late August due date.  The donor’s retrieval did not go as planned.  It was delayed by 2 days.  The embryo transfer was delayed because it was a 5 days transfer (transfer occurred five days after conception.)  If you knew anything about the first plane trip, I needed to sleep due to plane delays, work concerns and trying to stay awake for my daughter’s Christmas activities.  I had 4 hours of sleep in 3 days.  I slept for the week.

In January soon after the holidays, the first day after vacation, I had a threatened miscarriage.  I choose to drive to the local hospital, because the other hospital was an hour away and I had never been there.  I have had 5 different types of pregnancy loss.  I saw the potential for a major car accident if I tried to drove to the other hospital.  Due dates are determined by the last day of a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The embryo was created by egg and sperm donation, so I took a mathematical guess based on what the doctor had told me during the first ultra sound.  The guess was a day off.  Not to scare anyone at times the baby measured too small by a day at varies times during the first trimester.  Fast forwarding to the second and third trimester, the baby measures exact or ahead of the due date.

Last May, they gave me a C-section date based off my incorrect math guess, which I told them repeatedly it was wrong, but since the baby was measuring 84% for a day earlier.   It was decided August 31st was correct.  This is indifference to the fact, I had an official document stating the due date was September 1st.  All of sudden, it became a huge deal that the baby was not going to be delivered at 39 weeks last week.  After months of developing plans for everything from pet sitting to child care for that day.  I was very disappointed.  Apparently, the document with the official due date was lost that I gave them.  So now the West Coast program needed to be called and they wanted to talk to the OB GYN’s office.  People kept asking me when I was due repeatedly.

This weekend, we started working hard on the nursery.  I cleaned out my mother’s bureau for the baby and did a load of baby wash.  My husband was outside with my friend from NH trying to install the pieces to fix the swing set.  They got two posts done.  Sunday, I worked.  Monday, I started pulling my daughter’s old baby stuff out.  I discovered my two senior cats had destroyed the old play-n-pack with the bassinet on it.   (Both cats died last year.) I tried to fix it, but it was gone.  I sat on the steps and cried.  There was no bassinet.  There was no C-section date.  This poor baby.  So, I got mad.  I called the OB GYN’s office, who I had not heard from since last Thursday, when my C-section date was taking away.  I let them know how hard this was for us in a dignified manner.  My daughter needed to be picked up from camp for her Ortho appointment. ( I didn’t know that kids go so often for the retainer. ) Happy news at the dentist office, we over paid for the retainer and the money needed to go back to us.  On the way home, I found a Play-n-Pack on sale for the baby.  The baby has a bed at least now.

It’s been slow putting the nursery together.  My last lost was at 31 weeks.  I did this with my daughter as well.  The last bedroom was decorated as a nursery for years.  Sadly, our daughter Addison was born still.  It became the computer room/playroom.  It’s been a slow process.  We have survived many disasters, the first bookcase was broken for my daughter and  the play-n-pack was ruined.  For three weekends in June/July, my daughter had something for dance school every weekend.   Thirteen years ago, we decided we wanted children and painted the cellar to create a multi- purpose room.   This clearing one room  is effecting the house globally.  My living daughter’s room is being updated at the same time.  Some of the furniture was meant for a small child in her room. We are switching out furniture between the two rooms.   Her room  looks like a preteen room.  There is so much work to clean up down stairs that at this point it has to wait until after my 6 weeks follow up appointment.  I am just trying to update my daughter’s room and put the nursery together.  The first weekend in August, we plan to pull the computers out.  We need to set up wireless WiFi.  God help us.  I am working at the hospital Saturday.  Some of my co-workers got together and are planning a shower for me on Sunday.

I did hear for the OBGYN on Tuesday.  They need to secure the day after the original C-section date.  She is not available that last week of August, but my daughter starts school that week.  When we pulled her last September for the first embryo donation cycle, she missed so much like pictures and running for school counsel.  She had to stay after and make up missing assessment tests.  It’s sad, but I think you can understand I need a date that is best for both children.  My daughter told me that she wants to spend time with the baby.  It would hurt her if we left her at school, while I had the baby.  The surgical coordinator is not available this week.  They are going to try to schedule the date for the following day.  I have repeatedly asked.  They are saying the baby is measuring great for either due date, but it’s a technicality of when the baby is 39 weeks.  There are tons of studies with safety risks and I get it.    I hope we hear from them soon…

Coming Home, Scheduled C-Section Delayed & Happy Anniversary Week

Last weekend was a nice family trip to PA with my daughter’s dance school.   My glucose was finally normal, because I stopped using my daily asthma medication.  We spent a day with the other families of the school going to various rides and activities before the girls went on stage to perform.  I had been struggling to separated our daughter from knowing an argument was going on about who we use for an insurance agent.  It had been weeks.  I tried to ignore the anger.  One day, it boiled over and I said it. My mother-in-law had a birthday the day before.  So the night before, I told them both to call them and wish her a happy birthday.  The phone conversation occurred around me, which enraged me.  I got the message that I didn’t belong in that side of the family.

Saturday was a tough day due to the heat, performance and crowds.  Friday, I was holding together and able to walk the park.  My body refused a second day. I am now in the third trimester.    My daughter had no patience.  First the performance was at lunch time.  The dance was performed in a all nylon outfit.  This year, we have seen an increase of performance anxiety with her.  She was hungry, hot and tired.  For the first time, I sat down and refused to move.

We left on Sunday.  My daughter went to her favorite doll store and got her favorite doll.   She is having a birthday in a month.  The doll store is far from our house, so I told her we would get it and put it away.  I could ordered it on the internet.  She loves to do these things in person.   I was so tired, I didn’t help drive home, I slept.  There is something I have been meaning to go to in New York City.  I looked around.  Twelve years later, I remembered the trip from New York before we lost our first daughter.  I asked to go home.

Monday, my daughter went to camp.  I had to meet with the nutritionist about the recent glucose spikes.  My husband and I spent the day apart due to different errands.  Usually, we have gone out and celebrated our wedding anniversary.  It was decided the daily asthma medication had cause the raise in glucose levels.    Tuesday, he decided to hire a new insurance agent and he sent flowers.   Finally, it was over…  In December, the new insurance agent will take over.

Thursday, I had an OB GYN appointment.  The day started with me being stuck in traffic due to a fatal car accident.  I was late for the nutrition study and late for the doctor.    My doctor approached me.  She said the C-section needed to be canceled, because they never got the paperwork from the embryo donation program on the West Coast confirming the due date.  She said something about the laws concerning scheduled C-sections need to occur exactly at 39 weeks of pregnancy.  She left for a few minutes and I began to think that something went wrong in the last ultra sound.  She told me nothing went wrong.    I was late for work because of everything.  The disappointment sat in.  Since May, we were given a date of the C-section.  It’s July.   I live every day around that date.  I just want to me this one!  I want to know is it boy or a girl.  Of course, I had 6 meetings scheduled straight through.   I was playing phone tag with the embryo donation program.  Is this true or does the doctor have something better to do that day and this is an excuse?  No matter how I explained it, the embryo donation coordinator wanted to speak to the OB GYN office.  People kept asking me how far a long are you?  Now I don’t know.  They did not call me on Friday.  I get angry and disappointed.  There was no call yesterday.  Today, I am home working in the baby’s room.  A friend is coming over to help repair the swing set.  I have no idea where I am in pregnancy.  The date I was given is gone.

We did go out and celebrate our anniversary yesterday by going out to eat with our daughter.  In 16 years, the following has happened to us.  We buried three babies.  We suffered recurrent pregnancy loss. We couldn’t get pregnant at times.  The breast cancer came.  We were hunted down by people, who had no empathy for us about loosing our first daughter due to a rare disease.  We were told that we were the “first” in the world.  It’s just been disclosed this year another rare disease may effect the health of our daughter and husband.   My husband was diagnosis with hearing loss.   I am hoping our family carries on.

Frustrated By Gestational Diabetes: PA & NY

I don’t want to seem like I am complaining.  For eight years, I have been dreaming of being pregnant and going to term.  Last week was able to hit my 31st week of pregnancy.  When I was 31 weeks pregnant with our first daughter.  She was born prematurely after an ambulance transfer from a local hospital to a Boston hospital.  She died a day after birth due to her rare disease.  The premature labor was caused by the weight of the amino fluid.  Babies do something important to keep the amino fluid from building up.  It’s called “practice breathing.”  Our first daughter’s lungs were considered behind in development.  The fluid in the uterus grew higher and higher.  My uterus guessed wrong that it was time to have the baby due to the weight of the amino fluid.  She was born premature.  I had a placenta abruption in progress.  The doctors did not see it until the emergency C-section.  If I had pushed and agreed to a vaginal birth, I may have waken up in the intensive care unit due to blood loss.  I insisted on the C-section to have time with my first daughter.  She lived a day.  Ironically in my stubbornness  to have a C-section for her, I may have spared myself in the process.

My living daughter was a C-section.  I fought to have a vaginal birth plan.  All these safe guards were put into place to stop preterm labor.  At 39 weeks and 5 days, I had my scheduled C-Section.  In my family, there are a lot of people with learning disabilities.  My daughter has no signs of learning disabilities.  Last fall, she was awarded in front of the school committee an outstanding award in Math.  She is in 4th grade and she has had straight A’s twice.  My biggest problem with her is getting her to RELAX. I have no high expectations.  I was born with a learning disability.  I struggled, but I had good grades.  This need to be ANXIOUS is…  okay it’s a combination of both her parents.  My husband was reading by age 3 according to my mother-in-law.

Let’s bring this all back to this current pregnancy.  At this point, I accept C-sections as a way to give birth.  Sadly my last daughter was born still vaginal before Thanksgiving by induction.  I wish I hadn’t done that.  I had only known C-section and I was traumatized by it.  I wanted to hold her and I would have been able to if it was a surgical procedure.

This baby will be delivered C-section.  I feel like I am giving the best way to the my currentbaby.  I joined this nutrition study to improve my life.  Never in a million years did I see myself becoming a gestational diabetic.  After my breast cancer treatment, I was diagnosis with Asthma.  It was tough to accept even more restrictions due to the gestational diabetes.  I admit to giving the nutritional study a hard time with their recommendations.  I accepted my life as a gestational diabetic.  I had normal glucose levels for weeks.  Then, I  learned someone decided not to support me on a decision that I expressed my heart and soul to.  We had not been close for years, but we “were” able to run the house in a partnership for years.  The following day after a chest cold at 3 something, I had a coughing and wheezing asthma attack.  I had no other choice but to use the rescue inhaler.  It was tough, because I had to run out to the driveway since I store it in the car.  I have lost bladder control to some extent.  I could tell the baby was terrified from the attack.

I went back to my daily asthma medications because I couldn’t do my gym routine.  A few days before the 4th of July, my morning fasting glucose spiked.  Every morning, it was high.  Every morning, I panicked.  My primary job with the kids has no benefits and it is commission style paychecks.  I love it! I didn’t learn the money back for sending my daughter to camp last week.  Last week was a big anniversary week for me of loosing my first at 31 weeks and an anniversary in of my last daughter’s pregnancy.  (She was born still.) I had to work to earn money at my hospital job.  I only had normal numbers one day.  My friend asked me to ask if the asthma medication was throwing it off.  I am still an advocate for this unborn child.  I kept trying and trying.  Nothing worked.  My daughter got a new bookcase, it was broken.  I am trying to get the nursery ready.  It’s still the computer room.  Sunday, my daughter tells me she has a sore throat.  So Monday of this week, we had a good ultra sound.  Yes, I get it my glucose was mildly high.  So, I left a note.  I am still the advocate for this unborn child.  I couldn’t reach the nurse.  Yesterday, I did and it was an ugly conversation.  I ended up feeling blamed and not listened to.  When I make a mistake, I tell people.  Yes, I screwed up a carb count, but not every day.    Yesterday, it was tough going to work.  My daughter was getting sicker, which makes me even more stressed.  I cried and cried hard after that conversation.  I got rid of all carbs and ate cheese sticks for snacks.  I have lost now 6 pounds since April.  My basic question was never answered.  Was this caused by the Asthma medication?

I had to take today off by the way, because my daughter was getting sicker.  I am thinking it is strep.  She lost her voice yesterday.  Today it was worst.  It’s not strep but a mild form of conjunctivitis.   Tomorrow the family is leaving for the amusement park in PA for the competition team to perform for a few days.  On the way home, we are stopping in NY for a shopping trip.  Monday, I need to go to see the nutritionist again.  She spoke to me and told me to tighten up on the carbs.  Nothing seems to make a difference.  I still don’t like I was blamed for it.