I still haven’t finished all I wanted to do. Next week, a friend and a peer are taking me out to lunch. It must be a blessing to be 9 years old. My daughter couldn’t stop itching last Monday/Tuesday. Wednesday, my husband stayed home. The rash was healed by Wednesday night. Yesterday, I had to do the super shift before staying home today. My OB GYN appointment needed to move. After this week, I have weekly appointments. What I do for a living is specialized! It will never buy me a fancy house or car. It is something, I deeply care about, helping others to improve their lives. There is no benefits. I have two jobs one with a hourly wage when I work it and one I only get paid like commission.
For the past few days, I have had to deal with our family medical practice for my daughter. Last night, we had enough of trying to call someone. I had to work part of the morning into the evening. My appointment at the OB GYN was in the morning. As much as I love what I do… I wanted to sleep by 1PM. This pregnancy is different. I have made it to the third trimester three times now. I had tons of energy. Now, I need a nap after diner. Then, I wake up tired a lot. I am not sure if it is the gestational diabetes or what. My body wants to sleep. Could it be due to the cancer treatment? The walk-in clinic looked at my daughter again. They decided this rash was caused by a virus because it is healing fast not chicken pox. The lab has not come back for chicken pox yet.
Life is so full just preparing the house and taking it one step at a time in this pregnancy. I don’t track this pregnancy week by week because it helps my anxiety not to know the exact week due to all my losses. Yesterday, my doctor said I was 35 weeks and measuring at 36 weeks. It’s been stressful, I am trying to keep the asthma and gestational diabetes in check. Unfortunately, it’s hard to move furniture with my asthma in the heat. I did not have Asthma in the last two pregnancies. It was something discovered after my breast cancer treatment.
My mother raised us kids to be very family oriented. I lost my brother and sister due to addiction and other mental health issues. My in-laws are gone. My mother-in-law never acknowledged by email my birthday invite to Hope’s party or acknowledge the email where I gracefully declined the used baby items of my sister-in-law. I still weep for this baby and my daughter. A really bad choice of doctor at my daughter’s maternity ward separated me forever from my brother and sister. I learned that day is not go with the popular flow of what others tell you. Always trust your gut instinct about someone. I felt terrible when I first met this person. He almost had an feeling of evil to him, but I was told to trust him. Every gut instinct that warned me was dismissed as I was being “paranoid.” Later it came to the surface that my brother had harmed him and he was seeking revenge. I try not to think of him…
My daughter’s birthday is next week, I look forward to see some of the parents of her friends. It will also be hard because my in-laws will be there. Last year, they clearly ignored me. The genetic hunt for what killed our daughters destroyed so much. I am trying to stay focused on what I have. My in-laws treat the children as royalty. For the mother, nothing. Boy do they love their daughter’s ex-spouse! I will not have my final stay at the happy maternity ward ruined. During the sibling class, I did see there is a family room. So if I get overwhelmed, I can go there. They won’t stay forever, because my mother-in-law is a germ phobic person. She told me last year that she wouldn’t go to my mammogram appointment or come with me to the West Coast, when my husband had to get a new job because of germs at the airport and hospital. Things have been quiet as long as I don’t try to bring my connection to the spiritual level. As long as I leave the relationship as a “to do list,” around the house and cooperate as a co-parent, there are no arguments. The second I feel the hole in my soul, an argument is brewing. I live in cooperation for the sake of the children. There is another meditation class that I am seriously considering on the North Shore, which meets the night before the party after my last work shift before I go on leave. I am thinking this would helpful.