Monthly Archives: June 2017

Frustrated

Summer was not off to a smooth start.  Joy, my youngest has toddler diarrhea.   My oldest will be going to see more specialists about her liver enzymes off and her vertigo.  We can not afford to move to the town where my daughter goes to school.  I work two jobs.  One made promises to accommodate my needing to get and pick up my oldest from school.  I am not seeing the paperwork going through.

Joy needs to be at a new daycare.  In the 17 months she was at the same one,  she had 5 different lead teachers.  I have witness one toddler push her to the ground repeatedly.  Her last day, the written was on the wall.  My oldest didn’t want to go to an art camp.  So, I hired someone who worked for the school system to babysit both the girls at a flat rate.  This person is worth more than I can afford.  Childcare takes over half my pay to pay.  I work in human services, so I can expect to earn between $30,000 and $40,000 full time.  Remember, I have been doing this 14 years.  I love the field.  I give up dreams of being rich.  I work about 30 hours per week. After fighting cancer, infertility and infant loss, I am spending time with those two girls, who I fought so hard for.

I can go to one job and quit the other. I will loose $200 a pay period.  I am trying so hard to get our family out of the 100 most violent cities in America.  There is a price difference between the city I live and the town Hope goes to school.  If I sell this house, we need a bigger mortgage to get in that town.  Chances are after all this hard work to fix my house, we can only afford a fixer upper.  We have been painting the kitchen.  We are literally tripping over stuff to remodel.  My house needs a few remodeling expenses like a new bathroom to sell it, which we can’t afford.

I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is no public transportation between the town my daughter goes to school in and where we live.  I don’t think she is quite ready to stay home by herself.  I work too far away to take a lunch break late and go pick her up.  If she returned to our city schools, she would be badly bullied.  One job is open to split shifts.  The other job made promises the paperwork didn’t show up.  When I try to talk to them, they just say it’s too far away.  That job requires a two month notice.  I sent them an email saying I need to know now.  I find myself struggling with between finances, work and parenting responsibility.

Yesterday was my daughter’s recital. I decided to reach out to my in-laws.  I finally told them how much I earn for a living and the costs of childcare.  These guys come with a warning sign, “emotionally out of order.” For years, they have caring for free my sister-in-law’s kids, who is a high paying nurse. Her former spouse scammed thousands of dollars from them.  She is their favorite.  My father-in-law pissed me off.  He said to me, “your mother did it and you will too.” Swears flooded my brain but the kids were there.  My mother died a horrible death.  She left me in care of my siblings who were abusive.  So, once again, they are not available.

This weekend has been stressful.  After many years of fighting infertility, I am very aware of my length of cycle.  It didn’t come.  I said is this a joke?  I found myself day dreaming of an accidental pregnancy, which is impossible.  Today, we tried to start a dog walking group.  No one showed.  I have been having so many difficulties with heavy bleeding and long cycles.  Last month, I made it a point to try to sleep at least 7 hours per night.  I also took vitamins. People have been telling me that I sound perimenopausal. I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I flunked in the accidentally pregnancy accident department.  I found myself grieving again. I began to fantasize it was menopause and the nightmare of heavy bleeding was over.    Four days late, guess what came today.

My brain is tired from crunching the numbers.  I am worried about my relationship with others.  There is no afterschool program for Hope, who is going into middle school.  That’s about $50 per week we save.  Today, I paid the deposit for Joy to start a home daycare program that follows the school year.

Money is money.  People can never be replaced.  We have food to eat and a home.  Everyone is healthy that I am aware of.  The mother of Hope and Joy is going to have hope that an answer prevails soon and joy returns to the home.

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Hope For The Best! Literally!

Monday, the phone rings.  More worry.  Now my 11 years old daughter Hope needs an abdominal ultrasound because her liver enzymes are off again.  I start freaking out. My person who is constantly inconstant is constantly inconstant.  He took Hope to the doctors during the groin injury.  Who knows what was said.  couldn’t give me 20 minutes sober to hear me out.  Again, I tried and he didn’t respond.  I sign up for a stress reduction day.  My heart is broken.  After 20 plus years of my life, you can’t find 20 minutes.

He couldn’t give me 20 minutes sober to hear me out.  Again, I tried and he didn’t respond.  I sign up for a stress reduction day.  My heart is broken.  After 20 plus years of my life, you can’t find 20 minutes.  I feel no more guilt about taking a day for myself.

Last night, I went to bed late.  My eyes opened at 5AM.  My anxiety is very high right now.  I am not sure what to do about my work schedule for my oldest Hope to go to middle school.  I am worried about the latest blood labs with her.  Her APL is high.  Bone disease?  A few articles mention rare disease and my anxiety is up.  It’s a burden to bear, when you are the only documented family to carry another rare disease.  My sense of safety is low having lost two children.  Hopefully Hope is okay.  I hope I am panicking for no good reason.  Trust Ellen? I am trying.  She has an abdominal ultrasound Monday and she sees a regular doctor Tuesday.

https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/alp/tab/test?gclid=CI-npIuss9QCFcONswodN2QDjw

Asinine With A Capital A: VSP Plan

Tuesday, the bump was removed from my ear.  It did not hurt going out as the biopsy. The bump on my ear may have been caused by my eyeglasses.  Wednesday, I wore my contacts.  My eyes dry up quick and get irritated.  Wednesday morning, my eyes are stinging on the way to work.  I take out my contacts to put a solution in.   At some point, I realize my left contact is not in.  I am on the floor on hands and knees for over an hour.  I call my eye doctor’s office.  Drive here and we will give you a new one.  I am at work 15 miles away.  I have to find an optical shop to buy one contact lens in the area of my workplace that  I could walk to.  Not one place was willing to help because I am not a patient.  I put the one lens in a dixie cup with some solution.  I was getting a major headache due  to the world one eye perfect.  This is another point in my life where I feel no one is there.  I did my job blind.  I can’t see the time.  I ran late.   It screwed up my day and my client’s day.

Of course, Wednesday was car seat installation day.   We had to buy a new one to gave the old one to the babysitter for the summer. 3/4 of my pay goes into child care for the summer for both the girls, when school is out.  It’s a placeholder for my job. So, I could only figure out to make myself an eye patch with paper and an elastic band to drive home on one contact lens.    I took the back roads home.  I drove straight home to get my eyeglasses, then the girls, drive through for dinner and straight to the police to have the car seat installed.

Today, the doctor calls. The pathology report indicates the bump on my ear was caused by pressure by either my glasses or the way I sleep.   There’s a  risk for the bump to return.   I suffered with it since mid-April.  The bump hurt.  It throbbed!  So, I called to see if I could get a new pair of eyeglasses.  I am due in October for glasses.  I was told that I couldn’t get glasses paid for through the plan.  Are they kidding?  Just buy another pair and get 20% off.  LISTEN 3/4 of my PAY IS GOING TO CHILD CARE THIS SUMMER!  I seriously doubt I afford to pay 20% off as I will be just barely taking home a quarter of my pay after childcare every 2 weeks.  There is a mortgage, a birthday party for the girls and a conception bill for my daughter’s embryo donation.

Meanwhile, it looks like I still need to figure out how to incorporate working around my oldest daughter’s school schedule at middle school.  IT IS EXTREMELY TOUGH WHEN IT IS YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND.   Where is this village that people talk about to raise a child?  Did I get gypped a village?   Two summers ago, I was mentally prepared to enter my own C-section alone, because my mother-in-law was trying to bail on watching my oldest as I gave birth.  We never ask for her to care for our children.   I wish I had this family/village to help.  Unfortunately, my mother died from some form of dementia.   We live in a city on a list called the 100 most violent cities in America. I keep trying to get my girls out of here.  IT’S THE EYEGLASSES, THE CO-PAYMENTS, GAS FOR THE CAR etc… that keeps us from buying another house and moving.  It’s like which came first the chicken or the egg. How do we get out, when bills are piling?  I could work longer if my oldest could walk home from school.  The houses in that town cost way more than my current house is worth.  I am upset and stressed.

Broken Heart:

I am suppose to be up starting the kitchen painting.  I just don’t want to paint.  It’s been about a year and a half of remodeling. My cycle came up extremely heavy and I bled heavy for 5 days, I am worried I am a little iron low.  My ear cyst gets removed Tuesday and I have been making sure iron is in my diet.

I am sad today.  For 4 years now, I have been struggling to make things right with someone.  Last December, I made some choices.  No one knows.  I am not 100% innocent on these matters.  I got talking to an old friend about how I would cut this person off completely if I could.  I told my friend I remember who he is.  He lives in active addiction.  He is not violent or out driving under the influence.  I would like to cut him off  and scare him straight to himself.  I try this once and my daughter was crying and begging him to stay.  I finally gave in. I am not really asking him to leave.  I want our relationship to remain.

Due to my choices, I have made a new friend, who has been extremely helpful.  My depression appears a lot better lately.  It is hard to smile, when you bleed 20 days average a month.  I have been really trying to sleep more because they think this connected to this.  My only remaining choice is going to raise my daughter’s anxiety.  I struggle because there maybe permanent ramifications for the intervention.  I asked for 20 minutes of his time without him being under the influence without the kids.  First night, he drank.  So, I said tonight will be the night and reminded him.  It was getting late, I thought I was in the clear.  I went to speak to him and that familiar smell was in the room.  I can’t do this tonight.  So, I got angry and told him so.  The matter got twist into  let’s talk about me smoking.  I was mad and left.  I sat starring into space in the living room.  My heart broke.  So, I have been anxious about this part of my life.  I survived cancer and buried two babies.  This is an old saying, “life is too short.” I am going back to the 12 steps.  I tossed for a bit last night.  I am a professional.  I should have the answers.  I don’t.  I need a different work schedule to  accommodate my daughter.  It feels like one of jobs has changed their minds.  I may need to quit next month.  I would loose more money.  So a lot has been on my mind.  As I often say, both kids and adults are healthy, I do have gratitude.  I need to start painting before work! I will keep praying and saving money quietly.  The intervention if it goes down will happen in the fall.