Monthly Archives: July 2016

Truly Sad For My Daughter Hope

As a child, my birthdays were times when my father would abuse me more.  A friend committed suicide around my birthday.  Then there is all the people who continuous forgotten it every year.  My first daughter died in my arms a day after she was born.  When my living daughter Hope was born, I had these visions of big birthday parties.  Her life was going to be so different.  First birthdays, my siblings would never come.   My husband and I went to all their kids birthdays without issues.  Every year there has been another problem with Hope’s birthday.  Last year, my parents in-laws decided they weren’t going.  I want her birthdays to be so special.  Then, when Hope was about 4 years old, I got breast cancer.  My arm was badly swollen due to the lymph node surgery.  I moved furniture and worked around it.  Only a few came because of it.  My mother-in-law promised to help.  She just showed up the time of the party.  Last year, I said enough is enough.  I told Hope to just invite a few friends out for an activity.  I struggle with the neglect and verbal abuse of my father.  He told me that I ruin his life just being born.  I told the few mothers about the activity during the first week of August.  When the invite went out, all them had other plans.  Finally, I told Hope, we need to cancel.  No one was coming and I was going to put her through that.   One was giving me suggestions around her schedule.  I am pretty heated about it.  Once again, the message is you are not a priority.  I agreed to one girl’s party and I would just cancel about now.  It’s been a tough summer of fighting with the house.  I would love to be somewhere else.  I just don’t know when our family is going to be treated with respect and kindness.  Okay so we aren’t wealthy and we don’t have a huge family backing, we are real with feelings.  After all this…  Why should I make their daughters events a priority?  Really, you know that child has no other family.  Please why should I rearrange my schedule for you?  I did take Hope’s birthday off and we are going away to an expensive hotel with a waterpark.  It isn’t like she is not having a birthday.  Due to all the issues with Hope’s birthday, we are not throwing any outsider birthday parties for Joy, our baby.  I have had enough.

Our Wedding Anniversary

We had been distant for so long. It really helped to hire a babysitter and go out. A sense of connection returned. This past year, I have been so anxious about our marriage being over. It isn’t. I wished I had reached out sooner. I got to bring back some traditions such as the stuff chicken diner and spending time together. Unfortunately, due to the weather, we never got to the park we were married at. Just a reminder, Ellyn just say something if something is going wrong. Hopefully, we will heal.

Us?

I look at my current family photo. I am so proud of my daughters. I would include my cats, my dog and my ferret are apart of our family. (Sadly, our ferret has cancer. We are hoping for the best.) About 3 years ago, the erosion occurred. We were as happy as we could be in the spot light, but two ship passing in the night privately. My husband’s sister was seeking a divorce. I no longer spoke to my in-laws after repeated arguments over helping us or having another child. They were strongly against me having another child. I got tired in breast cancer treatment of hearing the word “no.” His sister heard “yes and yes.” Last year the day of my scheduled C-section, we ended up in a huge argument over child care for my oldest daughter Hope. We were together on paper. Not together spiritually. I sat at a zoo on the hottest day of the year with ace bandages wrapped around my feet and legs. My feet were so swollen that I couldn’t fit shoes. I needed flip flops. I sat there while the angry texts came in and my 10 year old accused me of being “mean” to her grandmother. I was so sad, I couldn’t cry. The morning of Joy’s C-section, I was an hour late because I ran into computer problems while posting for a good job because it seemed like it was ending.

At some point, I decided not to hold the secret of our drifting quiet anymore. I reached out and even told my OB GYN, who was concerned about birth control. Then, I started telling him. In this past year, I see such growth in me. I was ready to start my own journey if needed. Is that what I wanted? Me and the girls alone? I have only contact with my aunt. Another loss? We survived infertility, the losses of babies and pregnancies, breast cancer and to separate over a fight about a hearing test? I finally had to learn more about the non-cancerous brain tumor, which my mother-in-law had, because my oldest daughter’s health was on the line. The more I read, I learned personality changes were possible. Enough! Whatever has happened has happened. I saw my daughters suffering from the bickering of adults. Somehow I needed to find peace.

Are we over? The house has been a huge challenge for us this year. All those things broke. We were ignoring problems with the house for money for fertility treatment . I am still working on the mold problem. Finally, he hired a babysitter and arranged it. The night before because the dog needing out was mentioned a huge fight erupted. We did go out. We are celebrating 17 years on the 17th. Hopefully, we can rebuild. As for a relationship with my in-laws, they are who they are. I had another child against they wish. They appear to have welcomed her although she did not come through the same process of the oldest. He loves her. She loves everyone. So I find myself on a path of reunion and peace within my ability.

Sadly, I got confirmation my biological father has died, when I was looking at information on my brother’s son. I didn’t get a chance for peace. It was not possible due to reasons about my girls being safe. The night before the recital, my daughter’s and my husband’s anxiety was so high over the father and daughter dance. It happened without a hitch. I was tired because I have been sleeping very little to get the house done. Diner with the in-laws was okay. I learned to keep it light and friendly, which is not easy. It felt like they were digging for a fight. We asked them for help again with moving next year. I braced to hear no again. They agreed to it. I think I need to keep it friendly.

August is both the girls birthdays. Every year something would happen at my oldest daughter’s birthday. Birthdays are a sore subject with me. My father literally counted down the years until he legally could leave and he verbalized it. It is really hard on me seeing the some type of emotional abuse towards my girls. So, I told Hope, pick out an activity to do with a few friends. I agree to an overnight at an expensive hotel for with a waterpark she has been hoping for. I am not going to have birthday parties for Joy. I m going to wait until she asks me for one. Of course our family will celebrate it. I can’t stand the emotional rollercoasters of birthday parties. Who is coming. Who will no show. Who will send a gift in December, when they have August birthdays. This year, we are keeping it simple.