Monthly Archives: November 2016

Clarity In The Journey Of Healing

Sometimes you want to make a choice based on your feelings of isolation and sadness.  I spent the weekend in reflection.  For weeks, I worked extra hours and we planned this weekend.  I was able to spend 3 hours with my In-laws without the rage in me taking over.  Our baby had a restless weekend due to teething and I think needing to eat for a growth spurt.  I felt like the mother of a newborn again.  I wrestled in my private thoughts about decisions and making the right choice.  I weighed out the pros and cons.  This morning, my first thought was I need to stop this.  All those nights of struggling with decisions and being sleepless ended.  My personal demon was put back in the box.

I noticed how quick I am to judge myself and how I am capable of negative thoughts.  This weekend was crazy due to the lack of sleep.  I rushed to put up the holiday decorations.  I finally was able to get the cell phone I wanted.  We forgot the play pack for Joy to sleep in.  The hotel had one.   I was so tired that we ran out of milk and I woke up to Joy screaming.  So in the middle of the night, we found a 24 hour gas station.  I heard myself say,  SLOPY PARENTING ELLEN!  Mistakes happen. Actually, Joy is old enough that she slept between Hope and I fine. At 5AM, she did.  It had been a long night of trying everything.   I couldn’t sleep again.  My agenda was filled too high.  We had the best time in difference to our problems with organization.  As the years go by, I am finding I am able to let go more sometimes.  Finally, the new siding on the house happended.  Today is the last day.  I am in anticipation how it is going to look.  It’s so cold now.  We can’t paint the doors and other areas to accent that new color.  It’s Monday.  What a mess of Thanksgiving decorations, unpacked bags and Christmas decorations!  I am working a few hours tonight and tomorrow.  Hope has a bunch of activities next weekend, so I took another weekend off.  I still don’t have sick or vacation time.  I am at least putting money aside in case the kids get sick or I need time off.

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7 Years Ago Today Addison became An Angel

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I look at this picture of Addison and my heart is filled with love.  Today is the 7th anniversary of Addison becoming an angel.  She was born quietly into the world.  I started this post and I must have lost everything written before.  There were many losses in my life from 2009 to 2010.  A piece of my heart stands still on her lost.  It holds her in quiet vigil.  Who would she be today?  My mind wanders.  Our family’s hearts broke.  Sadly, we did not know we were carriers of this rare disease called Campomelic Dysplasia.  We went to all the doctor appointments and prayed.  What do you say to the first family?  No one knew or predicted this.  Sweet Addison….. We love you…

Please join me in a prayer for her.  Please let them find more answers for all the rare diseases.  Please let awareness spread on how sad infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is.  Please allow families to grieve as they need.  I hope families with children with rare disease as shown love and compassion.  Please let us find an answer to cancer.  May Addison’s parents (My husband and I) continue to grow.   May we find peace with our extended families.   May her sisters on Earth become who they are intended to b.  May they dreams come true.  May Addison hears us utter her name today and may she know that she is loved.  May the babies I could not bring home know all them are loved forever.  Amen!

PS- I had to work today.  We will be going out as a family to celebrate her life after work.

Mom’s Weekend Out: The Holistic Fair

The wisdom I have learned from my disaster with the lost of my daughter, breast cancer and my mother was to stop expecting others to meet my guidelines. This is not as easy as typed. Someone in my life seems to be shut down for many years after the genetic test results have come back. So, I knew Thanksgiving time was tough. We argued so much over money, that I was anxious about loosing a day’s pay. So, I accidental scheduled myself for 6 days in a row. Life is gradually improving. The house is livable and manageable. My life quality goes up and down. I can not be out on his non-work nights, which angers me. We are divided yet managing. I start verbalizing the sadness. My friends have left. I am going on four years of searching for peace with this relationship where I feel utterly ignored.

I don’t know if he knows it’s the anniversary of Addison’s death. Communication is slow. He lost his hearing. I am trying to accept what is. I need other adults and it seems I have lost many friends. However, if I pretended to be happy… Maybe, I would have more.

The holistic fair was a great time. I wanted to stay there. I learned what I suspected through doctors will never confirm this. I have often felt the isolation and depression about my recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility created the breast cancer. When Addison died, a few told me I could never discuss this. My triumphant moment was finding a way out from these individuals. Although, I could not public list her lost at the time, later an article was ran in our local newspaper about my survivorship and her lost. One workshop connect stress, trauma and cancer. I felt my tears begging for me to cry, but I didn’t. Tomorrow, I am going out again on a conference about bereavement. There is a piece of me that died. There is a piece of me that was born. This is a piece of me growing. Every now and then, I see a glimmer of hope that maybe we will grow again.

At first, I didn’t want anyone there with me. Then, I saw a few families and began to miss my own. Cellar Service did not always work. So, I called and invited the family to come. My 11 years old and he said no. So it shock me when they came. 12 phone calls later, I took an educated guess and found them eating. I didn’t get to go to every workshop, I wanted that day. I got some family time. At least I know that I am not utterly ignored. The ones I went to are going to be reflections for a long time. I have handouts to review. This is the anniversary of Addison’s death coming up. It’s so easy to get negative quick. This week, I am going to focus on one step at a time. Once again, I over schedule myself to work six days straight. I will get there. I am not talking about working. I have a feeling that I am growing into someone. Let check in. I held that anger about my personal no show list for years. It’s starting to grow into a new experience. I learned I am strong and need to continue to work on being independent. I shut down to the universe trying to have that baby. Sadly, I see some of the same behaviors in Hope. Be passive aggressive. Say nothing. I changing me and hopefully Hope will change if she wishes it.

My Views Of The Election

Tuesday into Wednesday of last week, my head was spinning with all this energy in the universe about our election. Honestly, I was disappointed in both parties and their prime candidates. I showed up and wrote a name in to make sure our state had all it’s electoral delegates. We really don’t vote for the actual president. This blog is going to be fast because the universe snapped me back into reality. First, our oldest daughter express feeling fearful of violence. It made me reflect on previous generations. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s with all these movies about the USSR sending the bomb. I was raised by my mother who was 5 years old, when Pearl Harbor and World War II happened. She spent kindergarten in an air raid shelter worrying the Germans would kill her mother. She repeated kindergarten a few times. My neighbor down the street was a Greek World War II orphan. Neither her parents or baby sister survived in Turkey. She lived with German soldiers in her house. She was the captain’s favorite because she looked like his daughter. Later after the war, her family in Greece decided to send her to America. She spoke no English in a intolerant time. In the mist of the universe swirling about the election, here I am looking up facts about World War 2. My oldest said to me, “enough Mom.” I find wisdom and warnings in human history.

Two signs of warnings occurred that night, Buddy Brian had been dry for months from his doggie separation anxiety. I am sitting on the futon. He gets up and pees on me. Then he jumps off and pees on my husband and baby Joy. Obliviously, Buddy was feeling the emotions. Perhaps, he thought the beagle pee would help. Joy was having a terrible fussy day.

This is my background relationship with TV. After my first daughter died, I found the TV overstimulation for me. It provoked my anxiety to see other families loose a love one. For years, my mental ill father would slam the TV. Many fights about politics occurred at home. I never got involved because these behaviors drove me off.

I am deep in thought about what this means to the universe. Many of my followers on social media are not from the US. Addiction is an epidemic and mass shootings are a world wide problem. So here is my question for the universe. First, where are we going as a human race? Second, what makes a good leader? For the second question, I am drawing wisdom from the 12 steps, which remind us all that we are living beings with flaws. We need to start holding these parties accountable for these prime candidates. We need to start having a conversation about what we want to have for world leaders. Our children an our selves deserve better.

The universe dragged me my energy back to reality. Wednesday afternoon, I was called to daycare. My daughter, who is 14 months was throwing fits in the doctor’s office. I brought her home. She refused to be held. She was in child’s pose screaming. I felt helpless. She got meds, but these things take time. I rubbed her back and spoke to her softly. (I wish I could scream.) Later, she was eating and it’s was over. The longest 3 hours of my life. Just the universe reminding me, my family is important.

I understand demonstrations and protests are going on. I hopeful these remain peaceful. The other generations and the world is watching. I hope people will continue to keep the peace. No view is worth a life and a grieving family.

November Memories: Storm Brewing

This weekend was better. For years now there has been a growing coldness of separate rooms and unspoken problems. During my pregnancy, I began to tell the truth. There is no safety issues here. Just broken hearts and emotional coldness. It started when I picked up his hearing was failing. I was called a number of names. After the death of my daughter, breast cancer and my mother’s death, I shut down. I was on the search of how to get pregnant again. It consumed my life. He struggles with the truth of the lost of our daughters. Every night, it is bottled up and he drinks it down. Sometimes we are housemates and co-parents with legal obligations. This weekend I was really looking forward to a meditation. I asked a friend’s mother to have Hope sleep over. What to do with Joy? That’s the reason, I never went. Sunday morning, I woke up and spoke my truth. I can only work on his work nights because I don’t know if he is okay. I have had to turn away friends with invites, because I need to be home. I left after speaking my soul. Hope dragged her feet because she didn’t want it to be over. I come home and it’s business as usual. He has not said one thing. I speak and I am not heard. I cry and I am muffled. Perhaps this is another good bye in my life. I have said so many. I can’t leave. I want love, but there is whatever is…

Yesterday, we took Hope, my oldest for her last trick treating maybe. In one sense, I speak toddler and puberty okay. Through, Hope may argue not. As they grow, I say goodbye to infant carriers. Sesame Street is back. Then, on the other hand, we are getting ready to say hello to middle school. I hear a lot, “no mom.” I am not talking about the toddler either. I am working to raise these two girls into womanhood.

Life is not over by any means. Here I am typing this and my phone rings. So, I bring up the conversation with him. Oh yeah, I heard you. Okay, well, it’s been a slow progress with us. I am a part of the problem at home. I pulled the covers over my head a few years ago. Now, I am running to catch up on all those areas that I put on hold until the baby came. Well, she is here. What’s next? November started the series of losses. It’s another year that Addison my baby died. I agreed to work all next weekend to have a whole weekend off to go to a fair. I need Strangely enough, I was suppose to go to this fair last year. I feel in love with a beagle named Buddy. He is now Buddy Brian. I had the ticket, but I never went. I had just adopted my dog last year. We started going away at Thanksgiving because it hurt so bad. This year, we confirmed reservations with our in-laws, which was a tradition at one point. With the dog, going away is not so easy. I will have 5 days off, which I need. I am brunt a little. All the holidays are on Sundays. I will need to work the entire weekend before, so I can be home for Christmas. New Year’s Day is a tradition that I work. I am also still per diem at two hospital programs. I am getting those experiences to figure out what I The color of our house was picked. I will be working some extra hours to pay for it all. Just Monday nights. Whether we move or not is up in the air. I am walking with Hope it all works out. I am happy to be here. After years of waiting for that opportunity to make a baby, it’s time to let go and grow.