Sometimes you want to make a choice based on your feelings of isolation and sadness. I spent the weekend in reflection. For weeks, I worked extra hours and we planned this weekend. I was able to spend 3 hours with my In-laws without the rage in me taking over. Our baby had a restless weekend due to teething and I think needing to eat for a growth spurt. I felt like the mother of a newborn again. I wrestled in my private thoughts about decisions and making the right choice. I weighed out the pros and cons. This morning, my first thought was I need to stop this. All those nights of struggling with decisions and being sleepless ended. My personal demon was put back in the box.
I noticed how quick I am to judge myself and how I am capable of negative thoughts. This weekend was crazy due to the lack of sleep. I rushed to put up the holiday decorations. I finally was able to get the cell phone I wanted. We forgot the play pack for Joy to sleep in. The hotel had one. I was so tired that we ran out of milk and I woke up to Joy screaming. So in the middle of the night, we found a 24 hour gas station. I heard myself say, SLOPY PARENTING ELLEN! Mistakes happen. Actually, Joy is old enough that she slept between Hope and I fine. At 5AM, she did. It had been a long night of trying everything. I couldn’t sleep again. My agenda was filled too high. We had the best time in difference to our problems with organization. As the years go by, I am finding I am able to let go more sometimes. Finally, the new siding on the house happended. Today is the last day. I am in anticipation how it is going to look. It’s so cold now. We can’t paint the doors and other areas to accent that new color. It’s Monday. What a mess of Thanksgiving decorations, unpacked bags and Christmas decorations! I am working a few hours tonight and tomorrow. Hope has a bunch of activities next weekend, so I took another weekend off. I still don’t have sick or vacation time. I am at least putting money aside in case the kids get sick or I need time off.