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Ever After Infertility Treatment: Frustrations Lately

I did get a job with the private agency part time.  I thought about it.  After 8 years of infertility treatment, time with my daughters come first.  The agency was hiring for both part time and full time positions.   I started last week.  The commute is something to grow use to.  I am no longer in a little city near RI.  My new job is where I grew up next to Boston.  It’s been something to figure out the best route to get the kids.  By time, I get the kids my commute is an hour and forty-five minutes.

My birthday was two weeks ago… I had a tough weekend.  I stupidly went back to smoking cigarettes.  My feelings of isolation and loneliness get to me really bad.  I am not contact with brother and sister due to their active addictions and anger management issues.  Sometimes, I miss them.  I start to cry. Why I don’t celebrate my birthday….  I was reading articles and one talked about being “disappointed by others.” The negativity was bad that day.  My oldest daughter surprised me with a card on Joy, when sleeping.  My aunt forgot my birthday.  Her I forgive.  She has 17 nieces and nephews on her side of her family alone.  I started sobbing. My mother-in-law graced me with a call.  She also agreed to go to Hope’s summer camp family days, since I will have a new job.  Problem is with her is will she follow through.  I missed the babies that I lost and my mom.  All of sudden the lights went out.  In November, we had electrical problems with the house.  Well, it came back.  This time, our stove died.  We aren’t talking just get a new one.  Our 60 year old oven was built into the cabinets.  Here was the problem, the cabinets would have needed to be cut for us to have a free standing stove.  Almost two weeks later, the stove was installed yesterday.

For all those eight years of infertility treatments, we gave up a lot.  This house was suppose to be a starter home.  We started working on the house and stopped to have kids.  As the bills piled up, we put off the home improvement projects.

A year after my diagnosis with breast cancer, a spot on my lung was discovered because I was coughing up blood.  It was nothing.  However I began to read about dangerous flooring.  My husband and I tried to install our own floor.  It started coming up the new floor.  The plan is to sell the house after all infertility bills are paid off.  I put my foot down, because I felt it needed to be done.  We have been working with the contractors.  Major water damage was discovered to the bathroom floor subfloor.  We were told many things.  One was to get a restoration team in.  We have a consult for tomorrow.  He talked about people dying from black mold.  It made me so upset.  Saturday night, I went to bed at 3AM.  Sadly because I am 40 something, my mother has died.  My husband’s family is not interested in us at all.  I sat there watching Joy sleeping wanting to cry.  So much money went into having her.  We can’t afford a hotel or go live with a relative.  I felt so bad for her.  I felt like a failure.  This child was born into one of the 100 worst violent cities in America.  The house is falling apart around her.  I often say, “I am no body’s princess.” I don’t mean to be negative.  My mother loved me so much.  I wouldn’t have traded her in for anything.  We have what we have by the toil of our hands.  There is no parent to give me anything.  I also felt myself mourning my relationship with someone else, who makes promises and does nothing about them.  “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Sometimes, I get stuck on what is best for me vs. everyone else.  It’s going to be very expensive with the bathroom.  We were hoping to use the tax refund to pay bills to sell the house.  It doesn’t look good.