I have made many choices that others have critical of. These choices are what I believed were the best choices. Some of them weren’t. I carried a baby to term most would not have. I hired the worst people on the planet to care for my Rainbow daughter after her birth. From the second she was born, they pushed her wellbeing aside and took out their hidden agendas. It was when she was six months old, I began to realize wait something is really wrong here. I kept saying it to others. I was told repeatedly that I was an anxious new mother. I was really young then. I learned to listen to my own heart. As the plot unfolded, I found myself in the dark listening to my heart. My sadness is forever… Breast cancer took my fertility and I may never get a chance at the maternity award. The first year of my living daughter’s life, I spent tons of time watching my back due to a stocker and an alcoholic brother. Plus, I was adjusting to just working weekends. My mother had serious health issues since I was 13 years old and she was involved in a car accident.
We decided to try again. The miscarriages came one after another. One at 6 weeks, one at 18 weeks and one at 13 weeks, I stopped telling people. My daughter was 3 years old, when I decided to return to work full time, so I could have childcare for doctor appointments and money for IVF. Our health insurance paid for IVF, but the meds were not covered. All of sudden, we were not getting pregnant. So, we saved and saved. We paid for those meds. The cycle was negative. A month later, I got pregnant on my own. I kept it a secret. My mother didn’t know about the D&E’s. Then, we learned the baby had the same rare disease as our first daughter, who died. I broke my silence. For 4 weeks, she had love of a lot of people, because we knew she was going to die before or after birth. She died a week before Thanksgiving. We had a horrible time burying her at Christmas time because of everyone’s schedules. December is also my husband’s birthday. She was buried about a month later. I was told by some not to talk about it. Six months later, I was diagnosis with breast cancer. I was just surviving. I lost my job. I found a job. My living daughter was in kindergarten.
Where I am now…. Forty years old, I have accepted embryo donation as a way of having a child. Somehow along the way, I began to isolate. It’s always on my mind about getting pregnant or the babies I lost. I feel different. I had an excellent single mother, who inspired me to go to college. I went to grad school. I have things that I only dreamed of as a child… a house and a car. Okay, it’s a small house… it’s ours. I don’t like going to church. It seems to bring out my intense feelings. I would like to start over. People did not grow up the way I did. Plus our city is not the economic best. It was where we could afford to buy a house 15 years ago. We go to a town with a lot of wealthy families nearby. My daughter has friends there… I am polite, but short with others there. Thankfully, we won tickets to a local fair. We are off the hook this week. My daughter will not switch churches, so I skip a lot. From a religious perspective, I have become an agnostic from life events. I silently cry after church every week. I feel different… I don’t know if they see it.
Here is what I hate about the face to face world. No one seems to get the connection that the infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss lead to the breast cancer. To save my life, I surrendered my fertility to have treatment. Many will not allow me to talk about being infertile. Many don’t want me to talk about loosing children to rare disease. It’s okay to talk about how I am a breast cancer survivor. Maybe, if I could have spoken about my recurrent pregnancy loss, infertility and genetic testing, would the breast cancer have ever happened? It was my left breast. Right near my heart. There isn’t a day I don’t think of my first daughter, who died a day after birth about 11 years ago. I think of my other babies too.
So what happens to me for the rest of my life? You can’t just live on social media. I have this career goals that has been waiting for the baby to come for years… I am going to join a religious group at another church. I am going to keep going to Reiki circle and mediation group. I am going to keep going to trainings. I am going to keep praying that 11 years later I have a baby.