Category Archives: #newjob

Goodbye and Hello

Yesterday, was the sixth anniversary of the death of my mother.  She died in a year of many losses.  We had took her cat in after she moved into elderly housing.  I have many regrets about her death.  It includes the constant fighting with my siblings.  They never believed she had dementia.  Her last doctor’s appointment was in days of her death.  She was born in October and she thought it was January.  It was  time for her to start getting her treatment.  My husband and I were in the middle of preparing documentation, when she died from heart failure.  I found her because her cat started dying the same night.  I was in the middle of chemo and Hope was screaming.  I had to get the cat out of the house.  Literally, the cat was loosing consciousness.  He had been at the doctors that weekend, we couldn’t figure out why he was loosing weight.  I went to that house with the intention of telling my mom it was time.  I found her dead instead.  Two weeks earlier, I begged her to take the cat back because I felt the cat needed daily care that I couldn’t give him and she refused.  It was the worst day of my life.  When I arrived at the emergency clinic with him, I handed him to the vets.  I cried. “Is he dead?”  He was barely alive.  My husband didn’t want him put down and I couldn’t reach my mom.  My cell phone called her 63 times that night.  It was not unusual for her to be with the neighbors.  I told the vet to make him comfortable and not to resuscitate him.  I told the vet that I was going to find my mother.

The title of this blog is based on my conversation with the vet the day of the cat’s death.  It was another hard day of my life.  Hope, my daughter was 5 years old, she was expecting to hear the cat died.  I couldn’t breathe when I told her Nana died.  The cat held on.  We were told to come to the clinic so he could be put the asleep.  The vets were beside themselves.  Here I was an obvious cancer patient because I had no hair.  I wear a hat on my days off and I hated my wig.  The cat began to die the second we arrived at the vets on his own.  Both they deaths just 2 of the losses of the year.  Eleven months earlier, I buried my daughter Addison.  I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  That year, I held Hope and my husband close.  Months after breast cancer, I suffered from PTSD.  I remember telling the vet the following when I entered the room, “I am so sick of goodbyes!  It’s time for Hello!  I want to say hello!” My bereavement card from the vet said I hope you get those hellos soon.

Here is a list of good byes:

A relationship with my brother, sister nieces and nephew. ( I pray there will come a day that we can be a family with healthy relationships.)

5 different pregnancy losses

My mother

3 cats over 6 years

2 ferrets

My beloved dance school teacher

My hair (chemo),

My nails (chemo),

My fertility.

My husband’s fertility.

Sense of safety in the world.

Belief cancer happens only to other people.

Brian, a friend that committed suicide.

Rachel, who died from Campomelic Dysplasia last week.

Cars/Jobs/money (low priority on this list.)


Hello/Gratitude List (It took us 6 years to get here!  We are still rebuilding!)

Baby daughter Joy, who was born August 25th 2015 (We all knew that would be first.)

Being married to a hard working man for his family.

Another year of watching my oldest daughter Hope grow into a beautiful young lady.

Buddy Brian, the beagle dog who is smart, but a challenging.

Both hospital programs I work for.  In the past year, I work in a different program at the hospital as well as the program I always worked for.

My new job near Boston.

Finished the family room in the basement, which was originally started in 2003 before my daughter Avery died in 2004.  I am particularly proud of that.

A house with better quality air.

A home to come home to.

A car that works.

Food on the table.

My two cats.

My ferret, Princess

The Parenting After Loss Group

All 4 Meditation groups I belong to.

BEING ALIVE! Glad I am not trying to fight any chronic health issues like cancer and infertility.

Starting to feel secure in the world.





After Infertility Treatment: Mother’s Day Gratitude List

I am liking my new job.  Last week it was really tough, my old job let me leave without acknowledging my work without a card even.  I gave them extra to put things in order.  Today, I was thinking of the women fighting infertility, fighting chronic illness, those with the first Mother’s Day without mom, those facing the first mother’s day after infant loss.  I am working hard to remodel the house.  After a flooring contractor strung us along and wasted our time, a friend is going to do our floors.  I guess the contractors have been putting us on the bottom of the list because we are a “small job.” I am working this Sunday.  Next week, I am going out with the family to watch a dance.  It was on my bucket list.  I am also doing a Reiki workshop as a Breast Cancer Survivor gift to myself.  I have had some tough times with a relationship lately and I need this gift to myself.  Last year, I tried to go to eat and it didn’t go so well.  So I am doing something else! I wrote my gratitude list.

My Mother’s Day Gratitude List:
1. I am grateful to have learned how to be strong and what courage is from my mother.
2. Thank you for the love, the guidance and grace of my mother. When I was a teen, I thought she was a pain always needing to know where I am going. Thank you for saying no to me, when I didn’t want to hear it. She inspired me to go to college and get a career. I am 40ish going on 16 and boy do I get it now!
3. I feel thankful for each one of my babies, who called me mom. No matter how long I had them. Each of them left a print of their souls forever on mine. Those who can not see their beauty of their lives are blinded to not see mine as well.  My babies are apart of me.  I am a part of them.   I am who I am forever because of all of you.  My broken parts are where our family prevailed. It is the strongest places.  
4. I am grateful to have finally been able to end my infertility battle with a happy ending. Not everyone has the chance.
5. I am free from a 1/2 hour of meds in the AM and PM. I am free from the constraints of constant cycles and testing. I am done with coordinating treatment out of state.  Always wondering when do I fly out.  Will it work?  What to tell the boss!  Gone are tears in the dark, because I wasn’t always allow to express my grief or disappointment. The only traffic I am fighting is to get to my new job.
6. I am grateful to not need to fly out anywhere!
7. My heart is grateful for the sleepless nights of finding missing items or a baby that needs to be feed. For many years, I woke up with tears of emptiness and despair of another failed cycle or another loss. I love watching Hope dance and grow. I love watching Joy try hard because she wants to crawl. I love the wonder they have in their eyes.
8. I am grateful to have two healthy beautiful girls at home named Hope and Joy.
9. Thank you for being able to celebrate 6 years as a young breast cancer surivivor.
10. After all those degrees and letters after my name, being an M,O,M is the hardest I ever earned. It’s the best piece of me.

Signs Of Stress In My Body: Renewed Grief

I had some fun during the holidays. May I please be the first to say that I am glad they are OVER! I went back to work way earlier with Hope, my oldest daughter. That return was way easier. This return to work has been the toughest ever. With my daughter Hope, my mother was around. I had the only grandchild on my husband’s side of the family, so the in-laws were willing to help out at least one day a week. I am a different person. Over these years of struggling with infertility and breast cancer, I had to learn to become a one woman cheerleading squad quickly at times. I also had the love of some family and wonderful friendships to give me my daily strength.

I had to get use to dropping my rainbow, miracle, million dollar baby and one cherished daughter to daycare. I believe she is in good hands.

Joy Mary Julie is named after my dance school teacher Julie, who battled cancer since her teen years. Julie never gave up her dream to have a dance school. Her death didn’t stop that. The dance school lives on. Joy was my dream. I was having that baby. Period the end. I stopped talking to everyone over it before I got pregnant. Because if I had to listen to people tell me my answer again, I was going to get angry. Julie’s mom teaches at one of the daycares. The daycare has not been my source of stress lately.

I have had difficulty returning to work at the kid job. I set boundaries. After 8 years of working so hard for a baby, the last thing I want to do is say, “Sorry Joy. Stop crying. I have paperwork to do.” Especially with Joy, she has acid reflux. She is growing at a rapid rate. I may spend the morning just feeding her. I got a different part time job that pays for daycare. This summer it was tough to work a bunch of hours commission style and not make any money. I was in the later stages of pregnancy working two jobs. One job appeared to financial support the other job. Ironic a little? The time I wanted to give to Hope was spent on bed rest due to the swelling or working on work without pay at home. I was welcomed to return one day a week. Immediately, the computer failed. I could book getting “paid” because of it. It’s a lot of money to infant daycare. We had to upfront the money after a unpaid maternity leave during the holiday season. I was assertive with them. The response was to make me feel like I was going to be fired. Then, they left it that way in time for the holidays. No words of comfort. I cried very hard. Now the emails have turn back to business as usual as if this was a poker game.

Our house was falling a part. The electrical problem in the kitchen returned. The wash machine broke. I got a cold of major portions. There was barely time for anything including breast feeding. The new job was not able to clear me on time to start as plan. Lucky for me, I have the per diem job in a inpatient setting. I was able to work the entire month. Christmas Eve, I get the big idea to use the fire place. We ended up evacuating due to the carbon dioxide alarm sounding. I had to wake up both children to get them out of the house. At the time Santa should have been arriving, the fire department came instead. We were lucky and we could return to the house. So many people don’t have a home during the holidays.

Joy had her first cold right after Christmas. She has been teething the entire month. She was sleeping through the night, then she stopped. Last week, she was coughing herself awake. I worked New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. We had to take her to the ER. She is okay. There was nothing they could do.

Saturday, Joy was still not 100%. We had plans to go to Boston and we needed to shorten the day. We drove in to go out to eat, see some Christmas lights and come home.

My body has been under a lot of stress. The house is at maximum storage capacity. There has been barely time for housework. We are also working with our new dog Buddy to get him house trained. This weekend, I am teaching my oldest to organize her room, which is always a painful process. She was telling me how this is all a sign that I don’t love her for the 9th million time. I went to the bathroom and the worst fear of a cancer survivor occurred. I saw a small lump on my throat. Cancer survivors live in fear of the cancer returning. I grabbed my husband as my oldest was giving me her speech. Somewhere in the late afternoon, we finally organized her room. I decided let’s go shopping and eat out. I am starting that new job this week that I got 3 months ago. I was having anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I called my doctor first second I could in the morning. It was a long day. Joy had her physical too that day. The doctor thinks it’s a calcification. I need an ultra sound and may need surgery. It looks like my breast milk may have rapidly decreased or it is drying up completely.

If you have been following me for years, you may remember this. After a few miscarriages, I began to have cycle problems. I had to be persistent and write it down for months for the doctors. This was before the breast cancer. They couldn’t figure it out. A biopsy showed an uterine staph infection, which I could have gotten from anything like ultra sound machines or having a D&E. Well, I am having problems with my cycles again. I know it could be anything from the breast feeding to menopause. I got up and I realized I had to change my clothing and wash the stool that I sat on. It happens that fast. At this point, I am calling the OB GYN. I called my husband at the gym to return home and went to bed, when he came home.

Today, I am up. I need to clean the house quickly. I am having our pet sitter walk our dog until I can establish a schedule with the new job to come home during the day. The accidents with Buddy are due to the fact he is almost 2 years old and not neutered. He can’t be neutered until obedience school is over due to risks of infections. We have 3 weeks of obedience school left.

My plan today is to get done what I can and rest/relax. I am going to try to fix my low breast milk supply by pumping more. Tomorrow, my work week starts with the kid job. I start the new job on Thursday. At this point, if I have to, I am leaving the job working with kids. Every week, I am starting to wonder what are they going to do to me this week.

I also don’t want anyone to misunderstand me here. I am so grateful for my two daughters on Earth. We had a son, who died 18 weeks into pregnancy. I don’t want to continue to try to have any more babies. It took years to get here. There are a lot of bills due to going out West for embryo donation. I want to sell the house and move to another place. Maybe get a bigger house? Lately, it hurts about his loss. My oldest daughter and I have been joking about how Buddy, the new dog is my Beagle son. It’s a sore spot, but I am closing the book on pregnancy and having more children. I have been doing this since I was 29 years old. I am 41 years old now. I have been pregnant 7 times and I only have two daughters on Earth. I am done!