Monthly Archives: December 2015

Forgiveness or Acceptance? A Year In Review:

An incredible miracle happen this year. After 8 long years of in and out of fertility treatment, our daughter was conceived through embryo donation on the West Coast.  Check another miracle arrived.  I was reading an article through Resolve that stuck me.  We are going to have bills to pay long term, which I call affectionately the “conception bill.” When my first daughter was younger, I worked the weekends.  My husband worked the week days.  His mother said, “I will help you one day only.”

When you are going through infertility treatments, the appointments happen whenever.  When Hope, my oldest was 3, I decided I needed more childcare, so I put her into daycare.  I said it’s temporary because I will get pregnant and have a baby.  The story didn’t happen that way.  After years of recurrent pregnancy  loss and  late second trimester losses, we couldn’t get pregnant.  They recommended ICIS IVF.  The problem was about coverage for the cycle was insane.   Our health insurance was in our mandated fertility state.  Pharmacy coverage was from a different with no mandated coverage.  Yes, health insurance covered the procedure.  The money for the medications was not covered.  I had to switch jobs for a higher income.  We saved $5000.  We went through the cycle of IVF ICIS.  It was a  negative  pregnancy test with no explanation.  I switched jobs because I didn’t like the agency.  I was crushed.  Over a year to save $5000 and it was all gone with not enough meds for another cycle.

I got pregnant on my own a month and a half later.  I was cautiously happy.  One week at a time.  Sadly, the ultra sound picked up multiple birth defects on October 30th 2009.  They didn’t think I was going to term.  On November 19th 2009, Addison was born still.  My new workplace was angry about the pregnancy.  I had to switch jobs again.  This time back to the hospital.  We underwent months of additional genetic tests to learn we were the first family to break medical history.  We did soul searching and decided to try donor sperm.  First cycle,  I found blood on my bra.  I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  I continued to work full time.  I thought people would be there.  They weren’t.  I asked my mother-in-law to please stay with us for the first chemo.  She wouldn’t.  My mother died that year too.

It was not clear to me, she had just been diagnosis with NF2, a genetic disorder where the body makes non-cancerous tumors on the central.  I have been trying to learn more.

It been 5 years since the cancer, I struggle with the anger.  Instead of blowing up, I shut down.  I kept people away from me.  About 3 years ago, I realized my marriage was in the process of falling apart.  Months and days went by where I did not speak to my inlaws.  I have said this many times, we operate like a divorce family.  As the scheduled C section came near last August, my mother-in-law tried to cancel on watching Hope.  I couldn’t get it.  Through all the infertility treatments and genetic test, I remained beside your son.  She was busy taking care of her daughter divorcing her wife and herkids.  Here I was with a major accomplishment.  I stood up for myself and she argued with me.  Both my legs were swollen.  I am struggling with forgiveness.  Why can’t I just be over it.  The more I read on NF2.  The more I understand.  This  non-cancerous tumor may be interfering not only with her hearing but my relationship with her.

I am becoming more aware of what I have given up to spend all these years in fertility treatment.  I went from job to job hoping to have a baby.  My kids job appears to be in the process of dismissing me after agreeing I could return one day per week.  It hurts because I really enjoyed the kids.  I gave a lot of myself.  My new job is working with adults.  It’s time for me to stop going job to job.  I need to really look at what I want for a career.  I am anxious about this new place.  I am hoping it works out.  I am also coming to a level of acceptance that I may need to leave the kids job.  I wanted the license to work at the schools.  I never took the test.  The jobs seem so far away.  I am looking for the balance too of home and family.  It breaks my heart, Joy is at daycare as an infant.  Hope was 3 years old.  It was hard.  I think my resolution this year will be to set goals as a person, who has finished treatment.  Infertility treatment/pregnancy treatment consumed my heart and soul.  Time to find other goals!



Snap Shot of The Return To Work

Tomorrow is a big day! I finally meet my new co-workers and work place. As much as I love my other jobs, I may not be able to hold on to the kids job. It’s commission style and too many times, I didn’t make enough money to cover Hope’s summer camp or after school program. I lost tons of money. They are angry about me getting another job. At first, they agreed I could come back one day per week. Now it feels like they are trying to push me out the door. One day not cover cost of child care already since returning from maternity leave. The bills are growing because maternity leave was not paid. We are not endanger of loosing the house or the cars. We want to move out of this neighborhood where our neighbor fired a round at a car for no reason. No one was killed thankfully. I need to be able to pay off the bills from the embryo donation, the unpaid maternity leave & holiday gifts. Daycare is due every week not matter my income. I felt very verbally attacked at the kids job. I am getting a knot in my stomach, when I need to go. Last week, they gave me a shelf in a small office. I brought a book case amount of items for the kids in my old office. I donated a lot of it. I packed up everything, my co-workers didn’t even open the door for me. I cried all the way home. My heart broke. I didn’t sleep that night at all. I was paying more for childcare than I was getting paid. I said something. I also had to set boundaries with them about working from home. I worked so hard to get pregnant with Joy. Worst of all is the comments that people think they are being funny about how I go to work to escape a screaming baby. I am a different parent due burying quite a few pregnancy losses, undergoing infertility treatment & being a cancer survivor. A screaming baby is alive. How many times did I wish to have little or no sleep due to a screaming baby, not a broken heart. Yes, I do get overwhelmed.  Babies grow up too quick so I remind myself.   I know the pain of not having a baby to hold after going through a pregnancy loss. Joy is adjusting to daycare.  I wonder if she teething due to drool and fussy behavior. Buddy Brian the new dog shows progress at times. I am mostly working the weekends for the Christmas break. My husband has various vacation days off so our oldest wouldn’t go to a vacation program. It’s not working out with the kid job. If it doesn’t, I may to ask to work regular on Sunday’s at the hospital. I may drop a day of daycare for Joy. I hope this new job works out. It’s something I have never done before. I am nervous. Honestly, I am starting to wonder if I could ever get a school system job.  As for relationships, after all these promises about we will do better…  Less than a week, it went back to the same problems.  What hurts more than hurt is for 21 years, I gave it my all.  As long as I do not go deeper than chores or kids we are fine.  There is no spiritual connection.  I am going crazy because the meditation classes on the North Shore stopped.  As long as my focus is the kids and friends, I can not feel the pain of not being the twinkle of his eyes.