I have no idea where that grief episode yesterday came from. I do not publically cry. I am on a lot of anti-ovulation meds for the embryo donation cycle, so I am not sure if it opened the flood gates. I had a good rest of the night yesterday. I let my daughter stay up late to watch a movie at the hotel. This morning, I woke up early and I did my Reiki mediation. I almost got to the end of the tape, when I heard my daughter talking to me. While I was working out, I watched a special on children with cancer. It touched me.
Twenty-one years ago, I woke up in a hospital at age 19 years old in a pediatric ward. I had just had my left thyroid removed. Right before Christmas, I was diagnosis with thyroid cancer. It was a wake up call for me. At this age, I did what I was told. Later a different hospital reviewed the information and I was told I had a marginal case. The first hospital was being aggressive. I decided to change my major in school and decided to save the world. Back then, my aunt made me a Precious Moments doll. She had it put into a balloon. The store tired the string around the neck of the doll. The pediatric nurses and I were laughing the morning of Thanksgiving. Here I was with a drain on my neck and the doll was dangling from a ribbon tied around her neck. This is my aunt, who keeps reaching out to me even today. She is the last connection I have to my family of origin.
One of the hotel workers and I were talking about families and Thanksgivings. It has worked for two years for us to go away for the holiday. I noticed a lot of families were doing this. It’s a nice family oriented hotel. I just mentioned through I was thinking of everything that nothing has been the same since my mother died. It’s been almost five years since the last baby was born still, the breast cancer and my mother’s death.
I wore my paternal grandmother’s velvet jacket. Both my grandparents had their small pilot’s licenses. My grandmother was one of the first women in New England with a pilot’s license. My grandfather was from Utah and my grandmother was from Pennsylvania. I have no idea how they ended up in New England. My mother’s family can be traced to the Mayflower. Both never graduated high school. My sister and I were to go to college. My grandfather was adopted at age 3 after his birth mother died leaving 12 children. The father loaded them on a truck and dropped them off one by one to another state. The older siblings were adopted as field hands. One of the places they visited was Yosemite Park. (The reason, I insisted on us visiting the park.) He never found his birth family, but years after his death they found us. One of his oldest brothers living in Washington reached out to us. My grandfather ran away at 16 years old and joined the military. He learned to fly helicopters and he built his own business. He owned his own cranberry bog. Both my grandparents were too young when my father was born. They were better grandparents than parents. Both are buried in so deep into Pennsylvania. Someday, I hope we can go.
My daughter hated cranberries until this year. The school took a trip to a cranberry bog. Surprisingly, she looks at the waitress and says, “can I have another serving of cranberry sauce?” Music to her mother’s ears… Finally, the girl is embracing her roots.
We took the long way home from the Cape. My grandparents were active grandparents. We spent a lot of time with them in Plymouth growing up. We visited the cranberry bog. The land was sold after my grandmother’s death. The new owner divided up the land and a bunch of houses were built. It’s the closest thing I have to a cemetery. We also went to the babies cemetery on the way home. I said to my husband maybe you can take our daughter to your parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, but they weren’t home. Even through we are not close my daughter is their granddaughter. I respect that.
My mother-in-law continues to loose her hearing due to a rare non-cancerous tumor. For years, I have noticed my husband is loosing his hearing. Finally this year, he is going to have it checked, which is another source of stress, I do not openly talk about. This year, I finally put my foot down. I hope nothing is wrong and he just not paying attention. He told me it is happening at work too.
I found myself today praying to the babies and my grandparents for help to end this battle with infertility. I see cute baby things. I have been trying to have a family since age 29. Please let this year be my happy ending!
Tomorrow is my last day off. I am shopping before my husband leaves for work. Then I am picking up my daughter. We are going shopping in memory of the babies for teens in need. We are going to see my aunt. I brought her the biggest box of salt water taffy her favorite. I worked the hospital this weekend. Then I am working with the kids next week until the plane leaves next Thursday for the ultra sound. I kinda of over scheduled myself to work six days by accident. I won’t do that again. I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter. Over the next few weeks, I am going to be gone a lot from home due to the embryo donation cycle. I started packing for the West Coast and next week. I plan to get as much sleep as possible because the schedule is tight. I also plan to study for that other license I want. I see no snow for next week so I should be there to see my daughter dance. They will tell me next Friday, when the embryo transfer will be. I just want this to end this year with a happy baby! Hopeful it will!