Monthly Archives: September 2017

My heart is enraged.

I have been ignored most of my life.  I feel like a failure tonight.  I deal with this emotionally cold marriage.  A marriage where is it like the divorce occurred.  I keep it in and say nothing.  I am sitting in a pile of my sins right now.  The outcome is uncertain.  I tell no one.

My oldest daughter had quite a fit.  She can’t find a notebook and she thinks she is going to have detention.  My youngest is asleep on her rug.  After the oldest had a fit, I went in to check on the youngest.  I found her with arms up and eyes open.  I freaked as a bereaved mom that she had died.  Apparently, she was sleeping with her eyes open and I scared her.  So for an hour, she has been screaming her head off.  She finally fell asleep on her rug.  I plan to make sure she is fast asleep and sneak in to carefully put her in her crib.  I feel inadequate  all the time.  The house, I worked so hard for all hours of the night is back to it’s usual federal disaster zone appearance.

I feel like an embittered old lady at 43.  I so loved the world at 20.  Please bring me home!

My youngest has a double middle name.  One for a dance school teacher who died of cancer.  It’s been a mess.  My oldest has dizzy spells and migraines. The youngest is anemic.  She had a test and she was official diagnosis.  I reach out to the husband of this dance school.  Just like my family of origin, too busy to acknowledge my concerns.  The other mothers of my oldest daughter’s class were like out of control teen agers.  I spoke earlier this month, I felt like I was in high school again with the roll of eyes and them giggling.  Four days a week, I have to be there.

Here I am tonight with the negative thoughts flowing.

Is this paradise after cancer treatment?  A mold filled house that never stays clean. I worked 6 days a week to pay for a baby sitter this summer.  It was pretty clear after my aunt’s funeral.  Once my favorite aunt passes, I will have no connection anymore.   I shut down after the baby died, the cancer came and my mother’s died.  Then, a miracle occurred, I can’t seem to find my way back home.  By home, I mean to a place to be me.  The birthday party was a disaster of no shows and late cancelations.

I secretly worry what all these bladder infections mean.  Did the cancer come back?  I cut off the world to make that miracle.  The world decided I was inadequate.  I see people with families.  I know I have my daughters’ love.  Am I condemned to be loveless in the adult world?  I just want to shower in peace.  There is a piece of me that detests people.  Another part that craves to know I am okay.  I am tired of the S shows.

As for this mold filled house, I always have another plan.  The bathroom is not done.  It needs to be done.   We had to stop looking for another house.  Not enough money for other town.  I am over tired.  Let me end this with this joke.  Okay, we are the first medically documented family carrying this rare disease, which killed our children.  God if you are there, could we win the lottery?  We broke the statistical barriers across the world and over medical history.    So, like could we win the lottery?  It’s a smaller statistical problem.

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Mom Is In Pieces: Time To Put My Universe Back Together

I just paid for something that I against my own action.  In the middle of this huge personal crisis, I finally got time to talk out my own feelings with a friend on the phone the same week hubby got the ultimatum.  My period just came.  Joy was sick with a stomach bug and fever.  I had fever seizures, when I was growing up.  Avery, my daughter we lost a day after birth, was suspected to have seizures before her death.  I drove through a yellow light not red.  It had just turned yellow.

Not that I justify what I did.  I suffer from #Menorrhagia.  It’s been 2 years now.  The light turned yellow.  I got that dripping sensation.  I pulled through it.  Down the street, I was pulled over by the police and ticketed.  Just another thing that week…  It was not emotional enough to give your husband the ultimatum about alcohol treatment.  I requested a hearing.  The notice went to the PO Box.  It never came because the zip code was one digit off.  I finally am doing things like go to the bathroom, when your bladder says to go.  I ended up with a second bladder infection within a month due to not drinking enough or taking my medication correctly.

I finally got the call the DMV.  Friends were telling me not to worry because court could take a few months.  I never had a ticket before.  So, I called the week of after Labor Day.  I was pissed (which I never use the word on this blog.)  I should have been in court the day before.  I sent my husband multiple times to the PO Box.  No notice.

I am getting tired of the multiple events happening in life.  The day before the first day of school.  The UTI was hurting so bad.  I had to stop multiple times for the bathroom.  My husband worked from home because the new babysitter couldn’t work that day due to college.  I just started a new position within my agency.  I was late for work.  My oldest rainbow wanted a haircut before returning to school.  I am very new to working in a nursing home.  I have no clue.  I am not new to my field.  I am one of the veterans that made it.  (I am finding benefit to getting old and being middle aged.) We have new contracts and I am trying very hard.  I was running late.  I got the oldest a haircut. My husband is doing well.  He has been alcohol free since the day before our anniversary.  He had his group the night afterwards.  I decided I am going to the doctor’s.  I went to the doctor’s.  Another UTI.  I drop the oldest at home. I get my meds and the last item on my daughter’s back to school list.   I got the dog from daycare.  Joy had an open house at her new daycare.  I am trying to throw together all the stuff for daycare.  I am telling him that I will eat my diner in the car.

We are rushing to the daycare.  I didn’t get a chance to look at my cell phone.  My favorite aunt called me three times.  “Maryellen, this is important.” I called her.  My mother was one of five girls.  Only two aunts were remaining.  My other aunt was found dead by her daughter due to natural causes.  I don’t have the tears anymore.  We pull up to the daycare.  My aunt is telling me just get the girls ready for school.  I did pull aside Joy’s new daycare teacher.  I just told her I was not well and I learned my aunt died 5 minutes earlier.  Aunt Eileen worked at Walmart until her death, because she could not afford retirement.  The fact she did not show for work is when the boss called her emergency contact (her daughter).  Our family has strong work values.  Strangely enough, I called my favorite Aunt before Labor Day, because we had an argument over the girls’ birthday party.  The thought crossed my head working in the nursing home, if she ever dies and we never talked again.

It was the Eve of the first day of school.  My oldest is now old enough to stay home by herself and she refused to go to the open house.  I did the best I could with the open house.  I braced to tell my oldest.  My favorite aunt was crying so hard.  She is the only one left.  Her children live in Florida and the hurricane was coming.

There is a miracle to this story.  Her son for years was waiting for a kidney transplant.  In the mist of all this death and chaos, the following week, a kidney was found for him.

So, the next day, I go to go to court to talk about the missed hearing.  My youngest fell asleep.  I said to my oldest, I will go tomorrow.  I promised my favorite aunt we would go and bring her lunch.  Of course, I picked the restaurant being remodeled.  We ran late, which is the family theme song.  I refused to not show up on my aunt.  At 3:30, we get to the court.  The clerk is pissed that it is Friday afternoon and we show up.  He has an adult melt down on me like a toddler.  I see my oldest sit down.  She is telling me to just pay the ticket so I won’t go to jail.  I am reassuring her that we don’t lock up people for getting their first tickets.  She is almost in tears.  This guy is so Narcissistic.  Now he is telling me he is going to be my savior and give me these magical numbers.  The short of this blog is.  I still don’t have this family and work balance down.

Hope is adjusting to middle school.  Apparently, when I gave her Dad the ultimatum and judged myself harshly for doing this in front of her, she has learned to stand up in school against the bullies.  Twice this year, the story end with, “I told the teacher.” I high five her every time.  Otherwise, she has been sobbing in public like a kindergartener whenever she is corrected.

Here I am found guilty because the notice failed to show.  Did the state send it?  Are they guilty for not sending it.  The clerk was rude.  He was saying things like, “so are you going to say it’s your baby’s fault.” I ended up hiring an internet lawyer.  So, wow what a change at the court house.  All of sudden, it was come in and we will just give you a new date.  Nothing needed to be filed.

I went to my first therapy session last week.  My youngest had a blood draw for her last lead test (lead tests are now drawn twice.)  I went to the post office and spoke with the manager to make him aware that I was found guilty because I never got the notice.  I went to the school to get my other daughter.  We were getting ready for a cancer event.  The doctor’s office called.  She was fine, except we got called back in because her blood tests didn’t look right.  That same night on the way back from the event, our passenger side tire blew out on the highway.  I drove my oldest home late that night.  I had to argue with the tow truck driver.

Again there is no affordable child care options here.  I worked 6 days to pay a babysitter this summer.   I work Saturdays and Sundays to keep the daycare cost down.  My poor toddler daughter.  I had an hour to catch the lab again.  I drove her back to the doctor’s office.  She cried even harder than before.  I hid my face and I was crying too.  I never made it to the court house.

Wednesday of last week was my aunt’s awake.  My husband couldn’t go due to needing to watch the baby.  My brother and sister were going to be there.  I hadn’t seen them since my mother’s burial.  My brother is an alcoholic.  My sister has anger management issues.  When my oldest was 6 months old, my siblings made my life miserable, by saying I was mental ill because I wouldn’t let my first daughter’s death go.  My oldest daughter was suppose to go with me.  I picked out a skirt and a shirt.  She got the time wrong on her dance class.  She comes out in these loud printed pants.  She didn’t pack the skirt or shirt.  I told her she couldn’t go.  She began to sob like a 5 year old child publically embarrassing me in front of her dance school.  I drove her to meet my husband at a restaurant.  I was going to hand off the baby to him.  He was upset we were late.  He walks in front of my car making faces.  I told him that I wasn’t going to eat with them.  I got back in the car.  I picked up a sandwich at a store.  I gave the woman a prepaid credit card with a $1 on it by accident.  I wanted to cry so hard.  I managed to get there.  No parking.  So, I walked.  I spoke to my cousins.  I watched my siblings for a bit.  Then, I slowly went over to them.  Neither of them have seen the youngest ever.  We talked and my brother turned cold.  He told me he need to talk to my cousins.  No hug.  Nothing.

I saw my cousin later.  I threw out the idea that all the cousins should get together sometime.  She told me, “people do have lives.” I am seeing after my favorite aunt dies, I will be separated from all my cousins and family.  I am done grieving this.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

My oldest had a battery of  migraine tests today.  Yesterday, it was my last chance to go to court.  My youngest has low iron.  I have spent the week calling doctor offices.  Yesterday, after fighting this ticket hard.  I had 5 days left.  I just started a new position within my agency.  My oldest left the courthouse fearing my arrest.  Yesterday, I looked at that little girl.  Finally after all these weeks of trying to fight this one ticket.  I plead guilty and just paid it, because there is no childcare to help.   Last week, the agency for the first time ever, they didn’t pay me for Labor Day because I am part time.  I needed that money.

I feel like a dog chasing her tail.  I don’t want to say the summer was the worst, because the summer I had breast cancer treatment was the worst.  Every day, I feel disrespected.  I feel better not being home.  Thankfully, I have made some new friends.  Otherwise, I feel ignored.  I feel other mothers laughing at me.  They don’t get the alcoholism moved in.  I have been desperately trying to control that is not mine.  Somehow, I hold on to the hope that my personal joy will prevail and I will find an inner peace somehow.  I am reaching out beyond my home for help with this demon.  Yes, your honor.  I am guilty.  My kids need me right now.   I don’t have all this time to chase courts and ignorant clerks around.  I am pretty sure I have my third bladder infection.  I want the multiple crisis.  to end.   I need to work on self care.