I don’t call 2023 a bad year. I knew both sides were going to ignore my daughter Hope. I obsess about it. I cut the reminder of my mother’s family off. Her sister had someone us threatened every few years prior to her daughter threatening to come to the house. I told all the authorities. I had enough for my and my family’s sake. Last one of my birthday, Joy was out of control at school, dance school and gymnastics. I am considering shutting my cell phone off and taking myself to a yoga place. I spend my entire birthday month in tears. Mother’s Day, I was in tears. Not the girls. This year, I going to distance myself. Ms. Hope is quite a young lady. I can’t tell you the level of guilt I feel for her graduation and her last recital. All I can say is I can control my own behavior. I am not responsible for those who don’t want to be there for her. I am very isolated. Mom raised a self starter and self cheer leader. All I can do is focus on what I have. I need to stay healthy. Hope suffered a lot during my chemo. I found the strength after the death of my baby Addison. This year, I am not getting bullied! This year, I am standing up for myself. I am tired of forgotten!
I Don’t Trust Him
I am kind of laughing and kind of not. Big guy came running in saying he fell the downstairs and he broke his foot. I showed him absolute kindness. I expressed concern and offered to drive him to the hospital. All the things he never showed me.I looked at the doorbell video. Big guy tripped over a step.
It reminds me of how I barely slept during Thanksgiving break because I was up with the puppy. It was Friday night, I asked him to help out. He didn’t need to work tomorrow. He tells me that Taylor, our puppy should die now because I want to sleep. I am the one who insisted. After what happened last year, I want a dog for protection. Everyone supported my decision for another dog. I had my phone blowing up with threats. Then a letter showed up before Christmas. I had a colonoscopy. I asked him to throw it back in the mailbox. I wrote refused on it. He brings it back to me the same day saying he didn’t feel comfortable putting it in the mailbox. Why? Refused was in my writing.
10 minutes, later he comes running in the house saying the dog got loose. From a gentle lead? A head harness? I got Buddy. Thankfully, Taylor came running to Buddy, my dog with cancer. My daughter said Taylor was playing with the gentle lead all day. I took it as coincidence. I’m was so mad to have to wake a neighbor up. I still don’t believe him. No empathy. I was up until midnight cleaning and he says I cleaned the bathroom yesterday. His Prince head was sleeping at 9:30 PM in a bed I don’t have. I told him to get a banana sticker and put it on his forehead as a sticker chart for his good deeds.
The True Face Of Verbal Abuse
It abnormal for young children to sit perfectly still for a mother while they talk to their sisters . I did. No toys. No tv. No paper. No food. No drink.I was trained not by healthy means. I was taught my voice didn’t matter. The sheer anxiety what teaches a small child to sit perfectly still for an hour. The true face of evil. I mispronounce words and occasionally say the opposite. They are different types of developmental disabilities not signs of MENTALLY ILL. It’s the sign of a terrified small child. often times we call it fight flight or freeze, or fawn. It’s an instinct to preserve oneself.
I did the best thing I could last year I freed my children of being mistreated of being told they didn’t matter. It’s not that it’s just said in words it’s how you treat people when you forget their birthday when they talk to you about it. They tell them you don’t care.
Recently, we’ve been talking to our kids, but I’ve been focusing more on what I have versus the sadness that I need to wait behind. Unfortunately, I lost contact with my nieces and my nephew. I did it at a cost. I did it to preserve my daughters, I couldn’t stand to watch them be because they had been born to me the scapegoat in the family. ThisThis year I wanna focus on the fact that I have a voice. I deserve to be treated with respect. My daughters deserve to be treated with respect I’m very sad my mother has passed. I don’t think she train me to sit there without talking. I was very frightening my brothers and sisters and cousins anytime I want to talk I was told to shut up.
I am the queen of my own chess board with lots to celebrate. A lot of who I consider was family has died. I need to focus on what I have vs. don’t
Tonight
I just want my girls to marry someone who will come and watch the kids at 6AM so the mother can have surgery. Someone who accepts boundaries. Some who shares responsibility. My grandmother raised me to be a career woman. Apparently, I married into a belief system that cavemen find primitive.
The Reweh Letter
You’re not the ultimate authoritarian.
You’re not God’s poster child.
You have no authority.
What I see is this woman who was regarded to many as a spoil brat most of her life.
You can’t control your anger or impulses.
I know there is an addiction to what I don’t know.
Can’t just threaten anyone.
You hurt so many.
You hide behind a cross and pretend to be so holy.
I know what you are…
I am not too worried what you think of me. My children are aware of what you are.
He Will Not Listen
I really don’t feel good. I can’t imagine people of had to have the Heimlich done don’t feel good. All I did was accidentally inhale a chip yesterday. It broke half leaving tons of little cuts around my throat. I have a giant cut inside my cheek. I unfortunately must’ve bit my cheek when I was under . Unfortunately I eat too many things outside my diet and I came home really sick. I ended up spending most of the night cleaning the bathroom to make sure no one would get sick from it. I think it was about 2 AM by time I was able to go to bed because everything was cleaned up. 6 something this morning. I need my own bedroom. All I can basically eat is bread because of all the cuts in my mouth. I coin toss this expression. I am collecting boundary rug burns in my life. He doesn’t have to wear his hearing aid and you know what I can’t make him do it. He’s going to end up losing his job. It’s going to be a sad day but maybe that’s what it takes. It takes him losing a job. I hope Hope doesn’t lose her college over it. You should have seen the laundry list of things his aunt wanted to talk about. It was like listen. I have my own list.
The Price Of Addiction In The Family…
They say they don’t want us. They have threatened the house repeatedly, which we report. Wedon’t drink and drug. If we boring to them, we must be on the right path. It took me years to understand I don’t miss them. I miss having a loving family. If the breast cancer was to come again…. Who do we have? We’re not living that way. Let them drink their anger and rage. This is about our family growing…
Trying To Forget
I tried now for the 350th million time to explain why my feelings were badly hurt as I was trying to watch my daughter’s final dance recital ever. All I was told was I was going to steal his 50% and take his 75%. I never got to enjoy recital weekend.
The kayak almost capsized again last weekend. Wow, I thought he would get to keep everything and my mother’s sister would be gleaming with delight at the sight of my dead body. I have never felt so badly hated in my life. I worked some horribly long years trying to figure out why my daughter was tired and dizzy. In the middle of COVID before vaccines, both of us took a risk for her to have physical therapy.
Stray thoughts!
This year was Hope’s and no family wanted to go? Her final recital (I spent years taking her to doctor’s appointments and physical therapy appointments in the middle of COVID before there were vaccines.). I spent her last recital BULLIED by someone having a paranoid reaction to marijuana. I PAINTED A SMILE ON MY FACE! We can’t have a graduation party because both sides SUCK! All I did when she was a junior was say hey let’s try hard together. Next dance recital I am sitting by myself thank you FN much!
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY MENTALLY PAINFUL TO WATCH! One child dies and the living one is ignored. 🦆plan next graduation!
The Duck plan:
Did hear about the invention of the popular Duck invitation graduation for 2027?
We are practicing March 28, 2024!
I deserve a happy birthday!
I deserve a happy Mother’s Day!
- It called I give a Duck what you think of me.
This my daughter’s day to shine! - Go Duck off with your narcissist/covert narcissistic behaviors.
Don’t like it! - Don’t Come!
🤣
Stuck At Recital
You know that awkward silence when you know your life is destroyed…
I just don’t get it. I wasn’t looking for anything for me. I am absolutely silently devastated. I was driving Joy home. The tears wouldn’t stop. I want to quit everything. I feel like I am at recital. I haven’t gotten over the intense arguments at recital. I wanted to enjoy both my daughters. It was oldest’s last. All I want to do is to go back and cry. He was relentless talking about divorce. It was like shut the FN up! We promised our girls a trip! The hotel is going to charge us. We are due to leave in the morning. Our oldest gave up a graduation party for a legit nose bleed seat at Taylor Shift and Canada. All I want is you to pick up what you drop. This arguments been going on for years now! It’s ridiculous! How do you teach a child with ADHD to hold yourself to the standard that hold your child to?
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