Monthly Archives: January 2016

My Mother’s Christmas Village & Good News

I did get good news from the ultra sound on my neck. It looks like a tiny cyst that the doctors may need to monitor. I am relieved. I am waiting for the official word. Last week was Stressful! Last week, I worried about the tiny lump that I found in my throat. I have work for few weeks until the printed copy of my license comes in. (Hopefully soon.) Yesterday, I came home. A part of diner was accidentally dropped on the floor. I was going to relax for a bit, when I heard this awful crash. We had been taking down the holiday decorations. My mother gave me several things, when she was alive. One was her Christmas village. My mother raised us in love. My father had a serious mental illness due to the abuse my grandparents had done to him. I saw his hospitalization paperwork at one point in my life. He was diagnose with paranoid personality disorder in the early 80’s.

My mother, my siblings and I suffered from physical and emotional abuse from our father for years. Our only saving grace was he was terrified of the police and the courts. When I was 18 years old, he told my mother to get rid of me, because he can not collect any money from state agencies on me. My mother was my angel in life. The whole family had to take out restraining orders due to his threats to us. I listened to her and I was college bound. My father left in the middle of the night one night right before my senior year in high school. Later, I went to school and grew up to work in the mental health field.

I had a lot of emotional connections with my mother’s old Christmas Village. Earlier in my life when I was 13 years old, my mother was hit by a car. I was not with her, I was at a Halloween Party. For many of my teen years, I blamed myself for not being there to push her out of the way. That night I had been looking all over the city for her. I did not know she had been hit by a car. It was getting later and later. She never left me alone. I brought her a building of a Christmas Village for Christmas that night when wondering the city looking for her. She loved Christmas Villages. Later she brought this Christmas Village Collection. When I moved out to get married, she asked me to take it. She died half way through my chemo treatment, when I had breast cancer. For years her Christmas Village went on our fireplace as a memorial to mom. I packed it last week very carefully. The cats must have been playing in the cellar. They hit the box. All the buildings except one broke. I have a niece named Lily. One of the buildings is called Lily’s Pub. Even through I not in communication with my sister, it was my intention to give it to Lily someday. A few figurers made it as well. It was like having mom die again last night. Hope and I hugged each other tight. Both our hearts broke with that village…


Disappointment About The New Job:

Ironically, I got this job now 3 or 4 months ago. So today, I spent time this morning getting ready for my “big day” tomorrow. It is ridiculous what is holding this up. I have not slept well for the past few days. At 3AM, it is not the baby crying. My black cat Raven, who will never get gentle, stands on my chest stretching. Sorry to disappoint you. Yesterday was a super day of getting stuff done quick. I hired a pet sitter to walk the dog, so I would not worry about it as I started a new job. I hired a locksmith to fix the door knob to prepare for the pet sitter.

Again the contact did not go through. I am a professional, who renewed her license. Even through the state site shows I did pay, the contactors refuse to approve me until it is on paper. Yesterday, my cat went missing from the Locksmith being here. My oldest daughter’s favorite. We missed a huge amount of Girl Scouts etc. My daughter want to go to Girl Scouts. We cried together all the way home with thoughts of the worst. Out of now where the cat came out. We sobbed wildly hugging her. Joy, the baby stared at the cat.

Today, the job that I was looking so much. I was tired due to the black cat (a different one waking me up). I was in a good mood. I called and made an ultra sound appointment and called the OB for an appointment. I clarified a misunderstanding between me and a different job. I was panic stricken. Hope’s afterschool program is only due if she attends. Daycare for 3 days is due every week. The mortgage is too after an unpaid maternity leave. Once again, I got hours at the hospital to help me until this job goes through.

Signs Of Stress In My Body: Renewed Grief

I had some fun during the holidays. May I please be the first to say that I am glad they are OVER! I went back to work way earlier with Hope, my oldest daughter. That return was way easier. This return to work has been the toughest ever. With my daughter Hope, my mother was around. I had the only grandchild on my husband’s side of the family, so the in-laws were willing to help out at least one day a week. I am a different person. Over these years of struggling with infertility and breast cancer, I had to learn to become a one woman cheerleading squad quickly at times. I also had the love of some family and wonderful friendships to give me my daily strength.

I had to get use to dropping my rainbow, miracle, million dollar baby and one cherished daughter to daycare. I believe she is in good hands.

Joy Mary Julie is named after my dance school teacher Julie, who battled cancer since her teen years. Julie never gave up her dream to have a dance school. Her death didn’t stop that. The dance school lives on. Joy was my dream. I was having that baby. Period the end. I stopped talking to everyone over it before I got pregnant. Because if I had to listen to people tell me my answer again, I was going to get angry. Julie’s mom teaches at one of the daycares. The daycare has not been my source of stress lately.

I have had difficulty returning to work at the kid job. I set boundaries. After 8 years of working so hard for a baby, the last thing I want to do is say, “Sorry Joy. Stop crying. I have paperwork to do.” Especially with Joy, she has acid reflux. She is growing at a rapid rate. I may spend the morning just feeding her. I got a different part time job that pays for daycare. This summer it was tough to work a bunch of hours commission style and not make any money. I was in the later stages of pregnancy working two jobs. One job appeared to financial support the other job. Ironic a little? The time I wanted to give to Hope was spent on bed rest due to the swelling or working on work without pay at home. I was welcomed to return one day a week. Immediately, the computer failed. I could book getting “paid” because of it. It’s a lot of money to infant daycare. We had to upfront the money after a unpaid maternity leave during the holiday season. I was assertive with them. The response was to make me feel like I was going to be fired. Then, they left it that way in time for the holidays. No words of comfort. I cried very hard. Now the emails have turn back to business as usual as if this was a poker game.

Our house was falling a part. The electrical problem in the kitchen returned. The wash machine broke. I got a cold of major portions. There was barely time for anything including breast feeding. The new job was not able to clear me on time to start as plan. Lucky for me, I have the per diem job in a inpatient setting. I was able to work the entire month. Christmas Eve, I get the big idea to use the fire place. We ended up evacuating due to the carbon dioxide alarm sounding. I had to wake up both children to get them out of the house. At the time Santa should have been arriving, the fire department came instead. We were lucky and we could return to the house. So many people don’t have a home during the holidays.

Joy had her first cold right after Christmas. She has been teething the entire month. She was sleeping through the night, then she stopped. Last week, she was coughing herself awake. I worked New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. We had to take her to the ER. She is okay. There was nothing they could do.

Saturday, Joy was still not 100%. We had plans to go to Boston and we needed to shorten the day. We drove in to go out to eat, see some Christmas lights and come home.

My body has been under a lot of stress. The house is at maximum storage capacity. There has been barely time for housework. We are also working with our new dog Buddy to get him house trained. This weekend, I am teaching my oldest to organize her room, which is always a painful process. She was telling me how this is all a sign that I don’t love her for the 9th million time. I went to the bathroom and the worst fear of a cancer survivor occurred. I saw a small lump on my throat. Cancer survivors live in fear of the cancer returning. I grabbed my husband as my oldest was giving me her speech. Somewhere in the late afternoon, we finally organized her room. I decided let’s go shopping and eat out. I am starting that new job this week that I got 3 months ago. I was having anxiety attacks. Yesterday, I called my doctor first second I could in the morning. It was a long day. Joy had her physical too that day. The doctor thinks it’s a calcification. I need an ultra sound and may need surgery. It looks like my breast milk may have rapidly decreased or it is drying up completely.

If you have been following me for years, you may remember this. After a few miscarriages, I began to have cycle problems. I had to be persistent and write it down for months for the doctors. This was before the breast cancer. They couldn’t figure it out. A biopsy showed an uterine staph infection, which I could have gotten from anything like ultra sound machines or having a D&E. Well, I am having problems with my cycles again. I know it could be anything from the breast feeding to menopause. I got up and I realized I had to change my clothing and wash the stool that I sat on. It happens that fast. At this point, I am calling the OB GYN. I called my husband at the gym to return home and went to bed, when he came home.

Today, I am up. I need to clean the house quickly. I am having our pet sitter walk our dog until I can establish a schedule with the new job to come home during the day. The accidents with Buddy are due to the fact he is almost 2 years old and not neutered. He can’t be neutered until obedience school is over due to risks of infections. We have 3 weeks of obedience school left.

My plan today is to get done what I can and rest/relax. I am going to try to fix my low breast milk supply by pumping more. Tomorrow, my work week starts with the kid job. I start the new job on Thursday. At this point, if I have to, I am leaving the job working with kids. Every week, I am starting to wonder what are they going to do to me this week.

I also don’t want anyone to misunderstand me here. I am so grateful for my two daughters on Earth. We had a son, who died 18 weeks into pregnancy. I don’t want to continue to try to have any more babies. It took years to get here. There are a lot of bills due to going out West for embryo donation. I want to sell the house and move to another place. Maybe get a bigger house? Lately, it hurts about his loss. My oldest daughter and I have been joking about how Buddy, the new dog is my Beagle son. It’s a sore spot, but I am closing the book on pregnancy and having more children. I have been doing this since I was 29 years old. I am 41 years old now. I have been pregnant 7 times and I only have two daughters on Earth. I am done!