Tag Archives: #motherhood

Your Pink Elephant Is Real!

I sat through two appointments today about what to do with my youngest, who is 2 year old and having attentional/sensory issues.  This week has been a whirl wind.  I am trying to catch up after having a bad case of the stomach flu.  My oldest had an appointment too, due to her anxiety over middle school.  She is going to be going to counseling for  a bit.

It’s like this. Last fall, we paid a $1000 for the front end of my car to be rebuilt after a tire popped on the highway.  Thankfully, we walked away. I started hearing more noises lately.  It’s an inspection sticker month.  I asked them to look for the source of these noises.   I am hoping they just say your crazy lady.  I returned to get more $1000 estimates on more work to be done.

I was hoping the day of my 2 1/2 year old evaluation I was hoping to hear I was crazy too!  My gut is often correct.  The worry is setting in.  She is two and half and she needs services for attentional/sensory issues.  What is her future going to be like?  What will kindergarten be like?  I feel the guilt, the worry and the blame.

Remember something, my first daughter died from Campomelic Dysplasia.  I was a Rare Mom first.  I learned rather quickly how to advocate for Avery in the 14 weeks we knew.  It happened again.  I advocated for Addison.  Shortly later the breast cancer came.  We are not talking a rare disease or cancer.  Weather it’s migraines or sensory/attention issues, this rare mom is up for the challenge, because Avery Bravery taught me so.  Even through these are more common problems, my brain is on it!

Next week will be a little emotional for me.  It’s my birthday.  I am not grieving getting old.  I grieving my losses.  My father was extremely verbally abusive.  I knew that I was not wanted at an early age.  My mother gave me all she had.  It was my saving grace.  There is still a piece of me that makes me feel like a loser.  It is at this time a year, I miss my mom and my angel children the most.  I see what others have.  The negative thinking is having a field day in my mind. The empty parts of me light up with intensity.   My sadness has lessen compared to other years, when I would wake up in tears around my birthday.  Some days the emptiness of his words punch through.  I have plans to quietly celebrate my day.  This weekend with friends.  Next week, I will celebrate with the girls on the actual day.

Lately, my career path options has been popping up.  My resolution was to bring our family to a healthier path.  I signed papers for the school system to look at my youngest daughter.  She only has about 5 months with Early Intervention.  More time pressures on my schedule at work are possible.  This week was filled with antagonistic comments. I couldn’t fight them.  I feel like I work harder than I need too.  There are other options to make my life easier.  I don’t claim to have the perfect balance.  After Campomelic Dysplasia and Cancer, I don’t have the same priorities. Surely, there must be more options.  Life can’t be this hard.

There is a housing shortage.  All this hard work to get out of this city.  The houses without needing work are too expensive.  The thought of moving out of this house into another fixer upper depresses me.  We put so much into this house.  It may not be this year the big move.  I am hoping.  The last big project is the bathroom being redone.  No house is without work to be done.  Hopefully, we find that dream house and move on.  The other town is top preference.  I was told if my daughter could walk to a bus stop, they would consider transporting her.  Not so much is up in the air as compared to other times in my life.  I am going to hope.  I may take a plunge into a new career move.

PS-The doctor thinks Joy may have some milk protein allergy going on.   She is doing way better on milk free milk like Almond milk.  The eczema cleared up on her skin Her acid reflux meds are fine.  She recently had regular milk by accident.  Her behavior was uncontrollable and she had diarrhea.

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Validation

For months, I have been struggling with someone’s addiction, raising the kids, working 2 jobs and fighting mold at home.  I have been dealing with public outages from my toddler child.  It’s Ellen’s problem.  Aw, isn’t the little girl so cute with her mother running after her.  Work harder Ellen!  Get it done!  Go chase after Joy!

When my daughter Avery died, people didn’t want to hear it or see the pain that being the first of the world.  I locked every door.  I said nothing of any importance.  I kept it polite.  I have my own way of coping with the addiction.  Some I am not proud of.  I have tried everything.  For months, I heard “don’t worry about.  She will grow out of it.”

My professional side was flagging it saying, “no, you need to do something.” I was in between two jobs.  I have been stuck in my own island of pain with a volcano ready to boil over.

Joy had her evaluation yesterday.  Yes, she needs services.  I should have trusted my gut instinct.  I have been very ill all week with a stomach bug that refuses to go away.  The doors are open in my life like this.  I continue to live on a island looking out a window and seeing what everyone else has or to take the risk.  The risk is people are not like math.  People are individuals with their own moods and behaviors.  Closing the doors, there is safety.  It’s lonely, but somewhat more predictable because I am the ship’s captain of sorts.  Close the door, we miss the opportunity to grow and become.  We are on our own fighting these feelings without experts or help.  Kind of like good luck battling the breast inside, while being the breast.

Closing the doors, the kids suffer.  Hope has anxiety.  Joy can’t follow the rules.  Avery Bravery.  I put my hand on the knob. Flinch. I swing the door open.  Here’s to Hope and Joy of life!  I feel like Elsa!   Life is about risk.  One child done.  Hope has an appointment Monday.  I Hope this brings Joy for the family.  If the door remains closed, I will never know.  Okay, I need help.  Let’s see what happens.

💔Heart Breaking Valentine’s Day

I published the last post because I never got to finishing it.  Overall, I am not problem free.  I do feel my depression is lifting.

Last month, my daughter had her 4th eye exam.  I sent my youngest to a drop in daycare center.  The eye doctor thinks my oldest is having migraines due to needing glasses.  Her good eye is over compensating for her bad eye.  She just got new glasses.  We are hoping this will work.

The two jobs are killing me.  So, I increased hours at one job and I in the process of decreasing my hours in the hopes of finally getting rid of the evening job.  It is not worth it mentally or tax wise.  I work Saturday through Wednesday to try to save on child care.  Then, my immediate supervisor quit at my main job.  All of sudden, I have one new boss unannounced.  The guy kind of rapid fired me a bunch of questions.  I had no idea how to answer him.  The evening job is not letting go easily.  I have been taking a training on starting my own business.  I am seriously considering it.  I have ended up working 6 days a week.  I have been lied to and given too much work for being part time evenings.  I am tired of dragging myself.

Last month, my medical oncologist no showed.  It bothered me.  I don’t like the cancer appointments.  I love the reassurance after the appointments that cancer has not been detected.  Friday, bright and early Boston bound, I left for my mammogram appointment.  I took a Benadryl because my anxiety gets extremely high.  Last year, I dropped my wallet in the car and the whole thing was a mess.  This year, I had everything planned until the cell phone cord decided to not work anymore.  We stopped to buy a new cord.  I got the wrong one.  All my stress strategies  were on that phone which was running out of power.  I whined for a while.  Then, I spent the drive (my husband was driving) playing with my youngest.

My oldest has been having a lot of anxiety about school.  She would wake up at 3AM to check her homework.  The only reason that I am aware was one day her homework went missing.  I woke up to her sobbing.  At first, she agreed to counseling.  Now, she has changed her mind.

I decided to take the oldest on a camping trip at the mall with one of her activity groups.  We had the best time.  Coming home, that trip has bitten me.  I have never been away from my youngest.  It was my first night away from her.  My dog apparently was upset as well.

Monday morning, the dog got into the trash.  My husband tried to pull the food out of his mouth.  The dog bite him.  Fridays is daycare for our dog.  He couldn’t go this week because of my mammogram.  This time, he didn’t need stitches.  The dog started acting up.

During the overnight at the mall, I forgot camping pads.  Nothing like sleeping on ceramic title floors in a sleeping bag.  Apparently, I slept on my hand wrong.  I struggled to write on Monday.  I was badly sleep deprived.  The whole dog biting incident happed at 4:30AM.  My husband wakes up at 4:30AM everyday.

I thought this met be stressful for my youngest that I was away.  So, I emailed the family daycare center provider.  She told me she had the perfect day on Monday.  Recently, we had another episode of bad bathroom contractors.  They wrote the estimate for one amount about two weeks ago.  They showed up unannounced asking for more money.  We said no.  They are giving us a hard time about refunding our $3000 deposit.  What I usually do is fix everything.  The credit card is not in my name.  I have been going to support groups without telling everyone due to this summer and all the events.  We started arguing, because someone is use to me just marching in and fixing it.

Tuesday, I got pulled by the family daycare provider that my youngest had a bad day with pulling toys away from the other children.  Well, I figured I will just spend time with the dog and child.  I am out on my driveway doing “leave it.” I spent time with both of them.  We went into the house.  The girls made Valentine’s Day surprises for their father.  I figuring this must be the answer.  My youngest is 2.  She is upset that the dog bite her father.

Yesterday, it was a mess to talk to the new boss and get my work done.  I was up bright and early to finish my work.  My toddler made valentines for the daycare.  She seemed upset about the fact she was going to give them away.  I got disappointed because it was unclear if my husband and I were exchanging gifts.  I brought him cookies and candy.  I gave him money in a card.  I got upset, when I only got chocolate.  I drove my youngest to daycare.  We reviewed the rules.

At noon, I got a text from the day provider to call her now, but my daughter was fine.  Literally, I had to cut someone short for a few minutes to talk to her.  My youngest was hitting the other kids.  Here was the killer.  “We need to talk because I want to know we are on the same page.”  Is she serious?  I called Early Intervention in December.  I reviewed the rules every day.  The kid was doing well for a month.  It was two days of this week.  I came very close to firing the daycare Christmas break, when she almost ran into the parking lot of the library into moving traffic.  I had stream coming out of my ears.  How much same page did she want?

I went to pick up my youngest.  She never gives her any consequences for her behavior.  How many of you would voluntarily pay your taxes if there were no legal consequences? She starts yelling at me my daughter needs a big daycare center next year. Next week is break for the schools and the daycare follows the school system.  Not every daycare does.  This woman is only open when the school is.  She told me that she didn’t want to hear my youngest had perfect days at the drop in daycare.   I got mouthy and asked her who she needed the placement for, when my daughter leaves.  She asked me if I have problems at home with my daughter and I said no.  She is going into dance class by herself.  There are no problems at home.  She informed me that one of the parents complained about my daughter this morning.  AGAIN, I reviewed we use time out at home.  All she told me was she does body checks.  She doesn’t like timeout because the kids don’t like it.  She wants me to develop a crisis plan for my daughter.  I am like why she is suicidal at 2?  Hitting is unfortunately a toddler behavior.  This is when I got pissed.  “She has been hitting people since Monday.”

Isn’t that interesting?  She said she had a perfect day on Monday.  Now she is telling me that she let’s it go if my daughter hasn’t hit over a certain amount.  SO MAJOR QUESTION: HOW LONG HAVE YOU NOT BEEN TELLING ME THIS?  WHO NEEDS TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE!

We left. My preteen is having a melt down about her day.  I am so mad.  For a few hours, I am streaming.  My oldest is giving me such a hard time about getting dress for dance, because she playing on that IPhone.  I am trying not to give the toddler more candy, because she may had too much all day.  She is eating candy in front of the toddler, who of course wants some.  I text the drop in center as well.  They had her once no problems.  The drop in center is just back up daycare.  I told her family provider along time ago that I was hiring the drop in daycare to help like a baby sitter to cover times her daycare was not open.

I sent text messages to another daycare that was expanding and I was referred to by the licensing board of daycares to start with.  It’s in a third town.  We visited during the Christmas break.

I am literally so upset.  I am grocery shopping without a list, when a text message returned.  “We can take your daughter on Monday.”  GIFT!  I wanted to happy dance in the store.  So, I thought this over.  When I got home, I decided this was it.  I told the family daycare provider my daughter will not be back anymore.  We pay for the week in advance.  I would pay for two daycares for one week if needed because my child’s needs are not being met.  So, my poor daughter, she must be so upset.  I had no clue.  TRY TELLING PEOPLE THE TRUTH.  I felt so betrayed!  Tomorrow, we fill out paperwork with the new daycare.  I am going to try to see if I can cancel the days that I signed up for at the drop in center.  I think my youngest should just go to the new daycare instead of two different centers within two weeks.

I know I am writing less.  I have been going to a support group more and finding it helpful!

Life Did Get Better: So Did Joy

PLEASE NOTE: I STARTED THIS ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO.  IT NEVER GOT FINISHED.

I think I was ready to have a nervous break down with Joy.   Somehow! Someway! Little one’s light turned on!  I was constant and last weekend.  The little girl, who barely made it through dance class, she spent the entire class by herself and listening to the teacher.  My jaw dropped!  There she was out on the dance floor by herself and LISTENING TO THE TEACHERS!  WOW!

It wasn’t just dance school.  I heard from daycare that Joy did a 360.  The little one who couldn’t hitting others is listening.

We saw the hematologist.  I was the first family documented in the world for a rare disease.  I know doctors have to bring up all possibilities.  When her iron levels were normal and her blood cells were small.  They had to tell me the other possibility that she was a carrier of a blood disease, if the cells did not grow bigger after another month of iron.  I literally couldn’t breath at times the day of the appointment.  No one was more happier than me to hear she was fine.

Her behavior improved a few weeks ago.  Something clicked for Joy.  The doctors say the anemia had no effect on her mood.  Where did the 360 come from?  The other week after 8 years to put the crib up, we took it down and put the toddler bed up.  I had to redo the room.  It looks like a “BIG” Girl’s room.  I emailed the leader of the parenting group for Joy’s IVF clinic with all the good news.  When Joy went to dance class all by herself, we canceled the evaluation for Early Intervention.  She need constant consequences for her behavior.  The woman who runs daycare wasn’t doing that at all.  Unfortunately, I blew up at her.   Unloading repressed anger gracefully isn’t my strong suit.

I am trying to stop working split shifts and two jobs.  One, as tired as I am, I can never seem to sleep after working during the day and evening.  Two, it screws up my taxes so bad that I might as well deliver pizza for a living.  We do keep trying to look for a house we can afford.  We can’t find one.  We have an argument now.  Either way, the bathroom is getting done this year.  There is a huge possibility of mold growing behind those walls.  I am not risking our health and well being anymore.

I agreed to take more hours at the better paying of the two demons that I work for.  I cut my hours to once a month at the other job.  My medical oncologist office switched to a new hospital affiliation.  I had an appointment schedule for this year during last year’s appointment.  They failed to notify me that one the doctor is no longer there.  Two, a new hospital took over the practice.  Three, your appointment was canceled.  Monday, I had to work extra hours for a no show appointment on their end.  Then, the next day, they told me that I was a “new” patient and they couldn’t find me in the system.  My anxiety has been high.  Cancer patients want reassurance.  Grant, I do freak out with annual exams from an oncologist and a mammogram.  It is like whew cancer is not back today.  I got very angry.  I called a new cancer center in my town.  The new cancer center said, we have quite a few people transferring from over there.  I called whoever they are now and told them I want my records!  They insist they sent a letter.  They insist it must be my fault.  Well, the “quite a few people” are getting one more.  It was a nightmare to leave work early and go driving out in the snow to be stood up by the practice under a new hospital affiliation!  I don’t really care!  Just treat me right!  I am stressed about it!  It’s not good to be a cancer survivor with no mammogram or medical oncologist  appointment.

Tomorrow, Joy starts at a new drop in child center.  She is staying at her daycare center with the school system hours.  I have enough problems sleeping and remembering my own schedule.  I am not hiring another baby sitter to screw up my schedule.  At times, I didn’t know who hired who.  I am not working 6 days a week to pay someone with that type of treatment.  This drop in place is for childcare when I am in a pinch.  That way, I can do my trainings and get my medical appointment done.  As I have said, I am done complaining and hoping someone fixes it.  It’s about what I can do.  It’s also about me not taking on everything as my responsibility.

My oldest is having migraines.  Now, she looses vision for some time. Preteens are tough.  Unfortunately, chocolate is a migraine diet no-no.  I try the best I can as a prying mother!  (laughing!) I don’t have all figure out, but I keep trying.

These Past Few Months…

Writing allows my sanity to flow.  My toddler daughter reminds me how much zest for life we have as small children.  I see pictures of me  at twenty-five year old in a wedding grown.  I believed.  My innocence was taken away, when I learned the baby I was carrying was to die from an awful disease.  My first born had a bell shaped rib cage that refused to let her lungs expand.  I watched her die.  Then, it was the words of others that confused me.  I didn’t care about the social issues.  It was what I felt I needed to do for her and our family.  Then, when a miracle occurred and second one was born, the rug was torn from under the feet of my soul.  I chose bad caregivers with their own agenda to care for her without knowing.  For months, I cried at the level of betrayal.  I learned from that day forward to trust my own gut instinct.  The innocence of a picture of me at twenty-five year old in wedding gown was torn.

When I wanted another baby, I held the silence of the losses.  One miscarriage at six weeks, 18 weeks, 13 weeks and 21 weeks.  I silenced my voice.  Then the breast cancer came and my mother died.  Quiet Ellen!  Can’t you be grateful for the one you have?  I swallowed my pain and disconnected from the world.  I am doing this!  It took 8 years.  Proof, I flew out to the West Coast a few times instant miracle. Joy, my youngest,  was born.  Please don’t take me ungrateful.

The house was covered in black mold, a newborn’s parent worst nightmare. I have gone crazy scrubbing walls at night and getting a few hours to take care of Joy.  This war with the MOLD is always going on.  Somedays, I find it ironic like the negativity in my mind.  Somehow, I got disconnected from the one person I should have been connected with.  He kept drinking.  When I looked into her eyes, I heard my mother say, “do the best you can with what you have.” The mold has mostly fell into silence except when I notice it got a another piece of Joy’s clothing.  The war continues.  Finally, I brought the most expensive dehumidifier ever after a long battle about buying it.  My oldest has migraines now.   It seems puberty related. This morning, I notice, yep another cute shirt gone due to mold. Writing saves my life.

I am trying to reconnect with others. I don’t know if everyone will ever come back who were lost in my quest to have another baby.

As for the mold, I started reaching out to a family friend for help in the construction business.  That exclusive all expensive dehumidifier wouldn’t run continuously for the dumbest reason ever.  The company coils the drain hose.  I order another one.  Same thing again.  The family friend picks up because the company has coiled the drain hose, it’s causing kinks.  He drills a hole in the wood board holding the dehumidifier and puts a cooper tube in to hold the hose straight.  It WORKS!  Meanwhile, I struggling to find the time to load the old one in my car to return it.

I found myself struggling with the schedule of two jobs.  I have to pick up the kids by 3PM.  My daughter was picked to go to school in another town.  Middle school has no afterschool.  There is no public transportation.  I have to stop working and get the kids.  Then, I wait home until 6PM.  I am out to another job.  I noticed my toddler seems extremely impulsive.  She doesn’t like to be alone.  She hates shoes and gloves.  She bolts.  She has almost ran into the street several times.  She won’t eat bread.  It takes a half an hour to dress her in the morning, because she fights with you so much.  I do love her very much.  I very concerned about her behavior.  She is hitting every child at daycare.  Right before Christmas, she ran from the daycare teacher at the library and almost ran into the parking lot.

I started blaming myself because I haven’t had the same amount of time for her as the first.  When I last specialized in children, I learned about sensory disorders.   I don’t know much about them.   I am so concerned about her running into her death because she was hit by a car.  Her behavior is beyond the average toddler.  I made a decision to have Early Intervention look at her because she is like a space ship on continuous warp speed.  I am not worried about autism because that kid loves people.

In the past few months, I have been sleeping right.  I can’t seem to sleep after working at night.  One job is constantly under staff.  I have left at midnight due to it a few times.  Then, I struggle to get up to fight with the toddler to get dress.  My oldest is having anxiety about being late for school.  I have missed many showers.  I tried everything with my schedule.  When I was asked to take on an additional placement at my main job, I agreed as long as I can work additional hours on Sunday.   How does a toddler almost get out to the parking lot of a library? I started looking at other daycares.  All the childcare providers that my oldest had are retiring.  I feel like I am starting over.  Somedays, I very overwhelmed by child care for Joy.  She is in a family daycare that runs on the school schedule.  I started having chest pains last October.  I can’t get to the doctors because I have to wait for my husband to come home.  When Joy comes, I constantly correcting her.  It’s suicide watch 24/7.  My husband actually brunt his vacation days up so I get my trainings done for my license renewal.  I never wait until last second.  Two jobs and a mold war is all I am going to say.  I love her so much.  At 10AM on my days off, it feels like midnight.

I went for a stress test.  I warned the person that I wasn’t going to make my 3PM pick up time a week in advanced.  I am telling her I need a stress test.  So the morning of, she says see you at 3PM.  I told her again.  The daycare closes at 3:30, but she makes us tell her an exact pick up time.  I had to wait two weeks due to trainings, her jury duty and early release days for my oldest.  The test was at 2:15PM.  It was 2:35.  I said something.  The woman looks at me and says, “let’s reschedule it.”  It’s an act of congress for everything.  I am lucky to shower in the morning.  I said look I want to know the results.  They did the condense version.  I had an asthma attack.  You would think all that running after Joy would count as working out.  I bolted from the appointment.  I ran down to the daycare.  Her dog escapes and I am trying so hard to help. (The dog was saved.)   She bolts in the car with one of her kids and leaves.  She talking about Christmas shopping.  I ran out of time.  Christmas Eve, I discovered I ran out of wrapping paper.

I had to do extra hours at both jobs to cover Christmas, New Year’s and two days off. I travel for a living.  It’s a real struggle to make sure I am there at 3 every day.  I have no vacation time because I am part time.  I have to train weekly for a month to submit the paperwork to get my professional license.  We have 2 years to get the trainings done.  I had to cancel or not go due to all the problems at home.  (Side story, one training I was doing on my own lost accreditation.  I had to scramble to find new ones fast.) It was done.  It’s not my style.

Anyways, the stress test was normal because I was never contacted about problems.  I got a letter in the mail my cholesterol is normal first time in 7 years.  It could mean, I am experiencing scar tissue pain from the breast cancer treatment or anxiety attacks.  This is my thoughts on it.

When I looked at that baby day one, I realized how much resentment I was carrying due to the lack of help from other family members with my oldest.  Constantly resenting it does NOTHING!  I promised myself and her that I wasn’t waiting for a caped figure to rescue me.  I am putting that cape on myself.  I am Ellen hear me roar!

I brought the woman at daycare a gift.  She was obvious that she was upset there was no holiday bonus. Of course she is closed Christmas break.  We saved a lot of money switching daycare to her place.  So, I had it.  I found something that takes the pressure off me a lot.  I found a drop in daycare center!  You buy hours and schedule days. I also toured another daycare.  Joy was not prompted.  She sat down in every class and participated.  I am pretty sure she has an impulse problem.  She is blowing out of her dance class.  Her behavior is like the Tasmanian Devil.  Listen, my gut says something is wrong.  I am going to do the right thing here.  Maybe Early Intervention will tell me that I am crazy.  If she needs help, let’s start now before she flunks kindergarten.  If she needs nothing, I have peace of mind.  I am not allowed to practice my profession on my own kids.  I see some concerns.  I don’t think sitting around and wait another year will help.

I feared her return to daycare.  It was an explosion on my part.  I don’t do well with repressed anger.   The night before for eight hours to make money from taking days off.  I worked in a 50 degrees office with work for 3 people.  I apologized.  The women at daycare disagrees with me.  She thinks it’s all behavioral.  You know what there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  I lost two babies due to rare disease.  I flew in my first pregnancy to Maryland to get a second opinion.  Who am I not to ask the question?  We hired the drop in daycare. The pressure is off a little about childcare.  I need to take care of myself.

It really hurt when I went to that IVF clinic chat room and I was put on the spot.  Later, I did talk to the admin person.  It was the other admin person who did that.  I just told her I didn’t think it was the right time for us to interact with them.  I am never going back.  Listen, I fight addiction that is in recovery at home, work two jobs and I try my best.  I am also concerned because Joy’s red blood cells are small.  Her iron levels are normal. It was brought to my attention because the doctor has to worn you about everything that there is a slight possibility she could be the carrier of rare blood disease, which doesn’t effect her health, but may effect her when she goes to have children.  It could just be do to her anemia.  Let’s stop right there.  Our family broke medical history of being the first documented carrier for a different rare disease.  I heard him say slight.  I stopped him and summarized our lives in 5 minutes.  Yes, I can do that in a matter of fact way.  Sadly, it’s our reality.  Some days, I can.  Some days, I can’t.   Joy is my daughter.  I refused to look the rare blood disease.  Of course, my husband says I already did.  Sorry, I am busy looking at daycares right now and getting Early Intervention in.  I am going to keep faith again that isn’t what it seems.  I am crawling with anxiety.  Joy was conceived through embryo donation.  If her cells do not improve, I am feeling a duty to warn BIG TIME.  I did not share this with that group.  Because we don’t know.  Maybe my innocence was destroyed but why panic everyone?  It can’t happen to us…  AGAIN?  If this is the case, I will follow it up and take steps to warn the professionals.   I am not sitting on that.

I also did not feel ready to learn if Joy had genetic donor siblings.  I am not hiding the information from her.  It may someday put my relationship and her sister’s relationship in stress with her.  I don’t tell everyone about donor conception because I feel that is Joy’s choice long term to decide if she wants to disclose the information.  Look what happens just choosing to make decisions that our best for my family.  I have seen the dark side of medical treatment.

As for my oldest and her migraines, I am working hard on diets and regular routines. I am in short the evil mother to a certain preteen.  She had a doctor appointment after the blinding migraine.  She needs to see an eye doctor incase there is damage.  She already had an appointment due to the school mis-documenting she wears glasses and she flunked her eye exam.  We will keep it.

My resolution?  I lived two years sleep deprived.  I miss showers greatly.   I am trying to escape a violent city.  I am trying to take better care of myself.  I need to attend Co-dependents Anonymous more.  It seems to work better than wondering if my therapist knows someone I professional know.  I tried therapy and learned she knew the doctor I worked for.  I never went back.

We have been living a crazy life to fight the mold.  Hopefully, by me not working nights, I can monitor bed times.  Maybe my menstrual cycles will turn normal.  I bleed heavy.  They last for 20 days.  Gee, do you think that impacts my mood?  I gave up coffee.  I tried to quit smoking.  I need to sleep more regularly.  Sleep deprivation is like being drunk from what I am reading.  I don’t know what this year will bring.  Hopefully, we can gut the bathroom be done with the MOLD and the other dark stuff that taunt our lives.

Forget the caped figure!  I am saving myself!  I am putting my own cape on. I need peace with the person in my life.  I do love him.  He had a sore throat and I went crazy looking for a cough drop.  Somehow, I need to accept what is or figure out what to do.  I am not 100% innocent of being a part of the problem.  I need an attitude adjustment too.   of As for my career path, I need to figure a way to make a bigger income.  About $30,000, doesn’t cover daycare.  I can’t be working 6 days straight.  It was a tough decision because neither place was a prime choice.  I chose the one with more money.   For now, I told my very long term job that I will stop working every week regularly.  I am hoping a regular sleep schedule will decrease the stress.  I hope Hope and Joy’s life improves.  My New Year’s Resolution is to keep working on healthy choices for my daughters and I.

 

I Have No Idea of What To Do! Happy New Year’s

2017 was quite a year.  I had to confront my husband’s drinking.  He has not drank in over 6 or 7 months.  His recovery has been tough.  We do argue a lot.  I am trying to find peace in all areas of my life.  Twice this now previous year, lumps were found.  I was lucky to hear it’s not cancer.  I quit smoking.

Life has been challenging.  I don’t know if it I have survived chemo.  Working split shifts at two separate places is not working for me.  I can’t sleep.  I drag myself all the time.  Our youngest is having serious behavioral issues at her family day care center.  She can’t stop slapping other kids.  A few weeks ago, she started to run towards the parking lot at the library, while at daycare.   Last thing I need is to loose another child due to her actions.  I made a decision to have Early Intervention come in.  I am blaming myself.  For 17 months of this kid’s life, I have worked 6 days a week or stayed up all hours of the night to fix the house.  There have been times of uncertainty if I was going to stay married in the past year.  Therapy did not work, because the therapist told me she works with an organization that employs me.  I left.  Plus, she only had hours where I had to bring the toddler with me.

I talked to her doctor and the family daycare, which felt it was a good decision to call Early Invention.  I know a little about sensory disorders.  I am not an expert.  Again it’s like the babysitting.  I feel like I am putting a lot of work in to make it work.  I worked a lot of extra hours to get a few days off and I refused to touch the house.  Overall it was relaxing.  We finished intake at Early Intervention.  A family pet’s struggle with cancer is at an end.  We may be making decisions to put the ferret asleep soon.  More doctor appointments.  The last thing I want as a former cancer patient/infertility patient is more doctor appointments.  Life after the miracle baby didn’t happen as planned.  I daydreamed a life loving a baby during cancer treatment.  At times, I feel stuck.  We owe that big bill for conception.  We want to move.

I need to get to bed.  One thing I have noticed and read about is I am very sleep deprived a lot.  So, I actually got 8 hours on my vacation and it’s been one day back at work and I am already not sleeping.  Early Intervention wants her to stay in family daycare.  The preschool Hope went to eluded that they are planning to retire.  We went on a few daycare center interviews.  One is a drop in center.  I am not getting to my medical appointments because her family daycare has school only hours.  We looked at daycares outside the town that my oldest goes to school.  It’s a longer commute for me.  All I want is to enjoy my daughters.  My youngest is no longer anemic.  Her blood cells are small. So, I began to worry because there is a very slight chance her small blood cells may mean she is a carrier of a rare blood disease, which wouldn’t impact her health.  It would be a problem if she tried to marry or have a child with another carrier.

I found a group of parents.  I barely think of her as a embryo donation child.  I was all excited about finding this group.  I feel guilty for everything she has been through with the house needing emergency repairs for 17 months of her life.  I expressed this.  Someone told me in the group that Early Intervention is going to recommend that I immediately go to therapy.  Like that is a punishment?  I had it.  I am gone from the group completely.  Now, I am concern if my youngest ever meets these people will they be mean to her.

It hurt to make that decision.  Of course, the preteen chimes in.  She didn’t tell me she had a “blinding migraine today.” I am going to bed with a list of calls for Tuesday.  One being the preteen’s doctor.  I am fearing daycare next week.  I am asking for a parenting meeting with the family daycare woman.  One second, she seems on board.  The next second, she is saying why is your child running from you like I am doing something wrong.  My youngest sat right down at the one daycare we visited.  She participated unprompted.  I don’t like dropping my child off, when she may be miserable.  My goal is to develop a plan for both the kids.  The preteen may need meds for the migraines.  If the back up child care place works, I can start getting my appointments done.  It would be a lot of stress off of me.  As for the two jobs, I am working to switch to one place and not be at the other one every week.  Sleep, logging off now!  Good night!

Officially Saying Good Bye To Being Pregnant: Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month

Pregnancy was a Pandora’s box for me.  This is how I explain this to my daughter Hope.  I opened the box and my first daughter Avery died of a rare disease.  Then, Hope came.  The box stayed open and I went on to experience 4 more losses and infertility.  I learned our family was the first documented medical case to carry this horrible rare disease.  A second child Addison died.  If that wasn’t horrible enough, the demon of breast cancer came out of the box and I was diagnosis with in six months of my second daughter’s death.  My mother died 10 months later.  For years, nothing.  No baby.  Then 11 years after the Pandora’s box was open, our last daughter Joy was born.

Joy is two now.  I started the family space cellar a year before our first daughter died.  For years, it nagged me.  After Joy was born, it was finished 11 months after her birth.

For years, I would store everything that Hope had in that cellar.  Joy’s unfinished nursery haunted me before her birth.  Hope would come home in tears. Another baby brother or sister was born at school.  When will it be our turn?

At age 9, Hope asked me to paint the room that is now Joy’s nursery because she felt it was too childish for the playroom/home office.  When I started the trips to the West Coast to start my embryo donation cycles, Hope decided that room was bigger and she asked me to let her switch.  I said, “no.” There are wall decals in that room that were hard to put up.  Two walls were blank.  Upon the news of Joy’s pregnancy.  I decided one wall was to be a rainbow.  At 32 weeks, Hope started one hand print at a time (a color a week) to make that rainbow.  Joy presses her hand against each print.  It’s really going to hurt when the house gets sold.  It’s not on the market yet.

When I decided it was time to have a baby, I kept my eyes on yard sales sometimes.  My babies had a room at this house, I worked on it from the second I found out I was pregnant with Avery.  On the eve before our big trip to England (the belated honeymoon we never got & the last fling before we became parents.), I sit in there weeping.  The baby had multiple birth defects and we had no reason to believe who ever it was would survive.  My anger rose, I pushed all the furniture to the floor screaming no!  My husband was ready to cancel the trip, when I said, “look if the baby is to die, let’s show little one the world.”

I kneeled everywhere at Westminster Abbey begging for my child’s life.  I brought the baby a cross.  We were not of that religion.  This wonderful trip became anxious.  We waited for word from Boston.  Instead of laughing and having the time of our lives, we quietly cried.  I refused pictures of myself the entire pregnancy.  I hope someday, our family returns to England for a happy trip.

Avery saw the world in utero.  We found an expert in Maryland.  We flew down.  I was pregnant with Avery in New York.  Sadly, the week afterwards, Avery was born prematurely, she lived a day and died.  I was a girl of faith and spirituality.  The Pandora box of Pregnancy made me question everything.

Moving from yesterday to today, I kept storing baby items that Joy outgrew.  I see signs of Perimenopause in myself.   Yes, there is no way we could do it again.   All those years of chasing for a Rainbow, it happened.  I was planning to try a yard sale.  Every weekend, I found an excuse.  This weekend we are going to try to have one.  After Joy’s birth, I was asked if I wanted my tubes tied.  I declined. After all those years of trying, it felt like insult to have your tubes tied.  Our family works so hard to pay for her conception back.  I got pregnant with Hope after an infertility evaluation on my own. The babies who never came home had a few things here.  Some outfits, we are keeping incase of grandchildren.  A few years ago, we took the final genetic screening.  It is supposedly, just our generation.  Hope will be fine. So, here’s too hoping.  (Remember Joy was conceived embryo donation.  There is no effect.)  I am skeptical.  It wasn’t suppose to happen after the first lost.

I hope to live to see grandchildren, if my children choose to.  It has been tough to hold each outfit and remember.  Sunday will be a little tough.  When the house is ever sold, I will need consoling.  It was in this house all the babies were suppose to come home to.   After all those years, I am saying good bye.  Hopefully, I will be able to live to see grandchildren.  I have always promised my children if for any reason they end up struggling with infertility, I would be there.  Isn’t strange due to the weather, this yard sale will be occurring on Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

My heart is enraged.

I have been ignored most of my life.  I feel like a failure tonight.  I deal with this emotionally cold marriage.  A marriage where is it like the divorce occurred.  I keep it in and say nothing.  I am sitting in a pile of my sins right now.  The outcome is uncertain.  I tell no one.

My oldest daughter had quite a fit.  She can’t find a notebook and she thinks she is going to have detention.  My youngest is asleep on her rug.  After the oldest had a fit, I went in to check on the youngest.  I found her with arms up and eyes open.  I freaked as a bereaved mom that she had died.  Apparently, she was sleeping with her eyes open and I scared her.  So for an hour, she has been screaming her head off.  She finally fell asleep on her rug.  I plan to make sure she is fast asleep and sneak in to carefully put her in her crib.  I feel inadequate  all the time.  The house, I worked so hard for all hours of the night is back to it’s usual federal disaster zone appearance.

I feel like an embittered old lady at 43.  I so loved the world at 20.  Please bring me home!

My youngest has a double middle name.  One for a dance school teacher who died of cancer.  It’s been a mess.  My oldest has dizzy spells and migraines. The youngest is anemic.  She had a test and she was official diagnosis.  I reach out to the husband of this dance school.  Just like my family of origin, too busy to acknowledge my concerns.  The other mothers of my oldest daughter’s class were like out of control teen agers.  I spoke earlier this month, I felt like I was in high school again with the roll of eyes and them giggling.  Four days a week, I have to be there.

Here I am tonight with the negative thoughts flowing.

Is this paradise after cancer treatment?  A mold filled house that never stays clean. I worked 6 days a week to pay for a baby sitter this summer.  It was pretty clear after my aunt’s funeral.  Once my favorite aunt passes, I will have no connection anymore.   I shut down after the baby died, the cancer came and my mother’s died.  Then, a miracle occurred, I can’t seem to find my way back home.  By home, I mean to a place to be me.  The birthday party was a disaster of no shows and late cancelations.

I secretly worry what all these bladder infections mean.  Did the cancer come back?  I cut off the world to make that miracle.  The world decided I was inadequate.  I see people with families.  I know I have my daughters’ love.  Am I condemned to be loveless in the adult world?  I just want to shower in peace.  There is a piece of me that detests people.  Another part that craves to know I am okay.  I am tired of the S shows.

As for this mold filled house, I always have another plan.  The bathroom is not done.  It needs to be done.   We had to stop looking for another house.  Not enough money for other town.  I am over tired.  Let me end this with this joke.  Okay, we are the first medically documented family carrying this rare disease, which killed our children.  God if you are there, could we win the lottery?  We broke the statistical barriers across the world and over medical history.    So, like could we win the lottery?  It’s a smaller statistical problem.

Mom Is In Pieces: Time To Put My Universe Back Together

I just paid for something that I against my own action.  In the middle of this huge personal crisis, I finally got time to talk out my own feelings with a friend on the phone the same week hubby got the ultimatum.  My period just came.  Joy was sick with a stomach bug and fever.  I had fever seizures, when I was growing up.  Avery, my daughter we lost a day after birth, was suspected to have seizures before her death.  I drove through a yellow light not red.  It had just turned yellow.

Not that I justify what I did.  I suffer from #Menorrhagia.  It’s been 2 years now.  The light turned yellow.  I got that dripping sensation.  I pulled through it.  Down the street, I was pulled over by the police and ticketed.  Just another thing that week…  It was not emotional enough to give your husband the ultimatum about alcohol treatment.  I requested a hearing.  The notice went to the PO Box.  It never came because the zip code was one digit off.  I finally am doing things like go to the bathroom, when your bladder says to go.  I ended up with a second bladder infection within a month due to not drinking enough or taking my medication correctly.

I finally got the call the DMV.  Friends were telling me not to worry because court could take a few months.  I never had a ticket before.  So, I called the week of after Labor Day.  I was pissed (which I never use the word on this blog.)  I should have been in court the day before.  I sent my husband multiple times to the PO Box.  No notice.

I am getting tired of the multiple events happening in life.  The day before the first day of school.  The UTI was hurting so bad.  I had to stop multiple times for the bathroom.  My husband worked from home because the new babysitter couldn’t work that day due to college.  I just started a new position within my agency.  I was late for work.  My oldest rainbow wanted a haircut before returning to school.  I am very new to working in a nursing home.  I have no clue.  I am not new to my field.  I am one of the veterans that made it.  (I am finding benefit to getting old and being middle aged.) We have new contracts and I am trying very hard.  I was running late.  I got the oldest a haircut. My husband is doing well.  He has been alcohol free since the day before our anniversary.  He had his group the night afterwards.  I decided I am going to the doctor’s.  I went to the doctor’s.  Another UTI.  I drop the oldest at home. I get my meds and the last item on my daughter’s back to school list.   I got the dog from daycare.  Joy had an open house at her new daycare.  I am trying to throw together all the stuff for daycare.  I am telling him that I will eat my diner in the car.

We are rushing to the daycare.  I didn’t get a chance to look at my cell phone.  My favorite aunt called me three times.  “Maryellen, this is important.” I called her.  My mother was one of five girls.  Only two aunts were remaining.  My other aunt was found dead by her daughter due to natural causes.  I don’t have the tears anymore.  We pull up to the daycare.  My aunt is telling me just get the girls ready for school.  I did pull aside Joy’s new daycare teacher.  I just told her I was not well and I learned my aunt died 5 minutes earlier.  Aunt Eileen worked at Walmart until her death, because she could not afford retirement.  The fact she did not show for work is when the boss called her emergency contact (her daughter).  Our family has strong work values.  Strangely enough, I called my favorite Aunt before Labor Day, because we had an argument over the girls’ birthday party.  The thought crossed my head working in the nursing home, if she ever dies and we never talked again.

It was the Eve of the first day of school.  My oldest is now old enough to stay home by herself and she refused to go to the open house.  I did the best I could with the open house.  I braced to tell my oldest.  My favorite aunt was crying so hard.  She is the only one left.  Her children live in Florida and the hurricane was coming.

There is a miracle to this story.  Her son for years was waiting for a kidney transplant.  In the mist of all this death and chaos, the following week, a kidney was found for him.

So, the next day, I go to go to court to talk about the missed hearing.  My youngest fell asleep.  I said to my oldest, I will go tomorrow.  I promised my favorite aunt we would go and bring her lunch.  Of course, I picked the restaurant being remodeled.  We ran late, which is the family theme song.  I refused to not show up on my aunt.  At 3:30, we get to the court.  The clerk is pissed that it is Friday afternoon and we show up.  He has an adult melt down on me like a toddler.  I see my oldest sit down.  She is telling me to just pay the ticket so I won’t go to jail.  I am reassuring her that we don’t lock up people for getting their first tickets.  She is almost in tears.  This guy is so Narcissistic.  Now he is telling me he is going to be my savior and give me these magical numbers.  The short of this blog is.  I still don’t have this family and work balance down.

Hope is adjusting to middle school.  Apparently, when I gave her Dad the ultimatum and judged myself harshly for doing this in front of her, she has learned to stand up in school against the bullies.  Twice this year, the story end with, “I told the teacher.” I high five her every time.  Otherwise, she has been sobbing in public like a kindergartener whenever she is corrected.

Here I am found guilty because the notice failed to show.  Did the state send it?  Are they guilty for not sending it.  The clerk was rude.  He was saying things like, “so are you going to say it’s your baby’s fault.” I ended up hiring an internet lawyer.  So, wow what a change at the court house.  All of sudden, it was come in and we will just give you a new date.  Nothing needed to be filed.

I went to my first therapy session last week.  My youngest had a blood draw for her last lead test (lead tests are now drawn twice.)  I went to the post office and spoke with the manager to make him aware that I was found guilty because I never got the notice.  I went to the school to get my other daughter.  We were getting ready for a cancer event.  The doctor’s office called.  She was fine, except we got called back in because her blood tests didn’t look right.  That same night on the way back from the event, our passenger side tire blew out on the highway.  I drove my oldest home late that night.  I had to argue with the tow truck driver.

Again there is no affordable child care options here.  I worked 6 days to pay a babysitter this summer.   I work Saturdays and Sundays to keep the daycare cost down.  My poor toddler daughter.  I had an hour to catch the lab again.  I drove her back to the doctor’s office.  She cried even harder than before.  I hid my face and I was crying too.  I never made it to the court house.

Wednesday of last week was my aunt’s awake.  My husband couldn’t go due to needing to watch the baby.  My brother and sister were going to be there.  I hadn’t seen them since my mother’s burial.  My brother is an alcoholic.  My sister has anger management issues.  When my oldest was 6 months old, my siblings made my life miserable, by saying I was mental ill because I wouldn’t let my first daughter’s death go.  My oldest daughter was suppose to go with me.  I picked out a skirt and a shirt.  She got the time wrong on her dance class.  She comes out in these loud printed pants.  She didn’t pack the skirt or shirt.  I told her she couldn’t go.  She began to sob like a 5 year old child publically embarrassing me in front of her dance school.  I drove her to meet my husband at a restaurant.  I was going to hand off the baby to him.  He was upset we were late.  He walks in front of my car making faces.  I told him that I wasn’t going to eat with them.  I got back in the car.  I picked up a sandwich at a store.  I gave the woman a prepaid credit card with a $1 on it by accident.  I wanted to cry so hard.  I managed to get there.  No parking.  So, I walked.  I spoke to my cousins.  I watched my siblings for a bit.  Then, I slowly went over to them.  Neither of them have seen the youngest ever.  We talked and my brother turned cold.  He told me he need to talk to my cousins.  No hug.  Nothing.

I saw my cousin later.  I threw out the idea that all the cousins should get together sometime.  She told me, “people do have lives.” I am seeing after my favorite aunt dies, I will be separated from all my cousins and family.  I am done grieving this.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

My oldest had a battery of  migraine tests today.  Yesterday, it was my last chance to go to court.  My youngest has low iron.  I have spent the week calling doctor offices.  Yesterday, after fighting this ticket hard.  I had 5 days left.  I just started a new position within my agency.  My oldest left the courthouse fearing my arrest.  Yesterday, I looked at that little girl.  Finally after all these weeks of trying to fight this one ticket.  I plead guilty and just paid it, because there is no childcare to help.   Last week, the agency for the first time ever, they didn’t pay me for Labor Day because I am part time.  I needed that money.

I feel like a dog chasing her tail.  I don’t want to say the summer was the worst, because the summer I had breast cancer treatment was the worst.  Every day, I feel disrespected.  I feel better not being home.  Thankfully, I have made some new friends.  Otherwise, I feel ignored.  I feel other mothers laughing at me.  They don’t get the alcoholism moved in.  I have been desperately trying to control that is not mine.  Somehow, I hold on to the hope that my personal joy will prevail and I will find an inner peace somehow.  I am reaching out beyond my home for help with this demon.  Yes, your honor.  I am guilty.  My kids need me right now.   I don’t have all this time to chase courts and ignorant clerks around.  I am pretty sure I have my third bladder infection.  I want the multiple crisis.  to end.   I need to work on self care.

Like The Song: Summer Has Been Cruel

How does one pick up the pieces after you give your own spouse an ultimatum to get into alcohol treatment or leave the house?  I know I haven’t written in forever.  It’s been an act of congress for me to go to the bathroom over the pass few weeks never mind blogging.  I wanted to stop remodeling and put the house back together right after he started substance abuse treatment.  Our house was in pieces.  He wanted to continue.  With tears in my eyes, I packed the cabinets.

Fast forward to the family vacation about 3 weeks ago.  We just finished painting the cabinets.  Everything is in boxes.  This is your idea of vacation?  The cabinets look awesome in beige.  I had a real rotten day right before vacation.  Sleep has been bare minimal prior to vacation.  I ended up sick with a bladder infection because I work two part time jobs around my children’s schedules, there is no sick time or vacation time.  I have spent most of my summer fearing what to financially do as a single parent.  He went into treatment.  Our toddler is a very active girl.  Put her down for one second and it is one second too long.  I am forever joking she is a toddler ninja master.  I think my reflexes have improved since she started walking.  My oldest was a thoughtful child.  You could leave her in her room for hours with only a book.  This one, I had to become a ninja master quick.  I need to predict her quick before toddler finds trouble.

My last work day before vacation was awful.  The original babysitter took the girls to lunch.  I was hoping for a hamburger about a week.  She took them to a burger place.  I was left with their uneaten lunches.  All I thought was that 20 minutes to pack lunches which could have been used for more sleep or a shower.  Of course the girls didn’t want burgers.  I went to a convent store, which served burgers and sandwiches.  The guy behind the counter comes out to tell me that they are out of burgers.  Our toddler is extremely fussy about food.  I brought her something.  She threw it around the car.  We went to one store to do quick clothing shopping for the girls birthday pictures.   I had to pick through summer clearance.  I had personalized shirts made for the girls.  I wasn’t finding anything that matched for my toddler Joy.  I was pushed against time.  I brought a dress even through I wanted something more.  We couldn’t go to another store.  The dog was waiting.

I get home survey the disaster zone and began to freak out because of course one of the personalized shirts is missing.  I did find it.  I knew the house was a complete disaster.  I literally offering to send my husband with the girls over the few days up North so I could stay home.  I see this isn’t going to be an easy clean up.  One job was threatening not to pay me for the week.  There are still all these little projects to do.  The house has to be perfect by a week.  A new babysitter is starting to care for them at our house.  My work schedule is changing for to accommodate my oldest going to middle school.  The other babysitter decided she wanted Mondays and Tuesdays off to spend time with her husband.  I have worked 6 days a week to pay her wages.  Isn’t love grand when you have it?  I have not been a twinkle in anyone’s eye for many years.  Fear of being a single parent has kept me up many nights.  He comes home from his groups sober and right to bed.  The emotional divorce continues.

Believe or not, I found the personalized shirt with Joy screaming in the background.  It occurred to me to just put the shirt over the dress, because that was the best match.  The other bottoms just didn’t work.  I get in the car picture morning.  He brought me earnings and apologizes.  I am in tears.  Okay maybe this will all work out.  We get the pictures done and grab a quick bite to eat.  The photographer tells me her infertility story no kids.  She is in dept and the mall is being torn down.  Time to put the kitchen back together.  This is when all the problems happen.

My mother was in a horrible car accident, when I was younger.  She was hit by a car and she never walked again.  It ended her life earlier due to medical problems.  She brought us what we needed at the time with her settlement money.  The only item, she brought was a antique piece of furniture called a dry sink from the 1800’s.  I noticed it was deteriorating.  During a small flood, the water almost reached it.  I begged my inlaws to take it.  They wouldn’t.  I live in one of the smallest houses in the state.  All these people with big houses crack me up with, “I don’t have the room.”  How come some how I find the room?  We got this idea to replace the microwave cart with the dry sink.  Dry sink have very fancy tops.  We brought this microwave shelf to hang our microwave.  We took measurements.  It was close.  We were running out of money.  I didn’t know my husband took some emergency money and our helpful friend was getting paid.  He came over to finish the counter top edges.  One still remains undone.  The house was already a disaster zone.  The space just got tighter.  My husband is in early recovery now.  So, I gave him Joy duty.  I gave him all errands after he went to the gym.  The bulk of the work was up to me.  We hadn’t touched the bathroom at this point.  The dry sink makes it so I have rearrange table chairs.  The microwave shelf didn’t work.  After trying to develop options, we end up putting the microwave on the counter.

I ended up with a cold.  I promised myself no late painting jobs.  I have a secret that I don’t share with my husband.   I was in individual therapy and some couples counseling after Addison died and we were consider our options to have another child.  I worked with the psychologist for three years.  I stopped going because I felt the crisis with our daughter’s still birth, my cancer treatment and my mother’s death was over.  I went to her, when my biological father died, my husband’s drinking picked up and he refused a hearing test.  She told me something that I have held a secret.  She thinks he may have high functioning autism.  I am not sure is fully true, because if you ever met my in-laws they are very verbally abusive.  The strange thing is, boy does he love her.  I was begging this woman for help because our marriage was falling apart.  I asked her to help me with his drinking and refusing a hearing test.  She said he didn’t have a drinking problem or hearing loss.  She said the biggest problem was neither one of us met each other’s needs anymore.  She told me if I really cared for him that I need to embrace his high functioning autism and deal with it.  I left in silent tears.  She gave him the biggest hug.    For the record, he failed his hearing test about a year later.  Here we are in alcohol treatment mode.  Damn, you must have missed something rather big there!

I got a cold and stayed up late.  I worked after Joy went to bed with very few hours sleep because he was in group to stop drinking. Here is Wednesday, the last night before we left for NH.  The house is still a disaster zone.  It’s getting better.  I am waiting for the fire department to fine me.  I start in on the bathroom.  Just paint the walls and closet this should be quick.  We had a brown medicine cabinet.  Things are financial tight.  I figure, I will just paint the medicine cabinet white.  We had this awesome surprise for my oldest.  There is a boat that serves ice cream she always wanted to go on.  I got her surprise tickets.  I busy packing, cleaning and finding birthday gifts.  I went to use the spray paint.  I am really sick with the cold.  This cloud of white paint covers the whole bathroom.  It’s everywhere.  I order the evacuation of the house.  I have an asthma attack.  Here I am scrubbing the paint off before it ruins everything.

We ran out of the house to drop off the ferret at the caretaker’s house.  We did drive through and it took so long.  I told my husband to drive off.  We had nothing to eat.  We drop the ferret off.  I am joyfully teasing Hope about her surprise.  I messed up the time of the boat.  It was for 7 not 7:30.  She is crying hard.  The cruise is telling me that they would try to sell the tickets for me to get my money back.  I was so hurt.  Here I am barely speaking to them because I am congested.  They sold half the tickets.  We had to rebuy tickets for Labor weekend.  I single handedly screwed up the surprise.  The bathroom is still to be painted.  I pleaded again to stay home and let the family go on vacation.  I decided I am going to finish this by staying up all night.  We had problems with the paint.  I ran out of paint at 5AM.  I want my mother at this point.  They all woke up.  It was time to go. I am trying to finish the bathroom closet with ceiling paint.   I barely slept in the car.  My daughter went into these caves in NH.  My toddler decides she is going to walk all 1,000 steps on her own.  Remember, I have a lot of neurological damage in my left arm.  I am struggling to hold her from committing suicide by falling into a crave.  The hotel was awful.  It smelled of pot.  Hope decided to stay up all night talking to me.  My husband left his bag at home.  We had to rush to buy emergency clothing.  I am trying to explain early recovery to my husband, because I have done substance abuse counseling for years.  He is blowing up at me left and right.  All I am thinking is I have to work Saturday and Sunday.  The new babysitter starts Monday.

We had one good day.  Saturday, I finally got an antique photo of the family.  This was very important to me.  Before chemo, we had an antique photo of the family.  I wanted another to include Joy.  My daughter was upset because we never got to go to the mountain she wanted.  The ride home was a drive against the clock, because I had to work.  I went to work.  I came home and started cleaning.  I got a few hours of sleep.  Sunday, I went to work exhausted.  My husband finished painting.  The new babysitter is not responding to answer my texts or calls.  Sunday, I told my husband to make alternate arrangements.  I was up until 3AM the house was done.  7:30 rolled around.  No babysitter.  For the first time in my life, my in-laws agreed to help.  I told the woman she was fired.  I was suppose to train for the new position.  The trainer ended up late and it all worked out.  I texted my original babysitter about the situation.  She treated me as if I dropped the ball somehow.  I was scheduled for job two at night.  I called them crying telling them that I needed to leave work early.  I was so tired that I got lost in my own city.  What a way to start a new position!  By the end of the day, I had three possible babysitters.

I worked on the birthday party for the rest of the week.  This year, we had a joint party/open house.  Again, I invited everyone to bring them back into our lives.  Somehow, we got alienated between the baby death and my breast cancer.  I have been trying to draw our friends back.  All week, I heard all the excuses.  I survived breast cancer.  I know what my priorities are.  Hope wanted to go to this event and hour away.  I know it was birthday hostess suicide.  Life is about enjoying those girls that I worked so hard for.  It was going to rain anyways.  We couldn’t set up for the party.  He had his last group.  There were 8 baskets of laundry to be folded.  He stay for half of the group and came home to help.  I ran into traffic.  We drove around crazy trying to put everything together.  He comes home and says, “I am going to bed.”

Hope made slime in the basement and dropped corn starch everywhere.  The water slide was bigger than our yard.  My husband tried to set it up.  Hope left the chairs around it.  The moment it went on, it drenched all the chairs.  I am trying to dry them up.  I am yelling this isn’t set up right.  I haven’t been able to shower and I have an odor.  I am screaming for her to clean it up.  I get 2 minutes for a shower.  I am literally throwing this together within the last 15 minutes.  The guests come.  I usually like the food out before hand.  At this point, it is what it is.  Fifteen minutes into the party, I get the water slide to work.

I say to him, can you clean up?  I am emotionally tired at this point.  Only a handful came.  I am still getting excuse texts even after the party.  He puts three things in the refrig and tells me, “I am going to the gym.” I worked the next day.  A neighbor is taking the kids for the next few weeks until school starts.  She couldn’t take them that Monday, so I hired a different babysitter to fill in, so my neighbor could get a mammogram.  I go to work Sunday.  I end up cleaning up Sunday night.

I am emotionally drained.  The babysitter no showing the week caused me to cancel my individual therapy appointment to embrace who my husband is.  I think I really need to get back on track with my life.  If you survived child loss, cancer and infertility, you can understand when I say life is short.  For years, I have been making everything perfect.  I am done with the babysitters.  I am in the middle of starting a new position.  One job did not pay me for this vacation.  I could have used my emergency savings, but I didn’t because I don’t know what will happen.  Am I going to end up a single parent.  I have having problems with both jobs.  I saw an official description of my job and I am listed as an unlicensed professional.  I am wondering if they are not paying me the right wage on purpose.  The other job wants more.  I haven’t had more to give myself a shower never mind more time at a job.  Then, it looks like we are owing taxes again.  Actually, my depression has been better, because I quit whining and went out and made new friends.  Those friend have been about the only ones to make sure I am okay.  Several times, I have been almost ready to cut them off.  My husband appears in-decisive about us moving.  The truth is for me to work longer hours, my oldest needs to live in the same town she goes to school in.

I told my husband to get a loan and finish the house with professionals. I am done at this point.   I work so hard for those girls.  My action plan for myself is the following: 1. sleep, 2. shower, 3. go to the bathroom as needed, 4. go back to running & 5. get involved with the 12 step program.  As for the jobs, for $30,000 a year, is it worth it?  The job that may be underpaying me is going to told to other resolve my issue with my job title or I am not available.  The other job needed my office space on the weekdays, which forced me to work Saturdays.  This is an issue due to activities with my kids.  I may have to start looking to get rid of both jobs.  This is going to hurt, because one I have worked since my daughter was 3 months old.  I am important and I deserve better.  It’s time to start living again.  Isn’t that the point of survivorship?

PS-Hope did have a wonderful birthday in NH.  Friday is my new day off with my new schedule.  Joy had a wonderful birthday too!  She keeps singing happy birthday to herself.  We went to a fair today.  Summer is over.  I feel like I am ready for it to begin.