Tag Archives: #children

Officially Saying Good Bye To Being Pregnant: Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month

Pregnancy was a Pandora’s box for me.  This is how I explain this to my daughter Hope.  I opened the box and my first daughter Avery died of a rare disease.  Then, Hope came.  The box stayed open and I went on to experience 4 more losses and infertility.  I learned our family was the first documented medical case to carry this horrible rare disease.  A second child Addison died.  If that wasn’t horrible enough, the demon of breast cancer came out of the box and I was diagnosis with in six months of my second daughter’s death.  My mother died 10 months later.  For years, nothing.  No baby.  Then 11 years after the Pandora’s box was open, our last daughter Joy was born.

Joy is two now.  I started the family space cellar a year before our first daughter died.  For years, it nagged me.  After Joy was born, it was finished 11 months after her birth.

For years, I would store everything that Hope had in that cellar.  Joy’s unfinished nursery haunted me before her birth.  Hope would come home in tears. Another baby brother or sister was born at school.  When will it be our turn?

At age 9, Hope asked me to paint the room that is now Joy’s nursery because she felt it was too childish for the playroom/home office.  When I started the trips to the West Coast to start my embryo donation cycles, Hope decided that room was bigger and she asked me to let her switch.  I said, “no.” There are wall decals in that room that were hard to put up.  Two walls were blank.  Upon the news of Joy’s pregnancy.  I decided one wall was to be a rainbow.  At 32 weeks, Hope started one hand print at a time (a color a week) to make that rainbow.  Joy presses her hand against each print.  It’s really going to hurt when the house gets sold.  It’s not on the market yet.

When I decided it was time to have a baby, I kept my eyes on yard sales sometimes.  My babies had a room at this house, I worked on it from the second I found out I was pregnant with Avery.  On the eve before our big trip to England (the belated honeymoon we never got & the last fling before we became parents.), I sit in there weeping.  The baby had multiple birth defects and we had no reason to believe who ever it was would survive.  My anger rose, I pushed all the furniture to the floor screaming no!  My husband was ready to cancel the trip, when I said, “look if the baby is to die, let’s show little one the world.”

I kneeled everywhere at Westminster Abbey begging for my child’s life.  I brought the baby a cross.  We were not of that religion.  This wonderful trip became anxious.  We waited for word from Boston.  Instead of laughing and having the time of our lives, we quietly cried.  I refused pictures of myself the entire pregnancy.  I hope someday, our family returns to England for a happy trip.

Avery saw the world in utero.  We found an expert in Maryland.  We flew down.  I was pregnant with Avery in New York.  Sadly, the week afterwards, Avery was born prematurely, she lived a day and died.  I was a girl of faith and spirituality.  The Pandora box of Pregnancy made me question everything.

Moving from yesterday to today, I kept storing baby items that Joy outgrew.  I see signs of Perimenopause in myself.   Yes, there is no way we could do it again.   All those years of chasing for a Rainbow, it happened.  I was planning to try a yard sale.  Every weekend, I found an excuse.  This weekend we are going to try to have one.  After Joy’s birth, I was asked if I wanted my tubes tied.  I declined. After all those years of trying, it felt like insult to have your tubes tied.  Our family works so hard to pay for her conception back.  I got pregnant with Hope after an infertility evaluation on my own. The babies who never came home had a few things here.  Some outfits, we are keeping incase of grandchildren.  A few years ago, we took the final genetic screening.  It is supposedly, just our generation.  Hope will be fine. So, here’s too hoping.  (Remember Joy was conceived embryo donation.  There is no effect.)  I am skeptical.  It wasn’t suppose to happen after the first lost.

I hope to live to see grandchildren, if my children choose to.  It has been tough to hold each outfit and remember.  Sunday will be a little tough.  When the house is ever sold, I will need consoling.  It was in this house all the babies were suppose to come home to.   After all those years, I am saying good bye.  Hopefully, I will be able to live to see grandchildren.  I have always promised my children if for any reason they end up struggling with infertility, I would be there.  Isn’t strange due to the weather, this yard sale will be occurring on Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

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My heart is enraged.

I have been ignored most of my life.  I feel like a failure tonight.  I deal with this emotionally cold marriage.  A marriage where is it like the divorce occurred.  I keep it in and say nothing.  I am sitting in a pile of my sins right now.  The outcome is uncertain.  I tell no one.

My oldest daughter had quite a fit.  She can’t find a notebook and she thinks she is going to have detention.  My youngest is asleep on her rug.  After the oldest had a fit, I went in to check on the youngest.  I found her with arms up and eyes open.  I freaked as a bereaved mom that she had died.  Apparently, she was sleeping with her eyes open and I scared her.  So for an hour, she has been screaming her head off.  She finally fell asleep on her rug.  I plan to make sure she is fast asleep and sneak in to carefully put her in her crib.  I feel inadequate  all the time.  The house, I worked so hard for all hours of the night is back to it’s usual federal disaster zone appearance.

I feel like an embittered old lady at 43.  I so loved the world at 20.  Please bring me home!

My youngest has a double middle name.  One for a dance school teacher who died of cancer.  It’s been a mess.  My oldest has dizzy spells and migraines. The youngest is anemic.  She had a test and she was official diagnosis.  I reach out to the husband of this dance school.  Just like my family of origin, too busy to acknowledge my concerns.  The other mothers of my oldest daughter’s class were like out of control teen agers.  I spoke earlier this month, I felt like I was in high school again with the roll of eyes and them giggling.  Four days a week, I have to be there.

Here I am tonight with the negative thoughts flowing.

Is this paradise after cancer treatment?  A mold filled house that never stays clean. I worked 6 days a week to pay for a baby sitter this summer.  It was pretty clear after my aunt’s funeral.  Once my favorite aunt passes, I will have no connection anymore.   I shut down after the baby died, the cancer came and my mother’s died.  Then, a miracle occurred, I can’t seem to find my way back home.  By home, I mean to a place to be me.  The birthday party was a disaster of no shows and late cancelations.

I secretly worry what all these bladder infections mean.  Did the cancer come back?  I cut off the world to make that miracle.  The world decided I was inadequate.  I see people with families.  I know I have my daughters’ love.  Am I condemned to be loveless in the adult world?  I just want to shower in peace.  There is a piece of me that detests people.  Another part that craves to know I am okay.  I am tired of the S shows.

As for this mold filled house, I always have another plan.  The bathroom is not done.  It needs to be done.   We had to stop looking for another house.  Not enough money for other town.  I am over tired.  Let me end this with this joke.  Okay, we are the first medically documented family carrying this rare disease, which killed our children.  God if you are there, could we win the lottery?  We broke the statistical barriers across the world and over medical history.    So, like could we win the lottery?  It’s a smaller statistical problem.

Like The Song: Summer Has Been Cruel

How does one pick up the pieces after you give your own spouse an ultimatum to get into alcohol treatment or leave the house?  I know I haven’t written in forever.  It’s been an act of congress for me to go to the bathroom over the pass few weeks never mind blogging.  I wanted to stop remodeling and put the house back together right after he started substance abuse treatment.  Our house was in pieces.  He wanted to continue.  With tears in my eyes, I packed the cabinets.

Fast forward to the family vacation about 3 weeks ago.  We just finished painting the cabinets.  Everything is in boxes.  This is your idea of vacation?  The cabinets look awesome in beige.  I had a real rotten day right before vacation.  Sleep has been bare minimal prior to vacation.  I ended up sick with a bladder infection because I work two part time jobs around my children’s schedules, there is no sick time or vacation time.  I have spent most of my summer fearing what to financially do as a single parent.  He went into treatment.  Our toddler is a very active girl.  Put her down for one second and it is one second too long.  I am forever joking she is a toddler ninja master.  I think my reflexes have improved since she started walking.  My oldest was a thoughtful child.  You could leave her in her room for hours with only a book.  This one, I had to become a ninja master quick.  I need to predict her quick before toddler finds trouble.

My last work day before vacation was awful.  The original babysitter took the girls to lunch.  I was hoping for a hamburger about a week.  She took them to a burger place.  I was left with their uneaten lunches.  All I thought was that 20 minutes to pack lunches which could have been used for more sleep or a shower.  Of course the girls didn’t want burgers.  I went to a convent store, which served burgers and sandwiches.  The guy behind the counter comes out to tell me that they are out of burgers.  Our toddler is extremely fussy about food.  I brought her something.  She threw it around the car.  We went to one store to do quick clothing shopping for the girls birthday pictures.   I had to pick through summer clearance.  I had personalized shirts made for the girls.  I wasn’t finding anything that matched for my toddler Joy.  I was pushed against time.  I brought a dress even through I wanted something more.  We couldn’t go to another store.  The dog was waiting.

I get home survey the disaster zone and began to freak out because of course one of the personalized shirts is missing.  I did find it.  I knew the house was a complete disaster.  I literally offering to send my husband with the girls over the few days up North so I could stay home.  I see this isn’t going to be an easy clean up.  One job was threatening not to pay me for the week.  There are still all these little projects to do.  The house has to be perfect by a week.  A new babysitter is starting to care for them at our house.  My work schedule is changing for to accommodate my oldest going to middle school.  The other babysitter decided she wanted Mondays and Tuesdays off to spend time with her husband.  I have worked 6 days a week to pay her wages.  Isn’t love grand when you have it?  I have not been a twinkle in anyone’s eye for many years.  Fear of being a single parent has kept me up many nights.  He comes home from his groups sober and right to bed.  The emotional divorce continues.

Believe or not, I found the personalized shirt with Joy screaming in the background.  It occurred to me to just put the shirt over the dress, because that was the best match.  The other bottoms just didn’t work.  I get in the car picture morning.  He brought me earnings and apologizes.  I am in tears.  Okay maybe this will all work out.  We get the pictures done and grab a quick bite to eat.  The photographer tells me her infertility story no kids.  She is in dept and the mall is being torn down.  Time to put the kitchen back together.  This is when all the problems happen.

My mother was in a horrible car accident, when I was younger.  She was hit by a car and she never walked again.  It ended her life earlier due to medical problems.  She brought us what we needed at the time with her settlement money.  The only item, she brought was a antique piece of furniture called a dry sink from the 1800’s.  I noticed it was deteriorating.  During a small flood, the water almost reached it.  I begged my inlaws to take it.  They wouldn’t.  I live in one of the smallest houses in the state.  All these people with big houses crack me up with, “I don’t have the room.”  How come some how I find the room?  We got this idea to replace the microwave cart with the dry sink.  Dry sink have very fancy tops.  We brought this microwave shelf to hang our microwave.  We took measurements.  It was close.  We were running out of money.  I didn’t know my husband took some emergency money and our helpful friend was getting paid.  He came over to finish the counter top edges.  One still remains undone.  The house was already a disaster zone.  The space just got tighter.  My husband is in early recovery now.  So, I gave him Joy duty.  I gave him all errands after he went to the gym.  The bulk of the work was up to me.  We hadn’t touched the bathroom at this point.  The dry sink makes it so I have rearrange table chairs.  The microwave shelf didn’t work.  After trying to develop options, we end up putting the microwave on the counter.

I ended up with a cold.  I promised myself no late painting jobs.  I have a secret that I don’t share with my husband.   I was in individual therapy and some couples counseling after Addison died and we were consider our options to have another child.  I worked with the psychologist for three years.  I stopped going because I felt the crisis with our daughter’s still birth, my cancer treatment and my mother’s death was over.  I went to her, when my biological father died, my husband’s drinking picked up and he refused a hearing test.  She told me something that I have held a secret.  She thinks he may have high functioning autism.  I am not sure is fully true, because if you ever met my in-laws they are very verbally abusive.  The strange thing is, boy does he love her.  I was begging this woman for help because our marriage was falling apart.  I asked her to help me with his drinking and refusing a hearing test.  She said he didn’t have a drinking problem or hearing loss.  She said the biggest problem was neither one of us met each other’s needs anymore.  She told me if I really cared for him that I need to embrace his high functioning autism and deal with it.  I left in silent tears.  She gave him the biggest hug.    For the record, he failed his hearing test about a year later.  Here we are in alcohol treatment mode.  Damn, you must have missed something rather big there!

I got a cold and stayed up late.  I worked after Joy went to bed with very few hours sleep because he was in group to stop drinking. Here is Wednesday, the last night before we left for NH.  The house is still a disaster zone.  It’s getting better.  I am waiting for the fire department to fine me.  I start in on the bathroom.  Just paint the walls and closet this should be quick.  We had a brown medicine cabinet.  Things are financial tight.  I figure, I will just paint the medicine cabinet white.  We had this awesome surprise for my oldest.  There is a boat that serves ice cream she always wanted to go on.  I got her surprise tickets.  I busy packing, cleaning and finding birthday gifts.  I went to use the spray paint.  I am really sick with the cold.  This cloud of white paint covers the whole bathroom.  It’s everywhere.  I order the evacuation of the house.  I have an asthma attack.  Here I am scrubbing the paint off before it ruins everything.

We ran out of the house to drop off the ferret at the caretaker’s house.  We did drive through and it took so long.  I told my husband to drive off.  We had nothing to eat.  We drop the ferret off.  I am joyfully teasing Hope about her surprise.  I messed up the time of the boat.  It was for 7 not 7:30.  She is crying hard.  The cruise is telling me that they would try to sell the tickets for me to get my money back.  I was so hurt.  Here I am barely speaking to them because I am congested.  They sold half the tickets.  We had to rebuy tickets for Labor weekend.  I single handedly screwed up the surprise.  The bathroom is still to be painted.  I pleaded again to stay home and let the family go on vacation.  I decided I am going to finish this by staying up all night.  We had problems with the paint.  I ran out of paint at 5AM.  I want my mother at this point.  They all woke up.  It was time to go. I am trying to finish the bathroom closet with ceiling paint.   I barely slept in the car.  My daughter went into these caves in NH.  My toddler decides she is going to walk all 1,000 steps on her own.  Remember, I have a lot of neurological damage in my left arm.  I am struggling to hold her from committing suicide by falling into a crave.  The hotel was awful.  It smelled of pot.  Hope decided to stay up all night talking to me.  My husband left his bag at home.  We had to rush to buy emergency clothing.  I am trying to explain early recovery to my husband, because I have done substance abuse counseling for years.  He is blowing up at me left and right.  All I am thinking is I have to work Saturday and Sunday.  The new babysitter starts Monday.

We had one good day.  Saturday, I finally got an antique photo of the family.  This was very important to me.  Before chemo, we had an antique photo of the family.  I wanted another to include Joy.  My daughter was upset because we never got to go to the mountain she wanted.  The ride home was a drive against the clock, because I had to work.  I went to work.  I came home and started cleaning.  I got a few hours of sleep.  Sunday, I went to work exhausted.  My husband finished painting.  The new babysitter is not responding to answer my texts or calls.  Sunday, I told my husband to make alternate arrangements.  I was up until 3AM the house was done.  7:30 rolled around.  No babysitter.  For the first time in my life, my in-laws agreed to help.  I told the woman she was fired.  I was suppose to train for the new position.  The trainer ended up late and it all worked out.  I texted my original babysitter about the situation.  She treated me as if I dropped the ball somehow.  I was scheduled for job two at night.  I called them crying telling them that I needed to leave work early.  I was so tired that I got lost in my own city.  What a way to start a new position!  By the end of the day, I had three possible babysitters.

I worked on the birthday party for the rest of the week.  This year, we had a joint party/open house.  Again, I invited everyone to bring them back into our lives.  Somehow, we got alienated between the baby death and my breast cancer.  I have been trying to draw our friends back.  All week, I heard all the excuses.  I survived breast cancer.  I know what my priorities are.  Hope wanted to go to this event and hour away.  I know it was birthday hostess suicide.  Life is about enjoying those girls that I worked so hard for.  It was going to rain anyways.  We couldn’t set up for the party.  He had his last group.  There were 8 baskets of laundry to be folded.  He stay for half of the group and came home to help.  I ran into traffic.  We drove around crazy trying to put everything together.  He comes home and says, “I am going to bed.”

Hope made slime in the basement and dropped corn starch everywhere.  The water slide was bigger than our yard.  My husband tried to set it up.  Hope left the chairs around it.  The moment it went on, it drenched all the chairs.  I am trying to dry them up.  I am yelling this isn’t set up right.  I haven’t been able to shower and I have an odor.  I am screaming for her to clean it up.  I get 2 minutes for a shower.  I am literally throwing this together within the last 15 minutes.  The guests come.  I usually like the food out before hand.  At this point, it is what it is.  Fifteen minutes into the party, I get the water slide to work.

I say to him, can you clean up?  I am emotionally tired at this point.  Only a handful came.  I am still getting excuse texts even after the party.  He puts three things in the refrig and tells me, “I am going to the gym.” I worked the next day.  A neighbor is taking the kids for the next few weeks until school starts.  She couldn’t take them that Monday, so I hired a different babysitter to fill in, so my neighbor could get a mammogram.  I go to work Sunday.  I end up cleaning up Sunday night.

I am emotionally drained.  The babysitter no showing the week caused me to cancel my individual therapy appointment to embrace who my husband is.  I think I really need to get back on track with my life.  If you survived child loss, cancer and infertility, you can understand when I say life is short.  For years, I have been making everything perfect.  I am done with the babysitters.  I am in the middle of starting a new position.  One job did not pay me for this vacation.  I could have used my emergency savings, but I didn’t because I don’t know what will happen.  Am I going to end up a single parent.  I have having problems with both jobs.  I saw an official description of my job and I am listed as an unlicensed professional.  I am wondering if they are not paying me the right wage on purpose.  The other job wants more.  I haven’t had more to give myself a shower never mind more time at a job.  Then, it looks like we are owing taxes again.  Actually, my depression has been better, because I quit whining and went out and made new friends.  Those friend have been about the only ones to make sure I am okay.  Several times, I have been almost ready to cut them off.  My husband appears in-decisive about us moving.  The truth is for me to work longer hours, my oldest needs to live in the same town she goes to school in.

I told my husband to get a loan and finish the house with professionals. I am done at this point.   I work so hard for those girls.  My action plan for myself is the following: 1. sleep, 2. shower, 3. go to the bathroom as needed, 4. go back to running & 5. get involved with the 12 step program.  As for the jobs, for $30,000 a year, is it worth it?  The job that may be underpaying me is going to told to other resolve my issue with my job title or I am not available.  The other job needed my office space on the weekdays, which forced me to work Saturdays.  This is an issue due to activities with my kids.  I may have to start looking to get rid of both jobs.  This is going to hurt, because one I have worked since my daughter was 3 months old.  I am important and I deserve better.  It’s time to start living again.  Isn’t that the point of survivorship?

PS-Hope did have a wonderful birthday in NH.  Friday is my new day off with my new schedule.  Joy had a wonderful birthday too!  She keeps singing happy birthday to herself.  We went to a fair today.  Summer is over.  I feel like I am ready for it to begin.

Talk About Your Anniversary Gifts

A friend of the family gave us a generous offer.  The birthday bash for the girls is almost a little less than a month away.  He told me that his wife and him are coming over to help so I can paint the kitchen cabinets within a weekend.  I am so happy.  It’s been a struggle over 17 months of remodeling for one person to take the kids and the other one to work on the house.

My daughter right after my unpaid maternity leave asked for a mini I-pad for Christmas one year.  Literally, we were putting gifts on credit cards because I just went back to work.  Daycare expects their tuition.  Co-workers/friends got together and gave us enough money to basically pay the first week.  My oldest got her I-pad mini for Christmas.  Thanks to credit cards.   Shortly after she got it, the screen got cracked because she dropped it.  For a long time, it worked.  She left it on the floor and I stepped on it by accident.

Last year, I brought a cheap tablet to get some work done at home.  Well, our work operating system would not work on a tablet.  The operating system requires either old widows program or an Apple device for security reasons.  Here I am with this cheap tablet that wouldn’t work and I couldn’t return.  The deal was, my oldest would share the I-pad with me and use the cheap tablet, when I needed it.  It began to ghost type.  It was freaky.  For weeks, I promised I would try to fix it.  Well, every week I tried.  It looked like according to Google that my child’s Ipad was hacked.  It got so bad, that I am saying to customer service I can’t get it to do what you want because it’s so busy opening a mess of programs that I didn’t ask it too.  I took to it to a repair shop.  It ended up the screen needed to be replaced.  I got the bill.  Here goes all the money I worked so hard on the 4th of July for.  We have so many bills upcoming.  August is both the girl’s birthdays.  This year, we decided to do one party.  My oldest is getting too old.  Joy doesn’t have any outside friends.  It made sense to show off all the hard work on the house.

Well, our relationship has been disconnected for years now.  He won’t hire a babysitter.  His mother will not help.  My mother died years ago.  The tradition was…  I would start in June to beg his mother for one annual night of babysitting.  One year after multiple prompts, she forgot anyways.  We were told we were only getting an hour that year.  So, I had it with him and her.  Finally, I stopped talking about going out for our anniversary.  Why brother?  Two years later, he panicked.  Why weren’t we going out anymore for anniversary?  This year to afford a babysitter, I need to work a shift and a half.  This year, I figured to say nothing about our anniversary.  Maybe he will forget.  I said nothing.  Damn on June 30th, he says so what are we doing on our anniversary.

Please don’t think I am cold. We haven’t been close in years.  Forget it!  It caused a string of arguments Last summer, we were totally drained financially by summer camp, infant daycare and two individual birthday parties. I think I have mentioned, we are trying to move and the youngest conception bill is still not paid for. Plus, I had to hire a babysitter to cover my oldest for the days summer camp was not in session.

Friday, the Ipad was all fixed and home. We picked it up.  $140 gone.  Another words, all the money from the extra shifts.  I wasn’t with my girls for the 4th of July.  The ipad is back and it’s how I am trying to catch up at job one.  I spent the day working around the house.  Not much got done due to a bad toddler day on Saturday, which is why our friends are helping us.   Saturday night, I decided to go to a Reiki Share.  I find it refocuses me.  It’s tough work working substance abuse.  He said he didn’t mind me going. I left at 6PM.  The second, I came through the door, something was wrong.  His cell phone is laying on the ground.  He put the package of dog treats in the freezer again.  We don’t sleep in the same room, so I freaked out.  I shook him until he stirred and I knew he was okay.

I left for work on Sunday.  I texted the oldest call me.  Well, the oldest calls me in tears.  I trying to put out a bunch of crisis’s at work.  Now what is going on.  Well, she is crying because the Ipad’s tempered glass is broken now.  $140!  I wanted to scream.  Something told me not too.  I’ll figure this out later.  Working was a good excuse not to see the in-laws.  I drove to the restaurant and met him there.  He had this pretty speech all prepared.  So, I fell for it and both of us ended up crying in the car.  Well if it is a screen protector just get her a new one.  I order it.  We ran out of time.  Today, the dentist calls we forgot the appointment, but they schedule it for later.  It rearranged my day.  We ran errands. So, I told her this is her last chance with the Ipad.  She told me the truth of how it was broken.  Poor kid took the responsibility for a day now.  I got so mad that I went into confrontation mode with who broke it, which ended with an ultimatum.  My oldest begging for me to for finding her at fault.  I took pics of it because it may have lead to me taking the person to court.

My oldest is crying.  I am so upset.  The toddler drops a shoe in the car.  I didn’t bring the stroller.  My breast cancer arm is aching a short trip to the store ended up me walking the mall because the whole screen needed to be repaired again.  When the temped glass shattered, it took the screen out  again.  The toddler is persistent about walking.  You can’t let toddler walk around bare foot at a mall.  She missed a nap.  She is a mess.  One melt down after another.  I am trying to call friends and figure this out.  Basically, with all my friends, I develop a plan.  I am getting breaks here and there.  Finally, you know what.  It is the problem of the person who caused this.   Not my problem, let him fix it.   I had to call out.  All because I wanted a few hours to myself.  Heartbroken…  Supposedly, there are more promises.   Follow through this time!   Really, I deserve a social life.  A few hours to rejuvenate a few days per month…

Promises are nice words of setting intentions.  After so many broken promises, I am hoping for reality!  Show me you will follow through.  Reality is more picture perfect than those words that never lead to following through!

Setting Boundaries:

After my first daughter died & my oldest daughter Hope was born, I chose the wrong doctors for her care.  I picked the same doctor I had growing up, because his wife was involved in Avery’s care. We got a doctor with a past with my brother that I did not understand.   I did not know that my brother had been hiding his son was diagnosis with autism.  During the diagnosis process, my brother was belligerent. I guess it got so bad that police had to be called.

When Hope was born, the doctors had an agenda not her or our family.  At this one hospital cruel statements were made about my choice to carry my first daughter to term and about my family.  Never with witnesses.  I told my husband and his family.  My gut told me don’t go back.  My husband and his family persisted I was over reacting and over sensitive.  My daughter was not well cared for.  I learned a hard lesson that day.  I learned my gut instinct is always correct.  I learned to trust my internal voice and not act on public opinion.  There was a cycle of abuse in my family.  The doctors knew it and used it to their advantage for their own agenda.  Thankfully, neither Hope or I were physically harmed in the process.  Hope was too young to remember.For months afterwards, I was in emotional pain.  The message that I got as a child was driven in that I did not matter.  I took it as a time to strengthen my connection with my internal voice and increase feelings of self worth.

I got mad, when she needed a specialist because her liver enzymes were off.  The referring doctor’s office chose another doctor near that hospital.  Last weekend, I was behind in remodeling the kitchen.  My second job inpatient was busy due to the holiday and I worked 6 days straight between the two jobs.  Monday, I rushed around, but we never got back on the remodeling schedule.  I took the family to see my Aunt, who’s birthday is coming.  We surprised her with pizza for lunch after rushing around running errands.  I ran into my brother-in-law and youngest niece, while getting the pizza.  My brother and sister will have nothing to do with my kids or me.  They got to see Joy, our youngest, the first time ever.  We had 20 minutes at the mall.  I thought that day, we were getting the answer.  My husband met me.

The receptionist looks at me and says, “this appointment was canceled.  I called and told you.  You need to go to Boston for a liver specialist.” I was so angry.  I told her that she never spoke to me at all.  I went to the bathroom and told her I will call the referring doctor and handle it on my end.  I swear stream was coming from my head.  We checked all cell phones and answering machines.  No message.

On the way out the door, Hope my oldest said, “I really wanted know what was wrong with me.”  The mother alarm system went off in my head.  So we went home finishing the cookies for a bake sale and I painted at a billion miles an hour before work.  Our 4th of July holiday stunk.  I spoke with my husband what to do.  Another medical problem.  Sorry everyone is on holiday situation.    July 5th, I called and spoke to the referring doctor’s office and waited.

On July 6th, I knew what I needed to do.  I called the patient relations person and told them I was not happy.  It may just be a mistake.  I heard enough about my birth family for one life time.  For years, I teach people to stand up for themselves.  It was time, I reached out for my daughter and my myself.  For years, I was taught to make no waves.  Let them kick you and punch you, but make no waves. I should have reported them all in, when Hope was a baby!   Hopefully, I taught Hope to stand up for herself.  I said nothing mean.  Just the facts.  I have made it my life goal to reject the messages, I was taught as a child.  I am standing up for my children and myself!  Don’t care what you think of my brother or sister.  Talk to me!  Now we have another appointment on our vacation week, which I hate.  Just for one vacation, I want no doctors or house remodeling projects.  Hopefully the painting we be done before we go for a few days in the mountains.  It is growing on me.  It has been 17 months since we decided to fix the house.  I am hoping the kitchen is done before the end of July.  We have two other rooms to paint.  We talked about going into Boston and having fun after the appoitment.  Now time to stop writing and start painting again!

MOM IS READY FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL!

I already completed middle school.  I feel just handling the childcare issue was a challenge for this family.  It is illegal in my state to let a child under 13 years old stay home alone.  My daughter had difficulty in the city school system with bullying.  Some of the surrounding towns will allow your child into their school system.  Your resident city or town will be billed for your child’s tuition to attend a different town’s school.  We couldn’t afford private school due to medical bills from my breast cancer and infertility treatment.  We put our oldest’s name in the lottery.  She was turned down during first grade.  Second grade, her name was chosen.  For years now, I have had the responsibility to transport her to and from school, which was not a big deal since it was on the way to my old job.  I have had two jobs now for 5 years.  After the youngest was born, I switched jobs.  The main job is closer to Boston.    It makes my commute an hour and half to two hours every work day.

I was fearing if my main job could accommodate next year’s school schedule.  Child care for preteens really lacks.  Summer camp and infant daycare swallowed my checks whole last year.  She refused to go back to back to the art camp.  Since my oldest is going to middle school, there is no afterschool program.  My oldest can go to the library about an hour with friends and a cell phone.  That’s not childcare!  Which librarian signed up to be a childcare worker?  I am also not thrilled to learn most of the middle schoolers and high schoolers hang out at the local corner store after school.  If you read my last blog, I stood to loose income etc…  My children are always first.  I have been the one historical to take the blows at time to my vacation time.  My husband does too.

Thursday morning, my stomach was so anxious, it was eating itself!  I was overwhelmed about leaving a job that I didn’t want to leave.  We can’t afford to move.  Without the right wages, we can’t afford a house in that town.  We owe some serious money for my youngest child’s conception.  I sat down with a manager and had a conversation about look I need to know.  My other job was willing to accommodate me and possible hire me to work with children.  Instead of threatening to quit, I started the conversation with how I respected my place of work. Then, I asked I need those hours accommodated.  I cringed like any second I would be asked to leave.  Oh my!  It worked out very much in my favor.  I was offered to slowly transferred to the nursing home program.  My heart beamed with such relief!  Thank God!  I don’t need to quit!  I began to call my oldest and my husband.  I hadn’t slept in nights!  All that stress was for nothing!  I was going to sleep tonight.

Then, a message came from the babysitter, who I thought I had made it clear my hours were changing, when she accepted the job.  “I can only watch them on Wednesday and Thursday.” The text message said.  I started to sob.  I just told my boss a date.  Now it looked like I had to back track.  I ended up on my lunch break calling a mess of people for coverage for 3 weeks on Mondays & Tuesdays.  All the stress came right back!  I finally ended up hiring the teen, who does the church care for our church.  She is going to come over my house.  I just have to give her a lift home.  This has been my week.

The family daycare was getting mad about me not giving her a deposit.  She was telling me that she may be fully enrolled in shortly.  That was a whole scramble to pay for a spot for my youngest, but she is enrolled now.  She is not returning to the daycare center with multiple lead teachers.  Her behavior has been extremely frustrating at times.  I think the kids learned some bad behaviors while the toddlers had musical teachers, who never returned.  Extremely small children require attachment to their caregivers.  She wasn’t getting it there.  I hope with regular caregivers she will calm down.

I understand we can’t afford to move.  I should be painting the kitchen now.  Every day, I take care of the kids and do something to move this house forward to our ultimate goal of moving, so Hope can walk home from school.  Hopeful, now no more bumps in the childcare road.  What makes me so mad is, she knew this volunteering for babysitting.  She knew I was so in fear of loosing my job.  It was like she waited to drop a bomb on me not knowing it.  Mom is ready for middle school!  Hopeful, we are not scrambling next year.  I hope next year the blog reads.  Yay!  We are moving!

The good news is the job is going to be an opportunity to learn new skills with a population that I have had some interaction with.  I think everyone won!  August 14th, I will start my new schedule.  Right after vacation!

Frustrated

Summer was not off to a smooth start.  Joy, my youngest has toddler diarrhea.   My oldest will be going to see more specialists about her liver enzymes off and her vertigo.  We can not afford to move to the town where my daughter goes to school.  I work two jobs.  One made promises to accommodate my needing to get and pick up my oldest from school.  I am not seeing the paperwork going through.

Joy needs to be at a new daycare.  In the 17 months she was at the same one,  she had 5 different lead teachers.  I have witness one toddler push her to the ground repeatedly.  Her last day, the written was on the wall.  My oldest didn’t want to go to an art camp.  So, I hired someone who worked for the school system to babysit both the girls at a flat rate.  This person is worth more than I can afford.  Childcare takes over half my pay to pay.  I work in human services, so I can expect to earn between $30,000 and $40,000 full time.  Remember, I have been doing this 14 years.  I love the field.  I give up dreams of being rich.  I work about 30 hours per week. After fighting cancer, infertility and infant loss, I am spending time with those two girls, who I fought so hard for.

I can go to one job and quit the other. I will loose $200 a pay period.  I am trying so hard to get our family out of the 100 most violent cities in America.  There is a price difference between the city I live and the town Hope goes to school.  If I sell this house, we need a bigger mortgage to get in that town.  Chances are after all this hard work to fix my house, we can only afford a fixer upper.  We have been painting the kitchen.  We are literally tripping over stuff to remodel.  My house needs a few remodeling expenses like a new bathroom to sell it, which we can’t afford.

I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is no public transportation between the town my daughter goes to school in and where we live.  I don’t think she is quite ready to stay home by herself.  I work too far away to take a lunch break late and go pick her up.  If she returned to our city schools, she would be badly bullied.  One job is open to split shifts.  The other job made promises the paperwork didn’t show up.  When I try to talk to them, they just say it’s too far away.  That job requires a two month notice.  I sent them an email saying I need to know now.  I find myself struggling with between finances, work and parenting responsibility.

Yesterday was my daughter’s recital. I decided to reach out to my in-laws.  I finally told them how much I earn for a living and the costs of childcare.  These guys come with a warning sign, “emotionally out of order.” For years, they have caring for free my sister-in-law’s kids, who is a high paying nurse. Her former spouse scammed thousands of dollars from them.  She is their favorite.  My father-in-law pissed me off.  He said to me, “your mother did it and you will too.” Swears flooded my brain but the kids were there.  My mother died a horrible death.  She left me in care of my siblings who were abusive.  So, once again, they are not available.

This weekend has been stressful.  After many years of fighting infertility, I am very aware of my length of cycle.  It didn’t come.  I said is this a joke?  I found myself day dreaming of an accidental pregnancy, which is impossible.  Today, we tried to start a dog walking group.  No one showed.  I have been having so many difficulties with heavy bleeding and long cycles.  Last month, I made it a point to try to sleep at least 7 hours per night.  I also took vitamins. People have been telling me that I sound perimenopausal. I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I flunked in the accidentally pregnancy accident department.  I found myself grieving again. I began to fantasize it was menopause and the nightmare of heavy bleeding was over.    Four days late, guess what came today.

My brain is tired from crunching the numbers.  I am worried about my relationship with others.  There is no afterschool program for Hope, who is going into middle school.  That’s about $50 per week we save.  Today, I paid the deposit for Joy to start a home daycare program that follows the school year.

Money is money.  People can never be replaced.  We have food to eat and a home.  Everyone is healthy that I am aware of.  The mother of Hope and Joy is going to have hope that an answer prevails soon and joy returns to the home.

Asinine With A Capital A: VSP Plan

Tuesday, the bump was removed from my ear.  It did not hurt going out as the biopsy. The bump on my ear may have been caused by my eyeglasses.  Wednesday, I wore my contacts.  My eyes dry up quick and get irritated.  Wednesday morning, my eyes are stinging on the way to work.  I take out my contacts to put a solution in.   At some point, I realize my left contact is not in.  I am on the floor on hands and knees for over an hour.  I call my eye doctor’s office.  Drive here and we will give you a new one.  I am at work 15 miles away.  I have to find an optical shop to buy one contact lens in the area of my workplace that  I could walk to.  Not one place was willing to help because I am not a patient.  I put the one lens in a dixie cup with some solution.  I was getting a major headache due  to the world one eye perfect.  This is another point in my life where I feel no one is there.  I did my job blind.  I can’t see the time.  I ran late.   It screwed up my day and my client’s day.

Of course, Wednesday was car seat installation day.   We had to buy a new one to gave the old one to the babysitter for the summer. 3/4 of my pay goes into child care for the summer for both the girls, when school is out.  It’s a placeholder for my job. So, I could only figure out to make myself an eye patch with paper and an elastic band to drive home on one contact lens.    I took the back roads home.  I drove straight home to get my eyeglasses, then the girls, drive through for dinner and straight to the police to have the car seat installed.

Today, the doctor calls. The pathology report indicates the bump on my ear was caused by pressure by either my glasses or the way I sleep.   There’s a  risk for the bump to return.   I suffered with it since mid-April.  The bump hurt.  It throbbed!  So, I called to see if I could get a new pair of eyeglasses.  I am due in October for glasses.  I was told that I couldn’t get glasses paid for through the plan.  Are they kidding?  Just buy another pair and get 20% off.  LISTEN 3/4 of my PAY IS GOING TO CHILD CARE THIS SUMMER!  I seriously doubt I afford to pay 20% off as I will be just barely taking home a quarter of my pay after childcare every 2 weeks.  There is a mortgage, a birthday party for the girls and a conception bill for my daughter’s embryo donation.

Meanwhile, it looks like I still need to figure out how to incorporate working around my oldest daughter’s school schedule at middle school.  IT IS EXTREMELY TOUGH WHEN IT IS YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND.   Where is this village that people talk about to raise a child?  Did I get gypped a village?   Two summers ago, I was mentally prepared to enter my own C-section alone, because my mother-in-law was trying to bail on watching my oldest as I gave birth.  We never ask for her to care for our children.   I wish I had this family/village to help.  Unfortunately, my mother died from some form of dementia.   We live in a city on a list called the 100 most violent cities in America. I keep trying to get my girls out of here.  IT’S THE EYEGLASSES, THE CO-PAYMENTS, GAS FOR THE CAR etc… that keeps us from buying another house and moving.  It’s like which came first the chicken or the egg. How do we get out, when bills are piling?  I could work longer if my oldest could walk home from school.  The houses in that town cost way more than my current house is worth.  I am upset and stressed.