Where Has 11 Years Gone? Fertility Journey

My living daughter’s birthday is a time of great excitement and celebration. Sadly, my own family outside of my husband and daughter is not so loving. They are outright, emotional cruel. So, yesterday, my heart broke again. Nothing makes me prouder than my living daughter. For me, her birthday is a symbol. I can’t stand my own birthday. I have no idea what miracle occurred to bring her life to the universe. You would think at 40 years old, I would know enough not to take it to heart, when my family once again says we aren’t coming. Last night, my mind was so angry. I tossed and turned.

My life was changed forever as a teenager. I told the family secrets to a few friends. They took me to Alateen. When you look at resilient people, you will find through research that people need supports to bounce back from trauma. These people are lifelines. Supportive people are the strength and courage to tell the individual what is happening is wrong. So, my heart is grateful to my Alateen sponsors, the other kids, teachers, my mother and my paternal grandparents. The love they gave me reaffirmed there was more to life.

I was looking at all the pictures of our living daughter from being a newborn to now. I was crying with tears of joy and gratitude for her life. As a teen ager, I was going to college, getting career and having a family. I was going to change the world. Then, our family buried my first daughter.

I had no reason to think I was infertile. First cycle, it didn’t happen. I brought an ovulation test and boom we were pregnant. Laughing! I didn’t know what ovulation was back then. I told the whole world! Just 29 years old, it was like boarding the Titanic. Our baby had multiple birth defects. They thought the baby would be born still. My husband and I prayed. I prayed on the way to work, meetings and with my husband. Sadly, our first daughter struggled to stay alive for 33 hours. She was in so much pain. With a sad heart, we decided to end life support. My husband and I wrapped our arms around her and she died within an hour and a half. My shoes were lost in her birthing process. I was wheeled out in February with just form slippers from the hospital to get home.

My family did not support my decision to bring her life into the world. We kept trying to get pregnant after genetic counseling. It was not happening. So, I sought an RE and I had a normal fertility assessment. On December 1st, I was late. I refused to use pregnancy test until this point, but the indicators were there. I am laughing here. I brought a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant in a public restroom. My mother-in-law and I wrapped the test as an early birthday present for my husband. This is our living daughter. It was a very anxious pregnancy. The genetic counseling at this time said our first daughter had died from a fluke of nature disorder. My family showed up to the maternity ward, when my daughter was born healthy. Thankfully, I had my husband, church and a few internet friends to get through the pregnancy?

Funny side story, I was shaking and crying during the second trimester ultra sound. The doctor came in and began to tell me the baby looked normal. At the end, I realized I didn’t ask for a picture. The doctor was looking at the ultra sound screen and he began to laugh. My living daughter was waving her hand as if to say goodbye at the end. She was an intelligent kid even in utero. I don’t know what moon dust or miracle she is from but she is an awesome kid!

My family just showed up at the maternity ward without months of communication. There was strong disagreement about her being raised to know she had an older sister. My family did their usual seize and control routine through doctors or talking with my husband. It got to the point, I removed a couple doctors from caring for our family and daughter. I looked at that little face and I ended it with my family. She wasn’t going to endure being told that she was not important.

When she was eleven months, we decided to try again. At 6 weeks of pregnancy, my daughter was napping. Her glass cross fell off the wall and shattered. I discovered that day I was bleeding. I naturally miscarried. We waited and tried again. I got through 12 weeks. Whew! One of the early ultra sounds, they thought they were two. At 16 weeks, I was carrying a healthy baby. At 18 weeks, the baby had no heart beat. There were placenta problems and the cord was too long. There were indications of a possible blood clot. The pathologist questioned if there was disappearing twin due to the test results.

So, we went to the RE where I had the fertility testing. All recurrent pregnancy loss testing was normal. I was put on blood thinners as a trial. I graduated from the beta tests with flying colors. RE handed my care to the OB GYN. So a few days before Christmas at 13 weeks of pregnancy, the baby had no heart beat. At this point, I stopped telling the family when I was pregnant. I had a D&E. When my living daughter napped, I would cry. At this point, I did not tell others that we miscarried again. I kept it quiet. I would secretly cry, when others weren’t around.

God has a strange sense of humor. So, shortly after Christmas and the D&E, I was cleaning the snow my car off. This was during the time a lot of house loans were going bad. The economy had turned. I am crying about my loss and getting ready for work. I hear this meowing. I found this little kitten. So, I figured it got out of the house and someone will be looking for it. I’ll show this precious kitten to my husband to cheer him up. We tried to find the family. A neighbor identified the cat as a stray. Okay, we will just keep it until we find a home. He was really sick due to an abscess. His birthday date was estimated around one of my due dates from a miscarriage. We kept the cat and named him Raven. Raven is now 7 years old and we are his family. My living daughter, who was 2 years old at the time told me, “my cat!”

For eighteen months, no pregnancy. Back to the RE’s, more fertility assessments and genetic consults. I had an infection. My husband’s results showed male infertility. The answer was IVF with ICIS. When they shoot the sperm into an egg in a lab. We live in a mandatory state for fertility insurance. The pharmacy coverage was from another state without mandatory fertility insurance. They refused to pay for the medication.

I was working part time on weekends and my husband worked during the week so someone was home with our daughter. We couldn’t afford the cost of the meds. So, with a heavy heart, I decided to return to work full time and enroll our living daughter in daycare. She was three years old.

So, we saved and saved. Finally, we got enough money for the ICIS IVF medications. The cycle was going well. We were all positive. It was a negative pregnancy test. My RE encouraged us to keep trying between cycles. That’s when we got pregnant with our last daughter. Sadly, she had multiple birth defects from the same rare disease. They lost her heartbeat a week before Thanksgiving. Our care went to a geneticist. We were being told that we may never know the cause. Part of the genetic test was lost. We were told the doctors didn’t understand the reason the rare disease happen again. We were going to try a different approach. I was diagnosis with breast cancer.

We were told that we may never know the cause of our children’s deaths. I was told about my options for fertility preservation, which was not covered by insurance. I read and read. My medical oncologist was willing to try to put me into medical menopause to see if it would protect my ovaries from the effects of chemo. We knew it was experimental, but we couldn’t afford the other options. Two weeks into chemo, it was discovered that our family broke medical history. Unknown to us, one of us were carrying the gene for the rare disease. There were ways to have a baby, but I did not go through a stimulation cycle to preserve fertility.

The first year out of cancer treatment, no one would put in fertility treatment. Two years later, we tried IUIs without success. My periods came back. I found the cycles shorter. I most likely would have not known before hand, except remember I was charting my fertility cycle before cancer treatment. Enough time had passed and we started IVF. The difference was noticeable. Before chemo, I had 13 mature eggs. Now, I had 5 mature eggs with one embryo transfers. The quality was poor. Last year, our RE talked to us about egg donation. As I have said before no one could have predicted our family would break medical history. I tried all types of supplements to make those eggs better, acupuncture and stress tapes. I turned 40 last year. My old RE said this is a matter of age. Chemo added insult to injury. I cried hard and started looking into embryo donation and egg donation. Embryo donation makes sense to us, because either of us can genetically parent another child.

A person asked about adoption to me again recently. We don’t want to go this route for personal reasons. We looked into it. We talked about it. It is not the route for us. Someday, when I retire, I want to become a foster parent. It wasn’t the road we want now.

Last night, I decided to tell an old friend the truth about the route we chose Please pray because one of most dearest friends in the world, I sent her an email explaining we were going embryo donation. I don’t know if she is going to accept this. She had adopted her daughter in the 90’s and it was an amazing journey. I am afraid she may never speak to me ever again. Infertility treatment is always changing with options. Someday, our story may have been different if it happened 20 years in the future.

I remain in contact with the rare disease community. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I made a vow to my daughters who died to become a social advocate for the advancement of treatment of all rare diseases. As time is going on, we know we are not the only ones carrying this disorder dominantly. I don’t wish this on anyone. There is a peace to knowing we aren’t the ONLY ONES. Infertility is an isolating disease. Rare disease can be an isolating disease. Being diagnosed with breast cancer before age 40 years old can be an isolating disease. I am excited about flying out to have the transfer in September. Excited and anxious!

Alittle Bit More On My First Daughter

I do stay in contact with the rare disease community after loosing two children from a rare disease. Once family always family. I am finding some comfort and reading some family are in the same situation as me. I have been sharing my experiences with another mother expecting her first with the same rare disease.

My husband and I would travel more, when we were expecting our first, because we knew she was going to die within the first year of birth. So we went to England… My husband and I never had a honey moon. I had just found out the baby was carrying had multiple possible fatal birth defects the day before the plane left. I told my husband we are going the baby needs to see the world. I prayed hard at West Minister Abbey for her to live.

I felt guilty after she died for not knowing the warning signs of premature labor. I woke up after my water broke in the middle of the night. We had just came home from New York City. We were out in New York City celebrating Valentine’s Day after the fact. I had this massive head cold and I didn’t feel well. On top of it, no one had mercy to allow me to use the bathroom out there. Strangest event, the head cold completely disappeared after she was born in Boston. I had a pillow customized for her. It arrived the day she was born. I was up running around after she was born. The worst C-section, I ever had was my current living daughter’s. I had skin problems with that one for a long time. I didn’t bounce back as well. Even today, I have a hard time 10 years later seeing ambulances on the highway heading for Boston. It’s not as intense, but the feeling is there. For some time afterwards, I couldn’t drive down the same streets as the ambulance took.

My first daughter was born on a cold February Saturday morning. Since I was warned that I could go into labor at any point, I packed a bag for me and baby. I also carried an ultra sound report on me at all times for the baby’s wellbeing. I went straight to the local hospital. My oldest sister had preterm labor during both her pregnancies, so I knew the first step was the local hospital.

It’s hard on me about having two C-sections. People look at my medical history and presume their are two children at home. I have smartened up now and I will write “infant died after birth.” This way, I don’t have to deal with the questions. I think I have seen only a hand full of places that have a separate space to document what happened in a pregnancy. Ten years after my first daughter’s death, I can’t stand the question, how many children do you have? I have repeatedly tried to answer this question in a political sense. I have found answering the question, “I have one daughter named __.” No one has really picked up it’s not quite answering the question.

Today Feels Strange and Rainbow Memories:

Today, would have been the day I boarded a plane to Maryland. The California trip is hard to explain to outsiders. I have already had to explained the trip to a few outsiders like my daughter new principal at her new school. If the original coordinator had been up front with me, I would have never made a promise to my daughter. I thought this was going to occur over the summer, the school year summer.

I have had some interesting conversations with family members. My 79 years old Aunt was talking about how she is going to Florida to see her son, grandson and great grandson. I told her I was heading out to California in September. My mother raised us close to her sisters. (My father’s family is scattered all over the country, so we were not that close. Last week, I went to Plymouth. My paternal grandparents had a cranberry bog and business there. I still have no idea how they ended up in the state. Both of them are buried out in PA, so visiting the old house is the closest I have to visiting a cemetery.)

My aunt says to me, “good luck and bring home a baby.” (We asked for two embryo transfers so it may be babies.) I didn’t think she knew. There is only a hand full of people who know. No one has any way of contacting her.

I said, “what?” She explained she knows what I am up to. So, I started denying it like a teen. Auntie knows me too well. I had stop talking about fertility treatment with the family about 2 cycles ago. I guess at 40 years old she knows when I up to something.

The second interesting conversation occurred with my daughter. What makes a family a family? It was a long conversation. As she is growing older, you can have this types of philosophical conversations with her.

Today, she is having her first sleep over at a friend’s house. My husband is shocked that agreed to it. Well, the friend’s mother called me. I felt like saying you answer the phone for now on. Tonight, we are going out for a bit to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary, which we didn’t do last week. The profile match coming last week was like a anniversary gift.

So many vacations have been spent at a doctor’s office. I hope in some point in our lives that vacations really become vacations.

I got referrals to high risk OBGYN’s. I am going to try to choose a high risk OBGYN now and see if I can meet the person. I have questions to ask from a medical stand point about being 40 years old and a breast cancer survivor. I have never been pregnant and a breast cancer survivor. I am bringing home baby or babies, from California, I need the reassurance there is a doctor out here. My husband works closer Boston now. I work near the Rhode Island border. I have learned a lot from my previous pregnancies. My living daughter was born near Boston. Back then I worked near the Rhode Island border. It was really hard to be anxious and drive in the traffic. So this time, I am choosing someone close to work and a easier drive from home.

Rainbow girl (our living daughter) is turning 9 years old next month. I had a C-section with her. When our first daughter was born dying from a rare disease, I choose my C-section to try to save her. Thankfully I did because unknown to all us, I had a placenta abruption in progress. I didn’t need any other treatment because the C-section stopped it.

I was very careful about preterm labor with my living daughter’s pregnancy, since I was transported by ambulance to Boston, when our first daughter was born at 31 weeks. Our first daughter was almost born in New York City. We just came home.

All this anxiety about preterm labor with the rainbow girl and I had to have a planned C-section because I was going late. Ironic? We never left the state with our living daughter’s pregnancy. Our living daughter didn’t want to leave the womb. True story: no contractions and no signs of labor coming. They shut off the stress test 5 mins before the C-section. The nurse tells me that I had my first contraction then I was wheeled in to the OR. So, I was able to schedule my C-section on my paternal grandfather’s birthday. My daughter has my grandfather’s birthday. The child never wants to wake up in the morning by the way… We love her anyways!

The Sacredness of Pregnancy: Rainbow Connection

I have been pregnant 6 times. I have one living beautiful daughter, who is turning 9 years old next month. I have experienced the death of a newborn daughter a day after birth to a miscarriage at 6 weeks of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my living daughter, it was after our first daughter died a day after birth. How did I survive to the planned C-section? Lots and lots of loud happy music… That’s why my rainbow baby knows how to dance. So, there are a few friends who know the real reason for the trip to California. One asked me about what I was planning to do for maternity leave.

Here I am trying to plan for the trip for the transfer. How do I explain this? We live in a society with a elementary school song that tells us, “first comes loves than comes marriage. Then the baby carriage.” I am a veteran of many negative pregnancy tests. There’s a part of us changed forever, when we experience recurrent miscarriage and infertility.

“Well, you got to have a positive attitude.” They say. I am positive. If I didn’t think this was going to work, would I go? I had two IUI’s negative and 5 IVF’s negative. I cried every time, when I know it didn’t work. For me, I need to do this one step at a time. If I cry or get scared who would blame me? When I was expecting my living daughter, people thought I was cold and I had a serious attachment problem with our baby. We were all so innocent, when we started this journey. All of us know it doesn’t always happen the way we want. Please don’t blame the person. I am just trying to figure out the logistics of getting out there. Maternity leave, I will kiss the ground if I get there.

Remembering our living daughter’s pregnancy, I thought I miscarried every day. As the pregnancy grew, I was faithful to counting the baby’s movements. Three times, the movements were slow. I had to survive the rest of the drive. I carried sugar packets on me. I would walk into work with that smile like nothing was wrong. Inside, I was a ball of anxiety. What’s wrong? Sugar and water brought the movement counts to normal. Breathe!

On the day, she was born. No one was more happier than me. One day, I remember having an anxiety attack because my baby was in the nursery and my husband had spoken to the nurse too long. I mostly kept my living daughter with me during the maternity ward stay. I didn’t have this option, when my daughter died in the NICU. During my first C-section there was no baby crying. The nurses advised me that they were trying to get a heart beat.

I hope it happens the first time during the embryo transfer. If it doesn’t, I will need to make the remaining trips myself. I have ideas. I have career goals and there is a test that I need to take. What a perfect time to study? I will be stuck on a plane for hours. Stop telling me not to stress. Infertility treatment is stressful. I am going to load a lot of happy music on my phone. I will also honor these feelings of sadness and anxiety, when they happen. All us have been through a lot. I wanted everyone of the 5 missing. (possibly 6, there was a question of one pregnancy that I was carrying twins.) I had dreams and visions for them.

None us want others to experience infertility or know what it is like to hear, “I am sorry the baby died.” There needs to be a continued education of the public to break the silence of infertility, miscarriage and baby loss. Some of us, it’s not a matter of instant baby. Some of us have had to climb mountains and obstacle courses to get to our destination. We know what we need to do… Entrust that… One of my favorite movies is What About Bob? I need baby steps right now! Baby steps out to California to bring the embryos home!

Fertility Journey: West Coast

After many nights of thinking it over and reviewing everything, we accepted the profile match from California today. Neither husband or I slept for nights. Last night, I crashed and slept well. It ends up that program is the only one we could afford. So, I called them today and reviewed it. The transfer can not happen any earlier than the second week of September. I haven’t told my boss yet at my job with the kids. She is on vacation anyways. I canceled my vacation request from the last week of August. I did call my daughter’s new school. I told them we had family business out there and we couldn’t get a date sooner. I tried to avoid this so much in September, but I did the best I could. My daughter will bring her school work with her. I have to tell my boss next week. My husband has to tell his job.

There is no celebration yet… I am anxious about telling both jobs first. I have the ultra sound dates, meds were ordered and I have a transfer date, which is close to September 11th. I don’t need to drive to the NH border tonight. It was something the local pharmacy could handle. Hopefully, a new life will start this year for all of us. So much of my anxiety has been the wait. That pressure is gone. My job thinks I have something personal due to my father’s death. I warned them before hand that the date was in the air. My husband negotiated a week off when he got the job. Since the program requires two dates within a week that I need to be there and it is about 10 hours of flying, we are just staying there.

When it comes to jet lag, I am thinking we will just keep to the family schedule as much as possible…

Fertility Journey: Interesting Twist of Events

My husband’s first day of work went well. So, I was in the middle of texting my husband when it came. Pigs are flying today. The cell phone alerted me I had email. I almost died when I saw what it was. I was sent a profile match from California for a frozen embryo donation cycle. For months now, I have been upset with them. So, last week, I just put in my vacation request.

(They need to build a statue of honor to my husband for putting up with me. Yes, I said that one out loud.)

Needless to say, we have a lot to think over. Do we call the last trip to California a lost cause? Do we skip it and go to the southern program? There is nothing wrong with the profile match. Still, we need to think this over… My cycle is due on my wedding anniversary on Thursday. Someone deserves an answer… A lot of work went into both applications as you know. I know the people in the southern program has worked extremely hard. Time for a pros and cons list. If I do this cycle in California, it will be in September. I need to scrap the last week of August plans. Long term, it is who I end up working with for a long time. California, I am out there for a week. Not sure what my boss will say, because I am going to need to miss work, when we work with the schools. Our daughter will miss a week of school because I am not going to California for a week without my family. A lot of careful thinking will be happening.

Slowly Recovering From The Disappointment:

Today is my husband’s last day at his old job. He starts his new job Monday. I stopped looking at my email for profile matches. Today, I am home. In March, I had some labs done at physical. One was normal, but needs to be repeated. So, I am going to this today. Yesterday, I finally submitted my request for the last week of August. We are making other plans. At this point, none of want to return to California for IVF. I suspect even through they claim to be in the “middle of a profile match” we will never hear from them again. Calling them does no good. Both my husband and I have tried it’s like being spoken down to.

The final straw was my husband negotiate a week off from his new job to make this SUPPOSE IT trip to California. The last coordinator kept telling me, “mid-July, we may start you on meds, then August you can come out here.” Well, since we were given three other dates, I didn’t believe her. I have an appointment down South. I am so not waiting for them. July 2nd, I called. They are telling us one to three months. They refuse to tell us what is one to three months. Is it the date of acceptance or what. I feel our first coordinator went on maternity leave and our application was forgotten. As soon as my application is completed for the southern program, I am filing a complaint against the place in California. There have been many tears. It seem like our resolution. We planned a family vacation around their lip service. Her response to my husband negotiating a week off in July was “thanks for the update.” Are you serious? My husband is a hardworker. He wanted to be with me. We will never get the money back for my trip out there. The best I can do is bump the matter up, so this will never happen to another infertile couple. Heart ache is something you can find locally. No 10 hour flight needed. Not to sound negative.

I am trying to accept since it is so late in summer that it will be me doing this alone. The one thing I didn’t want. He starts a new job and my daughter will be at school. The California program didn’t seem able to work with the average person or family.

I am moving on. I am completing registration my daughter for camp. It’s going to be tough to make the financial commitment but we deserve better. We went through multiple losses and my breast cancer treatment. It’s a hard process to accept you need help from a donor…. Over the 10 years of combine fertility treatment, I gradually grieved this at various time. It is the worst experience when you reach out to someone and entrust them then they screw up. I am satisfied that we have repeatedly tried to open the communication between us and the program in California. I am getting my hair done and preparing to restart the process in the South. Everything is cycle dependent. No meds. My husband doesn’t want me to drive there. So hopefully, no short or long cycles so I can buy some plane tickets quick!

Why I Get So Protective: Some About The Fertility Journey

I honesty don’t fear traveling alone. I do worry about test results and my husband/child. Loosing a child makes you realize how dangerous the world is.

After last night’s movie, I reflected there have been a number of times, my mother was missing due to illness or injury. We had a ritual for Friday nights, we would go out to eat then go food shopping. One Friday night, I had a Halloween party at 13 years old. My mother was hit by a car and I didn’t know. My mother was Ms. Promises Woman. She said it and it was done. So, I came home and began to watch the clock. It was 9PM quickly. Where’s my mother? So, I began to walk the city streets looking for her. I crossed multiple times the intersection where she was hit. My mother later told me all the hospital workers were arguing about who should tell the 13 year old. At 11:30PM, I was panic stricken. The hospital finally called.

I was also the one, who at age 36 years old found her dead of natural causes. I was in the middle of chemo treatment just switched to Taxol. My feet and hands were burning all day. More than a few things went wrong that day. We had adopted her cat so she could move into a senior center. Late that night, the cat began to die. I rushed him to the emergency vets by my mother’s. I couldn’t reach her by phone. So, I decided to stop by the house to tell her we were putting him to sleep and I found her dead. She had died from natural causes earlier in the day. Her cat lived another day and he began to die as we visited him to put him to sleep.

So when I going out of state and a medical test is included my anxiety goes up. Not because I worry about traveling alone. I am more worried about bad things happening to the people I love while I am gone.

That is another reason, I am getting so mad at the California program. My daughter will start school soon. Last year, she was not absent once. My husband negotiated a week in August at his new job. I told my own job that my father has died and I have a family matter to take care of. It’s boring to travel alone. Yes, I can do it. My job is talking for hours upon hours. We had hoped to turn into a family vacation. It’s going to string for awhile. A lot of work goes into these applications for embryo donation or egg donation. Last April, I thought we were all set since we were accepted into the embryo donation program after the cost of traveling there. I am very disappointed, but I am not broken.

Many of us with infertility live with a negative cycle, miscarriage or just accepting it isn’t going to happen like the elementary school song. “First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes _____ in the baby carriage.” Saying this to be funny, imagine they had to write in all the fertility treatment we have been through as lines of that song. This whole egg donation program vs. embryo donation is going to figure itself out. This has been 7 years of my life. I am 40 years old and I want to move on. I have been doing this since I was 29 years old. Last year, I would not blow out a birthday candle. I have been wishing for a baby so long that I refuse to make another wish.

Return To Zero

I saw the movie tonight with my husband. My husband had to leave the room a few times. I spent a lot of time chasing our daughter out of the room. Different parts were hard. I have had multiple pregnancy losses. The few I held, the babies were wheeled out. I think the most touching scene was the mother telling her daughter about her miscarriage. After being pregnant six times, 5 were losses. I have lost an infant a day after birth through a miscarriage at 6 weeks of pregnancy. Each one was my baby. Each one has a name. A miscarriage isn’t just a miscarriage

Finally as a baby was born in the movie, I hugged my Rainbow and told her how special she is. I told her from the second she was born that she cried. I screamed to see her so much that the doctor had to figure a way around the C-section screen. I saw her still attached to the cord! I spent the next year sleeping on a camping mat next to the crib to make sure she was okay.

Four years since our last baby was born still. Her room remains up. All the clouds are still on the wall. It’s our playroom/computer room still waiting for another baby. I need to make a bunch of calls tomorrow to follow up on my appointment in late July to start the process of the process of bringing possible a baby home. (If there were too many process words, you should see what I need to do. It’s a process of a process. Why I get so angry that the California program appears to have fallen through!) A rainbow is suppose to mean it will never happen again. Our family went on to more losses. Many people have losses. Some of us need fertility treatment…

Healing Wounds: Fertility Journey

So, it is hard for my husband and I not to be angry at clinic in California. First coordinator said the profiles would arrive in June. She goes on maternity leave after I explained to her we need a transfer in July or August. Second coordinator said the first put us in for the summer. My husband calls her and she says a few weeks. A few weeks goes by, she says to me could start you on meds mid July. July 1st she sends us an email about being one to three months. My husband negotiated a week off at his new job for August because of what we were told. It’s like being broken again. I tell my living daughter that she can’t go to Disney World with her camp, because we can’t afford both. I wake up so angry and hurt. For months, I went to all those appointments and I thought I was accepted. The IVF clinic in California has no compassion. Their response to my husband negotiating a vacation with his new work place was “thanks for the update.”

I do try to stay away from my biological extended family. You can just feel the negative responses 5 minutes into any conversation. I called my Aunt and left it very matter of fact with her about we are not going to California. She didn’t know why we were going in the first place. I won’t be telling them about the trip to Maryland. A friend asked me if it is a job offer going bad. I have a plan. I have a list of places to call tomorrow. I am not working either job and I hope to catch up on paperwork. I plan to attend an egg donor support group at our local chapter of RESOLVE. I need to go and cry my heart out…