Category Archives: #meditation

Briers For My 7th Breast Cancer Anniversary

Our family has been facing some medical issues recently.  I took a break from remodeling.  Sadly, my schedule on days off have been very booked.  The family ferret has insulinoma (caner of the pancreas).  She has required multiple trips to the vet to check her sugar levels.  My oldest daughter has been having dizzy spells.  I feel like a cab.

Since the family vacation in April, I found a lump on the top of my ear near the skin connecting to my head.  It has seriously hurt, when I wear glasses.  I thought this is a cyst.  For weeks now, I have been trying a number of home remedies to get rid of it.

I had surgery to remove a number of polyps from my uterus in February.  I was having heavy bleeding and 21 day cycles.  Last week, the heavy bleeding returned.  I got up and left stains everywhere.  So, I called the OB GYN.  They made an appointment for this week.

On the same afternoon, my phone rings again. My daughter’s doctor office called with a neurology appointment for Tuesday, which is the same day as my OB GYN appointment.  This neurology appointment is in the morning.  The OB GYN appointment is in the afternoon.  Both are hour drives in the opposite direction.  I thought no problem.

Monday was my physical.  I had been suffering with the bump on my ear for awhile.  I had to take the youngest with me, since my husband took Tuesday morning to go to my oldest daughter’s appointment.  I showed him my ear.  He felt a Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist should look at it.  He was concerned about skin cancer and if it should be biopsy.  Cancer again?

My toddler fell asleep on the drive home.  I sat in the driveway in disbelief.  My phone rings again.  The specialist can see me mid morning on Tuesday.  I felt so emotional drained.  Yes, I do have my girls and my husband.  There is just no family involved in our lives.  There isn’t an aunt or a grandmother to call for help with the kids.  It’s in these situations, I feel very isolated and alone.  (My last C-section erupted with an argument with my in-laws about who was going to take care of my oldest.  I actually mentally prepared to go into a C-section by myself with no support.) I couldn’t ask them for help.  I spoke to a few friends about the lump on my ear.  It made me feel slightly better.

Worst of all, I have been working Monday and Tuesday nights at my other job.   The neurology appointment for my daughter made me anxious.  I buried two babies due to a rare disease.  There was another part of me that knew this was routine.  My recent surgery on the polyps reminded me how alone I am.  I am running all over the place.  I got my glasses tighten.  Hope, my oldest, was anxious about the state exams and the neurologist appointment.  I promise to take her to one of her activity stores.  I spoke to my medical oncologist, who said I couldn’t have a hormonal IUD for cycle control due to my previous history of breast cancer.  Some of the IUD’s can thin and make a cycle quicker.  We also talked about my ear.

Tuesday morning at the neurologist appointment, it was a bit of a rough start.  I am staring at this genetic history form and I am tired, drained and overwhelmed.  I am telling her it’s not a good day to ask me if I am in good physical health.  Another cancer diagnosis my happen again.  Finally, I said, “I am struggling with this form.  Our family is the first documented genetic carriers of a rare disease.”  The person, we met with softened.  All sudden, I felt she got it.  Basically, Hope was diagnosis with Vertigo.  They want us to see a Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist to rule out allergies.  One appointment down. My husband asked to work from home to cover all these doctor appointments.  My toddler is very active.  He takes Hope to school.

I call my aunt, who is 80 something.  She sounds horrible and wheezy due to a cold.  I go to check on her.  I meet the Ears, Nose and Throat Specialist and explain all the appointments I am going through.  She was very understanding.  She told me that the lump looks like a cyst, but it should be biopsy.  She explained if it is cancer or not cancer, it needs to be removed only.  More good news.

I decide to drive home and drop by to see the toddler after eating lunch at my favorite bakery from my childhood memories.  I am wiped out.  I figure I better update the school nurse.  She says to me, “your daughter landed wrong on stage. She is here now.” Now, I know I have to take this kid to the walk in clinic after school.  My ear starts throbbing bad from the biopsy.

The OB GYN appointment was okay.  There is little they can do to control this bleeding.  I leave and I go to check out.  There is a couple sitting down talking with check out.  I go up to the other window a few times.  No one comes.  So, I give them their space.  All of sudden, a medical receptionist screams at me, “is someone hiding in the hall.”

So, I corrected her.  I told her, ” I am not hiding.  I have been at the window twice and no one is paying attention.” It’s been a miserable day.  I hate doctors.  I am at the end of my rope.  My ear is really throbbing.  No painkiller is touching it. When the receptionist is checking me out, I am telling her to retell me the information.   I called my boss and asked to go in to complete my work and leave early.  She agrees.  I can’t miss work since I have no vacation or sick time.

I can’t go to another doctor.  I just can’t.  So, I called my husband and told him to take the oldest to the doctor’s.  I got good news mostly.  I felt so emotionally drained today.  My oldest has a groin injury and she can not walk.  I spent half the night finding other things for our family to do this Memorial Day Weekend that require no walking.

I have come a long way since starting this blog.  I stopped complaining and I am doing things to improve my life.  I am making friends.  I am aware I can’t discuss my baby loss issues with them either.  I tried to get out once a month with my friends to take care of myself.

It was the Friday before Memorial Day that I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  It brought new meaning to LONG WEEKEND.  Today, I finally told my oldest what is going on with the ear.  It was so hard this morning because she was in so much pain and I work during the days Wednesdays through Fridays.  Even if I could stay home, she would have missed the state exams.  She had to go to school.  My ear just throbbed today due to the biopsy.  I am hoping for better days.  I am also taking this as a warning sign to take better care of myself such as count my steps, quit smoking and sleep right.


Feeling Stuck

Where does this family go after Joy’s successful birth?  My husband is a good co-parent.  The years of genetic tests, breast cancer, the loss of multiple pregnancies and his refusal to take care of his health problems has taken a toll on our marriage.  It is like there has been a silent divorce not only with him but his family as well.  I was always the prepared one with a plan.  Then our beloved daughter died named Addison died, breast cancer came, two beloved pets died and my mother all within 11 months of each other.  When the cancer drugs and I healed after all the treatment, I realized my mother, daughter and a few things died.  For years, I shut the windows and doors.  On my day off during the week, I would lie in bed the entire school day.  It was like living in paradise and awaking to a war torn country.  Another attempt at putting us back together failed.  I grow tired of this.  I loved you enough to take your name.  Your family sung me a million promises upon our union.  I have stood by you as we became the first documented case in medical history.

At this point, I am back to square one.  My own mother refused to take care of herself and her dementia.  Her clear moments prolonged her diagnosis.  Plus, she never was a real danger to herself until she fell.  It’s hard to see this person has grown this attitude that listening to me is an option.  I am brunt out from my mother almost 7 years later.  I may never have that relationship with him again.  The one that swept me off my feet and inspired me.  I sleep on a camper’s bed.  He has several food intolerances and allergies.  He will not comply with testing.  I should have made him sleep on the couch.  12 years later, I awake to my back hurting every day.  I have been suffering from insomnia.  I look at younger couples that wine and dinning each other.  It’s been 8 or 9 months since I got a hug.  I have no where to go.  Leaving is not an  option.  We co-parent.  I keep hitting this wall of utterly agitation.  I do have the love of my kids.  The dog loves me.  When I hit that wall.  The emptiness awakens… I feel myself grieving all that I promised myself as a girl.

I have been thinking of putting the move on hold.  There are all these huge bills left from un-paid maternity leave, several problems with our house and the embryo donation program.  I need something more than my addictive addicted siblings can give me.

The daycare center for Joy and I have settled our differences. Joy is waiting for a placement at a home daycare, which will save us serious money.  The crisis with the family dog has settled.  I was suppose to stop using Nicotine Gum, but I think I am going to lower the dose and wait for the stress to settle more.   Am I going to be happy in that town next door where Hope goes to school?  I don’t want to say there is no improvement between us as a couple.  However, it’s been quite a few weekends that I felt I bite my tongue.  My payroll was screwed up on job 2.  I only work a day a week to cover activities with the kids and spending money.  Some it I have been saving it because I learned my lesson the hard way with an old commission style job.  The screw up in paychecks screw up my chance to do some trainings in my career path, because in some human services jobs you are required to pay for your own trainings.  It feels like I am stuck in a power struggle between two programs at the hospital. Yesterday, I see myself needing to fight this outside the place.  I was extremely stressed.  I called because I need to know someone cares.  I got a “too busy.” I find myself craving adult friendship and a good hug.  I keep getting nothing.  Our souls do not speak.

This month started with a fight over money.  Things were tight.  Now they are tighter.  We are getting quotes and looking at our options. I am going back and fourth on career choices.  I know what I want.  I have half a map.   Dusting off the old plan to find friendships for myself.  I have found myself back to the original thought.  Save yourself Dame!  I did attempt to have him involved.  It went nowhere.  Done waiting for a super hero!  I can do this myself.

Accepting Myself As Different: Upcoming Birthday

Over the weekend, I disclosed a major family secret to one of Joy’s godmothers about how my brother-in-law when my sister was pregnant became verbally abusive.  My sister got married and she accidentally became pregnant too soon.  My brother-in-law had all those major degrees in English with dreams of writing and directing movies.  He works as a security guard.  I had an awesome job as a secretary for a government organization when I was in college.  When I was 19 years old and diagnosis with thyroid cancer, I decided I didn’t want to become a nurse.  I decided on counseling as a career path.  When I went to grad school, I turned down a job offer for a full time secretary position.  I felt this was my calling in life.

I had an awesome mother who married a man with major mental health issues.  This man is my biological father.  As a teen, I read through some of his hospitalization paperwork.  He was diagnosis with Paranoid Personality Disorder.  He was extremely verbally abusive.  You got sick. You were against him.  He verbalized to us his children that we were never wanted.  I had both kidneys fail as an toddler.  I spent 2 or 3 months hospitalized in Boston.  I needed specialized schools to developmentally catch up. Later, it was discovered when I was a teenager that I had a learning disability.  I struggle with the written language.  I love writing.   I was placed a grade behind in school due to my illness.  I was older than the kids in my grade.  I hang out with the older kids.  I idolized my brother and sister who was 6 to 7 years older.  My mother was involved in a car accident when I was 13 years old.  She never walked right ever again.  It lead to a serious of other falls and she died with some horrible form of dementia when I was in cancer treatment.  I have felt different all my life.

My mother had a dream.  When I was 18 years old, my father wanted me out of the house.  My mother told him to leave.  I still had a year of high school.  I was an honor roll student.  My grades dropped so bad.  I graduated with a D in high school.  I was always concerned about my mother because we needed a restraining order against my father.  It was Alateen that saved me.  My grandparents were the alcoholics but I found a group of loving and accepting people.  I graduated and started working in my field.  Then our first daughter died of a rare disease.  I lost my job.  My brother and sister verbalized some horrible statements about her death.  Every month was a negative pregnancy test and a empty womb.  Then I give birth to my daughter Hope.  My brother and sister showed up at the end, when there was proof she was healthy.  Immediately, we had problems.  Worst of all, my brother had physically threaten someone, which I didn’t know.  I left my daughter Hope in this person’s care.  My gut was sending warning signals.  Others were telling me that I was over reacting.  I listened to others.  It was a major blow up.  I made the decision to end the relationship with my brother and sister for Hope’s sake.  They didn’t come to help, when I had breast cancer.  My mother died.  I never hear from them again.

A few years ago before my last cycle with my own eggs.  My aunt called to tell me my father died.  I have been searching for information on this off and on.  It’s hard when you are told you can’t have children with your eggs.  It’s own grieving process.  I stopped talking to others at church, in the neighborhood and at work.  I cried when others were not looking.  I was polite, but I barely spoke to others.  More relationships began to fall apart.  I use to lay in bed all day and cry.  I looked at my career and my life and I saw everything I didn’t get.  Some of the old thoughts started surfacing. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday anymore.  When I turned 40, my last cycle with my eggs failed.  We had one affordable option across the country known as embryo donation.  It took months of financial saving for this.  Joy was not the typical embryo donation.  The program uses both egg and sperm donation.

40 was tough, I have no family outside of this house.  My sister sends all our birthday cards late on purpose.  She has never seen Joy, but she sent gifts at Christmas.  Both my girls were born in August.  I was trying to contact my friend about the embryo donation program.  He committed suicide two weeks before my 40th  birthday.  One of the ways, I survived growing up was to stay very close to the family pets.  So, two of my cats died about two weeks apart around my birthday.  I feel the emptiness of my siblings not here.  On the maternity ward, everyone had visitors.  I had Ken and my daughter.  Easter is this weekend, I hear people saying I have 20 family members coming.  The four of us are going to a restaurant for branch.  It’s my birthday weekend and a lot of people will not remember.  My brother and sister, whom I idolized as a child will not be found.  My heart is broken.

Over the past few years, I am trying to move from crying about what I don’t have.  I am focusing on my children.  I go to mediation class.  I don’t tell people my life story.  I tell bits and pieces to see if I am accepted.  Monday is my birthday.  I miss my friend who died.  I miss my mother, brother and sister.  There is this whole.  I had beliefs my life would be so different when I grew up.  I am connecting with other through meditation and spirituality classes.  I said to Hope about a Saturday daddies book baby group.  She is young.  She told me to join a new mother’s group.   I am worried I would not be accepted.

At my age, I done forcing others to accept me.  I am the mother of two angels, who died from a horrible rare disease called campomelic dysplasia. I am a infertility survivor.  I survived recurrent pregnancy loss, male infertility and female infertility.   I am a young breast cancer survivor.  I am turning 42 years old.  I don’t have a big family.  Everything I had is earned.   I get intense sadness especially during my birthday.  I am getting to that point.  I am different.  I am special because in the words of others with rare disease, I am a rare mother.  I deserve to be treasured.  I have been crying for weeks about my birthday.  I hope I can get to that place of acceptance, gratitude for what I have and see myself as a beautiful person.  Amen from the Agnostic!





Rare Disease Day: Meeting With Genticist Gave Hope Some Hope!

My second daughter died from the same rare disease unexpectantly.  After our first daughter died from Campomelic Dysplasia, we did everything we were told to do.   It was not expected to happen again.  We found out Addison had the same rare disease the day before Halloween in 2009.  She died a week before Thanksgiving.  We had our blood drawn.  A tube of blood was lost somehow.  Months and months went by.  The unthinkable happened.  In May, I diagnosis with breast cancer.  They said we would never know who carried it.  We went to the RE and none of the fertility saving procedures were covered by insurance.  Our health insurance barely covered any of my breast cancer procedures.  It was a bad economy back almost 6 years ago.  My husband had to switch jobs quick to cover cancer bills.  His bank was owned by a foreign bank who barely gave him time for his daughter’s death.  They were giving him a hard time about time off for  my breast cancer surgeries.

That year, we survived one day at a time.  I had just lost my job, when I decided to go back to the hospital job.  I was there one month, when I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  The hospital helped me even through I had only been back a month.  There was not time to think these things out.  The family 11 months after the death of our daughter suffered another loss.  My mother died.  There was cancer treatment, work, kindergarten and our living daughter’s activities.  We also lost two precious pets that year.  When it was discovered our children were dying due to a dominant carrier, I was afraid for our living daughter’s future.  I did not save eggs based on cost and genetic information.

I am not a trained geneticist by any means.  I don’t want to get into long explanations that I am not qualified to give.  I am to focus on our emotional responses mostly.

There were several events that lead to our decision to go for genetic counseling.  My husband’s mother insisted she had NF2, which occurred a month prior to my breast cancer diagnosis.  I noticed my husband lost his hearing.  For years,  I asked him to have it check.  Finally he did last year.  He tells me about this NF2 disease.  I am reading and reading about this.  I am seeing major health concerns for Hope.   I was more frightened for our living daughter.  Our new daughter was conceived by embryo donation so she had no known risks.  I feared no one would marry Hope, our living daughter because of her being a possible carrier.  I worried  it was unclear if she would be a carrier.  We struggled as a couple about getting this appointment.

I don’t have a good relationship with mother-in-law.  My husband’s mother has now ignored me for years.  In our year of multiple losses, I begged her for help.  It wasn’t for me.  It was for my husband and my daughter.  She refused to take them for Thanksgiving, when Addison died because it would, “ruin her plans.” She refused to stay with us for my first chemo treatment.  I got tried of the “nos.” She knew my mother had some form of dementia and couldn’t help.  God bless my mother’s soul.  My mother would try to keep handing me money for me to buy myself something nice.  I couldn’t stop crying.  The first chemo treatment, I did awesome for the first week.  The oncologist was right.  I was struck by sickness and I laid on the bathroom floor of my house without any help within two weeks of the first treatment.  I literally did not know what to do.  I didn’t want to wake my daughter who was in kindergarten.  Somehow, I was able to get up and clean up after just sitting on the bathroom floor being ill.  In the mist, Hope had lost a tooth.  She woke up after it was clean up looking for the tooth fairy.  Mysteriously, a strange breeze came and even in my sick state, we saw the tooth fairy come.

I get stuck in the anger of that year.  Why weren’t you there!  I spoke weekly to my in-laws.  It feels like they choose their daughter over me.  Her wife and the daughter had three beautiful children. Two were born as we had the same due date, but I lost the pregnancy.  This has impacted my marriage in more ways than one.  We are not close.  I choose to peruse having a baby for me and Hope.  Since our daughter Joy was born, we are trying to put the pieces back together.

The fears of all those years were discuss in one geneticist appointment.  I did an outstanding job not crying.  It ends up the dominant carrier can not pass this to our daughter.  My mother-in-law still says she has NF2.  My husband only describe one benign tumor, which is not constant with NF2.  She would have more.  I wept a good long time last week even with this good news for all those years of worry.  The geneticist asked me to ask my oncologist about if I needed further genetic testing for breast cancer.  I have been in genetic testing for years now.  Honestly, I know our other daughter had to see a specialist and we have had a lot of illness in the house lately.  A good day is doctor free.   It’s the anniversary of the death of Avery.  I don’t want to do it.  Genetic testing has it’s own brand of grief.   It’s such a social taboo.  I worry about the mental health of people facing this crisis.

I officially decided to not take the new job.  I am working with my two jobs to arrange a work schedule to do what I love for a living and to be with my girls.  I haven’t told them yet.  My in-laws are so involved in my husband’s sister’s divorce.  It’s been months since they have said anything.  I stay focused on the girls and meditation classes.  I want functional peace.  I may never be able to be close to them again, but I want functional peace.  We have our good days and bad days.  I am hopeful….







Enjoyed Hope’s Birthday Party!

I had the best time at the party.  Many of Hope’s (my daughter’s) friends have mothers, who I enjoy speaking with.  Especially, two mothers who have only one child by choice.   Friendships are very different with only children.  My daughter has struggled with the deaths of her sisters due to rare disease.  For many years hearing others were to become the “Big Sibling,” made her cry.   Hope was my drive to continue in fertility treatment.

My husband’s parents canceled last week.  By the time of the party, I moved past it.  I am just now starting to learn about rare disease number 2.  This NF2 disorder.  I don’t know what is going on with this non-cancerous tumor in her head.  Monday, she again accidentally called the house.  She does not acknowledge Hope’s birthday the day before.

Anyways many of my friends are aware our family lives in separate worlds.  He goes to his family, I am not a part of it.  We are slowly preparing for the C-section.  Only one person may stay with you during the maternity ward stay.  My husband’s parents only agreed to watch Hope for the C-Section surgery only.   I don’t know if they will cancel.  If they do, I am my greatest support person.  He is going to have to go and watch Hope.   So, I asked my husband to get a hotel in the area of the hospital for him and my daughter to stay at.  My friends were upset that I would be alone.  At one point, I would fight hard.  At this point, I am about acceptance.  His family will come to the maternity ward and I will not be treated like family.  Many times, I grieve this lost.  Over the course of this pregnancy, I learned I have many good friends that are my family.  I survived my breast cancer through friendships.  I struggle and grieved the lost of my family.  My husband was upset because he thought his sister was not showing up because she was late.  She came, I am polite.  Our families live in  separate worlds with one connection my daughter.  I don’t know if they will accept the baby, since the baby was conceived by embryo donation.  It will hurt no family of my own will come to the maternity ward.  My plan is to go to the family room if it gets to be too much.  I can’t make his family feel a love for me that they do not have.  Tonight, my daughter begged to call her grandparents because it is her birthday.  I told her she needed to do that with her father, because they would not answer my cell phone number.  He called and the phone was passed back and forth between them.  I am exhausted from them.  My hope is someday, I will grow old enough to have my children marry and to have children of their own.  I will show their spouses love and their children that I didn’t have.  After the baby is born, I will continue to seek spiritual connection with others through meditation.

The home front is quiet.  As long as the topic is child care or house work, we have peace.  The second, I seek a spiritually connection, it’s a war.  He will not draw boundaries with them.  It’s more a friendship than marriage.  Tomorrow, I am canceling my mammogram.  I looked at the hospital website.  The baby will not be old enough for the child care at the hospital.  He has to come and watch the baby.  The effects of his mother having this NF2 genetically for our daughter has been over our heads the entire pregnancy.  The baby is fine thanks to embryo donation.  My daughter Hope, I have no idea what this disease means for her future.  It scares me that any point her body could make these non-cancerous tumors anywhere in her central nervous system as early as age 22.  I texted my husband (texting is a gift since we learned he lost his hearing) how about we try to speak to the geneticist after the mammogram.  So, I am going to try to get an appointment for both in one day.  I will Hope my daughter Hope is okay.

The Fifth Anniversary of Cancer Surivivorship: Did Not Go Well: Rechanneling The Engery

My meditation teacher gave me good advice since I was getting so upset that about my breast cancer anniversary not being recognized.  My birth family is great at making me feel small.  So instead of being mad, I made my own plans to celebrate in a nice family restaurant.  Last Wednesday, I started to get a cold.  Thursday, I received a phone call from the OB GYN telling me I had gestational diabetes.  I am trying to learn to use the electronic glucose machine.  I got a number on the first try.  I had no guidelines at all.  By Friday, the cold intensified even more.  I was diagnosis with adult asthma after breast cancer treatment.  I hadn’t needed the rescue inhaler for close to a year and a half.  I was trying to make it, but finally the asthma attack was too great.

I felt like I was drowning all last Friday.   I left the test stripes home to run the glucose machine.  The OB GYN office finally called.  I finally understood how often to test and what to look for.  Honestly, I would have called out sick, but I have no benefits with either job.  It felt like I was holding my breath to speak.  Finally, I get to go out to eat with my family.  I am already not feeling well.  Neither my husband or child was particular empathic that night.  We began to argue.  All I wanted was to have diner with my family.  It was feeling  just like the way it  I was treated when I went through cancer treatment.  I ended up crying in the bathroom.  We went home and I couldn’t get the glucose meter work for 13 test stripes.  It was one error message after another.  Finally, I got the thing to work.  Saturday, I was home because the office closes on holidays.  I decided on self care and send them both on errands.

The next day, I get slightly high sugar readings.  I page the doctor.  I was told to just continue to monitor the levels.   That night, I thought I heard teens on the street playing with fireworks.  I couldn’t sleep afterwards.  The weekend is starting to get better and the cold is getting better.  Monday afternoon, I hear my husband talking to who I thought was a higher up with in the police department.  So, I go to the door and ask about the noise last night.  I was told they put someone into custody for fooling around with a gun.  So, I started asking a lot of questions.  When the door closed, I learned it was the mayor of our city who came to the door.  I was embarrassed.  The house is a mess because we are cleaning things in the basement.  I just gave the third degree to the mayor of our city.

My living daughter could not sleep since learning what happened on the street.  I could not sleep either.  She had this headache all week that wouldn’t go away.  It ends up the shootings over Memorial Day Weekend wasn’t the only disaster for our city.  There was a boil water order before drinking it due to a water main break, it has since been lifted.  I decided to go out and get a haircut. I took my daughter to the doctor’s Thursday.  It’s her allergies. The headaches continue so I need take her to the doctor’s again.  As a bereaved mother my child being sick is a high stressor for me.  Over the years, I have a way of secretly being anxious.  We are going to talk to the dentist today to make sure it is not the new retainer.

Every day, we take for granted clean drinking water, when so many people in world don’t have any.  My family drinks only Spring water anyways.  We didn’t want to do the dishes if there was a question about bacteria in the water.  Every time, I went out to eat.  I got slightly high glucose readings.  I do not eat like other people to start with. I asked to be apart of this nutritional study as a volunteer.   Today, I saw people eating large subs for lunch.  I don’t eat like that.  It gets to me, I try and try hard.  I am the one with the cholesterol problem and now gestational diabetes because one blood  level  was too high by 5 points.  Most of this blog was written last Friday night.  I stopped typing around here and my glucose level was very high 260.  I paged the doctor.  I was panicking due to worrying about the baby.  I must have dropped my wallet and my pill case, while looking for my cell phone.  When the doctor called he was not the nicest person, so I gave it back.

Saturday was a mess, I discovered my wallet missing driving to work.   I had to turn around and go home.  I got information about a personal wellness seminar over this weekend.  I decided this was my gift to myself.   So, I have decided that could help me in my guidance in my spiritual journey.  So I decided to sign up for it.  Later, I realized my pill case with my thyroid pills and baby aspirin was missing.  This frightens me because one of the late miscarriage had blood clots.  My husband had to drive my pills  to me.  So, I missed a bunch of work.  I had to stay to get stuff done, because Tuesday, I am with the OB GYN all day with appointments to address this gestational diabetes.   I missed the first conference I sign up for.  I did sign up for a parenting conference, but I was so upset about missing the meditation conference.  I decided to go to something else on energy and healing.  This woman talks about being and working with cancer patients.   I spoke with her.  She is Stage 4 cancer patient with a teen age son.  I was talking about my infertility.  She told me her son was embryo donation.  It was like the entire day and all the frustrations made sense.  Because I was late, I met this woman.  Both of our children, my baby I am carrying was conceived through embryo donation.

My energy is stuck in the anger for the death of my last daughter, the treatment of having breast cancer and the death of my mother.  I keep asking myself why this energy is blocked.  I felt like I needed to keep marching on no matter what.  Lately, I am working on not holding in my sense of isolation but expressing it.  This baby is coming. I don’t want my daughter taken care of.  Because of the environment, I grew up in, I am very cautious to see no one is forgotten.  I am going to be honest with you.  I lash out sometimes.  I think the meaning of the anger is for me to tell people my truth. I need to be careful because when the gates open, they open.

I Have No Clue What The Title Should Be!

Saturday night, I went out for another spirituality/relationship class.  If anyone knows the area, you know Cambridge is the city of the “happening” people so to speak.  It a drive for me.    I loved driving through Quincy and Boston.  I was born in the shadows of Boston in Quincy.  The city, we could afford to buy our first house in and pay for the fertility treatments is not as “glamorous”, but I have a home.  Last year, my daughter decided she wants to attend Harvard.  I told her she can commute.  She says to me, “why it’s in the state?”  We have been having a lot of geographic minutes lately.

The previous weekend opened wounds.  Saturday was National Sibling Day.  I am so glad for the family I created today, but sometimes my heart aches for my brother and sister.  Finally, I found myself posting as an adult, “I am blessed to have grown up and adopted so many friends as siblings!”  I don’t know if my real brother and sister will ever come home.  Then, there is the thought of the children that I lost, my babies.

Sunday, I was dressing to show the pregnancy.   I am in that odd place.  Somedays, she looks pregnant.  Somedays, what pregnancy?  Sunday was my daughter’s first dance competition.  Over the years, I held on to believing I was going to have another baby.  People told me to get over it in so many ways.  I was told to give thanks for my living daughter.  How about you be grateful to have survived cancer!  Many friendships have ended because of my “obsession to get pregnant.” Sunday, three of these people were in the room.

As much as I have what want.  Secretly, the fear is still there.  The 13th of April was the anniversary of my son Haven quietly dying at 16 weeks.  We did not know until 18 weeks.  There were no signs of him having the rare disease.  I have been quietly anxious about feeling the baby move.

I have found myself touched by the struggles of others.  A friend from high school was posting about being in NH.  I finally asked what happened.  It ends up he could never have kids and he is a vet of the first Iraq.  He has been hospitalized multiple times for depression.  It ends up his wife left him for his best friend.  Last year, I lost a friend to suicide.  My vacation starts Sunday, so it’s a long drive, we are going up there to take him out to eat.

Vacation is going to be functional.  Lots of things that need to be done.  We are also in the process of hiring another company to buy auto/home insurance from.  After years of business, our last brokers spoke down to me and embarrassed me in an attempt to make a commission.   I am no little woman.  I am in the process of hiring another place to buy our insurance .  Then, we leave by train to Washington DC.  Last year we had to shorten our trip so I could fly out to the West Coast for the embryo donation process.  We decided to visit again.

I have been asked to set a budget for my position for next year.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I do not make enough money to have two children in childcare.  I am going to give them the best answer, I can.  I have the hospital job too.  I am not sure if I can figure something out by working the two jobs.  As much as I love both jobs, I was hoping to have benefits.  Under the system, I am under right now I make my own hours.  There is no sick time, vacation time or holidays.  Next week is paid by the tax returns.  I have made much progress towards that test that I need to do.  Everything is one step at a time in this pregnancy.  Otherwise, I get so overwhelmed too quick.

The Pregnancy Announcement Wake Up Call: I Needed That

Friday night, I had a wonderful time.  It came to my attention how negative I feel about pregnancy.  As a teen, my mother was always fearing that I would get pregnant like my cousins and quit school.  When I was pregnant with my first daughter and married, I began to feel guilty because I felt like I failed her and got pregnant.  Some of my family members held me personally responsible, when our first daughter died.  When I was pregnant with my daughter Hope, my sister said to me, “now I don’t want to hear you crying if you miscarry.  After all, we don’t want genetically inferior babies in the world.”  For months I would not speak to my sister, who was also pregnant at the time.  Years later, her daughter has multiple learning disabilities both of them.  I am not happy about this at all.  As a child, we taught not to jinx ourselves.  I had a lot of learning disabilities myself growing up.  A few relatives confused my learning disabilities with mental retardation.  In difference to these challenges, I went to college and grad school.  I work with children, people in recovery and I love what I do.  In their moment of harsh judgments about me, they inspired me to a new level.

Friday night, I saw a problem area.  I am due in September.   Goals and dreams for the summer were mentioned.  All of sudden, I don’t know how tell people, I am pregnant.  All these mix feelings about pregnancy came out in the following message, “I am due in September.”  It was unclear.  What’s due in September?  I think what message I got the most out of is, we are adults now.  I do know how to get my needs met.

I have been so angry about the way I was treated by my family during the cancer.  They are who they are.  I started one of my social media accounts on this thought.  No matter how much I want a cactus to become a cute fluffy teddy bear, it won’t.  So, if I keep hugging a cactus and complaining because I am getting pricked than I am the one who needs her head exam.

Let’s apply this to the birth announcement next Saturday.  It was eight years of losses.  There were 5 different pregnancy losses.  There were so many failed IUI’s, I loose count.  There were 5 failed IVF cycles with my own eggs.  One failed embryo donation cycle.  I worked so hard.   I will be damned if anyone is going to turn my pregnancy into a cheap talk show.   I have grown a lot since my daughter’s Hope’s birth.  People were treating me disrespectfully and openly since the maternity ward when my living daughter was born.  My gut told me to stand up for yourself and the baby.  Come on Ellen, stand up!  Because I wanted the love and approval of everyone, I didn’t.  My soul was crying and begging for me to do something.  When my daughter was 6 months old, I stood up for us.  Now, it is 10 years later, I am 10 years wiser.  I know right from wrong.  I am not going to care what anyone says.  I am standing up for my children and myself.  My first daughter’s death had nothing to do with any of them.  In their sick twisted minds, it was about them and their agendas.  If there are a lot of problems with relatives on a particular account after the baby announcement, than I am closing the account.  These are people with a serious drama addiction, who can’t see it.  I was saved as a teen ager thanks to Alateen.  I deserve the happy maternity ward experience.  Years of hard work went into this.

Those are my thoughts after the seminar on Friday night.  I think new people are going to come into my life.  I am just waiting for them to come.  I did see something last night that reminded me of my life before my first daughter died.  I was the “life of the party.”  After her death, I changed.  Hiding my truth is wrong because I am the only one injured.  Taking a deep breath, I am not scared to tell my bosses.  I was frightened on how other people will react.  Today, I am ready to kick them all out.  I am opening door of my life to who wants to come back or meet me for the first time.  I am done begging for someone’s affections.  Next Saturday is my birthday, I will celebrate it in a way that seems right to me.   I took the day off.  The day afterwards, I will work at the hospital, which is always fun.

I Need Everyone’s Prayers: I Just Want To Cry So Hard

This morning, I am preparing for a relaxing day. I took my daughter to school. I came home to discover I was lightly bleeding. I called the OB GYN. An hour later the bleeding got worst, so I called the OB GYN again. At this point, I drove to the local hospital. They saw some type of bump, which increases my risk of miscarriage. They saw one embryo with a heart beat. They asked me to stay home tomorrow from work. If things get worst, I am to drive to Rhode Island. The tears are coming and going. I am not miscarrying without a fight. I scan the reports and sent them to the embryo donation program in California. I am home. I just ate. They didn’t want me to eat incase I needed surgery. They feed me a sandwich, crackers and orange juice at 3PM. Please Pray! I WORKED SO HARD TO GET THIS FAR!

My daughter who is 9 years old was sent to afterschool, which I never do without her knowing on a Monday. I was so panic that she would worry. Funny enough, when I got to the school. She needed to almost be removed because she was having too much fun.

Heading Back: Infertility Journey

Hopefully, the stress is starting to slow down. The plane for the West Coast leaves New England on Sunday. It’s the “baby flight” hopefully. Last trip had a lot of unforeseen problems, that I don’t care to repeat. One the morning of the flight last trip, I had a collision between my personal and work life forming. Someone was threatening me on a professional level. All of a sudden, I had to call in my own form of backups. You see it was a type of poker game… between two different people on different career paths same goal. All this worry, the worst never happened. Even through, I have worked in my field for years, it angered me.

A phone call came from the emotional vampire of my life. I am looking at my cell phone, it’s 9PM PST. I felt like saying go to BED because it was midnight in EST at home. So, he sucked the life out of me all trip long. 3AM PST, I was wide awake. Too much stress!

It was stressful enough to have to leave my comfort zone home to get fertility treatment. I barely slept all last trip. Not because of jetlag. The stress was reaching new levels back home. I came home and crashed! Then I woke up at 2AM on Sunday and couldn’t sleep. Monday, my husband fell on the black ice and broke his elbow. It’s hard being in fertility treatment. Life goes on… My outdoor Christmas lights are not up. My holiday cards aren’t sent. All of sudden, we are switching chore lists due to my husband’s elbow.

Then, there is my daughter, who I love. She got a perfect score on 280 problems on the state exam. All week, she has been stressed. She is having a hard time understanding it’s okay to get something academically wrong. Now, she thinks she can never get anything wrong again. The tears this week were getting to me. It’s like banging my head against the wall sometimes. We only ask her to do her best. She wants perfect… Please girl you are only 9 years old! Perfect is doing your best in the circumstances of being imperfect and living in the world.

There is true serenity on the ground level of life to putting your cell phone on airplane mode. Sometimes, I just want to scream “stop!” This trip, I will bring my meditation tapes and my study guide. I will find something fun to do even through I am by myself across the country away from my family. I will block out the “emotional vampires” from using my cell phone for their personal gain. I am off the clock. Really! I had the best time at points during the last trip, but sleep is needed to get pregnant. I only day flights. Tomorrow since I have no one scheduled, I decided to do paperwork from home. I have had to switch chores with my husband.

Today it hit me. Some days, I try to justify why I want another child. While I was working with the kids my top reason came to me. Today, I narrowed it down to a reason, kids are a lot of fun (. the end.) Another reason is I don’t want to end my pregnancy life in lost.

I have looked into yoga classes where I am going and there is always plenty to do… The clinic is in the farm country. So, Sunday, I plan to spend some time in the city doing something fun. The acupuncture appointments are arranged for over there and here. The fertility diet changed again… Whey protein did nothing for me. I didn’t loose weight. I gained weight. The cholesterol rose even higher to a more dangerous range. I switched things around. Avocados take too long to make a smoothie in the morning. Traveling and eating out, it is so hard to find things to match the fertility diet. I am trying to stay high protein and low carb… If you saw the breakfast bar at the hotel, you would understand. For me, it’s lunch in EST time… I am really hoping this time! It’s hard for us with infertility issues to get time off from work. People want to know why I am going out there. I finally told someone it is due to life circumstances. It hurt so bad last time, when it didn’t happen, so I hope… I grow tired of this… My entire summer was waiting to hear. Now the holidays are here and I am missing time with my daughter. I hope… I am tried of eating what I do. I am tried of the pills and meds. I am tired of being the cheer leader. I am tired of being isolated. I am tired of pretending that everything is okay, when I really want to cry. I am tired of wearing the mask. I am tired of trying so hard in the cholesterol and fertility issues to end up with no results every time. I am tried of waiting… It’s been eight years too long…