Today was my first day back to work after the transfer. My sleep is better after returning home. I think the meds need the bathroom in the middle of the night. I have not told my job that I involved in getting fertility treatment out of state. My job thinks I have a personal matter on the West Coast due my biological father’s unconfirmed death. I had heard some sad news about children. Work was busy… I left a little late to get my daughter. All these things are stressful. It hits me what if I have put so much of the family’s money to have infertility treatment and the pregnancy test is negative. It’s not just the money. There was some serious coordination and effort to getting to the West Coast for embryo donation. I cried.
On the highway another high stressful situation for me. There was a bad car accident on the highway. It has been ten years since my first daughter’s death. Sometimes, I have bad memories of her death. It’s the same highway my ambulance went down to Boston, when she was born. Today of all days, the memories come back. I called the school because I am late. They are sent my daughter to after school, because I don’t know if I can make it on time. I am holding it together…. I took the wrong exit to my daughter’s new school, because I am so busy holding it together.
I think I have said this before. My job situation is a catch 22. I can design my own schedule around my daughter and infertility treatment. The trade in is there is no benefits. There is no sick or vacation time. It does get me, but I love what I do. My husband took his new job to offset my earnings. It still brothers me that I could be earning more.
Last week while I was away for fertility treatment, I didn’t get paid. There is a cancer walk coming up for my dance school teacher, who inspired me during my cancer treatment. I can’t go because I may be pregnant. My daughter wants to go. The lowest donation minimum for a child is $100. The lowest adult donation minimum is $300. The coordinator is telling me that no one will supervise my daughter during the walk and my husband needs to register. In all these fund raisers, my husband and I pay for our living daughter. Maybe it’s just the hormones or did I really just send an email telling off the coordinator? Yep, I did. Boy did that feel great! So, I am laughing. I guess assertiveness training for me consists of estrogen patches and progesterone suppositories! I have felt the decrease in caffeine yet. I wonder if I am just in hormonal up swing!