Tag Archives: #perceptions

These Past Few Months…

Writing allows my sanity to flow.  My toddler daughter reminds me how much zest for life we have as small children.  I see pictures of me  at twenty-five year old in a wedding grown.  I believed.  My innocence was taken away, when I learned the baby I was carrying was to die from an awful disease.  My first born had a bell shaped rib cage that refused to let her lungs expand.  I watched her die.  Then, it was the words of others that confused me.  I didn’t care about the social issues.  It was what I felt I needed to do for her and our family.  Then, when a miracle occurred and second one was born, the rug was torn from under the feet of my soul.  I chose bad caregivers with their own agenda to care for her without knowing.  For months, I cried at the level of betrayal.  I learned from that day forward to trust my own gut instinct.  The innocence of a picture of me at twenty-five year old in wedding gown was torn.

When I wanted another baby, I held the silence of the losses.  One miscarriage at six weeks, 18 weeks, 13 weeks and 21 weeks.  I silenced my voice.  Then the breast cancer came and my mother died.  Quiet Ellen!  Can’t you be grateful for the one you have?  I swallowed my pain and disconnected from the world.  I am doing this!  It took 8 years.  Proof, I flew out to the West Coast a few times instant miracle. Joy, my youngest,  was born.  Please don’t take me ungrateful.

The house was covered in black mold, a newborn’s parent worst nightmare. I have gone crazy scrubbing walls at night and getting a few hours to take care of Joy.  This war with the MOLD is always going on.  Somedays, I find it ironic like the negativity in my mind.  Somehow, I got disconnected from the one person I should have been connected with.  He kept drinking.  When I looked into her eyes, I heard my mother say, “do the best you can with what you have.” The mold has mostly fell into silence except when I notice it got a another piece of Joy’s clothing.  The war continues.  Finally, I brought the most expensive dehumidifier ever after a long battle about buying it.  My oldest has migraines now.   It seems puberty related. This morning, I notice, yep another cute shirt gone due to mold. Writing saves my life.

I am trying to reconnect with others. I don’t know if everyone will ever come back who were lost in my quest to have another baby.

As for the mold, I started reaching out to a family friend for help in the construction business.  That exclusive all expensive dehumidifier wouldn’t run continuously for the dumbest reason ever.  The company coils the drain hose.  I order another one.  Same thing again.  The family friend picks up because the company has coiled the drain hose, it’s causing kinks.  He drills a hole in the wood board holding the dehumidifier and puts a cooper tube in to hold the hose straight.  It WORKS!  Meanwhile, I struggling to find the time to load the old one in my car to return it.

I found myself struggling with the schedule of two jobs.  I have to pick up the kids by 3PM.  My daughter was picked to go to school in another town.  Middle school has no afterschool.  There is no public transportation.  I have to stop working and get the kids.  Then, I wait home until 6PM.  I am out to another job.  I noticed my toddler seems extremely impulsive.  She doesn’t like to be alone.  She hates shoes and gloves.  She bolts.  She has almost ran into the street several times.  She won’t eat bread.  It takes a half an hour to dress her in the morning, because she fights with you so much.  I do love her very much.  I very concerned about her behavior.  She is hitting every child at daycare.  Right before Christmas, she ran from the daycare teacher at the library and almost ran into the parking lot.

I started blaming myself because I haven’t had the same amount of time for her as the first.  When I last specialized in children, I learned about sensory disorders.   I don’t know much about them.   I am so concerned about her running into her death because she was hit by a car.  Her behavior is beyond the average toddler.  I made a decision to have Early Intervention look at her because she is like a space ship on continuous warp speed.  I am not worried about autism because that kid loves people.

In the past few months, I have been sleeping right.  I can’t seem to sleep after working at night.  One job is constantly under staff.  I have left at midnight due to it a few times.  Then, I struggle to get up to fight with the toddler to get dress.  My oldest is having anxiety about being late for school.  I have missed many showers.  I tried everything with my schedule.  When I was asked to take on an additional placement at my main job, I agreed as long as I can work additional hours on Sunday.   How does a toddler almost get out to the parking lot of a library? I started looking at other daycares.  All the childcare providers that my oldest had are retiring.  I feel like I am starting over.  Somedays, I very overwhelmed by child care for Joy.  She is in a family daycare that runs on the school schedule.  I started having chest pains last October.  I can’t get to the doctors because I have to wait for my husband to come home.  When Joy comes, I constantly correcting her.  It’s suicide watch 24/7.  My husband actually brunt his vacation days up so I get my trainings done for my license renewal.  I never wait until last second.  Two jobs and a mold war is all I am going to say.  I love her so much.  At 10AM on my days off, it feels like midnight.

I went for a stress test.  I warned the person that I wasn’t going to make my 3PM pick up time a week in advanced.  I am telling her I need a stress test.  So the morning of, she says see you at 3PM.  I told her again.  The daycare closes at 3:30, but she makes us tell her an exact pick up time.  I had to wait two weeks due to trainings, her jury duty and early release days for my oldest.  The test was at 2:15PM.  It was 2:35.  I said something.  The woman looks at me and says, “let’s reschedule it.”  It’s an act of congress for everything.  I am lucky to shower in the morning.  I said look I want to know the results.  They did the condense version.  I had an asthma attack.  You would think all that running after Joy would count as working out.  I bolted from the appointment.  I ran down to the daycare.  Her dog escapes and I am trying so hard to help. (The dog was saved.)   She bolts in the car with one of her kids and leaves.  She talking about Christmas shopping.  I ran out of time.  Christmas Eve, I discovered I ran out of wrapping paper.

I had to do extra hours at both jobs to cover Christmas, New Year’s and two days off. I travel for a living.  It’s a real struggle to make sure I am there at 3 every day.  I have no vacation time because I am part time.  I have to train weekly for a month to submit the paperwork to get my professional license.  We have 2 years to get the trainings done.  I had to cancel or not go due to all the problems at home.  (Side story, one training I was doing on my own lost accreditation.  I had to scramble to find new ones fast.) It was done.  It’s not my style.

Anyways, the stress test was normal because I was never contacted about problems.  I got a letter in the mail my cholesterol is normal first time in 7 years.  It could mean, I am experiencing scar tissue pain from the breast cancer treatment or anxiety attacks.  This is my thoughts on it.

When I looked at that baby day one, I realized how much resentment I was carrying due to the lack of help from other family members with my oldest.  Constantly resenting it does NOTHING!  I promised myself and her that I wasn’t waiting for a caped figure to rescue me.  I am putting that cape on myself.  I am Ellen hear me roar!

I brought the woman at daycare a gift.  She was obvious that she was upset there was no holiday bonus. Of course she is closed Christmas break.  We saved a lot of money switching daycare to her place.  So, I had it.  I found something that takes the pressure off me a lot.  I found a drop in daycare center!  You buy hours and schedule days. I also toured another daycare.  Joy was not prompted.  She sat down in every class and participated.  I am pretty sure she has an impulse problem.  She is blowing out of her dance class.  Her behavior is like the Tasmanian Devil.  Listen, my gut says something is wrong.  I am going to do the right thing here.  Maybe Early Intervention will tell me that I am crazy.  If she needs help, let’s start now before she flunks kindergarten.  If she needs nothing, I have peace of mind.  I am not allowed to practice my profession on my own kids.  I see some concerns.  I don’t think sitting around and wait another year will help.

I feared her return to daycare.  It was an explosion on my part.  I don’t do well with repressed anger.   The night before for eight hours to make money from taking days off.  I worked in a 50 degrees office with work for 3 people.  I apologized.  The women at daycare disagrees with me.  She thinks it’s all behavioral.  You know what there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  I lost two babies due to rare disease.  I flew in my first pregnancy to Maryland to get a second opinion.  Who am I not to ask the question?  We hired the drop in daycare. The pressure is off a little about childcare.  I need to take care of myself.

It really hurt when I went to that IVF clinic chat room and I was put on the spot.  Later, I did talk to the admin person.  It was the other admin person who did that.  I just told her I didn’t think it was the right time for us to interact with them.  I am never going back.  Listen, I fight addiction that is in recovery at home, work two jobs and I try my best.  I am also concerned because Joy’s red blood cells are small.  Her iron levels are normal. It was brought to my attention because the doctor has to worn you about everything that there is a slight possibility she could be the carrier of rare blood disease, which doesn’t effect her health, but may effect her when she goes to have children.  It could just be do to her anemia.  Let’s stop right there.  Our family broke medical history of being the first documented carrier for a different rare disease.  I heard him say slight.  I stopped him and summarized our lives in 5 minutes.  Yes, I can do that in a matter of fact way.  Sadly, it’s our reality.  Some days, I can.  Some days, I can’t.   Joy is my daughter.  I refused to look the rare blood disease.  Of course, my husband says I already did.  Sorry, I am busy looking at daycares right now and getting Early Intervention in.  I am going to keep faith again that isn’t what it seems.  I am crawling with anxiety.  Joy was conceived through embryo donation.  If her cells do not improve, I am feeling a duty to warn BIG TIME.  I did not share this with that group.  Because we don’t know.  Maybe my innocence was destroyed but why panic everyone?  It can’t happen to us…  AGAIN?  If this is the case, I will follow it up and take steps to warn the professionals.   I am not sitting on that.

I also did not feel ready to learn if Joy had genetic donor siblings.  I am not hiding the information from her.  It may someday put my relationship and her sister’s relationship in stress with her.  I don’t tell everyone about donor conception because I feel that is Joy’s choice long term to decide if she wants to disclose the information.  Look what happens just choosing to make decisions that our best for my family.  I have seen the dark side of medical treatment.

As for my oldest and her migraines, I am working hard on diets and regular routines. I am in short the evil mother to a certain preteen.  She had a doctor appointment after the blinding migraine.  She needs to see an eye doctor incase there is damage.  She already had an appointment due to the school mis-documenting she wears glasses and she flunked her eye exam.  We will keep it.

My resolution?  I lived two years sleep deprived.  I miss showers greatly.   I am trying to escape a violent city.  I am trying to take better care of myself.  I need to attend Co-dependents Anonymous more.  It seems to work better than wondering if my therapist knows someone I professional know.  I tried therapy and learned she knew the doctor I worked for.  I never went back.

We have been living a crazy life to fight the mold.  Hopefully, by me not working nights, I can monitor bed times.  Maybe my menstrual cycles will turn normal.  I bleed heavy.  They last for 20 days.  Gee, do you think that impacts my mood?  I gave up coffee.  I tried to quit smoking.  I need to sleep more regularly.  Sleep deprivation is like being drunk from what I am reading.  I don’t know what this year will bring.  Hopefully, we can gut the bathroom be done with the MOLD and the other dark stuff that taunt our lives.

Forget the caped figure!  I am saving myself!  I am putting my own cape on. I need peace with the person in my life.  I do love him.  He had a sore throat and I went crazy looking for a cough drop.  Somehow, I need to accept what is or figure out what to do.  I am not 100% innocent of being a part of the problem.  I need an attitude adjustment too.   of As for my career path, I need to figure a way to make a bigger income.  About $30,000, doesn’t cover daycare.  I can’t be working 6 days straight.  It was a tough decision because neither place was a prime choice.  I chose the one with more money.   For now, I told my very long term job that I will stop working every week regularly.  I am hoping a regular sleep schedule will decrease the stress.  I hope Hope and Joy’s life improves.  My New Year’s Resolution is to keep working on healthy choices for my daughters and I.

 

Advertisements

Mom Is In Pieces: Time To Put My Universe Back Together

I just paid for something that I against my own action.  In the middle of this huge personal crisis, I finally got time to talk out my own feelings with a friend on the phone the same week hubby got the ultimatum.  My period just came.  Joy was sick with a stomach bug and fever.  I had fever seizures, when I was growing up.  Avery, my daughter we lost a day after birth, was suspected to have seizures before her death.  I drove through a yellow light not red.  It had just turned yellow.

Not that I justify what I did.  I suffer from #Menorrhagia.  It’s been 2 years now.  The light turned yellow.  I got that dripping sensation.  I pulled through it.  Down the street, I was pulled over by the police and ticketed.  Just another thing that week…  It was not emotional enough to give your husband the ultimatum about alcohol treatment.  I requested a hearing.  The notice went to the PO Box.  It never came because the zip code was one digit off.  I finally am doing things like go to the bathroom, when your bladder says to go.  I ended up with a second bladder infection within a month due to not drinking enough or taking my medication correctly.

I finally got the call the DMV.  Friends were telling me not to worry because court could take a few months.  I never had a ticket before.  So, I called the week of after Labor Day.  I was pissed (which I never use the word on this blog.)  I should have been in court the day before.  I sent my husband multiple times to the PO Box.  No notice.

I am getting tired of the multiple events happening in life.  The day before the first day of school.  The UTI was hurting so bad.  I had to stop multiple times for the bathroom.  My husband worked from home because the new babysitter couldn’t work that day due to college.  I just started a new position within my agency.  I was late for work.  My oldest rainbow wanted a haircut before returning to school.  I am very new to working in a nursing home.  I have no clue.  I am not new to my field.  I am one of the veterans that made it.  (I am finding benefit to getting old and being middle aged.) We have new contracts and I am trying very hard.  I was running late.  I got the oldest a haircut. My husband is doing well.  He has been alcohol free since the day before our anniversary.  He had his group the night afterwards.  I decided I am going to the doctor’s.  I went to the doctor’s.  Another UTI.  I drop the oldest at home. I get my meds and the last item on my daughter’s back to school list.   I got the dog from daycare.  Joy had an open house at her new daycare.  I am trying to throw together all the stuff for daycare.  I am telling him that I will eat my diner in the car.

We are rushing to the daycare.  I didn’t get a chance to look at my cell phone.  My favorite aunt called me three times.  “Maryellen, this is important.” I called her.  My mother was one of five girls.  Only two aunts were remaining.  My other aunt was found dead by her daughter due to natural causes.  I don’t have the tears anymore.  We pull up to the daycare.  My aunt is telling me just get the girls ready for school.  I did pull aside Joy’s new daycare teacher.  I just told her I was not well and I learned my aunt died 5 minutes earlier.  Aunt Eileen worked at Walmart until her death, because she could not afford retirement.  The fact she did not show for work is when the boss called her emergency contact (her daughter).  Our family has strong work values.  Strangely enough, I called my favorite Aunt before Labor Day, because we had an argument over the girls’ birthday party.  The thought crossed my head working in the nursing home, if she ever dies and we never talked again.

It was the Eve of the first day of school.  My oldest is now old enough to stay home by herself and she refused to go to the open house.  I did the best I could with the open house.  I braced to tell my oldest.  My favorite aunt was crying so hard.  She is the only one left.  Her children live in Florida and the hurricane was coming.

There is a miracle to this story.  Her son for years was waiting for a kidney transplant.  In the mist of all this death and chaos, the following week, a kidney was found for him.

So, the next day, I go to go to court to talk about the missed hearing.  My youngest fell asleep.  I said to my oldest, I will go tomorrow.  I promised my favorite aunt we would go and bring her lunch.  Of course, I picked the restaurant being remodeled.  We ran late, which is the family theme song.  I refused to not show up on my aunt.  At 3:30, we get to the court.  The clerk is pissed that it is Friday afternoon and we show up.  He has an adult melt down on me like a toddler.  I see my oldest sit down.  She is telling me to just pay the ticket so I won’t go to jail.  I am reassuring her that we don’t lock up people for getting their first tickets.  She is almost in tears.  This guy is so Narcissistic.  Now he is telling me he is going to be my savior and give me these magical numbers.  The short of this blog is.  I still don’t have this family and work balance down.

Hope is adjusting to middle school.  Apparently, when I gave her Dad the ultimatum and judged myself harshly for doing this in front of her, she has learned to stand up in school against the bullies.  Twice this year, the story end with, “I told the teacher.” I high five her every time.  Otherwise, she has been sobbing in public like a kindergartener whenever she is corrected.

Here I am found guilty because the notice failed to show.  Did the state send it?  Are they guilty for not sending it.  The clerk was rude.  He was saying things like, “so are you going to say it’s your baby’s fault.” I ended up hiring an internet lawyer.  So, wow what a change at the court house.  All of sudden, it was come in and we will just give you a new date.  Nothing needed to be filed.

I went to my first therapy session last week.  My youngest had a blood draw for her last lead test (lead tests are now drawn twice.)  I went to the post office and spoke with the manager to make him aware that I was found guilty because I never got the notice.  I went to the school to get my other daughter.  We were getting ready for a cancer event.  The doctor’s office called.  She was fine, except we got called back in because her blood tests didn’t look right.  That same night on the way back from the event, our passenger side tire blew out on the highway.  I drove my oldest home late that night.  I had to argue with the tow truck driver.

Again there is no affordable child care options here.  I worked 6 days to pay a babysitter this summer.   I work Saturdays and Sundays to keep the daycare cost down.  My poor toddler daughter.  I had an hour to catch the lab again.  I drove her back to the doctor’s office.  She cried even harder than before.  I hid my face and I was crying too.  I never made it to the court house.

Wednesday of last week was my aunt’s awake.  My husband couldn’t go due to needing to watch the baby.  My brother and sister were going to be there.  I hadn’t seen them since my mother’s burial.  My brother is an alcoholic.  My sister has anger management issues.  When my oldest was 6 months old, my siblings made my life miserable, by saying I was mental ill because I wouldn’t let my first daughter’s death go.  My oldest daughter was suppose to go with me.  I picked out a skirt and a shirt.  She got the time wrong on her dance class.  She comes out in these loud printed pants.  She didn’t pack the skirt or shirt.  I told her she couldn’t go.  She began to sob like a 5 year old child publically embarrassing me in front of her dance school.  I drove her to meet my husband at a restaurant.  I was going to hand off the baby to him.  He was upset we were late.  He walks in front of my car making faces.  I told him that I wasn’t going to eat with them.  I got back in the car.  I picked up a sandwich at a store.  I gave the woman a prepaid credit card with a $1 on it by accident.  I wanted to cry so hard.  I managed to get there.  No parking.  So, I walked.  I spoke to my cousins.  I watched my siblings for a bit.  Then, I slowly went over to them.  Neither of them have seen the youngest ever.  We talked and my brother turned cold.  He told me he need to talk to my cousins.  No hug.  Nothing.

I saw my cousin later.  I threw out the idea that all the cousins should get together sometime.  She told me, “people do have lives.” I am seeing after my favorite aunt dies, I will be separated from all my cousins and family.  I am done grieving this.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

My oldest had a battery of  migraine tests today.  Yesterday, it was my last chance to go to court.  My youngest has low iron.  I have spent the week calling doctor offices.  Yesterday, after fighting this ticket hard.  I had 5 days left.  I just started a new position within my agency.  My oldest left the courthouse fearing my arrest.  Yesterday, I looked at that little girl.  Finally after all these weeks of trying to fight this one ticket.  I plead guilty and just paid it, because there is no childcare to help.   Last week, the agency for the first time ever, they didn’t pay me for Labor Day because I am part time.  I needed that money.

I feel like a dog chasing her tail.  I don’t want to say the summer was the worst, because the summer I had breast cancer treatment was the worst.  Every day, I feel disrespected.  I feel better not being home.  Thankfully, I have made some new friends.  Otherwise, I feel ignored.  I feel other mothers laughing at me.  They don’t get the alcoholism moved in.  I have been desperately trying to control that is not mine.  Somehow, I hold on to the hope that my personal joy will prevail and I will find an inner peace somehow.  I am reaching out beyond my home for help with this demon.  Yes, your honor.  I am guilty.  My kids need me right now.   I don’t have all this time to chase courts and ignorant clerks around.  I am pretty sure I have my third bladder infection.  I want the multiple crisis.  to end.   I need to work on self care.