Tag Archives: Career

Frustrated

Summer was not off to a smooth start.  Joy, my youngest has toddler diarrhea.   My oldest will be going to see more specialists about her liver enzymes off and her vertigo.  We can not afford to move to the town where my daughter goes to school.  I work two jobs.  One made promises to accommodate my needing to get and pick up my oldest from school.  I am not seeing the paperwork going through.

Joy needs to be at a new daycare.  In the 17 months she was at the same one,  she had 5 different lead teachers.  I have witness one toddler push her to the ground repeatedly.  Her last day, the written was on the wall.  My oldest didn’t want to go to an art camp.  So, I hired someone who worked for the school system to babysit both the girls at a flat rate.  This person is worth more than I can afford.  Childcare takes over half my pay to pay.  I work in human services, so I can expect to earn between $30,000 and $40,000 full time.  Remember, I have been doing this 14 years.  I love the field.  I give up dreams of being rich.  I work about 30 hours per week. After fighting cancer, infertility and infant loss, I am spending time with those two girls, who I fought so hard for.

I can go to one job and quit the other. I will loose $200 a pay period.  I am trying so hard to get our family out of the 100 most violent cities in America.  There is a price difference between the city I live and the town Hope goes to school.  If I sell this house, we need a bigger mortgage to get in that town.  Chances are after all this hard work to fix my house, we can only afford a fixer upper.  We have been painting the kitchen.  We are literally tripping over stuff to remodel.  My house needs a few remodeling expenses like a new bathroom to sell it, which we can’t afford.

I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is no public transportation between the town my daughter goes to school in and where we live.  I don’t think she is quite ready to stay home by herself.  I work too far away to take a lunch break late and go pick her up.  If she returned to our city schools, she would be badly bullied.  One job is open to split shifts.  The other job made promises the paperwork didn’t show up.  When I try to talk to them, they just say it’s too far away.  That job requires a two month notice.  I sent them an email saying I need to know now.  I find myself struggling with between finances, work and parenting responsibility.

Yesterday was my daughter’s recital. I decided to reach out to my in-laws.  I finally told them how much I earn for a living and the costs of childcare.  These guys come with a warning sign, “emotionally out of order.” For years, they have caring for free my sister-in-law’s kids, who is a high paying nurse. Her former spouse scammed thousands of dollars from them.  She is their favorite.  My father-in-law pissed me off.  He said to me, “your mother did it and you will too.” Swears flooded my brain but the kids were there.  My mother died a horrible death.  She left me in care of my siblings who were abusive.  So, once again, they are not available.

This weekend has been stressful.  After many years of fighting infertility, I am very aware of my length of cycle.  It didn’t come.  I said is this a joke?  I found myself day dreaming of an accidental pregnancy, which is impossible.  Today, we tried to start a dog walking group.  No one showed.  I have been having so many difficulties with heavy bleeding and long cycles.  Last month, I made it a point to try to sleep at least 7 hours per night.  I also took vitamins. People have been telling me that I sound perimenopausal. I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I flunked in the accidentally pregnancy accident department.  I found myself grieving again. I began to fantasize it was menopause and the nightmare of heavy bleeding was over.    Four days late, guess what came today.

My brain is tired from crunching the numbers.  I am worried about my relationship with others.  There is no afterschool program for Hope, who is going into middle school.  That’s about $50 per week we save.  Today, I paid the deposit for Joy to start a home daycare program that follows the school year.

Money is money.  People can never be replaced.  We have food to eat and a home.  Everyone is healthy that I am aware of.  The mother of Hope and Joy is going to have hope that an answer prevails soon and joy returns to the home.

Forgiveness or Acceptance? A Year In Review:

An incredible miracle happen this year. After 8 long years of in and out of fertility treatment, our daughter was conceived through embryo donation on the West Coast.  Check another miracle arrived.  I was reading an article through Resolve that stuck me.  We are going to have bills to pay long term, which I call affectionately the “conception bill.” When my first daughter was younger, I worked the weekends.  My husband worked the week days.  His mother said, “I will help you one day only.”

When you are going through infertility treatments, the appointments happen whenever.  When Hope, my oldest was 3, I decided I needed more childcare, so I put her into daycare.  I said it’s temporary because I will get pregnant and have a baby.  The story didn’t happen that way.  After years of recurrent pregnancy  loss and  late second trimester losses, we couldn’t get pregnant.  They recommended ICIS IVF.  The problem was about coverage for the cycle was insane.   Our health insurance was in our mandated fertility state.  Pharmacy coverage was from a different with no mandated coverage.  Yes, health insurance covered the procedure.  The money for the medications was not covered.  I had to switch jobs for a higher income.  We saved $5000.  We went through the cycle of IVF ICIS.  It was a  negative  pregnancy test with no explanation.  I switched jobs because I didn’t like the agency.  I was crushed.  Over a year to save $5000 and it was all gone with not enough meds for another cycle.

I got pregnant on my own a month and a half later.  I was cautiously happy.  One week at a time.  Sadly, the ultra sound picked up multiple birth defects on October 30th 2009.  They didn’t think I was going to term.  On November 19th 2009, Addison was born still.  My new workplace was angry about the pregnancy.  I had to switch jobs again.  This time back to the hospital.  We underwent months of additional genetic tests to learn we were the first family to break medical history.  We did soul searching and decided to try donor sperm.  First cycle,  I found blood on my bra.  I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  I continued to work full time.  I thought people would be there.  They weren’t.  I asked my mother-in-law to please stay with us for the first chemo.  She wouldn’t.  My mother died that year too.

It was not clear to me, she had just been diagnosis with NF2, a genetic disorder where the body makes non-cancerous tumors on the central.  I have been trying to learn more.

It been 5 years since the cancer, I struggle with the anger.  Instead of blowing up, I shut down.  I kept people away from me.  About 3 years ago, I realized my marriage was in the process of falling apart.  Months and days went by where I did not speak to my inlaws.  I have said this many times, we operate like a divorce family.  As the scheduled C section came near last August, my mother-in-law tried to cancel on watching Hope.  I couldn’t get it.  Through all the infertility treatments and genetic test, I remained beside your son.  She was busy taking care of her daughter divorcing her wife and herkids.  Here I was with a major accomplishment.  I stood up for myself and she argued with me.  Both my legs were swollen.  I am struggling with forgiveness.  Why can’t I just be over it.  The more I read on NF2.  The more I understand.  This  non-cancerous tumor may be interfering not only with her hearing but my relationship with her.

I am becoming more aware of what I have given up to spend all these years in fertility treatment.  I went from job to job hoping to have a baby.  My kids job appears to be in the process of dismissing me after agreeing I could return one day per week.  It hurts because I really enjoyed the kids.  I gave a lot of myself.  My new job is working with adults.  It’s time for me to stop going job to job.  I need to really look at what I want for a career.  I am anxious about this new place.  I am hoping it works out.  I am also coming to a level of acceptance that I may need to leave the kids job.  I wanted the license to work at the schools.  I never took the test.  The jobs seem so far away.  I am looking for the balance too of home and family.  It breaks my heart, Joy is at daycare as an infant.  Hope was 3 years old.  It was hard.  I think my resolution this year will be to set goals as a person, who has finished treatment.  Infertility treatment/pregnancy treatment consumed my heart and soul.  Time to find other goals!