I was a teenager, when a group of friends saved my life in multiple ways by bringing me to a twelve step program. I grew up in a very domestic violent home. When I was 25 years old, the courts decided to make our restraining order forever valid. My mother was very broken by her own childhood. She repeatedly told us to stay close to one another. In her dementia, she told people that she didn’t want to cost anyone money when she died. My brother called it her dying wishes. I was the one to find her dead due to natural causes. I was told not to invite anyone. I didn’t understand why. I worked full time and I was in a state of shock. I was half way into my cancer treatment, when they had her cremated and had the ashes thrown around the family gravestone. She deserved to burred like a Queen.
That being said, I have struggled to write this blog a billion times. Sometimes, it was a book. Sometimes it was short. This is not the secret, I am releasing this morning. Both my girls live a different life. Both live middle class and stable lives. It’s not the hush hush place I grew up in.
I am timing myself now. I have a few minutes of Sunday morning silence. My last aunt needed heart surgery. She reached out to me, after my mother died. I decided not to entitle this one a letter to my nieces and nephew. I love them, when they were born. I spent every bit of extra money on them.
My sister got married after my brother had a son. Her husband is a blog to describe him. He was engaged to someone else, when my sister dated him. Shortly after their marriage, my sister got pregnant. I was in grad school at the time. I needed to just earn money. I left my high paying job to get my internship done. I started to work at the same place as him. We had a co-worker with a bladder condition. He was the ring leader in harassment that never should have happened. She needed someone there to go to the bathroom. He made toilet flushing noises over the radio and then he would show up like he never did anything.
I didn’t know what to do, I told him off myself. My sister is pregnant and he says she can get a second job to support the family? English major get a real job.
My cat almost died. He found it funny. He drew a sexualized picture of me with cat liter. My supervisor at the time was laughing about it. This time, I went my mother. I was so hurt. She called my brother and sister.
My sister, who I stood up for. They came over the house. I was given two options. I could never see my nephew and nieces again if I persisted this happened. I could confess to being mentally ill to my mother and told her I needed help.
The basis for this was I had depression after being diagnosis with thyroid cancer at age 19. In two years, my father had plans to kill the family. I graduated highschool and I went to college. The thyroid cancer was found. I went on anit-depressants for a while. It allowed me to function in college. I was terrified of losing contact with my nephew and niece. I confessed to being mentally ill.
I have 10 minutes left. This summer, I asked my sister to tell me about my Aunt’s condition. She said she would. Earlier in the year, I actually ended all social media contact with my cousins. I have buried babies and any time I honor these angels they say I am looking for pity. A lot of my 12 step friends are on my social media account. My sister started taking pictures. This is the reason this entry is timed. My sister and brother have been very verbally abusive. When my oldest was 6 months old, they continued to make statements about my oldest child having birth defects.
She decided to scene shot my social media account. I had it with her. For years, she went out of her way to verbal abuse me. Since my brother-in-law drew such a sexualized picture of a cat, I screen shot all my cat photos posts and sent it to her. I also told her my oldest aware of her verbal abuse. I told her off. Every birthday, I cry about these people. She didn’t show up when I had breast cancer. My youngest bares her name for someone else.
The next night, she decides to text my cell phone. Again telling me that I am mentally ill. Now she is saying I am on drugs. I am not. Abuser have ways of making their points truths if you allow it. I wanted to say urine test me any day. Dear sister can you say the same?
My cousin contacted me a week later to tell me she was transferred to a nursing home after being in the intensive care unit. I answer her calls. I don’t think she is aware of what happened. I couldn’t sleep due to them. I think is best that I remain detached.
My sister called me asking them “to bend over backwards” who lives 20 minutes away from me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Every birthday I cry. This year, I am celebrating. It was through my mother’s love and being involved in 12 step programs that I survived.
It’s been a long time of them harassing us. Some of them looking at my husband’s resume on Linked-In. They were logged in to make sure we knew. If there is another event, I plan to go to the court house. My oldest was so stressed for weeks.
The truth is I don’t deserve to hold this SECRET. I deserve better. I will talk about it some more in other posts. My heart gets sad because it is just the four of us for the holidays and birthdays. I am not their victim. They will not victimize my daughters. My girls can’t even understand their world. I had multiple anxiety attacks just dealing with her. I am creating and finding the real me. I don’t want to remember that home filled with domestic violence. I am safe in one of the worst places to live in the state. I love my Co-dependents Anonymous group. This is about preventing what destroyed my family for generations. I am looking at my girls. We are getting some cute results!
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