The last entry is about my oldest daughter’s birthday. It went from the new normal speed to new crisis after new crisis speed. I am literally sitting down for a minute. Not all the crisis situations were BAD. One was a life expected transition.
We decided to invest in a shed last January long before the Pandemic. Our house is a smaller house. For years now, I have been avoiding the remodel and add a second floor. The pandemic pushed our house. When Joy was born, I painted the cellar and we made a family space in the basement. It’s kind of a second living room, my office entertainment area and play area. The second half has been storage. All summer, I sorted out stuff.
I feel sad and guilty. I never mentioned my youngest’s birthday. A lot of dust has been floating around due to the cleaning in the basement and shed. This summer, we learned to kayak and we went kayaking a bit locally in local lakes. Neither of our daughters have birthday parties. We usually do something small to avoid having multiple verbal abusive family members at the house and the whole drama at the birthday screen. Usually, we do something the day of each child’s birthday. This year, I worked for both birthdays. We had decided to do a vacation in July. We didn’t go away. We did a few day trips for both girls.
My oldest ran a temperature and she was coughing and sneezing. I struggled all summer long with my asthma. My oldest got scared to the point of demanding to talk to a doctor. This whole event kind of impacted my youngest’s birthday. It also rekindled the sadness of having a loving extended family. I have been reading on narcissism (self centeredness & emotional abusive relationships). I keep reading. This narcissism in relationships finally makes sense to me.
My youngest was suppose to have a birthday at daycare. We had to change it from this fun bus event to a personalized greeting message from her favorite aquarium due to the pandemic. I brought the kids prewrapped packages of muffins. We made a ring out of painter’s tape with the packages of muffins and decorated with dolphins. They were going to celebrate her birthday a week early before the daycare went on vacation. The doctor gave the oldest a Covid test. I agreed it needed to be ruled out. I pointed out that I thought it was a sinus infection. She agreed with that.
My youngest was MAD that she couldn’t go to daycare. She peeled paint off my kitchen. She hit and kicked me. My oldest and I just fought. The youngest broke a major board in my futon. She destroyed all the eggs. We had no frosting. She was pulling items out of the cabinets and refrigerator. I had ordered groceries for delivery. The store was telling me that I needed to order $35 more to qualify for delivery. It took 4 days of until the negative test came back. We were able to take her out to eat and we had a good day for her birthday. Her behavior just continued. I ended up buying locks for the refrigerator and cabinets.
Then, Labor Day weekend we went kayaking and out with another friend. We went to my birth city and we had the best time ever. I called my aunt since it was the death anniversary of her sister. She was grandiose. She hurt my feelings a bit. I found some lint and cat waste. We went though a lot of electrical problems during the lock down. Apparently the hose got disconnected. The cats decided to use it since they electrical litterbox was out of service. I cleaned it up without a mask. I woke up with a sinus infection and bad laryngitis. It did end. I never had a fever or a cough. Guess what, my husband tells me he is drinking again. I caught him and smelled off his breath.
Two weeks later than usual, my oldest started her sophomore year of high school. She is in advance and honor classes. Literally, one day later, I walked that little girl that I had struggle for 8 years to get pregnant with. I lead to her kindergarten teacher and left with tears. Ready, the next day after the first day of kindergarten, I had my mammogram. I was 18 months due.
At first, I was told they needed more pictures. Then, the doctor walked in. I just remember how neither family could be available to help with child care for my breast cancer treatment. It was quite a battle for my in-laws who never care for my children to watch my oldest daughter for my C-section to have my youngest. She told me to do it the old fashion way without my husband. I cried for the past week. My oldest told me how the cancer impacted her life as a kindergartener. I didn’t have the strength to fight my birth family and my in-laws for help. I barely slept. I asked for help this time. I wasn’t doing it again. I had a biopsy on Wednesday. Friday the good news came in! My biopsy was normal. The oldest give me a hug in between remote classes.
My asthma is bothering me. The cellar is 80% done. The shed is organized. The kids rooms are organized. I have been cautious about finishing the basement due to my asthma and allergies. I got mad at both families and I kind of blew up. I get tired of being the “invisible child, who never does anything right.” I have been laying low from both sides. It just been a lot. I am grateful for both girls, a house/home and that I am not in active cancer treatment. I am emotional tired.
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