2017 was quite a year. I had to confront my husband’s drinking. He has not drank in over 6 or 7 months. His recovery has been tough. We do argue a lot. I am trying to find peace in all areas of my life. Twice this now previous year, lumps were found. I was lucky to hear it’s not cancer. I quit smoking.
Life has been challenging. I don’t know if it I have survived chemo. Working split shifts at two separate places is not working for me. I can’t sleep. I drag myself all the time. Our youngest is having serious behavioral issues at her family day care center. She can’t stop slapping other kids. A few weeks ago, she started to run towards the parking lot at the library, while at daycare. Last thing I need is to loose another child due to her actions. I made a decision to have Early Intervention come in. I am blaming myself. For 17 months of this kid’s life, I have worked 6 days a week or stayed up all hours of the night to fix the house. There have been times of uncertainty if I was going to stay married in the past year. Therapy did not work, because the therapist told me she works with an organization that employs me. I left. Plus, she only had hours where I had to bring the toddler with me.
I talked to her doctor and the family daycare, which felt it was a good decision to call Early Invention. I know a little about sensory disorders. I am not an expert. Again it’s like the babysitting. I feel like I am putting a lot of work in to make it work. I worked a lot of extra hours to get a few days off and I refused to touch the house. Overall it was relaxing. We finished intake at Early Intervention. A family pet’s struggle with cancer is at an end. We may be making decisions to put the ferret asleep soon. More doctor appointments. The last thing I want as a former cancer patient/infertility patient is more doctor appointments. Life after the miracle baby didn’t happen as planned. I daydreamed a life loving a baby during cancer treatment. At times, I feel stuck. We owe that big bill for conception. We want to move.
I need to get to bed. One thing I have noticed and read about is I am very sleep deprived a lot. So, I actually got 8 hours on my vacation and it’s been one day back at work and I am already not sleeping. Early Intervention wants her to stay in family daycare. The preschool Hope went to eluded that they are planning to retire. We went on a few daycare center interviews. One is a drop in center. I am not getting to my medical appointments because her family daycare has school only hours. We looked at daycares outside the town that my oldest goes to school. It’s a longer commute for me. All I want is to enjoy my daughters. My youngest is no longer anemic. Her blood cells are small. So, I began to worry because there is a very slight chance her small blood cells may mean she is a carrier of a rare blood disease, which wouldn’t impact her health. It would be a problem if she tried to marry or have a child with another carrier.
I found a group of parents. I barely think of her as a embryo donation child. I was all excited about finding this group. I feel guilty for everything she has been through with the house needing emergency repairs for 17 months of her life. I expressed this. Someone told me in the group that Early Intervention is going to recommend that I immediately go to therapy. Like that is a punishment? I had it. I am gone from the group completely. Now, I am concern if my youngest ever meets these people will they be mean to her.
It hurt to make that decision. Of course, the preteen chimes in. She didn’t tell me she had a “blinding migraine today.” I am going to bed with a list of calls for Tuesday. One being the preteen’s doctor. I am fearing daycare next week. I am asking for a parenting meeting with the family daycare woman. One second, she seems on board. The next second, she is saying why is your child running from you like I am doing something wrong. My youngest sat right down at the one daycare we visited. She participated unprompted. I don’t like dropping my child off, when she may be miserable. My goal is to develop a plan for both the kids. The preteen may need meds for the migraines. If the back up child care place works, I can start getting my appointments done. It would be a lot of stress off of me. As for the two jobs, I am working to switch to one place and not be at the other one every week. Sleep, logging off now! Good night!