Tag Archives: #infertility #embryo donation

I Have No Idea of What To Do! Happy New Year’s

2017 was quite a year.  I had to confront my husband’s drinking.  He has not drank in over 6 or 7 months.  His recovery has been tough.  We do argue a lot.  I am trying to find peace in all areas of my life.  Twice this now previous year, lumps were found.  I was lucky to hear it’s not cancer.  I quit smoking.

Life has been challenging.  I don’t know if it I have survived chemo.  Working split shifts at two separate places is not working for me.  I can’t sleep.  I drag myself all the time.  Our youngest is having serious behavioral issues at her family day care center.  She can’t stop slapping other kids.  A few weeks ago, she started to run towards the parking lot at the library, while at daycare.   Last thing I need is to loose another child due to her actions.  I made a decision to have Early Intervention come in.  I am blaming myself.  For 17 months of this kid’s life, I have worked 6 days a week or stayed up all hours of the night to fix the house.  There have been times of uncertainty if I was going to stay married in the past year.  Therapy did not work, because the therapist told me she works with an organization that employs me.  I left.  Plus, she only had hours where I had to bring the toddler with me.

I talked to her doctor and the family daycare, which felt it was a good decision to call Early Invention.  I know a little about sensory disorders.  I am not an expert.  Again it’s like the babysitting.  I feel like I am putting a lot of work in to make it work.  I worked a lot of extra hours to get a few days off and I refused to touch the house.  Overall it was relaxing.  We finished intake at Early Intervention.  A family pet’s struggle with cancer is at an end.  We may be making decisions to put the ferret asleep soon.  More doctor appointments.  The last thing I want as a former cancer patient/infertility patient is more doctor appointments.  Life after the miracle baby didn’t happen as planned.  I daydreamed a life loving a baby during cancer treatment.  At times, I feel stuck.  We owe that big bill for conception.  We want to move.

I need to get to bed.  One thing I have noticed and read about is I am very sleep deprived a lot.  So, I actually got 8 hours on my vacation and it’s been one day back at work and I am already not sleeping.  Early Intervention wants her to stay in family daycare.  The preschool Hope went to eluded that they are planning to retire.  We went on a few daycare center interviews.  One is a drop in center.  I am not getting to my medical appointments because her family daycare has school only hours.  We looked at daycares outside the town that my oldest goes to school.  It’s a longer commute for me.  All I want is to enjoy my daughters.  My youngest is no longer anemic.  Her blood cells are small. So, I began to worry because there is a very slight chance her small blood cells may mean she is a carrier of a rare blood disease, which wouldn’t impact her health.  It would be a problem if she tried to marry or have a child with another carrier.

I found a group of parents.  I barely think of her as a embryo donation child.  I was all excited about finding this group.  I feel guilty for everything she has been through with the house needing emergency repairs for 17 months of her life.  I expressed this.  Someone told me in the group that Early Intervention is going to recommend that I immediately go to therapy.  Like that is a punishment?  I had it.  I am gone from the group completely.  Now, I am concern if my youngest ever meets these people will they be mean to her.

It hurt to make that decision.  Of course, the preteen chimes in.  She didn’t tell me she had a “blinding migraine today.” I am going to bed with a list of calls for Tuesday.  One being the preteen’s doctor.  I am fearing daycare next week.  I am asking for a parenting meeting with the family daycare woman.  One second, she seems on board.  The next second, she is saying why is your child running from you like I am doing something wrong.  My youngest sat right down at the one daycare we visited.  She participated unprompted.  I don’t like dropping my child off, when she may be miserable.  My goal is to develop a plan for both the kids.  The preteen may need meds for the migraines.  If the back up child care place works, I can start getting my appointments done.  It would be a lot of stress off of me.  As for the two jobs, I am working to switch to one place and not be at the other one every week.  Sleep, logging off now!  Good night!

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Counting Down The Last Days Until The C-Section#i

Not much work is getting done lately.  We went on a picnic lunch to Blue Hill.  When my daughter was a toddler before daycare, we went all the time to Blue Hills to feed the ducks.   My husband and I worked alternate shifts.   We saw my Aunt yesterday as well.  She made a huge blanket and a sweater for the baby.  We had a minor car accident.  I went to get my Aunt coffee and the guy behind me stepped off the break. He drove right into the back of my car.   It was a pick up truck and I drive a small car.  It sounded worst to us than it was.  All I know is the baby curled into a tight ball in my uterus. Both my daughter and I spent a lot of time getting little one to relax.   I took his information.

One of my friends on social media lost her infant daughter to a car accident.  It took her years to have another baby.  Strangely, my C-section was rescheduled to her daughter’s birthday.  My aunt repeatedly said, “I am so sorry my sister is not here to see this baby born.” My mother died half way into my cancer treatment about 5 years ago.  I think we have cleared everything up with the in-laws.  My husband and I finished the discussion yesterday.    Honestly, it didn’t matter to me either way.  My daughter wanted grandmother and my husband wanted his mother.  I respect that.  I am moving on because there is lots to do and it is my last weekend with my daughter before the baby comes.  My mother would have never treated me like that.  She was the strongest person I knew.  She stood up for us and she taught me how to be brave.  Sadly, she never lived to see my hair grow back from treatment or this baby.  If anything, I hope she understands I will forever love her.  We still don’t know if it is a girl or a boy.  We decided on double middle names.  So if it is a girl, the baby’s name will be Joy Mary (after my mother) -Julie (Julie is the name of my dance teacher who died from cancer.)  If it is a boy, we plan to name the baby, Will Kenneth- (After my husband) Brian (my co-worker who could never have kids.  He was support to me when I had cancer.)

Enjoyed Hope’s Birthday Party!

I had the best time at the party.  Many of Hope’s (my daughter’s) friends have mothers, who I enjoy speaking with.  Especially, two mothers who have only one child by choice.   Friendships are very different with only children.  My daughter has struggled with the deaths of her sisters due to rare disease.  For many years hearing others were to become the “Big Sibling,” made her cry.   Hope was my drive to continue in fertility treatment.

My husband’s parents canceled last week.  By the time of the party, I moved past it.  I am just now starting to learn about rare disease number 2.  This NF2 disorder.  I don’t know what is going on with this non-cancerous tumor in her head.  Monday, she again accidentally called the house.  She does not acknowledge Hope’s birthday the day before.

Anyways many of my friends are aware our family lives in separate worlds.  He goes to his family, I am not a part of it.  We are slowly preparing for the C-section.  Only one person may stay with you during the maternity ward stay.  My husband’s parents only agreed to watch Hope for the C-Section surgery only.   I don’t know if they will cancel.  If they do, I am my greatest support person.  He is going to have to go and watch Hope.   So, I asked my husband to get a hotel in the area of the hospital for him and my daughter to stay at.  My friends were upset that I would be alone.  At one point, I would fight hard.  At this point, I am about acceptance.  His family will come to the maternity ward and I will not be treated like family.  Many times, I grieve this lost.  Over the course of this pregnancy, I learned I have many good friends that are my family.  I survived my breast cancer through friendships.  I struggle and grieved the lost of my family.  My husband was upset because he thought his sister was not showing up because she was late.  She came, I am polite.  Our families live in  separate worlds with one connection my daughter.  I don’t know if they will accept the baby, since the baby was conceived by embryo donation.  It will hurt no family of my own will come to the maternity ward.  My plan is to go to the family room if it gets to be too much.  I can’t make his family feel a love for me that they do not have.  Tonight, my daughter begged to call her grandparents because it is her birthday.  I told her she needed to do that with her father, because they would not answer my cell phone number.  He called and the phone was passed back and forth between them.  I am exhausted from them.  My hope is someday, I will grow old enough to have my children marry and to have children of their own.  I will show their spouses love and their children that I didn’t have.  After the baby is born, I will continue to seek spiritual connection with others through meditation.

The home front is quiet.  As long as the topic is child care or house work, we have peace.  The second, I seek a spiritually connection, it’s a war.  He will not draw boundaries with them.  It’s more a friendship than marriage.  Tomorrow, I am canceling my mammogram.  I looked at the hospital website.  The baby will not be old enough for the child care at the hospital.  He has to come and watch the baby.  The effects of his mother having this NF2 genetically for our daughter has been over our heads the entire pregnancy.  The baby is fine thanks to embryo donation.  My daughter Hope, I have no idea what this disease means for her future.  It scares me that any point her body could make these non-cancerous tumors anywhere in her central nervous system as early as age 22.  I texted my husband (texting is a gift since we learned he lost his hearing) how about we try to speak to the geneticist after the mammogram.  So, I am going to try to get an appointment for both in one day.  I will Hope my daughter Hope is okay.

The Great Due Date Misunderstanding

They changed my due date by a day again.  I started the last embryo donation process last fall.  Part of the process is to get the donor and the receiver on the same cycle through medication.  Technically speaking, I never got my menstrual cycle before getting pregnant.  The blood was considered a withdrawal bleed from coming off birth control.  This was a fresh cycle.  The egg donor had egg retrieval and I flew back out there for the embryo transfer.  That was twice in two weeks.  The first time was a uterine lining check by ultra sound.  It was a long way to go for an ultra sound from the East Coast to the West Coast.  It felt like this whole cycle was happening like my daughter’s pregnancy.  I asked the RE about what would be the potential due date.  My daughter was born August 11th and I was right it looked like a late August due date.  The donor’s retrieval did not go as planned.  It was delayed by 2 days.  The embryo transfer was delayed because it was a 5 days transfer (transfer occurred five days after conception.)  If you knew anything about the first plane trip, I needed to sleep due to plane delays, work concerns and trying to stay awake for my daughter’s Christmas activities.  I had 4 hours of sleep in 3 days.  I slept for the week.

In January soon after the holidays, the first day after vacation, I had a threatened miscarriage.  I choose to drive to the local hospital, because the other hospital was an hour away and I had never been there.  I have had 5 different types of pregnancy loss.  I saw the potential for a major car accident if I tried to drove to the other hospital.  Due dates are determined by the last day of a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The embryo was created by egg and sperm donation, so I took a mathematical guess based on what the doctor had told me during the first ultra sound.  The guess was a day off.  Not to scare anyone at times the baby measured too small by a day at varies times during the first trimester.  Fast forwarding to the second and third trimester, the baby measures exact or ahead of the due date.

Last May, they gave me a C-section date based off my incorrect math guess, which I told them repeatedly it was wrong, but since the baby was measuring 84% for a day earlier.   It was decided August 31st was correct.  This is indifference to the fact, I had an official document stating the due date was September 1st.  All of sudden, it became a huge deal that the baby was not going to be delivered at 39 weeks last week.  After months of developing plans for everything from pet sitting to child care for that day.  I was very disappointed.  Apparently, the document with the official due date was lost that I gave them.  So now the West Coast program needed to be called and they wanted to talk to the OB GYN’s office.  People kept asking me when I was due repeatedly.

This weekend, we started working hard on the nursery.  I cleaned out my mother’s bureau for the baby and did a load of baby wash.  My husband was outside with my friend from NH trying to install the pieces to fix the swing set.  They got two posts done.  Sunday, I worked.  Monday, I started pulling my daughter’s old baby stuff out.  I discovered my two senior cats had destroyed the old play-n-pack with the bassinet on it.   (Both cats died last year.) I tried to fix it, but it was gone.  I sat on the steps and cried.  There was no bassinet.  There was no C-section date.  This poor baby.  So, I got mad.  I called the OB GYN’s office, who I had not heard from since last Thursday, when my C-section date was taking away.  I let them know how hard this was for us in a dignified manner.  My daughter needed to be picked up from camp for her Ortho appointment. ( I didn’t know that kids go so often for the retainer. ) Happy news at the dentist office, we over paid for the retainer and the money needed to go back to us.  On the way home, I found a Play-n-Pack on sale for the baby.  The baby has a bed at least now.

It’s been slow putting the nursery together.  My last lost was at 31 weeks.  I did this with my daughter as well.  The last bedroom was decorated as a nursery for years.  Sadly, our daughter Addison was born still.  It became the computer room/playroom.  It’s been a slow process.  We have survived many disasters, the first bookcase was broken for my daughter and  the play-n-pack was ruined.  For three weekends in June/July, my daughter had something for dance school every weekend.   Thirteen years ago, we decided we wanted children and painted the cellar to create a multi- purpose room.   This clearing one room  is effecting the house globally.  My living daughter’s room is being updated at the same time.  Some of the furniture was meant for a small child in her room. We are switching out furniture between the two rooms.   Her room  looks like a preteen room.  There is so much work to clean up down stairs that at this point it has to wait until after my 6 weeks follow up appointment.  I am just trying to update my daughter’s room and put the nursery together.  The first weekend in August, we plan to pull the computers out.  We need to set up wireless WiFi.  God help us.  I am working at the hospital Saturday.  Some of my co-workers got together and are planning a shower for me on Sunday.

I did hear for the OBGYN on Tuesday.  They need to secure the day after the original C-section date.  She is not available that last week of August, but my daughter starts school that week.  When we pulled her last September for the first embryo donation cycle, she missed so much like pictures and running for school counsel.  She had to stay after and make up missing assessment tests.  It’s sad, but I think you can understand I need a date that is best for both children.  My daughter told me that she wants to spend time with the baby.  It would hurt her if we left her at school, while I had the baby.  The surgical coordinator is not available this week.  They are going to try to schedule the date for the following day.  I have repeatedly asked.  They are saying the baby is measuring great for either due date, but it’s a technicality of when the baby is 39 weeks.  There are tons of studies with safety risks and I get it.    I hope we hear from them soon…

The Symbolism Of A Swing Set In My Life

My mother raised us in an apartment in the suburbs of Boston.  We had no car.  The only swing set I had was the playground.  So, my brother found a swing set and cleaned up for me.  I lost him due to addiction.  My mother wanted us to have profession, careers and a better life.  We do have that.  I wanted to own my own home, when I grew up as a child.  My children were going to have a swing set.  We were raised in such a way.  Sadly, addiction and anger found my sister and brother.  I was unaware until my daughter Hope was born.  So, when I was a teenager, I walked the “I’m going to be someone someday.” In college, I decided to dedicate my life to helping others.  I love what I do, but it is close to being a volunteer.

We brought this house in a city neither of us would have chosen.  The property values are low, which makes the houses affordable.  Meanwhile, I say this with a straight face I won’t tell you about the black helicopters and the crime here.  When my daughter was 2, we brought a small swing set.  When she was in kindergarten just as I was just recovering from cancer treatment, the swing set was recalled and we were sent a replacement part kit.  I don’t talk about the cancer a lot.  The tumor was right under my left nipple.  Two lymph nodes were breast cancer positive.  For treatment purposes, I had 13 lymph nodes remove in total.  I had surgery, chemo and radiation.  The radiation treatment went to the left breast, up under my left arm and around my shoulder/neck.  I did not have the physical strength to install the replacement parts with my husband.  I went from cancer treatment to fertility cycles.  You can not pick up items over 50 pounds, when you are stimulating.  I tried to get friends or family to help.  The result was my father-in-law decided to tell my daughter that the swing set was dangerous and I should buy her a new one.  He had her announce at her birthday party that the swing set was dangerous and not to use it without speaking to me.  My in-laws and I do not get a long at all.  My husband will defend them until the end.

Last year, I had it.  I Craig List for someone to help.  Four years had past and the swing set rotted.  We struggled with what to do.  My friend sold her house and she had this swing set that needed to go.  So, we hired someone to move it and get rid of the old one.  It was expensive, but you are talking about a different type of swing set.  My husband starts straining it and discovers all the supports are rotted.  The person we paid never mentioned this.  After he took our money last fall, his recommendation was to just buy another one.  Here we are back to square one again.  Last night, all the anger came out.  Next month, it will be 5 years I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  My in-laws watched and they had excuses to not be available.  I try so hard to verbally whip lash people but I am sick of it.  This anger just keeps flying out.  All I want to say is where were you…  I struggle with this.  No one seems to see the relationship between my dreams and this swing set.  My heart broke this morning.  My daughter came to me and told me that she didn’t need a swing set.  She told me to just buy one for the baby.  It becomes clearer and clearer.  I married into the same family I grew up in.  It’s just reaffirming my voice does not matter.  There were several areas of my life, I ignored to get through fertility treatment.  My dream is happening.  I don’t need to live like this anymore.  I keep finding the anger of that year.  My daughter died. The cancer happened and my mother died.  Superman where are you?  Please come and help me.  He never showed.  There is two ways to look at this, I am angry but I also learned how strong I could be with little assistance.  Perhaps this is where I fix the brokenness.  Yelling doesn’t help.  They don’t listen to me when I speak, so I could scream louder than a Banshee and not be heard.  It only seems to effect my daughter and I spent the night crying.  As a Alateen graduate, I should know all I have is control of myself.  I think going forward that is where I need to be.

Rainbow Children & Spring Cleaning

So last week, I developed a sore throat, which was mild at first then it became worst.  A few people have developed this really bad cold.  I have had no energy for the gym for days.  I am participating in this nutrition health study in pregnancy.  All I have done is eat and sleep.  Last week, there was so many key elements that needed to be cared for before I went on vacation.  By Saturday, I was convince I got strep from the kids at work.  The quick strep test was negative.  Sunday, it turned into a cold.

I had promised my friend that we would drive 2 hours to New Hampshire to see him.  He was married for 10 years.  They were in fertility treatment, but the wife recently left him for another man.  She took everything, but his clothing.  A friend gave him a place to stay in New Hampshire.  My friend was moved across country as a teen by his mother to live here.  When he was 18 years old, she left in the middle of the night.  There are some relatives around.  His wife is long gone she moved to the South.  My friend is a vet.  He returned from Iraq  in the 90’s with several issues.  She destroyed him.  I learned so much from my friend, who committed suicide last year.  It was a 2 hours drive for pizza, but it is always worth the drive.  In my darkest hour, when the baby died, the breast cancer came and my mother died, several friends helped.   They did say, “Ellen is not our blood.”   If we waited on my family, I would have fallen forever.  My family formed a safety net for this family.  This is the way our life is suppose to be.  Cling on to one another… Life can pull the ground right from under your feet.  It was our pleasure to see him.  He was scared I wasn’t coming due to the sore throat.  We made it.

Vacation has not been “fun.” The first part is needed and functional.  Time to organize and get stuff done.  I am on the “evil” mother list.  No is a good word to teach kids.   We are cleaning in short spurts over a few days.  Children have no tolerance for one day mega cleaning spells.  The train leaves Wednesday morning.

Anyways, when I was helping her this morning, I reflected on one Rainbow thought.  Look at the picture.  This is a framed print, I brought for my daughter when we were in Newport, RI.   I actually mailed one to another mother, who was expecting a baby after loosing her child due to the same rare disease.  We lost track of that family.   It’s an angel standing over a young child.  Below is the picture of our daughter, who died at the NICU Unit.  I brought this cross, shortly after our first daughter died.  The words say,”hope is the belief, more or less strong that joy will come, desire is the wish it may come.” Sydney Smith.  During my first miscarriage at 6 weeks, my daughter was sleeping, it fell off the wall and broke in half.  A few hours later, I discovered the miscarriage.  Today, I discovered the nail was loose again and I banged harder into the wall.  I am a little anxious right now.  I went to get the baby’s new cross for a picture and it was broken.  Today is a state holiday and the Boston Marathon is going.  The new baby is fine, because I ate something and the flutters are going.  A few years ago, when the bomb went off.  It frightened me because I do have relatives and friends who go.  No one was there that year thankfully.  Hopefully all it means is the baby wants a cross from Washington DC.  I am leaving this blog this way…  I am sure we will enjoy vacation, when the train leaves.   There was a bunch of stuff that needed to be done.

I Have No Clue What The Title Should Be!

Saturday night, I went out for another spirituality/relationship class.  If anyone knows the area, you know Cambridge is the city of the “happening” people so to speak.  It a drive for me.    I loved driving through Quincy and Boston.  I was born in the shadows of Boston in Quincy.  The city, we could afford to buy our first house in and pay for the fertility treatments is not as “glamorous”, but I have a home.  Last year, my daughter decided she wants to attend Harvard.  I told her she can commute.  She says to me, “why it’s in the state?”  We have been having a lot of geographic minutes lately.

The previous weekend opened wounds.  Saturday was National Sibling Day.  I am so glad for the family I created today, but sometimes my heart aches for my brother and sister.  Finally, I found myself posting as an adult, “I am blessed to have grown up and adopted so many friends as siblings!”  I don’t know if my real brother and sister will ever come home.  Then, there is the thought of the children that I lost, my babies.

Sunday, I was dressing to show the pregnancy.   I am in that odd place.  Somedays, she looks pregnant.  Somedays, what pregnancy?  Sunday was my daughter’s first dance competition.  Over the years, I held on to believing I was going to have another baby.  People told me to get over it in so many ways.  I was told to give thanks for my living daughter.  How about you be grateful to have survived cancer!  Many friendships have ended because of my “obsession to get pregnant.” Sunday, three of these people were in the room.

As much as I have what want.  Secretly, the fear is still there.  The 13th of April was the anniversary of my son Haven quietly dying at 16 weeks.  We did not know until 18 weeks.  There were no signs of him having the rare disease.  I have been quietly anxious about feeling the baby move.

I have found myself touched by the struggles of others.  A friend from high school was posting about being in NH.  I finally asked what happened.  It ends up he could never have kids and he is a vet of the first Iraq.  He has been hospitalized multiple times for depression.  It ends up his wife left him for his best friend.  Last year, I lost a friend to suicide.  My vacation starts Sunday, so it’s a long drive, we are going up there to take him out to eat.

Vacation is going to be functional.  Lots of things that need to be done.  We are also in the process of hiring another company to buy auto/home insurance from.  After years of business, our last brokers spoke down to me and embarrassed me in an attempt to make a commission.   I am no little woman.  I am in the process of hiring another place to buy our insurance .  Then, we leave by train to Washington DC.  Last year we had to shorten our trip so I could fly out to the West Coast for the embryo donation process.  We decided to visit again.

I have been asked to set a budget for my position for next year.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I do not make enough money to have two children in childcare.  I am going to give them the best answer, I can.  I have the hospital job too.  I am not sure if I can figure something out by working the two jobs.  As much as I love both jobs, I was hoping to have benefits.  Under the system, I am under right now I make my own hours.  There is no sick time, vacation time or holidays.  Next week is paid by the tax returns.  I have made much progress towards that test that I need to do.  Everything is one step at a time in this pregnancy.  Otherwise, I get so overwhelmed too quick.

Even Irony Itself Found Irony In Yesterday’s Announcement

I went through a major personal crisis about 5 years ago.  I want people to understand my background because it explains my current relationship with my church and my spiritual crisis.   We had another baby died from the same rare disease, which was thought never to happen again after our first daughter died.  Six months later when we started using donor sperm, I was diagnosis with breast cancer.  One vial of blood had been destroyed by accident  about 5 years ago in our quest for answers about why the children keep dying.  We couldn’t see the whole picture of where this rare disease was coming from.  I lost my job.  I was able to get another job back at the hospital.  Then, my diagnosis happened.  At this point, we had been in infertility treatment for recurrent pregnancy loss and male infertility for three years.  I struggled.  Infertility treatment was no longer an option.   I realized, my life was truly in jeopardy.  So, I accepted chemo,  loosing my hair and accepted radiation.  We had consulted with a fertility specialist prior .  We didn’t have the whole picture.  The doctors felt our answer to the reason the babies kept dying may never be found.  Insurance did not cover egg retrieval for fertility preservation.  No one volunteered to be a surrogate.  We couldn’t afford these things anyways.

So, I held out my arm and started chemo.  I knew it would destroy my fertility, but looking back it was my life or dying from cancer.  Hope, my living daughter was 4 years old.  I saw both families withdrawing.  I was not leaving her alone.  I knew they would not care for her.  So, I found myself starting chemo, getting Hope ready for kindergarten and working full time.  I wasn’t quite sure how it all was going to work out, but I needed to live.  Two chemo cycles, full the genetic blood test results came back.  There was a dominant carrier, we were the first one in the world.  Two weeks later, I found one of our cats dying.  I decided to get the cat out of the house, because Hope was 5 years old.  I told my husband, I would go.  The cat was originally my mother’s.  So, I drove the emergency vet clinic.  I was really ill from the switch in chemo.  I called my mother’s number over 65 times according to the phone record.  It was like unlike her to be out visiting the neighbor’s apartment.  I got to the vet emergency clinic.  My wig was at home.  I am in my hat.  (The wig was not comfortable, I only wore it to work.) I was going to talk to my mother, who lived a short distance from the vet clinic about putting the cat asleep.  Sadly, I found her dead from natural causes.  The cat died a day later.

For  months after chemo, I found myself bursting into tears.  My brain began to ponder is there a God or an afterlife.  What God made rare disease, cancer and infertility.  Was I an atheist?  I turned to the two reverends at time.  This was a huge spiritual crisis for me, I found myself doubting everything I am.  There are a few ways people react a few ways to me.  She is the breast cancer survivor!  Did she just talk about the babies, who died again.  Why is she talking about genetic disorders again?  She has a kid get over you can’t have another.  People feared what I stood for.  I turned silent.

Almost five years later, I avoided people.  I learned to make social surface conversations that were not deep.  This was my own crusade.  Yesterday, I stood in front of the church, 18 weeks pregnant with tears of joy in my eyes. Here is where the anger is from five years ago.  I choose at first not to hug these people.  I find it anxiety provoking to make announcements in front of the church.  Then the  guilt got to me for pushing people away.  It hurts when you are in the trenches alone.  Now because you are a victorious hero because the fertility treatment worked.   Everyone wants to be there.  It took time for me to conclude I am agnostic.  Lately, I am reaching out to others on a spiritual path.  Only one reverend remains, who I asked for help from. I was very polite to her yesterday.   I rather choose to walk the other way, when she around.   Yes, I attend that church, but it doesn’t answer my spiritual quest that the crisis caused.  My daughter loves it there.  Two years ago, I could have left and never come back, but I honor she has her own path.  Nine is too young to drive yourself to church two towns over.

There is someone I admire there.  I spoke about before, named Mary.  I love this one aspect of social media.  I see organizations are pushing for Rare Disease.  I see other organizations are pushing for Infertility to be openly discussed.  I see organizations are pushing for miscarriage and infant loss to be openly discussed.  When Mary’s babies died, it was believed mother would be better off not hold or have interactions with the infant.  The dying infants were allowed to die alone.  She got divorced and remarried.  One healthy infant died after it was given penicillin, because the doctor failed to recognize a family history of an allergic reaction.  I know we have a long way to go on these issues.  It is amazing about choices we have for treatment.   I stood there and apologized a bunch of times that she could never have children of own.   Sadly, five years ago, two of Mary’s step daughters died from lung cancer.  Mary is slowly dying of cancer, because of her age treatment is cruel.  It was an ironic moment between the generations.  Someday, maybe there will be a way to use your own egg at 40.

I told them it is a privilege to be pregnant again.  My next candle thanked the doctors in three states  for helping to bring this baby into the world.  My last candle was for families with infertility, rare disease and grieving the death of someone.  Someday, I pray these topics can be discussed.  My eyes are open to the other areas of my life needing to be refreshed and renewed.  I don’t expect people to full fill all my needs.  I just know I need to grow!

Ironically, we went to the restaurant that we went to after Addison died for Thanksgiving.  We celebrated this new life on Easter.  Ten years earlier, I had the privilege of announcing Hope’s pregnancy.    Afterwards, we drove to the cemetery.  We decorated for Spring.  It has been 11 years since my first daughter died a day after birth.  Still today and tomorrow, my babies matter and I will always be their mother.

State Exams: The OB GYN Appointment and Anxiety About The Pregnancy Announcement

I had a good doctor’s appointment.  We reviewed the ultra sound results of the ovarian cyst.  Slowly, it is disappearing.  The doctor got the baby’s heart beat the second the dropper was placed.  I began to cry.  We are almost there.  So many times in my life, they could not find a heart beat. Later, I would be told that the baby had died and I was having a late miscarriage.  I have been pregnant 7 times, three losses ended in the second trimester 13 weeks, 18 weeks and 21 weeks.  We talked about me renting a dropper.  It’s like a safety blanket for me.  I am not going to use it every day and every second.  Some days those negative thoughts come out and it feels like the baby quietly died again.   I will be renting one this week.  My retroverted  uterus has corrected itself without causing any problem with the bladder.

As for my living daughter Hope, the sun was shinning all over New England.  Time to complete those summer camp applications.  I do not make enough money to have two children in childcare.  It is looking like I may have to find a new job, find a way to work the weekends or think of something.  Some days, we were almost 60 degrees.  The family has lived with a driveway that floods for 15 years.  We kept putting it off due to fertility expenses.  I am so tired of climbing over to the passenger side to hopeful not get my feet wet because it hadn’t flooded on the other side.  We are getting our taxes back and that is priority on the list for repairs.

Next week is the start of the state exams.  Our state had it’s own test on paper.  It was recently decided the students should take a test approved by several other states instead.  The schools had to buy tablets for the kids to take the test on line.  Not every child in our state has access to a computer at home.  Some kids are not as computer efficient.  Then, there is just technology problems. I am hoping her anxiety about the state exams is not this bad very year.  Last year, it was her first time.  This year, they are switching to a new test.  My daughter Hope is aware she is very lucky to have been chosen to go to school in the next town over by lottery instead of the city’s schools.  Some days, that 9 years old goes out of her way to make sure doing her academic best for that town.    Her anxiety is decreasing.

Our new goal is to pay off the fertility bills.  We are hoping to move to that the town before the baby enters kindergarten.  If we had to stay in the city, this baby would have a higher priority in the lottery system since sister Hope already attends the school system.For years, we kept the house in the city to have the money for fertility treatment.  It was meant as a starter home, not for life.

We also decided to go to Washington DC again for the family vacation in April.  We learned a tough lesson last year about driving.  This year, we are not driving there.  I made the reservations yesterday.

We are two weeks before my birthday, when it was decided we should announce the pregnancy.  It was not plan that way, when I announced my daughter.  It happened the ultra sound was on Good Friday that year.  My birthday was on Easter Sunday.  We didn’t use social media much in 2005.  My idea of announcing the pregnancy was lighting a candle at church and saying it quickly.  I don’t like standing in front of the church.

Here is a sneak preview of the announcement for social media. Some of my relatives are harsh, I am worried about them saying something to embarrass me.   I plan to tell my bosses first.

My Good morning! On March 28th 2005, I announced at age 31 years old that I was pregnant with Hope. Today, we are connecting the rainbows, children born after loss. It is a great honor and pleasure this morning to tell you with tears of joy that age 41, I am 17 weeks pregnant again after 8 long years of my life. I am ever grateful to all the doctors who work so hard with us in 3 different states to bring this little one into our lives! The baby is due on September 1, 2015. The C-section will be scheduled sometime within a week before the due date, which means sometime late August. This is a picture of Joy or Will. The names were chosen 8 years ago, when we decided to have another child around Hope’s first birthday. Unfortunately, the following happened to our family in one year 2009 to 2010 to our family our daughter Addison died from a rare disease, I was diagnosis with breast cancer and my mother died. We are so happy to celebrate the birth of this little one five years after everything went wrong to our family! These are ultra sound was taken on Feb 19th, when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I am grateful for those of you who prayed or reached out to me especially in January, when I was being treated for a threatened miscarriage. The doctors are monitoring an ovarian cyst on the right side, which does not seem to present a problem right now. Please be mindful all comments will be put in a baby book from this wall status. Let’s focus on welcoming the new little one home!

The OB GYN Called & Spotting

The OBGYN called.  I have known about an ovary cyst about this since the first trip out to the West Coast for the ultra sound.  There is a cyst on my right ovary.  They want to follow up about it.  I have an ultra sound scheduled on the 11th anniversary of my discharge from the hospital without a baby and shoes after my first daughter’s death in 2004.  I will talk about her more in February during her birthday and rare disease month.

The results are normal from the ultra sound.  I do continue to spot.  Yesterday, I started the shots.  For three days, I will take the suppositories and the shot of progesterone.  Tomorrow, I will stop the suppositories.  It is a theory that the suppositories are causing the  spotting.  I don’t know how long it will take to get the suppositories out of my system.  I am carefully monitoring the spotting.  I am concerned that I am going to jinx myself.  It is a little less and a little less pink.  I have been thinking about all my pregnancies, this is the first one with spotting and progesterone suppositories.  Hopefully, it goes away.