Hope was just 4 years old. I was in my second trimester with Addison and we went to a local children’s amusement park. I ran into one of my old co-worker at the time. This is the type you do not speak to. After I witnessed my first ever human die, which was my daughter Avery, he decided to bring his newborn twins in on my original due date, while I was at work. So years later, I didn’t go near him People never understood that I suffered from flash backs of Avery’s death. The pain of it all… Here it was my brain was trying to heal by repeating processing her moments of death. All these happy couples with newborns couldn’t get, I couldn’t hold or look at their babies. It had nothing to do with them, but the fact that I was grieving.
I was very careful not to get on any of the rides at the park since I was pregnant with Addison. It would be the last time Hope would ever go in her early childhood. It was Columbus Day weekend and I was hoping for a miracle.
The memory….. Sweet Addison…. The doctors said it would never happen again. Her sister Avery died of Campomelic Dysplasia, a rare disease. A few weeks later, I was heart broken looking at the ultra sound screen. Addison looked like Avery. It was October 30th, the day before Halloween. Our conversation to the hospital that day before learning the news was filled with dreams. I pointed out a mini van at a used dealership. I was going to have a dog too. It was like watching the Titanic go down. A week before Thanksgiving, Addison had died in utero. In 10 months, I lost my baby, job, got a job, got diagnosis with breast cancer and buried my mother.
When I was in cancer treatment overlooking the Charles River in Boston, I had a bucket list. I was a pretty active cancer patient. We did Girl Scouts. I worked 32 hours per week. I helped my kindergartener through homework. I had what I call Charles River dreams of after cancer treatment. Please pass me my magic wand! I was going to the happy maternity ward! When the baby was old enough, we were going back to the amusement park. It was 2009. In 2015, my dreams came true. I had another rainbow.
May I say this affectionately? My daughter Joy, the second rainbow has attentional issues. I say this with gratitude for her life. She appears to have a sensory disorder and she is a thrill seeker. It’s like having someone on suicide watch 24/7. If one item is not right, she finds it. Joy is a bolting hazard. I suffer from nerve damage on my left arm due to cancer treatment. She can never be left alone. It’s a struggle to get her in the shopping cart. She unbuckles herself and stands up. I promised the girls this trip to NH. Again the leash part to back pack harness is missing again. This time, I brought handcuffs. Not real ones, They are actually called wrist links for toddlers. “You are only going if you wear these at all times.” I tell her. I am getting an understanding Joy is in constant Fight or Flight due to the sensory overload.
This trip has made me consider stopping the overnights. Today, the dog needed to be dropped off. We have a cat with seizures now. Every pet sitter said no. I only found a kennel. They open at 9AM. It’s a three hour drive. Once again, we have to beg our in-laws, so we can leave at 6AM. The kennel says come in and fill out a packet. I already see the Joy scene in my head. I drove by to drop off the paperwork. I hand write out the feeding and medication instructions. They closed until 5PM. My husband is confirming with my inlaws. I am timing the seizure medication on the cat. I get there at 5 to review the paperwork. The time I pick is not good. These one night trips are just not worth it anymore.
I am getting my dream to return to the amusement park after a day’s worth of phone calls to find someone. Our vet wanted to charge us an extra $50 if another tech needed to come in. The hospital our cat was admitted wanted $212 for medical boarding. Here I am packing for everyone just saying this isn’t worth it anymore.
I have also been looking at my co-dependency issues more. I am not as close to my husband anymore. I was going to try to take him to Albany NY for his birthday. My village in life is who I pay for. I had a huge argument with my teen ager about cleaning her room before the grandparents come over. I am just not enjoying myself on this mini gateways anymore. A promise is a promise. I pulled my oldest aside and said this isn’t worth the energy that goes into making these trips happen anymore. Now, I am on the mercy of people who have canceled before. My oldest, I am planning to take to a mountain named after her school mascot. Here I am seeing myself rush around a mountain to get through traffic to get to two animals located 15 miles apart from one another. I can’t do this anymore. Disney World is in stone next summer. I done with this.
I also have a lot of sad memories of NH due to my bio-father. The man did what he could to tell me that I wasn’t worth it. Since his death, I have worried if he was buried or not. Last summer, I woke up and discovered he was buried thanks to the internet an hour away from where we are going. It’s been an emotional day of should I go and say good bye. I have thought this over. It’s not the right time for me. It’s going to be an emotional roller coaster to just get through the gates of the amusement park. I have been overwhelmed most of the day today. It needs to be at a time where I am with someone to console me. I need someone to undo the message that I don’t matter. If I went this weekend, I would be driving the only car and leaving the family at the hotel. Not a good combination. I let that one go.
This weekend, let’s honor the memory of Baby Addison. She never got a turn. How much I loved my angels! Leave unfinish biofather business for another day. Let the next 12 hours be a moving moment to remember Addison and fun for Joy and Hope!