My Jaw Dropping Moment

When my daughter was 4 years old, our family went through our own personal crisis that lasted about two years.  It started with my daughter Addison’s death a week before Thanksgiving in 2009.  I was laid off my job and needed to return to a former employer.  Months following her death was filled with genetic testing, employment problems and car problems.  Then the cancer diagnosis came.  I tend to skip these minor points.  My mother’s dementia was worst and worst.  I was in constant arguments with my siblings.  The week I had enough and her doctor looked me in the eye with agreement, she died from natural causes.  I was ready to file with elderly services and it would have been a vicious argument with my siblings.  My brother would have tracked us down like deer hunter.  This is the reason, I ended contact with my siblings.  I didn’t trust them.  I do pray there comes a day we can all come home and whatever is ailing them (addiction/mental ill) ends.  I was in cancer treatment at the time chemo and working full time.  My daughter had just started kindergarten.  Her world fell apart.  The baby died and she learned about cancer quick.  Her ABC’s were different.  A was for Angel Addison.  B was for Breast Cancer.  C was for Chemo therapy.  I carried guilt for not being able to spare her from these events.  Hope my oldest will say, “Mom, I wish I was 4 again.  You know before Addison died.” Her preschool world became a world with death and cancer.

My mother died in the middle of cancer treatment.  I never got to burry her the way I felt she deserve.  I felt she deserved to be buried like a Princess.  I was tired and I wasn’t going to risk our safety.  The cancer meds kind of sucked out my energy.  Honestly, that’s think of this like a survival story.  I had all I could do to make it day to day.  My in-laws began to refuse to help me.  I was so scared my first chemo.  My oncologist explained he didn’t know how I was going to react and I could get sick any point of a treatment cycle.  I was put on maximum meds.  I had been infertile for years, I wouldn’t use an over counter pain pill.  Those meds, my body had the opposite effect.  I got sick at the end of the cycle.  This was that moment that shook my being.  It happened at 2AM, I covered myself and the bathroom floor.  I had no energy.  I screamed once for help and no one came.  I went to scream again and realized it would wake up my daughter.  Then I remembered the tooth fairy was suppose to come, but I forgot and fell asleep.  I sat there covered for a few minutes.  I picked myself up and gradually clean up.  Now to notify the tooth fairy so to speak.  Too late! I heard my daughter stirring as I was in her room.  Hope began to cry the tooth fairy didn’t come.  So, an amazing  miracle occurred that night.  No fan or anything was going.  A breeze came and the letter to the tooth fairy through across the room.  I may been dehydrated from being ill.  I was hugging Hope and comforting her at the time.  I remarked quick, “Did you see that letter fly?”  I whispered in her ear, “It was the tooth fairy.” Sure enough the money appeared right next to us.

A few friends at work tried to help.  My in-laws wouldn’t help out a lot.  I felt energy drained.  So, I didn’t speak up for myself.  I felt like I was in shock too.  In 11 months, so much happened.  When the treatment ended, I was left with flash backs and the anger of it all.  I wonder is there a God or a Heaven.  When Joy was born, I felt like I was begging on hands and knees for help for my own C-section.  It does bother me.  I thought my marriage was over.  I wouldn’t see my in-laws for years.  I told them off.  It scares me to death about my kids, what would happen if the cancer ever returned.  I watched my dance school teacher die and leave behind her 12 years old daughter.  The entire family stepped up.  I don’t have an entire family.  My eighty years old aunt would do anything for me.  She has fallen several times.  I missed my mom so bad when Joy was born.  Joy has acid reflux and she wants to be held and swaddled so often.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed.  I am trying to fix this house.  I have all these dreams and stuff that was waiting for the baby to come.

I am writing all this build up to this simple event. My oldest actually emailed my in-laws a few things. I monitor her account and recently saw the sent folder due to a mix up in emails.   They have been so wrapped up in my sister-in-law’s divorce that we have been forgotten for years.  My husband brought the sidling estimates to my in-laws.  Here is my jaw dropping moment.  My father-in-law says, “we want to help you with this. Time to even things out.”  My jaw is still open.  Will this happen, I don’t know.  I will say that I need to watch my mouth more.  The anger built and built into resentment.  When I go to speak, it tends to come out like a Banshee scream.  In the past year, I decided to just not dwell on it.  They are who they are and too much of my energy was be taken up by this.  I told my husband.  Look we can continue to talk about how unfair this is or do something about it.  So it was surprising yesterday that we didn’t ask for help and we are going to be getting it.

 

 

Reflections About Family and Career (Taken out of last blog and expanded it)

My father’s side of the family is mechanically inclined. One thought crossed my mind on the trip. My grandfather was a cranberry bog grower and he had his own helicopter spraying business too. As a child, I was on a helicopter with him many times. My grandmother was one of the first female pilots in New England. We have old movies of her flying. Yesterday, I realized something while flying. She never flew me anywhere. A regret of mine now. At some point, she gave up her license. She was very much involved in women’s rights in her life. My sister and I were to go to college (period the end.)

Sometimes, I think it’s some of the feelings of jealously with my brother. He had fun in high school and graduated with a D. Later, he told me that he wish he had went to college, but then he had kids. He does have his own business. My sister was the academic star of the family. I see that quality in my daughter. We never expect her to be “perfect.” She expects herself to be perfect. My sister graduated during the recession of the 90’s with a major in biology and a minor in psychology. She came home from college to no jobs and ended up working anywhere to make a living. She won third place in our state’s science fair in high school. I hear she is going back to school to become a paralegal. When I decided to major in Sociology and Psychology, she gave me her books. I am not big into science. I could barely read them. She studied a very biology based form of psychology. I also do have a learning disability, I ended up working in substance abuse and with kids. It’s also the reason, I am stand offish about taking the test to go work at the schools. Learning disabilities were just getting recognized by people, when I was a child. Some people misunderstood what that meant. It took me years to reverse the damage.

I did get time to study some for that test that I am meaning to take. My daughter was badly bullied at the city school. When I helped her, I got interested in working at the schools. English is not my best subject. I struggled a lot as a child. So test taking isn’t a strong point. When I started studying, I realized how this isn’t going to be as hard I realized. The struggle is the balance between fertility treatment and career goals. My love my job, but if we have two children. I want to provide for them. I do love what I do very much.

One Victory: Fertility Journey

Embryo Donation has been quite a journey. Only 5 and half weeks to embryos transfer. Both my husband and I have been working hard at what to tell workplaces, outsiders and schools. Then there is everything else. My husband gets a new job because his old job was not willing to let him go. My introduction to the new insurance company was a thrilling series of phone calls. Even through, customer service told me that they wouldn’t be, the medications were covered. We were able to choose a different fertility pharmacy closer to home! I should finish one med tomorrow night. Friday all the additional ones are coming. Last night, I had to ask for my regular doctor’s help with the ultra sound due next week. When I did that on the phone, I closed my eyes tight. The thought crossed my head he is going to say no. He didn’t. We came up with a game plan.

The alone trip for the embryo donation feels like a video game with stages. We haven’t made the trip yet! No more drama before the take off please. All I want to hear is the engines firing up and feel the plane take off. Then, I want the family to safely arrive on the West Coast and return home. Between the two dates that I am at the clinic, I am planning some fun stuff for us to do. This is our family vacation! Hopefully the trip will give us an additional family members in womb storage! We asked for two embryos to be transferred. The remaining construction of these miracle children will hopefully be completed in New England. I plan to tell these embryos our home is like the movie Frozen. Every time it snows school is canceled. The west coast has no snow that why you want to come home to the east coast.

My cholesterol levels did not change with medication, diet and exercise. My body is saying to me this journey is more stressful than I admit. There is nothing that can be done at this point. Cholesterol pills are dangerous in pregnancy. My last cycle with my own eggs I had several asthma attacks and I was really sick. I got a cold this week. Better now then on my daughter’s birthday or during the week of the transfer.