Tag Archives: Fertility

Frustrated

Summer was not off to a smooth start.  Joy, my youngest has toddler diarrhea.   My oldest will be going to see more specialists about her liver enzymes off and her vertigo.  We can not afford to move to the town where my daughter goes to school.  I work two jobs.  One made promises to accommodate my needing to get and pick up my oldest from school.  I am not seeing the paperwork going through.

Joy needs to be at a new daycare.  In the 17 months she was at the same one,  she had 5 different lead teachers.  I have witness one toddler push her to the ground repeatedly.  Her last day, the written was on the wall.  My oldest didn’t want to go to an art camp.  So, I hired someone who worked for the school system to babysit both the girls at a flat rate.  This person is worth more than I can afford.  Childcare takes over half my pay to pay.  I work in human services, so I can expect to earn between $30,000 and $40,000 full time.  Remember, I have been doing this 14 years.  I love the field.  I give up dreams of being rich.  I work about 30 hours per week. After fighting cancer, infertility and infant loss, I am spending time with those two girls, who I fought so hard for.

I can go to one job and quit the other. I will loose $200 a pay period.  I am trying so hard to get our family out of the 100 most violent cities in America.  There is a price difference between the city I live and the town Hope goes to school.  If I sell this house, we need a bigger mortgage to get in that town.  Chances are after all this hard work to fix my house, we can only afford a fixer upper.  We have been painting the kitchen.  We are literally tripping over stuff to remodel.  My house needs a few remodeling expenses like a new bathroom to sell it, which we can’t afford.

I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is no public transportation between the town my daughter goes to school in and where we live.  I don’t think she is quite ready to stay home by herself.  I work too far away to take a lunch break late and go pick her up.  If she returned to our city schools, she would be badly bullied.  One job is open to split shifts.  The other job made promises the paperwork didn’t show up.  When I try to talk to them, they just say it’s too far away.  That job requires a two month notice.  I sent them an email saying I need to know now.  I find myself struggling with between finances, work and parenting responsibility.

Yesterday was my daughter’s recital. I decided to reach out to my in-laws.  I finally told them how much I earn for a living and the costs of childcare.  These guys come with a warning sign, “emotionally out of order.” For years, they have caring for free my sister-in-law’s kids, who is a high paying nurse. Her former spouse scammed thousands of dollars from them.  She is their favorite.  My father-in-law pissed me off.  He said to me, “your mother did it and you will too.” Swears flooded my brain but the kids were there.  My mother died a horrible death.  She left me in care of my siblings who were abusive.  So, once again, they are not available.

This weekend has been stressful.  After many years of fighting infertility, I am very aware of my length of cycle.  It didn’t come.  I said is this a joke?  I found myself day dreaming of an accidental pregnancy, which is impossible.  Today, we tried to start a dog walking group.  No one showed.  I have been having so many difficulties with heavy bleeding and long cycles.  Last month, I made it a point to try to sleep at least 7 hours per night.  I also took vitamins. People have been telling me that I sound perimenopausal. I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I flunked in the accidentally pregnancy accident department.  I found myself grieving again. I began to fantasize it was menopause and the nightmare of heavy bleeding was over.    Four days late, guess what came today.

My brain is tired from crunching the numbers.  I am worried about my relationship with others.  There is no afterschool program for Hope, who is going into middle school.  That’s about $50 per week we save.  Today, I paid the deposit for Joy to start a home daycare program that follows the school year.

Money is money.  People can never be replaced.  We have food to eat and a home.  Everyone is healthy that I am aware of.  The mother of Hope and Joy is going to have hope that an answer prevails soon and joy returns to the home.

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Healing In Our Journey & Sending Healing Wishes To Others.

It is with a sad heart that I learned some devastating news today.  After the deaths of my daughters Avery and Addison, I stop sharing all my social media accounts with the “face to face world.” My family is old fashion in parts.  It’s the old thinking that after the baby dies, you never discuss it again.  So, occasionally these people show up and put them on the restricted setting.

I remain in contact with the families and patients of #campomelicdysplasia.  I made a promise to my children that had died that I would become an advocate for #raredisease  and parents of #infantloss.  My heart broke into two today, when I learned one of co-leaders in a group had died.  I was in mist of putting up photos and I saw her picture all over the place.  I learned she died last night.  Last message was about developing a movie for rare disease day about the families and people living with the effects and the after effects of this cruel disease.  I kept trying to make a demo, but the sign I wanted to shoot is down to represent Avery and Addison.  Her family is suffering from a lot of lost.  Her brother died some time ago.  Her mother is in the process of breast cancer treatment.  I sobbed.  Rachel, our co-leader, touched so many lives.  Sadly, she is gone…  Her family’s storm is reminding me of my own.

It reminded me of my storm from six years ago.  I am still trying to rebuild.  It effected my marriage, a relationship with my in-laws and my sense of spirituality.  I joined a bereavement group about the loss of your mother.  I was suppose to go tonight.  Unfortunately, I am not sure if somehow, I got sick or is it motion sickness.  Shortly later, I got sick in front of the kids.   I think it was motion sickness.  I held down lunch and ice cream too shortly afterwards.   It’s also possible like all young women facing breast cancer and chemo treatment that I may be going through menopause.  Tomorrow is my appointment with my OB GYN to figure this out.

We also joined a parenting after loss group that is 30 to 45 miles away.  My husband has lost his hearing.  I was typing away on my cellphone.  I thought he was following the GPS, when I looked up and realized he is lost.  I am not blaming him for loosing his hearing.  It’s tough, because I am adjusting too.  Every weekend, we are arguing about something else lately.  I took myself off the Nicotine Gum.  Remember, I can’t tell him because if we argue, he will tell me to go smoke.   I took Benadryl at night to help me sleep.  I over slept a few times.  We actually have separate sleeping arrangements.  I am tried of that too.  I woke up and the tradition is for me to get the coffee.  Here we are arguing over who is going to get the coffee.  Finally, I said forget this.  I drink Green Tea instead.  Talk about major withdrawal headache and feeling sleepy. It’s these silly arguments.  I am calling my Aunt crying that my marriage is over.  Hope was at a birthday party after we went to the infant loss event.  I don’t know what do I want.  Do I give him access to me or keep him arms distant?  I look at those kids and I don’t know what to do.

I was pretty emotional at the playgroup event, which was a  meeting fund raiser activity.  I have been through so many losses am I disconnected for society as a whole?  I am starting to feel closer to people online than real people I know.  I got almost tearful talking about my son Haven.  I never got to hold him.  We have been discussing when your rainbow is the opposite gender as your lost.  Not that I want to sound ungrateful.  I have two beautiful girls.  There is a lost of my son. I also feel I am grieving the end with menopause.  We could never afford the tracking out to the West Coast again.  My husband’s family did give a check for the siding.  I have all these emotions.  The anger of why weren’t you there.  I look at those girls.  Listen, I don’t have the exact answer.  I decided to invite them for Thanksgiving.  I want to have them as close as we were.  This state of living like a divorce family isn’t harming the kids.  This agnostic is just going to have Hope it will work out.

I was so worried yesterday about my weekend job drying up that I turned the car around and never went to church.  Today, I called and I was asked to work the next two weeks.  I get so worried about things.

 

 

 

Another Brick In The Wall (My Fertility Journey)

(Please Note: This a secondary fertility blog.  Child mentioned.)

I love Pink Floyd.  It was one of those tapes, when I was a teenager, that I listened to just to annoy my mother!  Looking to heaven, sorry mom!  I am implying that song to yet another hurdle in my fertility journey.  So, last summer, my RE told me we were looking at an egg quality issue.  My husband and I were crushed.  During the family vacation, I get a phone call that my health insurance wouldn’t pay for ICSI.  It was a long ride home from upper state New York.  My husband and I spent a lot of time thinking about egg donation.  Due to a fatal rare disease, which neither knew was an issue prior to pregnancy, it’s going to be embryo donation.   We are the first ones known to have this rare disease.  After years of genetic testing, the answer came after a second baby died and I was in chemo.   I started looking into egg donation programs.  I found one down south at a high cost. Then I went to my RE and got a even higher price quote.  Then, I found one affordable out on the West Coast.  Insurance does not cover the cost at all.  Go figure.  I WOULD NEVER DO THIS AFTER WATCHING 2 CHILDREN DIE.    If I tried to have a baby on my own and throw caution to the wind, they would cover the NICU costs until the baby dies.  I don’t understand them sometimes. 

After a long soul search between my husband and I, we decided to look egg donation and sperm donation.  This  means embryo donation.   I am 40.  Over the years of genetic testing, I have grieved this over time.  Chemo was like a fire ball.  I am glad to be alive.  I don’t want to push the issue.  Mother Nature is not always fair, but sometimes she has wisdom. I know some women get a second opinions.  My IVF results seem to be testimony.  I don’t want to push too hard and wind up with breast cancer again. Egg/embryo donation seems safer.    I spent from January to April getting the paper work together.  I promised our daughter a trip to Washington DC.  We cut the trip short.  With very little sleep already, I boarded a plane by myself to the West Coast.  I kissed my husband and child good bye.  It was a long trip, 10 hours both ways for an ultra sound.  I couldn’t have the ultra sound anywhere.  I had to have it done on the West Coast to qualify. I tried to stay awake to enjoy the remaining vacation with husband and daughter.  I fell asleep for two days afterwards.   I was offered a profile but I declined, because I work two jobs.  One is a school year based job.  My coordinator was on vacation.  I was put on ovulation suppressant.  The ultra sound showed my body even with the suppressant medication was continuing to make follicles.  I presume this is happening because I am close to Menopause and your body starts throwing out eggs to get rid of them.  I have noticed that I am premenopausal.  I don’t sleep and I have hot flashes.   I am tried of trying to fix what is broken. 

 My coordinator came back from vacation and I told her we need to start in July.  She told me to stay on the ovulation suppressant meds.  This week, I ran out.  I sent emails and called.  My coordinator is on leave. I reminded the receptionist that I am a breast cancer survivor.   I call the pharmacy, no refills.  Yesterday, I was angry.  I called them.  I get a call back.  This is my new coordinator.  I get told they isn’t a profile match and it may be September before we start.  Here I have been on a fertility routine.  I get told stop the ovulation suppressant medication due to my history of breast cancer.  Another pregnant woman, birth announcement and another baby, I am thinking hold on July is coming.  I told our daughter, we will go on vacation to the West Coast in July.  The other coordinator said it wasn’t a problem.  My heart broken. 

So, I emailed the first program down south again.  It’s a bigger loan for our family.  I feel like I am scraping all the work I have done.  It’s an hour plane ride vs 10 hours. My husband has been told he can’t go but a few weeks in July.   At some point it would become the same costs as if I stayed home.  We are struggling with this.  I am thinking about calling the director of the West Coast program.  Did my accepted application get pushed off to the side and forgotten? Now they are making into another matter?  How is this acceptable to one coordinator and now it is a problem?  I don’t make promises that I can’t keep.  I promised my daughter we were going in July because her summer camp is going to Disney World and the family can not afford both.  My daughter says to me at age 8 years old, “we can stay home because I love you so much…”  

My questions are:

With egg donations, do apply to more than one place? 

How do you handle work and friends when you are going out of state for treatment?

Someone must have wisdom on this matter.  When it comes to work, I tied two family life events together.  I wasn’t close to my biological father.  He died in November around the anniversary of Addison’s death according to my siblings.  I have remained detached from the background noise of my extended family trying to draw me in to another drama. They will always be my family.   It’s like expecting a cuddle a teddy bear and getting stab by a cactus plant.  I love them at arm length distance.  I have been alive to long to walk into that bomb.   It’s emotional enough to go through fertility treatment.  The man never loved me like a father should.  Why infertility is a double edge sword for me!   So I told my work place that I have a personal matter to attend to out on the West Coast to take care of due to his death.  We have been avoiding personal questions into the exact nature of our travels from all others.  Only 3 friends in the face to face world  know the story and my in-laws.