Frustrated

Summer was not off to a smooth start.  Joy, my youngest has toddler diarrhea.   My oldest will be going to see more specialists about her liver enzymes off and her vertigo.  We can not afford to move to the town where my daughter goes to school.  I work two jobs.  One made promises to accommodate my needing to get and pick up my oldest from school.  I am not seeing the paperwork going through.

Joy needs to be at a new daycare.  In the 17 months she was at the same one,  she had 5 different lead teachers.  I have witness one toddler push her to the ground repeatedly.  Her last day, the written was on the wall.  My oldest didn’t want to go to an art camp.  So, I hired someone who worked for the school system to babysit both the girls at a flat rate.  This person is worth more than I can afford.  Childcare takes over half my pay to pay.  I work in human services, so I can expect to earn between $30,000 and $40,000 full time.  Remember, I have been doing this 14 years.  I love the field.  I give up dreams of being rich.  I work about 30 hours per week. After fighting cancer, infertility and infant loss, I am spending time with those two girls, who I fought so hard for.

I can go to one job and quit the other. I will loose $200 a pay period.  I am trying so hard to get our family out of the 100 most violent cities in America.  There is a price difference between the city I live and the town Hope goes to school.  If I sell this house, we need a bigger mortgage to get in that town.  Chances are after all this hard work to fix my house, we can only afford a fixer upper.  We have been painting the kitchen.  We are literally tripping over stuff to remodel.  My house needs a few remodeling expenses like a new bathroom to sell it, which we can’t afford.

I am between a rock and a hard place.  There is no public transportation between the town my daughter goes to school in and where we live.  I don’t think she is quite ready to stay home by herself.  I work too far away to take a lunch break late and go pick her up.  If she returned to our city schools, she would be badly bullied.  One job is open to split shifts.  The other job made promises the paperwork didn’t show up.  When I try to talk to them, they just say it’s too far away.  That job requires a two month notice.  I sent them an email saying I need to know now.  I find myself struggling with between finances, work and parenting responsibility.

Yesterday was my daughter’s recital. I decided to reach out to my in-laws.  I finally told them how much I earn for a living and the costs of childcare.  These guys come with a warning sign, “emotionally out of order.” For years, they have caring for free my sister-in-law’s kids, who is a high paying nurse. Her former spouse scammed thousands of dollars from them.  She is their favorite.  My father-in-law pissed me off.  He said to me, “your mother did it and you will too.” Swears flooded my brain but the kids were there.  My mother died a horrible death.  She left me in care of my siblings who were abusive.  So, once again, they are not available.

This weekend has been stressful.  After many years of fighting infertility, I am very aware of my length of cycle.  It didn’t come.  I said is this a joke?  I found myself day dreaming of an accidental pregnancy, which is impossible.  Today, we tried to start a dog walking group.  No one showed.  I have been having so many difficulties with heavy bleeding and long cycles.  Last month, I made it a point to try to sleep at least 7 hours per night.  I also took vitamins. People have been telling me that I sound perimenopausal. I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I flunked in the accidentally pregnancy accident department.  I found myself grieving again. I began to fantasize it was menopause and the nightmare of heavy bleeding was over.    Four days late, guess what came today.

My brain is tired from crunching the numbers.  I am worried about my relationship with others.  There is no afterschool program for Hope, who is going into middle school.  That’s about $50 per week we save.  Today, I paid the deposit for Joy to start a home daycare program that follows the school year.

Money is money.  People can never be replaced.  We have food to eat and a home.  Everyone is healthy that I am aware of.  The mother of Hope and Joy is going to have hope that an answer prevails soon and joy returns to the home.

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