Broken Heart:

I am suppose to be up starting the kitchen painting.  I just don’t want to paint.  It’s been about a year and a half of remodeling. My cycle came up extremely heavy and I bled heavy for 5 days, I am worried I am a little iron low.  My ear cyst gets removed Tuesday and I have been making sure iron is in my diet.

I am sad today.  For 4 years now, I have been struggling to make things right with someone.  Last December, I made some choices.  No one knows.  I am not 100% innocent on these matters.  I got talking to an old friend about how I would cut this person off completely if I could.  I told my friend I remember who he is.  He lives in active addiction.  He is not violent or out driving under the influence.  I would like to cut him off  and scare him straight to himself.  I try this once and my daughter was crying and begging him to stay.  I finally gave in. I am not really asking him to leave.  I want our relationship to remain.

Due to my choices, I have made a new friend, who has been extremely helpful.  My depression appears a lot better lately.  It is hard to smile, when you bleed 20 days average a month.  I have been really trying to sleep more because they think this connected to this.  My only remaining choice is going to raise my daughter’s anxiety.  I struggle because there maybe permanent ramifications for the intervention.  I asked for 20 minutes of his time without him being under the influence without the kids.  First night, he drank.  So, I said tonight will be the night and reminded him.  It was getting late, I thought I was in the clear.  I went to speak to him and that familiar smell was in the room.  I can’t do this tonight.  So, I got angry and told him so.  The matter got twist into  let’s talk about me smoking.  I was mad and left.  I sat starring into space in the living room.  My heart broke.  So, I have been anxious about this part of my life.  I survived cancer and buried two babies.  This is an old saying, “life is too short.” I am going back to the 12 steps.  I tossed for a bit last night.  I am a professional.  I should have the answers.  I don’t.  I need a different work schedule to  accommodate my daughter.  It feels like one of jobs has changed their minds.  I may need to quit next month.  I would loose more money.  So a lot has been on my mind.  As I often say, both kids and adults are healthy, I do have gratitude.  I need to start painting before work! I will keep praying and saving money quietly.  The intervention if it goes down will happen in the fall.

Advertisements

One thought on “Broken Heart:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s