Disappointment

We are a month away from school ending.  My daughter is going to middle school.  There will be no afterschool care.  She goes to school in another town without public transportation to our city.  I have been working hard with both part time jobs with the total of 4 different programs to develop a working schedule to match her school schedule.  I had hoped to move this summer as well to a new house.  Our current house is way better.  I am keeping that promise to bring this little house to life again for my daughters.

I got so tired of painting the house that I have stopped.  My oldest goes to dance competitions.  Her last one is this weekend.  We decided we don’t have enough money to update the powdery pink bathroom that screams of the decade that I was born in.  I had so many hopes.  My oldest is 11 years old.  We live in the 100 US most violent cities.  I don’t think she is ready to stay home all day.

This year, I found a daycare for my youngest in September, which follows the school year.  Last year, we hired a babysitter, who my oldest knows because she works at the girl’s school.  I decided to pay the babysitter more to watch both girls for the summer. I promised an amount of money.  I did the math.  I would be left with $60 every pay period.  So, the woman is kind enough, we agreed to a different set amount of money.  I am embarrassed that I can’t pay her the way I want.  The amount leaves me with $200 every pay period.  So, I have to pick up some extra half shifts.  All that hard work to have another baby and I can’t spend the time with the girls that I want.  I will survive this.  Hopefully, next year will be different.

August is their birthday parties. I am not sure what this one will be like.  Last year there was a lot of no shows or regrets.  I have been buying gifts now and putting it away.

Last week, I was anxious in my own skin.  I don’t take care of myself the way I said I would after my surgery in February.  I do not sleep well.  Sometimes, it’s to get stuff done.  I am going back to counting steps and changing my diet.  I actually want to stop drinking coffee.  I want to quit smoking.  I have been experiencing disappointment.  The extra half a shift is only for the summer.  The girls are getting older and I know child care will get easier.  My oldest is in a hard age group.  She is not quite ready to stay home 10 hours a day alone.

My body has been telling me bad news.  I had long 21 day bleeding cycles with 2 days of extremely hard bleeding.  They found polyps and removed them.  There has been some success.  My bleeding cycles are 11 days long.  Unfortunately, I overflowed twice at work at both jobs.  It was embarrassing.  Thankfully, I don’t think anyone noticed.  I had to reach out to my OB GYN again.  I see her next month.  I am worried the polyps came back.  It’s also anniversary time of my breast cancer diagnosis.  My body is busy making cysts looking small bumps to make me worry.  I need to talk to my doctors and I will.