July is so filled with memories. My grief is high right now. This July, it will be 7 years of trying to have another baby. July 4th is upon us, this was an important date in my last stillborn baby’s pregnancy. I dreamt our first daughter, who died, brought a baby for me. I was awoken by a small girl, who looked like our living daughter. In the dream, I remember saying my living daughter’s name and I asked what’s wrong. The girl’s hair changed color before my eyes. (Our living daughter is blonde like my husband. Our first daughter had brown hair like me.) She said to me, “I am not (our living daughter’s name). I am (our first daughter’s name). I brought you a baby Mommy.” The dream ended. Prior to her pregnancy, we had tried IVF. In my state, it is mandatory for fertility insurance. At that time, our health insurance was through our state. We ran into a problem. Our prescription coverage was out of state. Our first IVF was covered, but not the medication. We slowly saved the money for the medication by ourselves for a year. I did not end up pregnant and the money was gone.
The first pregnancy test was negative. I took it right. I had been infertile for years. While celebrating our tenth anniversary, I kept saying when is the next cycle’s beginning. In the middle of the night the thought crossed my mind could I be pregnant and the test was wrong? I pulled my husband aside so our living daughter could not hear. I refused to get another test until we went home. I thought to myself, this is just my body messing with me. It’s really negative. When I was home, I tested again. Before my eyes, two pink lines appeared. The doctors had ruled our first daughter death from a rare disease ruled as a “fluke of nature.” I have remained friends with a support group about the rare disease. There are living children with the rare disease. It’s not just us having two children. A few more have emerged. Both children died of a rare form of dwarfism which the cause of death is the rib cage is bell shaped so the lungs can not expanded for breathing. After the pregnancy test, my drowning nightmares started before we knew there was a problem.
The day before Halloween, we learned our baby had the same form of dwarfism. She looked so much like my first daughter on the ultra sound machines. A week before Thanksgiving, she had no heartbeat. She had died. I was admitted to the hospital and allowed to give virginal birth to her. Since I only had C-sections, it was something I was not prepared for. We held her and we had her Christened. Then, we put her down and she was taken away. A few weeks before Christmas she was buried.
Six months later, I thought I was pregnant. We had spoken with the doctors and we were given the okay to try again. The test was negative. I noticed my left breast bleeding. I thought that’s it I am going to the doctor’s. I thought it was a milk duct infection because I had a hard time getting rid of the breast milk. A lump was found. The medical pregnancy test was negative. It was breast cancer. My body betrayed me! There was no family history. I found myself a former fertility patient now a cancer patient. FYI: It wasn’t just the American Cancer Society who helped us. Our local chapter of RESOLVE was apart of the support I was given. I am grateful for both organization.
Last year, I was told my eggs are of low quality. Since we thought we would never understanding what happened to our children, I choose to not save eggs prior to cancer treatment. I was given Lupron and put into a medical menopause. I was the only cancer patient who needed 5 hours of sleep per night. I knew it was experimental. Somehow, I was able to work full time and make sure kindergarten homework was done. I have been grieving my eggs are low quality through out the year. This month is not just about the anniversaries of the last baby born still. It has been 7 years of trying to have another child. It’s going to be twenty years I have known my husband. We have been married for fifteen years. We were hoping the first cycle of embryo donation was going to happen. It hasn’t. I did get an appointment down South at an egg donation program for late July. The thought of undergoing another application process is driving me insane. We keep hoping the West Coast program will be successful. The egg donation is double the cost for us. Since neither of us can be the genetic parents, we are creating our own embryo donation. Hopefully we are making our own miracle! My heart is grieving the death of our last baby. The grief of the whole fertility process for us. Thank you for your support!
ellynhopes's Blog 